Thread: Untitled Opening - Historical Fiction - 600 words

I've not been writing much the last few years and have just got back to it. I feel a little rusty in places. How is this for an opening?

Another day, another stand off.

My brain boiled and my cheeks burned where the bronze cheek-guards pressed. It had taken all morning for the legate to line the legions in a presentable order and now the midday sun bore down on us with all the fury of Vulcan’s backside.

Our position on the hill was secure. On our first day here the legate had lorded it over us as we dug the trenches around the perimeter at the base of the hill; his cane ready to lash out at any soldier who was not pulling his weight. After five years experience I had had my fair share of the legate's cane and I was determined not to feel that sharp sting on my naked back again. Seeing the new recruits struggling in the heat and under pressure of attack was enough incentive to keep me digging the baked earth.

It was day eight. Some of the less experienced men were moaning about how long this was all going to take. I knew that this was the essence of army life. The hacking and slashing lasted mere moments in comparison to the long wait as each general looked for the smallest advantage against their opponent.

In the distance, barely a mile away, the enemy stood on the slope of a hill. They didn't look like they were moving, so I assumed they were presenting themselves for battle. It would remain like this all day until one general, or the other, either decided on committing his troops to action, or to call it a day a return to camp.

This was the hardest part or battle: a test of endurance. Once the fighting was under way your blood pumps fiercely through your veins and hours become minutes.

A nudge to my left disturbed my thoughts. “Water, Clodius?” Lucius, a man two years older than me, but with a years less experience passed me a canteen of water. I took a sip and passed it to my right.

“Look,” Lucius nodded to the plain beneath us. A small section of cavalry raced across the flat ground. “Do you think this is it?”

“I wouldn't like to say,” I replied. Every soldier on the hill watched as the horsemen seemingly ran straight to the enemy.

“Over there,” Lucius pointed to a spot just to the right of the horsemen. A small group of the enemy stood out of the long grass and began to run back up the hill. Poor sods had probably picked the short straw for foraging duty. They may have left it too late.

“I'll bet you an evenings rations they don't make it back,” I whispered in Lucius's ear.

“You're on,” Lucius shook my hand to seal the deal.

The foragers tried their hardest to escape, but the cavalry were too fast. They were run down in moments. That was all the excitement for the day. There was a huge cheer from our hill as our foragers came back that evening. This meant we didn't have to eat stale bread again, and the enemy would know this.

As the sun began to set the legate began the task of organising the troops back into camp without letting on to the enemy. First the rearguard moved away, screened by a pacing cavalry unit, then slowly the vanguard dispersed. There wasn't much chance of the enemy attacking us at night, but we had men on watch just the same.

One should never rest on their laurels.

I'll assume that this is perfect then. Ten people viewed it and nobody commented. No news is good news, so this must be quality stuff... Unless it's staff checking to see if I've left any skinned corpses lying around

It's good stuff. There's the odd problem with spelling and grammar that needs to be ironed out. Like 'call it a day a return to camp' in paragraph 5. And I would say 'Lucius nodded towards the plain'. Saying that he nodded to it sounds like he's greeting it.

On the whole though, I'm liking it.

I really enjoyed this. Anything that smacks of reality in a past setting will get me, every time.

A few things caught my eye.


I didn’t like ‘brain boiled’, for two reasons. The way it’s worded the cheek-guards are to blame, which anatomically makes no sense, but in any event in my opinion you’d need to be stuck in a microwave oven to boil your brain. Nothing else could do it. Maybe that’s just me being literal.

Would Vulcan’s backside really have fury? Maybe so, if he had wind/gas. Otherwise, I might say Vulcan’s breath.


‘the trenches around the perimeter at the base of the hill’. Something’s wrong there. Do you mean the perimeter of their position? If so, the sentence needs re-wording for clarity. If you don’t mean that, if you mean the perimeter of the hill, well, the perimeter of a hill and its base are more or less one and the same. Or at least I think that’s what I was taught, my first year at high school. It’s been a while; maybe my memory’s failing.

'a years less experience' = 'a year’s less experience'

‘Every soldier on the hill watched’ – you’ve changed the viewpoint character from Clodius to omniscient narrator.


‘The foragers tried their hardest to escape, but the cavalry were too fast. They were run down in moments. That was all the excitement for the day. There was a huge cheer from our hill as our foragers came back that evening. This meant we didn't have to eat stale bread again, and the enemy would know this.’

