Thread: Island of Dragons

Chapter One (Realm of Magic)

Magic, true or false? Now there's a well known question, some believe it to be true, and believe that all things are possible. Others believe such things are absurd and have no factual evidence. But that point of view is what has no factual evidence. No factual evidence in the story in the story I'm about to tell. For my story takes place in a far away land of old. Over the mighty mountains and out in the great blue sea. Lies a mysterious island, referred to, by only one name; The Isle of Fire. But is more commonly known, by the birds in the air and the fish in the sea. As the Island of the Dragons. You heard me right, for this is a place well known to the mythical reptiles of old. This is the land where all dragons come. Be they the damsel snatching lizards of Europe or the wise and benevolent serpents of Asia. All dragons are welcome to the Isle of Fire. Commanding this island and maintaining the peace, is the wise and benevolent Dragon Emperor; Sauros. And for well over 2000 years, Sauros has kept the Isle of Fire in perfect order. But that's not where our story truly begins. Since there is one dragon that is not too fond of the way things work on the island. And that dragon is one who goes by the name, Draco.
1.


A dragon with blue spikes and scales as red as blood. Draco appears to be a simple dragon. He has likes, dislikes, fears, even plans for the future. Unfortunately, he believes that those plans aren’t' going to happen on the Isle of Fire. Unlike the other dragons that reside on the island, Draco believes that he has no place on the Isle of Fire. For two main reasons; he can't fly, nor can he breathe fire. And those very abilities are what make a dragon a dragon, or so he has heard. Everyone on the island can fly and breathe fire (or ice, lightning, smoke, or anything else). Everyone but Draco, his wings are too weak to fly and all he can breathe is air. Which is why he has always felt like an outcast? But he's not the only dragon who feels that way. Far from the more plentiful parts of the island. Pass the Forest of Judgment; the forest where law and order is served on the island. And a few miles passed the Imperial Stones; home of Emperor Sauros. Lays a dreary area, one covered with mountains and volcanoes. This area is known to the local dragons, as "The Mountains of Vulcan". And within these mountains, in the very center, stands Mount Helios. But that is only what can be seen from the outside. A closer look would reveal the flame shaped cave entrance on the side of Mount Helios. And within the cave, through the lava formed tunnel, resides an unusual molten rock formation. One that was not only also formed by the lava. But might be considered to be a temple by those from the world of humanity.
2.



And within this temple, is a dragon of another type. This is the home of the vile, the wicked, the malevolent, and the most evil dragon of them all. So evil, we dare not speak her name, no one even what her real name is anymore. This Volcanic lair, is home to the........"Imperious Volcanica". Now we all know humans aren't above gaining an unquenchable thirst for power. One so corrupting, it begins to grow, and feed on the human's very soul. Naturally, dragons are no exception to that fact of life. For you see, for many years, many dragons have succumb to the seductive power of darkness. And sadly, Volcanica was one of the most recent victims of the dark side. But her transformation was especially bad. Because she attempted to assume control over the entire island. As well as try to slay Emperor Sauros, all through s violent and dangerous coup. Fortunately, Volcanica's plot was thwarted by a small band of dragons, all loyal to Emperor Sauros. After she had been thwarted, Volcanica was exiled to the most secluded area on the island, the Mountains of Vulcan. And there, she has remained for 900 years. But to her, the story is far from over. Years upon years, Volcanica has replayed the climax of her coup in her head and every time, she grows angrier. Volcanica has sworn terrible revenge on Sauros and every dragon that resides on the island. Which plays an important part to our story? Because even to this very day, Volcanica has been plotting her bloodthirsty comeback and her glorious rise to power!
3.



