Thread: Francis the Miner;

Francis awoke at dawn and cooked some bacon in the furnace. He ate his bacon with cake and fresh milk. He then cleans up and wanders over to the bathing pool. Once inside the greenhouse, he bathes before the sun has a chance to light up the small building through its glass roof.

Francis dries off and puts on his iron armor. He fills his pack with tool; pickaxes, shuvels, axes, hoes, torches, rations, a furnace, a workbench. He straps his sword onto his hip, and swings the pack onto his backbefore heading for the door.

Its bright outside and the swine are huddled together by the temples' treefarm. Dew is dripping onto the grass, off the tree branches, from the chill night before. Francis makes sure his double doors are shut and locked. He moves outside and heads for the glass and plank bridge.

TWO HOURS LATER...

The miner checks his packs and notices he has enough wood for his workshed and for a door for the front of the cave nearby. He then moves to the cave and begins to explore the mysteries within.

Okay so basically this is what I have so far. I thought I had my Prologue typed up on my flash drive but I guess its back at the car in one of my notebooks. Basically, Francis was a miner of a big shot company and was en route to a confrence overseas. The plane took on engine troubles and, in trying to make an emergency landing on an island, crashed and killed most on board. Francis and those that he meets on the island, are the only survivors. I will try to find this prologue as it took some time to write and its quite detailed.

I am looking for critism and ideas and/or comments. If you think I should change something, quote what you think needs fixed and then gimme a general idea. Thanks everyone.

~The Crow

By what you have described I would say "Lost" was your inspiration for the story. There is a very tight correlation there thus far and I would suggest trying to break that up a bit so it does not look like a fan fiction piece. There are a lot of excess comma's throughout the black text above. I am not the best at proper use of them so won't offer suggestions, I only know there are many more than there should be.

As a whole the above also moves at a blinding rate and could use some detail expansion for things especially after your description of the prologue echoing a modern era and the character dawning iron armor. Inconsistencies such as this really need a much more detailed explanation in order to maintain immersion in the story. Also writing in present tense can make the story tiring to read in my experiences and can be very difficult to maintain throughout the tale. I would suggest writing in a past tense to make it easier to shift between characters and time frames yet hold the immersible quality of the overall piece.

There wasn't much here to go on and I am not a professional in anyway so please understand that these are only my own opinions and are given freely to be done with as you see fit. They most certainly should not be considered the "right" way for you to express yourself, just things you may wish to think about.

All the best,
TW

Tense issues: "He cleaned up and wandered over ..."

Pace is too fast. Spend time with your ideas. It's okay to be slightly repetitive. You're moving ahead swiftly, but strong writing also moves down into a character's thoughts. You're not doing that here.

I also thought the plot resembled LOST too much.