Thread: Sorrow Inbetween the Undergrowth (Mild Language)

Just a quick note, I'm 14, It's my first piece and it'll be crap as I'm expecting... I'm also sorry if it's a little too.. Military-based, but please ask and I'll be happy to explain what things are!
THIS IS A ROUGH DRAFT. I'VE TRIED MY BEST TO KEEP THE SPELLING MISTAKES MINIMAL. I'M AWARE IT WILL NEED REWRITING, AS I'M SURE YOU CAN POINT MANY FLAWS. I simply need this help to get my A* in the bag for a GCSE, I just need to know where I'm going wrong
This was also done in ONE sitting. I just thought it off the top of my head as I go along. I NEVER plan ANY piece of writing, I find it better to twist and develop along the way.

ALSO - I gave myself the 6, as I didn't want to sound big-headed and I couldn't be bothered clicking 'view results' every time to see if someone had voted or not
BEGIN


1st November 1955.
Pvt David O'Marley, 1st Battallion, 7th Cavalry Div.

That was me, Just a Conscript for this war in a place the general population hasn't heard of. I was assigned by my father, A tough nut, and an infantry Captain in World War 2. He survived Omaha, and expected me to pull through all the same. In his eyes, It's a family lineage. I had Family fighting in the Civil war, World War 1, World War 2, Korea and now here. It's my turn to step up to the plate, and I suddenly get cold feet.

The recruitment office was dank, and dirty. It felt horrible and miserable, and it seemed there were many young, 18 year old men in my position. They had to fight, because they didn't know what else to do or were pressured into it. I myself was both, as my mother died during child birth and I got placed into adoption until my father returned from the European theater. He rented a small and revolting apartment, but it had to do, as there was simply no jobs. I gave credit to my dad, He raised me fine and sacrificed a hell of a lot for me, So that was another tonne weight of guilt that hit me if I didn't serve in the Army.

I got trained and sent out to Vietnam. I was posted to a airbase near Pleiku, I always had a secret obsession for Planes and Helicopters, So I felt right at home admiring the F4-U Phantoms and A7 Corsair's on display and during maintenance. Were were sent to bed one night after a huge debrief of what was going down. My Squad were headed to Landing Zone X-Ray and were going to be some of the first units to fight in Vietnam. I was suspended between the emotions of Pride and Shock. I could die tomorrow, But I could die a Hero.

The Huey we rode in on had clearly seen plenty of wear and tear - Bullet holes surrounded the old bird, but these things were damned tough. No lucky charlies could put her down today.. At least I had hoped not. Sargent Muldover barked at me "O'Marley, Right Door Gun!" to which I immediately followed. I think that's why I was good in the army - Just shut up and get done what you were told to do. As the chopper whirred up, I held on to the mounted M60 for dear life, it was the only thing I knew was stable, Very much unlike my Sargent's mood.

Soon, the Rusty green hulk was airborne, I just absorbed all the luscious green surrounding me, Because for all I knew, I may not be seeing it the next day. My eyes seemed to be deceiving me.. Were those shrubs moving? The Jungle was so intense it was hard to work out, but I clearly saw some silhouettes of what looked to be human. I tapped the Sargent on the shoulder, but before I could even utter the very instance of "Sir.." a flash and a crack came from the silhouette, which quickly dissipated after the bang. The shape flew towards us with such velocity, I didn't even have time to react. The glaring bleeping noise indicating a lock-on spread throughout the Huey, and the pilots quickly attempted to ditch the incoming missile. They were simply too late. The rocket cracked into the huey's tail, hitting the bird with such impact the chopper flew into a spin. Cpl. Ramirez chose the wrong time to light a marlbrough, He had no time to react to grab hold. The only thing he could do was scream on his way down to earth. The pilot's screamed into his radio and to us "MAYDAY MAYDAY, CALLSIGN 381 GOING DOWN IN SECT-" Silence.

Was I dead? This certainly was no illusion. I blinked twice, to a dull ringing. Nothing. I felt at one with time and space. I certainly wasn't alive. At least, I thought that. One re-assuring thing is that you know you aren't dead, when your Sargent screams at you to "GET THE HELL UP, WE'RE IN THE DEEP SHIT!" as you're just about coming to. I saw my Door gun M60 laying on the ground, battered, but loaded. I took it and crawled to the small ditch where my squad lay. I say squad, I mean 2 Recruits, a PFC and me from the original 12. My Sargent, Clearly in the worst mood I've yet to see him in, but I felt he had enough of a reason to talk to Command HQ like he did. "What's our sector? I DON'T FUCKING KNOW, WE'VE CRASHED. GET SOME FUCKING AIR SUPPORT DOWN HERE, WE'RE OUTNUMBERED 2000 TO FUCKING 4!" Before he threw the phone down in disgust. He looked at me directly "Get some Suppressive fire at ANYTHING that doesn't speak English and is looking this way!" I obliged and laid down the M60, and crackled off a few rounds to no avail. They couldn't give a crap if we had 10 Huey Gunship's peppering the shit out of their positions, they'd keep returning fire as long as they had enough 7.62 left.