Assisting her in her scheming, are her loyal cronies and servants, the Hobgoblins. Why Hobgoblins? You might ask, well they might be very troublesome and mischievous. But one good thing about Hobgoblins, they're as sharp as bowling balls. This makes them very easy to boss around, which Volcanica has been doing, for 700 years. Ever since the first hobgoblins came to the Isle of Fire, 899 years ago. But our story isn't about Volcanica, or her hobgoblin cronies. It's about our lonely little dragon, Draco. Every now and then, Draco tries to; somehow, learn how to strengthen his wings. And is practically blowing his lungs out, trying to breath out fire. Or at least something other than air. But, no matter how hard he tried, Draco's wings weren't strong and not even a spark or a puff of smoke has ever come out of his mouth. This is more than discouraging to poor Draco. It only encourages his belief that a dragon that can't fly or breathe fire isn't a dragon. Which has given Draco the idea, that if he isn’t a dragon, he’s nothing? And because of this, Draco has stayed isolated from all the other dragons. The only one who can comfort him, is a dragon named Abigal, his mother. "Draco, what's wrong sweetie?" said the loving mother, as her dreary son walks passed her, inside their cave in the Housing Canyon. A deep canyon full of caves, which all the dragons have claimed as their homes. Draco did not answer his mother; he just crawled into the cave and onto his pile of straw, and slowly fell asleep.
4.



Chapter Two (The Start of Something New)

Abigal can see that her son is down in the dumps like always. Poor Abigal knows what vexes Draco, but there's nothing she could do, and she's done so much already. Ever since her husband, Juan, and his best friend, Clancy, flew into Medieval England, Abigal has been haunted by what she was told of what happened. When Juan and Clancy were flying over the English countryside about 50 years ago. They were spotted by a band of murderous black knights. They attempted to fly away, but as they did, one of the knights threw a bolas at Clancy and knocked him out of the sky. And as poor Clancy lied limp on the ground, the leader of the dark knights drew his sword and was prepared to add a new head to his trophy wall. But is stopped, when Juan blasted him with a fireball. Soon, Juan was firing a whole barrage of flaming projectiles. All of which sent the knights running. Juan tried to help Clancy get back up on his feet, but Clancy was still a little banged up from his fall. Although, he still had enough strength to get into the air. But before the two friends could fly, the knights returned for another assault. At that very instant, Juan leaped in front of Clancy to his defense. When the knights started to advance, Juan shouted at flimsy companion "Clancy, fly! I'll hold them off, go!” Clancy was surprised at this, but he knew that Juan's wisdom could be trusted, so he took off. With a tear in his eye, Clancy somehow knew that he might never see his friend again.
5.



Ever since, Abigal has cared for Draco alone. Sure, Clancy will stop by and give her a hand (or claw). But there's no reptile; magical or not, who can replace Juan. Which could be the source of Draco's main problem, like so many young boys, Draco wants to live up to the kind of man (or dragon) that his father was. Juan was a champion flyer and was so skilled at breathing fire, he could write his name in the sky in flames. In those days, even though Draco couldn't fly or breathe fire, his father was always there for him and gave him hope. But now that Juan is gone, Draco has lost all hope of flight and fire-breathing. And it wasn't long before Draco had decided to take leave of the island, for good. He used his claws to carve a note in a stone slab, for his mother. In said note, was written "Dear Abigal, I’m sorry, but I just don't belong here -- not anymore, I'm not Juan, I'll never be Juan. So I guess this is goodbye, for good. Love Draco". (F.Y.I. it's always been a part of life dragons, to call their parents by their first names. As opposed to humans who would call their parents "Mom" and "Dad".) At first, Draco was going to leave the island from the shore. But he forgot one detail, he can't swim. But, one good thing Draco feels he can say about himself is that he's very inventive. So he decided to make a raft out of trees, vines and mud. This was surprisingly easy for him; he can't fly or breathe fire. But his claws have never let him down once. And moving the logs and vines was no difficulty either. Thanks to his tail, he hoists up the logs, like an elephant would with its trunk.
6.


He hauled his logs and vines over to the beach. And after measuring them, he used his claws to cut the vines. Then, after tying all the logs together. He molds them together with his own (get ready) Saliva. Which was just strong enough to be equal to glue or tree sap? However, while Draco was building his raft. He was being observed by a runty, portly hobgoblin, and an ugly one at that. His name was Glunk; he was out on patrol for his mistress; that's right, Volcanica. And seeing Draco try to build a way off the island is something he believes he should report to his Female, Fiery Facilitator. Which he sets off to do, but quietly. You see, when Volcanica put her coup into action all those years ago. The hobgoblins were her hired help for that. After the coup failed, and when Volcanica was exiled to the Vulcan Mountains. The hobgoblins were also condemned to the mountains with her. They are now forbidden in everywhere else on the island. So now, if they want to go somewhere else, whether to spy for Volcanica or to retrieve something for her, they must do it in the dark of night and/or under the cover of the shadows. And with said shadows, Glunk made it back to Volcanica's mountain cave. He approached Volcanica while she was seated on her throne, which was comprised of volcanic rock.
7.



