Thread: Losing It

Ok hey this is my first attempt at writing a story so all criticism would be wonderful. I do not mind at all if you honestly tell me if it sucks . I would rate it teens and up for language, gore and... Romance.

Prologue:
It was warm, a comfortable warm June. Almost everything was perfect, Colorado's weather was not acting bipolar, my mother was handling the last minute stresses and I fit perfectly into my wedding dress. The only thing I wish that was different was my father and his plan on boycotting my wedding. I was twenty- three and finishing college. He said I was throwing my life away and that I was too young to get married. It did not matter though; nothing was stopping me from walking down the aisle. My father had refused to talk to me the entire week of my wedding. He told my mother I had a whole lifetime to prove him wrong, and when I did, he would talk to me again. No more than two days later, I was wishing he knew just how short everyone's lives really were.

Oh, this is good stuff, your witring flow nicely too, more please.

Ok so i can only get in part of the chapter but thats ok for now.

I sat on the black plastic swing feeling hollow. It was around noon but my watch had stopped working a month ago. I could feel the sun baking down on my leathery neck. I felt anything other than human. It had been three months since my wedding and only two months since the unknown virus started changing human kind. Those of us who were immune, were far out numbered. The virus was pored on us in a crystallized form. Almost like salt. In spread fast, at first it left humans screaming in pain, it created a plug in bowel movement, they threw up their waste. It left them and the ground covered in chunky foul smelling vomit. It left their bodies thin and frail from the small amounts of necessary vitamins their bodies would retain to stay alive. It left them always hungry. But the virus would continue to spread. It did not burst through cells though instead it covered muscle and tissue, multiplying that way. It left there skin feeling like a hard rubber and there muscles began to either get tough and resistant, acting as a protective coat or restraining making them move slow. I twirled the small plain silver wedding band around my finger seeing the pale skin under it and let out a sigh. My family, all of them, was gone. I looked over to the small camp set up in the play equipment and refrained from rolling my eyes. There were five of us traveling together. I was the oldest and I was only twenty-three. Children, young innocent high school and college kids surrounded me. I leaned my head against the metal chain and took a deep breath. I touched my hand to my stomach, I wanted to cry, my head spun with horrible relief and shame. A baby didn't belong in this world, but at least I knew, i hadn't lost everyone, and I would never be completely alone

Shoot sorry gotta go to class

Great writing I'm gripped.
You'll never believe I'm an intolerant picky reader if this is my first comment...
a spelling comment your spell check won't find: the possessive their is spelled their and not there (as in their skin...)
looking forward to your next post...

Very interesting description of how the virus takes effect; deadly constipation sounds awesome

Rather than just telling us what it did to the people who have the virus, it might be possible to show us, perhaps through flashback; did she watch as her new husband succumbed to the disease? Did she hold his rubbery skin as he gasped his last and a thin dribble of excreta bubbled from between his lips, and so on?

I'm a little confused by why her neck is leathery; I'd attribute that to someone much older, and then when I read on I wondered whether she'd got the disease herself, at least in part, as that seemed to be one of the symptoms.

Overall, I'd like to read more of this, so keep going please!

LOSING IT. Ch 1
Ok so again i couldnt get the whole chapter posted but im going to try this again and I’ve tried to fix what Roughin and Atys said.

