Thread: Smile for Death. (This is a fictional story)

Have you ever looked at death and laughed at it? I’m talking about a full on laugh, cock your head back, and let it all out kind of laugh. Those of you that have, would you please raise your hand and wave it, and if you haven’t… Please take it up, the feeling, oh the feeling is exhilarating, the thought of it sends a tingle up and down my spine.


I remember the day I started laughing at death. It was a cloudy, rainy day. There was a car that was taking a left turn around a bank, and since the rain was so heavy the person inside had no idea what was about to happen to them. I knew exactly what was going to happen, and it wasn’t very pretty. Watching two cars collide is kind of like watching a destruction derby, except people get hurt, and sometimes even visit that place beyond the living.


Even as I’m telling you this story about death, I’m taking the leap myself. I’m putting the knife to my throat, and putting on a big shit eating grin for my escort that picks me up, and he or she will be happy to know that I’m not going to struggle with them. And I won’t try to run. I’m going to see my buddies at the bar when I get there, and I’m going to drink for all eternity.

This story was quite sick, which is what i assume you were going for. I did notice a few things that I would change or clarify.

I would:
-take the comma out of the first sentence, it is unnecessary and detracts from the power of your statement.
-second sentence, you may want to reword to read something more like "I'm talking about a full on, cock your head back, let it all out kind of laugh."
-paragraph 2 second sentence is a little wordy, I would probably just say that it was a cloudy, rainy day. Telling that there was a slight chance of rain is unimportant. The important part is that it is raining.
-"Two car collide is kind of like watching a destruction derby..." I would add something like, "Watching two cars collide" or "Seeing two cars collide" it just seems to make a little more sense.
-paragraph 3, I'd take out "and all that stuff" it doesn't seem to fit with the tone of the story.
Also in paragraph 3, I'd change sentence 2 into two separate sentences.

I'm curious to know if this is a stand alone piece or part of something larger.

Thank you for helping me fix this. I'm glad you enjoyed it.

The person who telling the story has a upbeat attitude to something what is very dark. I think it add a nice touch to the piece, kind of makes it more chilling.

I'm working on another part to go along with it.