"Oh Masterful Volcanica, I have a report" said Glunk, as he bowed before his mistress. "Don't waste my time with your Babel, you runty sub-elf, show me" said Volcanica as she wraps her tail around Glunk. Once she hoists him up in the air. Her eyes begin to glow bright, blood red, almost equivalent to a roaring fire. At that moment, Glunk's eyes start to glow as well. And at that point, Glunk's thoughts became clear as crystal. "So, a young dragon is attempting to leave the island, why?" said Volcanica, as she read Glunk's thoughts. When she hears was what Glunk heard Draco say, while spying on him. An evil plan formed in her mind, she even let out a cruel chuckle, as she dropped Glunk flat on his back. Volcanica then rushed to her cabinet, which contains a cornucopia of her evil spells and incantations. Among them is a large, oval emerald. This is the Emerald Eye of the Hydra. Volcanica has used it for some time, as her only window to the outside world, should there ever be someone or something out of the reach of her spies. This is what Volcanica wanted out of the evil cabinet. Upon removing it from the cabinet, she holds it up in the air and recites it's activation spell; "Shining, green Hydra eye, Hear the words said by I. Show me now, fast and sleek. The him or her whom I seek." With those words said, the green hydra eye began to glow. And the large gem displays a mystic image ala crystal ball. This image was Draco, riding his newly built raft on the open water. "So the young misfit dragon takes the coward's way out. If worked properly, this runaway brat could be just what I need to exact my revenge on Sauros and bring about the destruction of this island." The wicked she-dragon said to herself.
8.

These are just the first 2 chapters of the book

But that point of view is what has no factual evidence. No factual evidence in the story in the story I'm about to tell.

Now this doesn't make any sense at all. Even if "in the story" isn't duplicated, "No factual evidence in the story I'm about to tell" basically says "this is all fiction", which sorta ruins the mood of the story.

[quote]
For my story takes place in a far away land of old. Over the mighty mountains and out in the great blue sea.
[quote]

The second sentence is a fragment-these should be combined.

Over the mighty mountains and out in the great blue sea. Lies a mysterious island

Actually as I read on I think it should be combined with this one instead. Makes more sense.

Lies a mysterious island, referred to, by only one name; The Isle of Fire

The second comma doesn't belong, and there should be a colon instead of a semicolon.

But is more commonly known, by the birds in the air and the fish in the sea. As the Island of the Dragons.

This sentence doesn't have a noun. "But it is more commonly known..."
And the second sentence is also a fragment-should be combined with the first.

You heard me right

This doesn't fit the rest of the mood. "you heard me right" sounds like something I'd expect to hear in a wild west film, not an epic like this.

[quote]
Be they the damsel snatching lizards of Europe or the wise and benevolent serpents of Asia. All dragons are welcome to the Isle of Fire.
[quote]

Another two sentences that should be combined.

Commanding this island and maintaining the peace, is the wise and benevolent Dragon Emperor; Sauros.

comma does not belong, and again, the semicolon should be a colon.

Since there is one dragon that is not too fond of the way things work on the island.

Remove "Since"

And that dragon is one who goes by the name, Draco.

No comma here, would look better as "goes by the name OF Draco".

A dragon with blue spikes and scales as red as blood. Draco appears to be a simple dragon.

Need to be combined.

Unlike the other dragons that reside on the island, Draco believes that he has no place on the Isle of Fire.

We already know the sentence is referring to the Isle of Fire, it doesn't need to be repeated.

Which is why he has always felt like an outcast?

Are you asking or telling us?

Far from the more plentiful parts of the island. Pass the Forest of Judgment; the forest where law and order is served on the island. And a few miles passed the Imperial Stones; home of Emperor Sauros. Lays a dreary area, one covered with mountains and volcanoes

All these are talking about the same thing-they all should be combined into one.

This area is known to the local dragons, as "The Mountains of Vulcan".

No comma needed. And "Vulcan" is a Greek diety. Why would dragons know Greek mythology?