I sat on the black plastic swing feeling hollow. The sun was high so it had to be around noon but my watch had stopped working a month ago. I could feel the sun baking down on my already tanned, to the point of leathery neck. I felt anything other than human. It had been three months since my wedding and only two months since the unknown virus started changing human kind. Those of us who were immune, were far out numbered. Flashes, that was all I saw of how the virus came to us. It pored down from the sky on my wedding like dry snow or serious dandruff. No one knew what it was at first, but by the time they figured it out it had been to late. It started in North America and spread across the globe. Some unknown terrorist had crystallized the virus. It looked so much like common table salt and it spread fast. At first it left humans vomiting profusely, than screaming in pain, it created a plug in bowel movement so their bodies were forced to threw up their waste. It left them and the ground covered in chunky foul smelling vomit. It left their bodies thin and frail from the small amounts of necessary vitamins their bodies would retain to stay alive. It left them always hungry. But the virus would continue to spread. It did not burst through cells though instead it covered muscle and tissue, multiplying that way. It left their skin feeling like a hard rubber and there muscles began to either get tough and resistant, acting as a protective coat or restraining them by slowly clotting their blood streams and important internal organs, making them move slow. My world came back to me as I twirled the small plain silver wedding band around my finger seeing the pale, soft skin under it and let out a sigh. It was to easy to lose yourself in the past. My family, all of them, was gone. The never-ending nightmare of what had happened to them remained glued in my head.
I could still see it, my husband on our honeymoon. We were in Estes Park all of three hours when I had him rushed to the hospital due to extreme vomiting, I couldn’t stand vomit so I stayed at my brothers house that night for it was close to the hospital. So instead I got stuck watching what the virus did to my brother, he too was throwing up, but refused to go to the hospital claiming food poisoning. It than caused him to collapse on the bathroom floor. He held his stomach screaming and convulsing. It took all of twenty minutes before he calmed down and stood up. He looked at me horribly, with hunger in his eyes. He suddenly became angry and stronger He started chugging water straight from the sink before getting angry at the low pressure stream and snapping the facet in half. He wrapped sick cracked lips around the jagged metal and started sucking deeply at it as if it were a straw. He soon grew tired of water and began ripping off cabinet doors eating right through the packaging to the food. I tried to remain quiet, and become part of the pale blue wall as my body ripped and trembled in fear but my teeth chattered. I watched ashe started to scratch his head. Plastic dandruff and chunks of hair fell ontothe carpeting. I felt acid in my throat. It rose to my mouth as I watched hisfinger nail catch onto his ear and it sickly ripped off. Bright red bloodsquirted down his neck I watched as hestarted to gnaw on it shredding off the thick shell in chunks and tearing intothe flesh. I gagged and shoved my hand over my mouth. He the small noise musthave caught his attention. His eyes grazed over my bodyand he started coming towards me before he doubled over and hurled. I remember freaking and grabbing one of his thick metal bookends and swinging. It made a loud whack on his head hitting up a cloud of slick skin and he was out cold. I wanted to call an ambulance but I couldn’t leave him there so I had tied him to his bed using random extension cords and electrical tape from his basement. I had sat in his room watching his chest take in small but rapid breaths and digging through my bag for my cell phone. When my cell phone rang I all but cried out as my fingers wrapped around its small red vibrating body. It was the hospital, they had told me my husband had gotten psychotic. The police didn’t mean to kill him but he had killed to orderlies before they could restrain him. The bullet was a last resort.I didn't know what hurt worse, losing my husband of a day or knowing i was going to lose my brother. I felt tears burn my eyes and quickly threw myself at a trashcan in the corner of my brothers room dry heaving. I looked at my brother who still looked horrible; I asked them that his symptoms were and what he had. They were about to tell me but screaming in the background and gunshots cut their words off. Later I would find out the building had been infected and slowly those who were affected started to destroy those who were still living. I remember looking at my brother and tightening the straps of his binds.
I felt tears on my cheeks and looked down suddenly remembering I was sitting on a playground. I looked over to the small camp set up in the play equipment and refrained from rolling my eyes. There were five of us traveling together. I was the oldest and I was only twenty-three. Children, young innocent high school and college kids surrounded me. I leaned my head against the metal chain and took a deep breath. I touched my hand to my stomach, I wanted to cry, my head spun with horrible relief and shame. A baby didn't belong in this world, but at least I knew, I hadn't lost everyone, and I would never be completely alone for he or she had lasted four months in my stomach.

Ok you've lost me now!!
The first excerpt was much stronger in my opinion... I don't know how long you intend the story to be but the part about the one who rips off his own ear and starts eating it could be the crux of the story; if you build up to it without giving too many hints this would be much more horrific than gurgitating one horrible image after another...
something tells me you may know this already, on one level or another... if the level isn't conscious maybe following your natural rhythm would be better than trying too hard to add detail...
sorry if the first excerpt hadn't been so strong I wouldn't dare post this kind of criticism on my second day!!
cheers to a good writer

ok i cut the ear part ill try again if its still not up to par

actually I meant the ear part was the only part I liked!! (I mean in the edits)
not that I'm a fan of horror, but in any case the ear is a place the story could go and get somewhere...
really I liked the raw version a lot!

ok readded the ear

alright last try and i'm moving on to chapter two

I sat on the black plastic swing feeling hollow.

The sun was high so it had to be around noon but since my watch had stopped working a month ago, there was no way to be certain. I could feel the sun baking down on my already leathery tan neck.

I felt anything other than human.

It had been three months since my wedding and only two months since the unknown virus started changing human kind. Those of us who were immune, were far outnumbered by those that had succumbed.

