Thread: An honest job application letter (Language)

I've been applying for jobs over the last few weeks and have become so disillusioned with the process that I decided to write this. I was half tempted to send it off to a company I am not all that interested in working for, but decided instead to post it on here. It's just a bit of fun - I'm not trying to get it published or anything - but let me know what you think.

Thanks,

Lance


Dear Sir,

I am writing to apply for the position of claims adjuster at your company. I will say right out that I will not make the most eager or enthusiastic of claims adjusters, nor will I buy into whatever nonsensical, corporate jargon you have shoe horned into your mission statement to try and mask the fact that the main goal of the organisation is for it to make more money than it already does so that the members of its board can employ the services of even more expensive escorts while they shove even more cocaine up their fat nostrils.

I would also like to make you aware of the fact that if you employ me, I will do as little as I can get away with and will not do a second of overtime unless I am asked by someone more superior than myself, in which case, I will certainly lack the balls to say no.

There will definitely be other people applying for this job who are more qualified and more motivated than I am, but one thing I can promise you is that however pissed off I may become with the ineptitude of the management, I will never complain to anyone who matters, and therefore, will not give you any trouble. I can also promise you that, although I will take the odd sick day because I can be even less arsed than usual to get up that morning, I will show up on time most days. Of course, during the day, I will spend some time playing minesweeper on my computer and reading the Sun online, but not enough to affect my performance to the extent that it will arouse any attention.

I will attend the staff parties and make inane small talk with people I am, at best, completely indifferent to, and possibly sneak out the back half way through the evening to enjoy a sly joint with the only other member of staff I actually have anything in common with, but who will certainly leave the company at some point during the next year to go travelling, leaving me feeling jealous of him and even more worthless than I already do. I will also attend the compulsory team building weekends, but will pay no more than lip service to the nonsensical, supposedly inspirational clichés that are being spouted at me by the insufferably smug dickhead of a consultant you pay far too much as I close my eyes and fall backwards into the arms of a female colleague with whom I will never exchange more than a few words with on the grounds that I don’t want to have sex with her.

If the truth be told, I always wanted to be an actor, but never had the talent to succeed in this field. Even if I had the talent, there is no question that I would have failed anyway due to the fact that I lack even the tiniest hint of will power and am terrible at handling rejection. Instead I have opted to pursue a career that will provide me with no fulfillment whatsoever, but enough money to put food on the table for my annoying, noisy children and buy myself just enough beer on a Friday night to make me drunk enough to discuss with a complete stranger I meet at the bar the possibility of buying a racehorse together, before I make a tit out of myself in front of everyone by slurring my speech while I slag of my boring, nagging, sexless whore of a wife (yes, I realise the inherent contradiction in the concept of a ‘sexless whore of a wife’, but as I will be shitfaced when I say it, I will not care and will probably attempt, and fail, to punch anyone who might point this out to me).

Therefore, I urge you to employ as a member of your team and look forward to hearing from you.

Yours faithfully,

Nobody Special.

P.S. What actually is a claims adjuster?

I'm laughing too hard to type more than this line to say it's great. Love it.

"Insufferably smug dickhead of a consultant" - doesn't WF have one of those, somewhere a bit up from where General Sherman reached the coast?

Loved it. So true to life.

Of course, during the day, I will spend some time playing minesweeper on my computer and reading the Sun online, but not enough to affect my performance to the extent that it will arouse any attention.

^ This!

Hahahaha! This is really good, and really funny!

If you do apply for this job, you might want to tighten up the commas and lose the odd unnecessary adjective, otherwise, good luck with the interview.

Send it in dude. I bet they will hire you.

Wonderful. Mind if I borrow the premise?

I'm not applying for work at the moment, you understand... I just enjoy pissing people off.

All though, if I could make a small suggestion. Sign the letter 'Your-Boss-In-Ten-Years.'

Thank you for the read, I needed a laugh.

No, I don't mind if you borrow the premise.

Regards,

Lance

Nice work, glad to see someone out here making the jokes.

Also, Joey Comeau wrote and published a long series of these. They get kind of surreal and esoteric, but its one of the best story collections I've ever read. He also sent all of them.

good, honest outpouring of irritation right there.

Quite stereotypical day for the office, makes me happy I work in the Video Game industry. Everybody loves their job here, and yes, including the 'working' part.