One that was not only also formed by the lava. But might be considered to be a temple by those from the world of humanity.

Another two that should be combined.

And within this temple, is a dragon of another type.

Remove the comma.

I think this is already long enough and most of the other problems with the story are simply more renditions of what has already been addressed here.

One big thing I have noticed is that you don't put punctuation in the right place. After you write something, try speaking it out loud, pausing slightly on the commas, and longer on the periods. See if it sounds like what you were intending to write.

As far as the story goes, it's pretty good. The idea of a dragon that can't breath fire or fly is new to me.

This needs more variety of action, dialogue, and description. There is a well known con that is brought often in critiques. I am nowhere near a good grammarian but anyways I think people would like to see less epoxisiton, less thoughts, and more events.

These were just the first 2 chapters of the story. Personally, I think it picks up within the following 24 pages after.

Well, just remember that if this ever gets published, you need to start at the middle of the action. Too much exposition can be a bad thing even though these are full of characterization. I personally think it needs to read a little smoother with some good prose.

I tried redoing Chapter one and want to know how it compares to the other version

Chapter One: (Realm of Magic)
A big place the world is: so many places to live, so many things to see, to say nothing of the stories that one could tell, which is actually why I’m here, to tell stories, and the best way to do that is to start at the beginning. In a secret location, in the most remote part of the pacific, there is an island, a very large island, known to the locals as the Isle of Fire. Though, in all honesty, a better name for it would be “The Island of Dragons”. That’s right, dragons; ancient, mythical reptiles of old, known to many cultures by a variety of names. Some are known as malevolent, damsel-snatching lizards, while others are seen as wise and gentle serpents, said to be able to summon forth rain. But no matter how many different kinds of dragons there, all of them are welcome to this island, with open arms. That’s the point of its existence, you see, to be a place where all fire-breathing reptiles can call home. Every dragon is free to come and go as they please, of course, but as every new century comes and goes, more and more dragons manage to find their way to this island, some even bringing with them the most exciting news from the outside world, even new names for the newly born. However, that's not where our story truly begins; our story is about a young dragon in particular, and his name was Draco.


Now Draco was pleasant fellow, and seemed like a normal one as well (as far as dragons go at least). But the sad truth is; Draco’s not normal, at least not by dragon standards. Since the day he was hatched, he was born quite strangely, yet that was never made clear in his appearance. On the outside he seemed very normal looking, sapphire blue spines and scales as red as blood, just the kind of thing you’d expect when looking at a dragon. But while other dragons his age could be found flying high in the sky, playing any number of games, Draco spent his days lying in the grass and starring up at them, as they soared through the air like eagles. Some of them even added fire-breathing to their merriment and to be perfectly honest, that actually made Draco very depressed. For you see, as much as Draco wanted to join them, as much as that would’ve made him happy, he couldn’t. That’s what makes Draco different from the rest, he can’t fly. He’s tried to change that, Lord knows he’s tried, but every attempt to do so has ended the same way, with Draco landing face down on the ground. He kept at it, of course, but as time went on, his increasing failures began to get to him, until finally causing him to give up all together, hence why Draco is always starring up at the sky: he longs for an experience he may never have. Unfortunately though, he does experience the inevitable consequence of being “different”, teasing, particularly from three dragons around his own age; Gristun and his two friends, Tybronea and Farangu. Gristun is considerably corpulent, to point where one can hardly tell he’s a dragon, and undeniably obnoxious, always finding something or someway to tease about someone else, no matter how personal or just plain silly it was, and Farangu was no different, in fact, a large number of Gristun’s insults and nicknames actually come from Farangu, particularly the ones thought up for Draco. Tybronea is less clever, considerably and gets his kicks by doing things as juvenile as swiping someone’s food away when they’re not looking, not as cruel as the latter two, but still very, very annoying.