The tight circle of fire closed in on our mangled Huey, We'd lost both pilots and 8 men, We weren't in a great state at all. The M60 had ran out of rounds, and the left handed door gun got mangled in the crash. I searched for my M16A1, but had to take a Colt M1911 from the dead pilots. I didn't want to waste pointless rounds firing at silhouettes, But I took decent aim at targets who got a little too close for comfort. We all knew we realistically weren't coming out of this. We had little firepower, little morale, and little hope.

I never thought the US Army would actually send their own citizens into a mess like this, but they sure as hell did. I would have at least expected some support, and that's what we got. Fortunately, Landing zone Albany was nearby to our crash site. A small swoosh turned into an uproar of rotor blades and rock. A few cracks of M60 fire made the closer Vietcong's spring back into hiding, and if the confident ones remained, they sure as hell panicked when they saw a Huey Gunship enter, Fire Hydra rockets towards the mass of fire, and the two gattling guns whirred. a spray of used cartlidges landed a few meters away from us, and many screams of anguish appeared from the mass of fire that now dulled into a sorrow of pain inbetween the undergrowth.

END

This is my first attempt of anything novel based, I personally think I could do a lot better but I just can't get it down onto paper. Thanks for reading, feel free to be as harsh as required. Also please vote on the poll, and read the first 4 lines of the whole post )

Here are some of my comments:

First off, for writing a short story for the first time, this was tolerable. However, the mistakes were simply daunting, to the point that I had to stop at the eight paragraph, rest a bit, then return back here. It was just that, er, painful. Sorry.

Enough about that.

I usually do a bit of corrections first in my comments, then go on from there. Here are some things I noticed.

That was me, Just a Conscript for this war in a place the general population hasn't heard of. I was assigned by my father, A tough nut, and an infantry Captain in World War 2. He survived Omaha, and expected me to pull through all the same. In his eyes, It's a family lineage. I had Family fighting in the Civil war, World War 1, World War 2, Korea and now here.

When you said you had spell-checked the thing, you weren't exactly doing a fine job. These letters I highlighted don't need to be in caps, do they? Even if it's a military rank, it doesn't need to be in caps.

Returning to that paragraph, I noticed you had the tendency to put things of the same sense in separated sentences. That's typical of a man typing as he goes in writing a story, but still, there needs to be some refining to be done as modesty to the reader, I'm sure you'll agree. Take a look at these examples:

In his eyes, It's a family lineage. I had Family fighting in the Civil war, World War 1, World War 2, Korea and now here.

This could've been: "My family had fought in every single war of history, something my father saw as a lineage."

The recruitment office was dank, and dirty. It felt horrible and miserable

This could've been: "The recruitment office was dank, dirty and was simply miserable."

Placing similarly attuned ideas in separated sentences makes the idea appear "chopped" and fragmented. If you can pull the idea in a single sentence, then the reader will get to see your story faster and more efficiently. Of course, this is not always observed. Sometimes, chopping up the idea is needed to create some sort of suspense, but keeping ideas in one sentence is pretty much the general rule.

and I suddenly get cold feet.

When writing a story, keep your tenses parallel. If you start writing in past tense, then make sure that tense is preserved until the end. Conversations are exceptions, of course.

Were were sent to bed one night after a huge debrief of what was going down.

Typographical error?

The pilot's screamed into his radio and to us "MAYDAY MAYDAY, CALLSIGN 381 GOING DOWN IN SECT-" Silence.

When trying to point out shouting in a conversation, a simple exclamation point at the end of the sentence is enough. That's what the punctuation mark is for, after all. Putting it in all-caps isn't exactly the best way to go, though there are times the writer will employ this kind of typography to emphasize the situation. But, here, in this sentence, as well as in some other all-caps conversations in your text, the all-caps isn't necessary. You already said that the pilot was screaming, right?

The M60 had ran out of rounds, and the left handed door gun got mangled in the crash. I searched for my M16A1, but had to take a Colt M1911 from the dead pilots.