Flashes, that was all I saw of how the virus came to us. It poured down from the sky on my wedding like dry snow or serious dandruff. No one knew what it was at first, but by the time they figured it out, it had been too late.

It started in North America and spread across the globe, when some whacked out terrorist crystallized the virus. It looked so much like common table salt and it spread so easily.

At first it left humans vomiting profusely, so that anyone infected would be covered in a chunky foul smelling mess. But after a while it left their bodies thin and frail, malnourished. It left them always hungry. And it left them angry.

But they would be alive and by their very existence they would continue to spread the virus. It did not burst through cells destroying them, but instead it covered muscle and tissue, multiplying that way. It left their skin hard like rubber and their muscles began to become tough and resistant, acting as a protective coat, but also slowly clotting their blood and important internal organs, making them slow.

The swing began to give me an ache and I stopped worrying about the past. At least for the moment. I twirled the small plain silver wedding band around my finger, seeing the pale, soft skin under it contrasting to my sun darkened hands and let out a sigh. It was too easy to lose yourself in the past.

My family, all of them, was gone. The never-ending nightmare of what had happened to them remained glued in my head and when I wasn't paying attention, their pain would come back to me.

I could still see it, my husband on our honeymoon. We had been in Estes Park for all of three hours when I had him rushed to the hospital due to the vomiting. I couldn’t stand vomit so I stayed at my brother’s house that night for it was close to the hospital.

So instead of comforting my husband I got stuck watching what the virus did to my brother. He too was throwing up, but refused to go to the hospital, claiming that he had food poisoning.

It then caused him to collapse on the bathroom floor. He held his stomach screaming and convulsing. It took all of twenty minutes before he calmed down and stood up. He looked at me horribly, with hunger in his eyes. He suddenly became angry and stronger.

He started chugging water straight from the sink before getting angry at the low pressure stream and snapping the facet in half. He wrapped his sick cracked lips around the jagged metal and started sucking deeply at it as if it were a straw.

He soon grew tired of water and began ripping off cabinet doors eating right through the plastic and cardboard packaging.

I tried to remain quiet, and become part of his pale blue wall as my body ripped and trembled in fear.

I watched as he started to scratch his head. Plastic dandruff and chunks of hair fell onto the carpeting. I felt acid in my throat. It rose to my mouth as I watched his finger nail catch onto his ear and he pulled at it till it made a crack, than a wet ripping noise.

He soon held his ear on his finger. Bright red blood squirted down his neck I watched as he started to gnaw on it shredding off the thick shell in chunks and tearing into the flesh.

I gagged my mouth filling with what ever little stomach content I had, so I quickly shoved my hand over my mouth and swallowed. The small noise must have caught his attention. His eyes grazed over my body and he started coming towards me before he doubled over in pain and hurled.

I remember freaking and grabbing one of his thick metal bookends and swinging. It made a loud whack on his head hitting up a cloud of slick waxy skin and he was out cold. I wanted to call an ambulance but I couldn’t leave him there so I had tied him to his bed using random extension cords and electrical tape from his basement.

I had sat in his room watching his chest take in small but rapid breaths and digging through my bag for my cell phone. When my cell phone rang I all but cried out as my fingers wrapped around its small red vibrating body.

It was the hospital, they had told me my husband had gotten psychotic. The police didn’t mean to kill him but he had killed to orderlies before they could restrain him. The bullet was a last resort. I didn't know what hurt worse, losing my husband of a day or knowing I was going to lose my brother. I knew I couldn’t keep him like alive like this.

I felt tears burn my eyes and quickly threw myself at a trash can in the corner of my brothers room dry heaving. I looked at my brother who still looked horrible; I asked them that his symptoms were and what he had.

They were about to tell me but screaming in the background and gunshots cut their words off. Later I would find out the building had been infected and slowly those who were affected started to destroy those who were still living. I remember looking at my brother and tightening the straps of his binds.

I felt tears on my cheeks and looked down suddenly remembering I was sitting on a playground. I looked over to the small camp set up in the play equipment and refrained from rolling my eyes. There were five of us traveling together. I was the oldest and I was only twenty-three. Children, young innocent high school and college kids surrounded me.

I leaned my head against the metal chain and took a deep breath. I touched my hand to my stomach, I wanted to cry, my head spun with horrible relief and shame. A baby didn't belong in this world, but at least I knew, I hadn't lost everyone, and I would never be completely alone for he or she had lasted four months in my stomach.