These three have been tormenting Draco for years, with a variety of nicknames and teasing methods, sometimes they even went as far as to get even younger dragons to tease him, and that’s just…embarrassing. But what stung at Draco the most were the nicknames: Grass Grubber, Dirty Draco, Flightless freak, the list goes on, and the more Draco heard these taunts, the more angrier he got, especially when he couldn’t help but think about them later on, they were that hurtful and scarring. Not day goes by that Draco doesn’t think about what all people of when they’re bullied, how to make their bullies suffer, and for Draco, that meant roasting them alive in a blast of fire. But, unfortunately, that was another problem: in addition to being flightless, Draco is also without fiery breath, the one thing that all dragons are said to do, yet another flaw for Gristun and his friends to poke fun of in some way. Eventually, the time came for Draco to scurry on home and whenever he did just that, Gristun and his crew would always fly over him and chastise him one more time before they went home themselves, making Draco all the more disgusted by the fact that he actually lives near all of them. Truth to tell, in fact, Draco lives near all the island’s inhabitants, because they all live in one place, the Housing Canyon. A massive and spacious canyon, found due south of the island’s great lake and known for its numerous caves that cover it on all sides. This makes it a perfect spot for all the island’s dragons to make their nests and rest when necessary. Draco lived in a cave found in the canyon’s midsection, and because he can’t fly, he had to get there by using the old fashioned way, the dirt path. Everyday, this was his only way to and from home and the very fact that he had to use it only made him think about the harsh words of Gristun and the other bullies. They made him angry, of course, but they also made him question if there was any truth to their comments. His wings looked big enough, but he couldn’t fly and as far as he knows, he should be able to breathe fire, but all he ever breathes…is air. This, of course, made the young dragon as depressed as he was angry a mere few moments prior. What did all this mean, why couldn’t he do anything? It was all so frustrating, and this combination of frustration, anger and sadness all churned inside the young dragon and made him quite nauseas, as well as upset.


It didn’t stop him from going home, of course, but now he was doing so with his head hung low and his tail dragging on the ground. Soon enough, he was spotted by two other dragons flying downwards and noticed them giving him a friendly wave. Not that it mattered to Draco, though, as he just kept on walking without waving back, much to the surprise of the two other dragons. Now, some would’ve considered such a brush off as rude, but these two were quick to notice the depression in Draco’s movements and instead, knew something troubling the young dragon. Still, it was no concern of theirs, so they just let the matter drop and kept on flying. A common practice actually, when Draco’s not getting bullied by other dragons, he’ll occasionally come across some friendly ones, but after being teased for so long, Draco has, truthfully, lost all desire to make friends, so those dragons just leave him alone. Eventually, Draco made it home to his cave, and when he came shuffling in, he was greeted by his mother, Abigal. “Draco, there you are, how was your day?” is what she said and Draco simply walked by her and replied “The same as all the rest, Abigal, same as the rest”. Abigal could sense the sadness in her son’s voice, but before she could say anything about it, the two dragons were soon greeted by an old friend of theirs. It was Draco’s godfather, Clancy. “Salutations, to my closest of friends and my favorite godson” “You have another Godson, Clancy?” “(Chuckles) always the sharpest of forked tongue, eh, Draco me lad?” “Whatever, I’m going to bed” “But Draco, you haven’t even eaten dinner yet” “I’m not hungry, Abigal” and with that, Draco shuffled off to his part of the cave and was soon out of his mother and godfather’s sight. This gave Abigal time to chat with her old friend “(Sigh) oh Clancy, I don’t know what to do, Draco’s been like this for so many years: I can’t even remember the last time he smiled” “Oh, don’t worry your pretty little head off, Abby, I’m sure this is all just a phase, every dragon his age goes through it and it’s always different in some way or other. Take my brother and sister for example: my sister Gucly is ungrateful in every possible way and my brother Quglux is a troublemaker in every sense of the word. As for me, I guess my phase was being too curious and inquisitive, I never knew when to keep my nose out of things.


