Thread: 'Fiend.' Opening to a story.

“You see that one up there, Chloe,” said Nick as he pointed into the dark sky. His sister, Chloe, squinted and leaned forward, as if to get a better look.



“No, I don't see anything,” she said, “whats it supposed to be?” she asked curiously.



“Aires,” he said quickly, “ its Greek mythology,” He crossed his legs.



“Like Romeo and Juliet?” asked Chloe. He chuckled, the nievity of youth showed through.



“Not exactly,” He said, “ See there was these two kids, right? And they had a mother who- uhh...- well- didn't treat her children that great. So the gods sent a ram, who I think is Aires, to go and save the kids,”



“From the mother?” she interrupted curiously. She sat Indian-style.



“Yeah- from the mom. So he came down from heaven, and swept the two kids away from the mom so they can have a better life somewhere else.” it grew silent. They turned and looked back at the sky. Hoping that the stars would spread so the ram could make his way down and rescue them. Chloe looked at the grass. Nick turned to look at her, and put his hand on her arm. She winced and pull away.



“Still hurts?” asked Nick. She nodded her head and pulled her sleeve up, revealing a big bruise that ranged from her shoulder to her elbow. Nick lead her head onto his shoulder. They sat in silence for a few moments.



“What happened to the two kids?” she asked.



“Well-- one made it away safe, but the other-- fell off the ram.” she popped her head up-



“What happened to him?”



“I don't know.” he simply said and smiled- “Probably just made it back to his sister,” Chloe smiled and laid down, comfort had flooded her body, washing away the self-pity and sadness. Nick, only 17, was her guardian. She had a mother, who was only it by title, could care less about her. So when their father passed away when she was born, it was up to her older brother to guide her through. And that was exactly what he did.

This is an interesting idea and I'd like to read more. It sounds as if you're setting things up for a retelling of the Greek myth. My assumption...correct me if I'm wrong.

I really like the dialogue. You have a good ear for the way that people speak. But I think it would be good to weave some narrative into this opening part - where the children are, why they are there and in what time period the story is set - things to help the reader contextualise what they are reading. Some people find it difficult to read long sections of dialogue without any other information to give the dialogue meaning.

A bit of attention to spelling and grammar as well, which are really important when sending work to an agent or publisher. 'Naivety' is spelt thus, and an apostrophe was missed in 'what(')s it supposed to be'.

Originally Posted by yingguoren

This is an interesting idea and I'd like to read more. It sounds as if you're setting things up for a retelling of the Greek myth. My assumption...correct me if I'm wrong.

I really like the dialogue. You have a good ear for the way that people speak. But I think it would be good to weave some narrative into this opening part - where the children are, why they are there and in what time period the story is set - things to help the reader contextualise what they are reading. Some people find it difficult to read long sections of dialogue without any other information to give the dialogue meaning.

A bit of attention to spelling and grammar as well, which are really important when sending work to an agent or publisher. 'Naivety' is spelt thus, and an apostrophe was missed in 'what(')s it supposed to be'.

Thanks for the input. I really appreciate it- I'll try to fix it up some.

You need to concentrate on the point you are trying to make. I can appreciate the brother/sister relation you are trying to explore, but it doesn't really go anywhere.

Think of your point first, then write a story. The style and ease of reading come AFTER making sure your point is clear.

I think this would work nicely as a prologue for a story that delves deeper into the characters and events leading to the point described. It might be nice to include a little more detail of where they are, backyard, woods behind home, etc in order to set the scene a little bit more. However this did have me asking for more details and since you stated it was an introduction I think it works well, as long as you don't mean the first part of the first chapter. A nice write and as others said I like the premise of the subject matter and how it is being presented in tune with mythology. Thanks for sharing this.

All the best,
TW