Thread: Spoken Like A Lady(Mildly Disturbing)

Disclaimer:

This is just a small snippet of a larger work, posted to guage interest. RATED "M" FOR MATURE.

She crushed the lightbulb into tiny fragments of glass that bit deep
into her skin, wincing as sticky blood poured forth, warm and hot.

"Is that how you do it? No pain?" she asked, large eyes peering up at
her mentor. The man in front of her was a tall dragon with steely blue
eyes, gazing intently at her form. At last, he pulled an orange from
his pocket, and slowly peeled the ripened fruit with slender, pointy
nails.

"Do it again. Don't wince."

Choking back tears, she nodded and used her free hand to pull another
lightbulb out of the bright pink box. She held it steady, then
hesitated. A moment later the bulb was shattered, her hand
stained red in a splatter of blood and tendons.

"You hesitated. Once more."

The girl met her mentor's eyes, then looked at the lightbulb box: A
wooden laquered case with the dragon carvings. One left. It was a
lighter to the eye.

"Monsieur...I must go to the lavatory." She tried to say the words,
speak them like a lady, in the classic upper french. But that quiver
in her hand tossed her in the whorehouse.

The dragon smiled, large pointed teeth gleaming by the fire. The girl
looked so adorable in her large red bow. Her white silk stockings. His
eyes slithered from her hand, down her body, finally stopping between
her legs.

"And I must see your mai'me vuex." he said, and began to clean and
dress her wound. "Shh... I will be back before monet's first light.
Understand?" She nodded. "Not a peep out of you. Not until you're
ready. It is almost time." He then closed the door to the room, and
set the third lock right.

Interesting. I like the combination of ancient images (the dragon) and modern (the lightbulb). Better watch it though, this site has a PG rating. I'm not sure exactly what that means...

M -- for mature, means deals with adult themes. But is not explicit.

Thank you for the reply.

There were some very odd things within this story that broke it in my mind. The man in front of her being a dragon was a bit confusing to me, is it a man who is a member of a gang called Dragons or?? Later he is described as having long slender nails so it kind of went back to being the mythical type dragon with pockets and pealing an orange it just left . me wondering what was being described, which broke the immersion of the story very badly for me.

Also lavatory is a Latin derivative that is most commonly used by the British so having it listed as her attempt at high French was another aspect that just broke immersion for me. Sorry to say that with these kinds of immersion breaking features the story left me trying to figure out what was being said instead of making me ask about the characters and plot.

Just a suggestion to embellish the characters and plot a little bit, and if you are going to use a real language as an alternate language try to make it legitimate so the readers are not left wondering what language it actually is.

Just thoughts freely given to be ignored or thought about as you see fit. I would definitely say to keep at it though as it could be a very interesting premise.

All the best,

Very well then. I understand your difficulties perfectly, and will most definitely apply your suggestions. Thank you.