But all that blew over eventually, now Gucly is courteous to everyone, Quglux is the most “by-the-book” dragon you’ll ever meet and I’m world-class explorer” “First of all, Clancy; a couple of trips away from the island hardly makes you an explorer…” “Perhaps, but the nature of the people and creatures I’ve met does” “…and second of all; I doubt that this is a phase at all. I’ve seen how Draco spends his days, just lying on the grass and starring up at nothing, I’m telling you, it worries. I’ve tried to handle this the best I can, but it’s not easy: if I get too involved, I’m being to motherly, but if keep my distance too much and too long, who knows what could happen?” “Ah, I see, stuck between a rock and a hard place, eh?” “No question” “Well, is there any other variable to the problem, any other reason why Draco is upset?” “Well, there’s also that delinquent, Gristun and his hoodlum dragon friends, I’ve seen them tease Draco many times, but like I said, if I interfere then I’m being too motherly, and I know the last thing Draco would want is for his mother to fight his battles for him” “Ugh, Gristun, he’s such a juvenile nuisance, him and those friends of his, and it’s not just Draco either, they tease everyone, I’ve seen it. (Exasperated sigh) I guess it’s no mystery how those three got their names”. Clancy was right about that, you see, because in the ancient language known only to the dragons, Gristun means “Blusterous Bully”, an appropriate name to be sure. As for the others, Farangu and Tybronea mean “Scandalous Tongue” and “Weasely Twig”, also rather befitting names. “I agree, but, lets face it, Clancy, we both know the real cause of all this, right?” “How could I forget? I was there after all” a moment of silence befell the cave after that and then, both dragons closed their eyes as they lowered their heads in moderate sadness, Abigal even shed a small tear in one eye and let it run down her sad, scaly face. Meanwhile, as Draco was nestling himself into his pile of straw, he suddenly found himself once again haunted by the same dogging questions; why can’t I fly? Why can’t I breathe fire? What’s wrong with me? Do I even belong on this island anymore? It ate at him and ate him, until he finally fell a sleep, but not for long, because when Clancy had gone home and Abigal was asleep herself, Draco suddenly found himself awake in the middle of the night, maybe it was because heard something, maybe it was because of something else, either way, he was awake.


No longer feeling sleepy, Draco decided to tiptoe outside and do a little stargazing instead. That was when he saw a constellation he was all too familiar with, Draco the dragon, his namesake. For so many years, Draco has looked up at this constellation and every time, he’s thought about the story behind it and his own name. Back when Abigal was young and being courted by Draco’s father, Juan, the two of found a romantic sight in the constellation Draco, they never failed to look at it whenever it was visible in the sky. And because it was such an important thing in their lives, they decided to use its name for another important thing in their lives, their newborn son. This is how Draco got his name and ever since that day, the constellation has been an important figure in his family. However, these days, the constellation has apparently lost its ability keep Draco happy and only seems to bring nothing but sorrow to his heart. Most likely because it’s a constant reminder of his late father, yet another heavy and depressing thought to weigh on Draco’s mind, and truthfully, that was one thought too many. Draco finally broke down from all this and decided what he felt was right. So, he took a flat slab of stone and with help of his razor sharp claws, he carved this message into it.

"Dear Abigal
I’m sorry, but I just don't belong here, I can’t stay here. I need to find my own way, I don’t know where I’m going, but what I know for sure is; this is goodbye
Love Draco"

Once finished, Draco tiptoed silently over to his sleeping mother and carefully placed the slab next to her claws, right before he quietly said “Good by, mother” with a soft voice and a heavy heart. Then, after rubbing his eyes, the young dragon walked out of the cave, climbed up the dirt path and ran off into the night

I'm just through the first paragraph and already the grammar is much better.

Since the day he was hatched, he was born quite strangely.

This is a little awkward to read.

In the second paragraph you keep switching from present tense to past tense. It's a little confusing because I'm not quite sure which time we're at.

more angrier

Should just be "angrier"

In the third paragraph, where the dialog occurs, each time the character that is speaking changes, it should be on a new line, like so:

“Salutations, to my closest of friends and my favorite godson”
“You have another Godson, Clancy?”
“(Chuckles) always the sharpest of forked tongue, eh, Draco me lad?”
“Whatever, I’m going to bed”
“But Draco, you haven’t even eaten dinner yet”
“I’m not hungry, Abigal”

It helps the dialog flow smoothly.

The story is pretty interesting so far. Draco at least feels fairly "alive" as a character. The others are a bit flat though.

I feel there is a lot of promise here, so I've added a few thoughts on the new version (I've not read the old one).

How large is this island? Rhode Island? Iceland? Australia?

Saying the island's point of existing is for dragons implies that someone made the island for the dragons, though in either case your meaning is ambiguous.

There are some spelling/grammar errors (First line, second paragraph: “Draco was a pleasant fellow…” and you frequently lapse from past to present tense.)

“Altogether” is one word.