Although I really appreciate your technical knowledge, that many readers appreciate it if you keep on giving them jargon. A few military names are acceptable, just to show the reader you know your stuff and to set the mood, but don't go overboard. This could've been better sentence if it was like so: "I tried to search for my M-16 rifle, to no avail. To defend myself, I had to get one of the dead pilot's sidearm."

I also noticed that there seems less detail on the background. Expanding on that a bit more is a worthwhile investment.

I do appreciate your knowledge of military stuff. Very few people know such things, and with this background, you can further give insight to these things to your readers.

The plot is there. A simple mission turned sour, and the idea could work as an opening setting for a first chapter.

That's all I have for now. If you have any other questions, then please don't hesitate to PM me!

I'll re-draft a total rewrite, and If you're up for proof reading, It'll be massively appreciated

Hi Ryan. This is good, I think it has a lot of potential. Here are some thoughts.

1st November 1955.
Pvt David O'Marley, 1st Battallion, 7th Cavalry Div.

Is the date correct? America didn't go in to Vietnam until '65, did they? Seem to remember they landed at Da Nang in that year, I think, though Vietnam isn't really my specialist subject. And does this intro (date, name, unit) indicate we are reading a journal, diary, or something similar?

That was me, Just a Conscript for this war in a place the general populationJoe Public hasn't hadn't heard of. I was assigned by my father, A tough nut, and an infantry Captain at Omaha.in World War 2. He survived Omaha, and expected me to pull through all the same. In his eyes, It's a family lineage. I had family fighting in the Civil war, World War 1, World War 2, Korea and now hereI had ancestors at Gettysburg, on the Marne, and on the 38th parallel.. It's It was my turn to step up to the plate, and I suddenly getgot cold feet.

The recruitment office was dank, and dirty.It felt horrible and miserable

I'd ditch: it felt horrible and miserable. We can feel that from the description of dank and dirty.

I myself was both

I think this is called tautology. Using two words or phrases to say the same thing. Lose myself, it reads just the same: I was both.

I was posted to a airbase near Pleiku, I always had a secret obsession for Planes and Helicopters,

Airbase preceded by an, not a. There are two sentences here, so you should separate them with a full stop, not a comma.

Were were sent to bed one night after a huge debrief of what was going down.

Try something like extensive / detailed, instead of huge. An elephant is huge, or an aircraft carrier. Also, doesn't a debrief occur after an event, so this should be a briefing. Not 100% on that, just a thought.

The Huey we rode in on had clearly seen plenty of wear and tear - Bullet holes surrounded the old bird,

Try something like: she was riddled with bullet holes. The holes don't surround the Huey.

Soon, the Rusty green hulk was airborne, I just absorbed all the luscious green surrounding me, Because for all I knew, I may not be seeing it the next day.

Take care not to make your writing flabby. Frequently, fewer words is better. In this example, perhaps not the best example to use, though I will, try using either green or rusty, maybe rusty as you use green in the next clause when you describe the grass. Get rid of luscious. Last sentence as something like: it may have been the last time I saw it. So it would read: Soon, the rusty hulk was airborne, and I absorbed the green surrounding (below?) me, as it could have been the last time I saw it.

I'll leave it there, I hope some of this is useful, I know it's mostly technical stuff, and not critiquing the story, but I think the story is good. Is it the start of something longer? Novel length, short story?

I think there is a lot of scope for your narrator to draw on the experiences of his father, grandfather, and other ancestors who fought in the other wars. Maybe he feels under pressure to achieve what they did? Or did they all survive their respective wars? Maybe they told him tales of their battles, enemies etc. There really is great scope here.

On a final note, think hard about the title you use. It needs to be relevant, and that's why I asked if it was the start of something longer. You use the word sorrow in the title, and yet there is no sorrow in the story. Fair enough if it will develop later. Also, perhaps Sorrow in the Undergrowth would be more appropriate, I'm not sure if you can be between the undergrowth.

Good luck with this. I look forward to reading the next draft.

Scott

Da Nang was the first American attack on vietnam soil, if you were into history, I actually used the same Landing Zones / locations as the real place.. and the first 'troops' died there. It is aimed at being a novel, But I'm 14, and I find it hard to drag things out to 100 pages.. I could go into detail on the older wars, Especially Omaha. I do like D-Day stories Thanks though, great help both of you!

Yes, it is meant to be Journalistic yet narrated.. If that's understood? As though he's writing it to tell the reader a story, not for himself Well picked up!

If you're into your D-Day stories, I urge you to read Stephen E. Ambrose's D-Day. He's the author of Band of Brothers. The level of detail in the book is frightening. A quite brilliant, and enthralling, history of that day. That is, of course, if you haven't already read it.

I'll give it a read if I can get hold of it, Thanks for the suggestion!