The mid-paragraph change from the enemy’s foragers to our foragers is at first glance confusing, more so with the reference to excitement in one sentence followed by cheering in the next, as they go together in the field of emotions followed by behaviour. If you want the actions of both groups of foragers included in one paragraph in this way, a segue, or smooth transition from one to the other, is needed. That ‘huge cheer’ sentence needs to be thought about, and reworded, using something like ‘however’ or ‘on the other hand’.

Just my tuppence ha’penny worth.

Originally Posted by The Backward OX

'a years less experience' = 'a year’s less experience'

I thought a bit about this sentence and really couldn't work out whether or not it was a possessive. 'A year's experience' is plain and simple, but can 'less experience' be said to be a possessive?

Originally Posted by yingguoren

I thought a bit about this sentence and really couldn't work out whether or not it was a possessive. 'A year's experience' is plain and simple, but can 'less experience' be said to be a possessive?

I think you may be confused about possessives. In the example, the “year” is the owner or possessor of something – in this case, experience. It matters not, whether it’s plain experience or more experience or less experience, it’s still experience and it’s still owned by the year.

To make this more clear, think of “the man’s car.” If it becomes “the man’s old/new/shiny/whatever car” the man still owns it.

In both examples the word in front of the object owned is simply an adjective describing the object and has nothing to do with possessiveness.

Originally Posted by The Backward OX

I think you may be confused about possessives. In the example, the “year” is the owner or possessor of something – in this case, experience. It matters not, whether it’s plain experience or more experience or less experience, it’s still experience and it’s still owned by the year.

To make this more clear, think of “the man’s car.” If it becomes “the man’s old/new/shiny/whatever car” the man still owns it.

In both examples the word in front of the object owned is simply an adjective describing the object and has nothing to do with possessiveness.

I don't usually have any trouble with possessives but this one was a bit unusual. Less experience isn't an object (it isn't even tangible) so it can't belong or be owned. But to think of it as 'a year's experience', regardless of whether it's more, less or about the same, then that does make more sense.

Thanks for clarifying.

Your opening certainly stands us in media res, and feels vivid and clear. The voice of the character - punchy, shortish sentences - seems well-defined. There's a level of technical-ness to what you've written that would appeal to a certain cast of mind (probably including me).

I've read that sentence about foragers several times. I think the key missing word is 'own', as in: "There was a huge cheer from our hill as our own foragers came back that evening". It seems to clarify...

Anyway, this is my first contribution to someone's work, so I hope it helps!

Andy

Thanks people for your input. It's the kind of encouragement I need. Cheers.

It a nice opening

"On our first day here the legate had lorded it over us as we dug the trenches around the perimeter at the base of the hill" you don't need the "it". I find my self doing this a lot, you know what it should read as, so when you review it, you read it as you think it should read, if this made sense. I read it out loud word for word or slowly, but I still make mistakes, I guess it just comes with practice.

I would like to read more.

I normally don't read historic fiction, but this little exerpt sparked an interest.
Nice work.

I liked it, it was a short little snippet however, doesn't give much in the way of character or world development. Was hard to even place a time period really. I'm guessing by the names it was ancient greece/rome? Others have nitpicked over your grammar so I won't do that, I'll just say it was nice and piques curiousity.

Originally Posted by The Thing

I'll assume that this is perfect then. Ten people viewed it and nobody commented. No news is good news, so this must be quality stuff... Unless it's staff checking to see if I've left any skinned corpses lying around

No news is good news? I think not... My second to last posting as of this reply had 43 views and no replies:
http://www.writingforums.com/fantasy...-revision.html
It made me sad. Like no one liked it. Sure they weren't BASHING it, but no one said they liked it like in my latest post:
http://www.writingforums.com/fantasy...t-history.html

I liked the story and was definitely interested in reading more. You established an authentic tone/voice early on with some nice articulation about the soldier’s life, and how the hacking and slashing took only mere moments compared to the hours of waiting and endurance.


I also noticed what Backward OX mentioned; I was confused by the transition between the enemy’s foragers being run down and then the friendly foragers being cheered when they made it back that morning.


A few nitpicky points – I think it would be beneficial if you condensed the bits about the new recruits in the third and fourth paragraph into one area. As it stands now, you mention the new recruits struggling to adapt to the life, mention “It was day eight” and then go back to some of how the less experienced men are moaning about. It’s a small point, but it was a definite hiccup in the narrative flow for me.


Also, I found myself wanting to know more about where they were – the immediate descriptions of the earth they were digging up as well as the long grass in which the enemy foragers stood gives us vivid hints of the environment, and I think it would be nice to get a larger sense of the setting of the story.