“Gristun is considerably corpulent, to point where one can hardly tell he’s a dragon, and undeniably obnoxious, always finding something or someway to tease about someone else, no matter how personal or just plain silly it was, and Farangu was no different, in fact, a large number of Gristun’s insults and nicknames actually come from Farangu, particularly the ones thought up for Draco.”

This sentence is too long at 63 words (I’d split it after “just plain silly it was…”) and the tense problem is here too, though I think the names you use are good. They have a kind of Germanic, or perhaps Old Norse ring to them, whereas Draco (as I'm sure you're aware) comes from Latin. This serves to mark him out from his companions effectively I think, but it’s still a bit… naff. I’m sorry to use such an insulting word for your main character, and please remember, it’s only my opinion, which when all’s said and done counts for very little.

“Tybronea (sounds like a feminine name to me, and there’s nothing wrong with that, if it suits his character) is less clever, considerably and gets his kicks by doing things as juvenile as swiping someone’s food away when they’re not looking, not as cruel as the latter two, but still very, very annoying.”

This sentence – and especially the last phrase – is lumpy and awkward

“…even went as far as to get even younger dragons…”

I always try to avoid repeating words close together like this as it sounds awkward.

“…the more angrier he got…”

No doubt a simple typo, but any decent word processor would flag this up.

Comma usage is a bit haphazard

The Housing Canyon sounds like a very exciting idea, the sort of moment, perhaps, for some descriptive work:

“Streams of dark shapes on wide graceful wings were filling the sky, their armour catching the sun as they wheeled among the bustling cliffs…”

(Or something to that effect)

“…path. Everyday, this was…”

Everyday means commonplace. In this case it should be two words.

“It didn’t stop him from going home, of course, but now he was doing so with his head hung low and his tail dragging on the ground. Soon enough, he was spotted by two other dragons flying downwards and noticed them giving him a friendly wave. Not that it mattered to Draco, though, as he just kept on walking without waving back, much to the surprise of the two other dragons. Now, some would’ve considered such a brush off as rude, but these two were quick to notice the depression in Draco’s movements and instead, knew something troubling the young dragon. Still, it was no concern of theirs, so they just let the matter drop and kept on flying.”

I think this passage is one of the better ones. I can get more of a feel for Draco’s life, firstly through knowing the way he moves, and secondly from knowing how other dragons interact with him.

Dialogue requires a new line.

Would he call his own mother by her first name? If so, perhaps this is indicative of his unique psyche and upbringing. Is he treated like an adult domestically leading him to feel more out of place among his peers?

“Godfather” implies a Christian background which could lead to some very interesting situations indeed when applied to a community of dragons. (Maybe the relationship between organised religion and a society’s technological or political advancement could be subtly explored?”

Are the words in brackets like (Sigh) and (Chuckles) meant to be breaking the fourth wall somehow? Are they meant to be your personal interjections? If so, they may detract from the flow of the writing.

Don’t forget that if you are taking care to ensure names sound plausible (i.e. their phonetics are somehow historically inspired) then one might expect the same to apply to the dragons’ speech patterns (Use of the word “Whatever” springs to mind here). In other words they wouldn’t sound ‘modern’ when they speak. There is no reason why this needs to be the case, of course, (and I’m not for a moment suggesting the dialogue should all be translated into Old Norse or Shakespearean English) but if their technology, society, names etc are grounded in a certain time period, and their speech sounds modern (i.e. 20^th century), then the discrepancy should have have a reason.

Dialogue seriously needs formatting into new lines. I feel like a fortune-teller trying to read tea leaves here.

Following on from you explanation of the three bullies’ names, I wonder, are these just nicknames bestowed by historically informed youngsters or are their parents really that cruel?

Aha! I see Draco’s named after the constellation specifically. In that case, please forget what I said earlier about his name.


I have to say, I really love this little piece you’ve come up with. The formatting, spelling and grammar and ropey to say the least, but I think there’s a solid foundation for a belter of a story here. It’s worth noting that I think the situation of a young person losing faith in themselves and running away is perfectly sound, as long as you can bring some new twist. Setting it among dragons seems a decent excuse for a pretty backdrop, but you must make sure that the problems Draco faces are genuine, relatable problems. The way he solves and confronts them must be imaginative and a product of your own creation. The beauty of the plot, and the way we will relate to Draco, is in finding out about his peculiarities as he finds out about himself.

