Thread: A bit strange...

Here is the very beginning of the story I'm writing at the moment. I'm just curious to see if this introduction engages anyone into the story.

Vick took a bite of his fluffy pink cotton candy as he walked with his four band mates through the amusement park.
“Man, eating cotton candy before the biggest roller coaster in the world? What are you thinking?”
Vick smiled.
“Actually, I thought sugar puke would taste a lot better than hot dog flavored.”
Justin laughed and started to run towards the line for the Superman roller coaster. The rest of the friends ran after.
“How are you feeling?” Vick asked Al, who was rocking from foot to foot.
“I’m going to throw up.” Al grinned and chuckled contagiously. Vick looked up at the rollercoaster ahead, adrenaline pumping around his body.
After about five minutes, everyone boarded the rollercoaster. Only three people could sit in a car so Vick and Benry were sandwiched around a teenage girl.
“Oh my gawsh!” she shrieked, her brown hair blowing in the wind.
Vick glanced at Benry with surprise. This was the first time they’d encountered a fan.
“Are you from Strobe?”
“Yes,”
“I love your music, when will you guys be releasing another album?”
Then the roller coaster started and Benry’s voice was drowned out by the clinking tracks as he said,
“Soon.”
The teenage girl raised her arms in the air fearlessly. Vick glanced at Benry, who clung to the hand loops for dear life. The roller coaster ascended the steep track at a chillingly slow rate.
“If that kid can let go, I can,” thought Vick.
Slowly, he released his hands just as the roller coaster reached the first peak. All that was visible was the horizon, nothing below. For a moment, Vick was floating in midair. Benry was screaming like a little girl, Vick was silenced with horror, and the girl was laughing like a lunatic. And then they were hurtling down to their deaths. Vick’s eyes were closed; his teeth gritted like a vice. All he could see was red. When he finally dared to open his eyes again, the track was curving on its side, revolving down and approaching another incline. The roller coaster seemed to last forever, and when Vick finally got off he felt like he was walking on giant stilts made of air.
As the others got off of the roller coaster, Justin screamed loudly as Al and Nicholas looked, laughing.
“Justin man you’ve got to quit doing that. Somebody’s going to call the cops,” Nicholas said with dancing eyes as he walked towards Vick and Benry.
“So, how did you like it?”
“I almost-“
The girl interrupted Vick.
“Sorry to interrupt you guys, but I just really wanted you to sign my shirt,” she smiled, passing Justin a marker.
Justin knelt down and signed a corner of the girl’s white wifebeater, then stood up and stood with the rest of the members awkwardly.
“Well, I want all of your signatures!”
All five signed the girl’s shirt.
“Hey, thanks,” the girl smiled, “By the way, I’m Shayla. You have a lot of fans at Midlothian High School who would love to meet you.”
“Okey dokey.”
The girl walked away with an ear to ear smile.
“That was…. Strange.”
The five stood in awe for a moment, and then continued through the amusement park without anyone recognizing them.
It had been a long day and the band retired to their hotel rooms, ready for recording at the studio the next morning.

Vick strummed his guitar nonchalantly and leaned further back into his tattered yellow armchair.
“We need a new song.” Justin sat down in his white disk chair.
Al put his guitar on the floor and sighed. Running his fingers through his messy Afro, he looked up at the clock on the wall.
“Have you written anything, Justin?” Vick asked.
Justin pulled out a wrinkly piece of paper from his pocket and passed it to Vick.
On the paper, in Justin’s large messy handwriting were the most brilliant lyrics that Vick had ever read.
“This is rad!”
Vick read the lyrics aloud to the other members of the band, who all grinned.
“That’s amazing, man!” Benry said, glancing at Justin, who sat humbly on his chair, his hands interlocked on his lap.
“Do you have the music written too?”
“That’s what I wanted to talk about.”

Hi Blue Pencil, it was engaging enough to want more about the band - what they play - who are they etc? A few things - adrenaline pumped through his body might be better. Then the rc started -suggest - the rollercoaster moved off - then sounds a little clumsy perhaps? Loved walking on giant stilts made of air good description - As the others got off of is redundant - then stood up and joined the rest - sounds better as 2 stoods close by isn't right. Keep it up and post more.

First off, I would like to say that this is a good piece for a flash fiction type of writing. It was just a normal day at the amusement park, and so the reader is put on a sort of relaxed aura, which I missed in reading stories. All of the stories tend to try to catch the reader's attention by immediately placing the characters in a tense situation, and this could be sort of tiring, if you catch my drift. I do have a few minor problems with it.

One is about the spacing. You could put an empty line in between paragraphs so reading would be a bit easier. The layout as it is now looks daunting, and the wall of text appears just like that - a wall of text. Usually, I don't have much problems with that since this is a story, after all, but this kind of layout puts strain on the eyes, or at least my eyes. If I'm the only one with this problem, then please do ignore me.

Another nit I saw was this one here:

Vick smiled.
“Actually, I thought sugar puke would taste a lot better than hot dog flavored.”

Then the roller coaster started and Benry’s voice was drowned out by the clinking tracks as he said,
“Soon.”

Notice the two? I think it would be better if the conversation line and the narration line were in one paragraph, like so:

Vick smiled, then said, “Actually, I thought sugar puke would taste a lot better than hot dog flavored.”

Then the roller coaster started and Benry’s voice was drowned out by the clinking tracks as he said, “Soon.”

They look more fluid and easy-flowing this way, I think.

Also, the intro needs a little more description. What's happening in the amusement park? What's happening around the band as they joked and laughed at one another? Ambient noise? Weather? Things like that should put some sort of vibe to your intro, and it would feel as if the reader is actually "seeing" the event occur, not just merely "listening" as the story is narrated.

As for your question, then this intro could be able to catch the attention of the reader. It made me wonder, "What will happen next? What's the role of the girl? What's the role of the school the girl mentioned?" On the downside, this intro looked a bit bland, so the curiosities I mentioned may lose their edge. I think describing the background a bit will put some color to the story and that ought to solve this slight issue.