I look forward to seeing more!

Okay, Bucky24,how does this sound?

1. Since the day he was hatched from his egg, this dragon was quite different from all the rest, though that was never made clear in his appearance.

2. “Abby, Draco, it’s been too long, good friends” is what he said, as he entered the cave, arms held out wide “A couple of days to be exact, Clancy, but, it’s still nice to see you” Abigal replied as she moved in and shared a big hug with Clancy. Draco paid this visit no mind and hardly showed signs of even noticing Clancy, at least until he spoke to him directly “Draco, hey, how’s my favorite godson” “You have other Godsons, Clancy?” “(Chuckles) always the sharpest of forked tongues, eh, me lad?” “Whatever, Abigal, I think I’ll go to bed early today”

You still are putting dialog all in one paragraph.

“Abby, Draco, it’s been too long, good friends” is what he said, as he entered the cave, arms held out wide “A couple of days to be exact, Clancy, but, it’s still nice to see you” Abigal replied as she moved in and shared a big hug with Clancy. Draco paid this visit no mind and hardly showed signs of even noticing Clancy, at least until he spoke to him directly “Draco, hey, how’s my favorite godson” “You have other Godsons, Clancy?” “(Chuckles) always the sharpest of forked tongues, eh, me lad?” “Whatever, Abigal, I think I’ll go to bed early today”

Needs to become

“Abby, Draco, it’s been too long, good friends” he said as he entered the cave, arms held out wide
“A couple of days to be exact, Clancy, but, it’s still nice to see you” Abigal replied as she moved in and shared a big hug with Clancy. Draco paid this visit no mind and hardly showed signs of even noticing Clancy, at least until he spoke to him directly
“Draco, hey, how’s my favorite godson”
“You have other Godsons, Clancy?”
“(Chuckles) always the sharpest of forked tongues, eh, me lad?”
“Whatever, Abigal, I think I’ll go to bed early today”

Originally Posted by Higurro

I feel there is a lot of promise here, so I've added a few thoughts on the new version (I've not read the old one).

How large is this island? Rhode Island? Iceland? Australia?

Saying the island's point of existing is for dragons implies that someone made the island for the dragons, though in either case your meaning is ambiguous.

There are some spelling/grammar errors (First line, second paragraph: “Draco was a pleasant fellow…” and you frequently lapse from past to present tense.)

“Altogether” is one word.



This sentence is too long at 63 words (I’d split it after “just plain silly it was…”) and the tense problem is here too, though I think the names you use are good. They have a kind of Germanic, or perhaps Old Norse ring to them, whereas Draco (as I'm sure you're aware) comes from Latin. This serves to mark him out from his companions effectively I think, but it’s still a bit… naff. I’m sorry to use such an insulting word for your main character, and please remember, it’s only my opinion, which when all’s said and done counts for very little.



This sentence – and especially the last phrase – is lumpy and awkward



I always try to avoid repeating words close together like this as it sounds awkward.



No doubt a simple typo, but any decent word processor would flag this up.

Comma usage is a bit haphazard

The Housing Canyon sounds like a very exciting idea, the sort of moment, perhaps, for some descriptive work: (Or something to that effect)



Everyday means commonplace. In this case it should be two words.



I think this passage is one of the better ones. I can get more of a feel for Draco’s life, firstly through knowing the way he moves, and secondly from knowing how other dragons interact with him.

Dialogue requires a new line.

Would he call his own mother by her first name? If so, perhaps this is indicative of his unique psyche and upbringing. Is he treated like an adult domestically leading him to feel more out of place among his peers?

“Godfather” implies a Christian background which could lead to some very interesting situations indeed when applied to a community of dragons. (Maybe the relationship between organised religion and a society’s technological or political advancement could be subtly explored?”

Are the words in brackets like (Sigh) and (Chuckles) meant to be breaking the fourth wall somehow? Are they meant to be your personal interjections? If so, they may detract from the flow of the writing.

Don’t forget that if you are taking care to ensure names sound plausible (i.e. their phonetics are somehow historically inspired) then one might expect the same to apply to the dragons’ speech patterns (Use of the word “Whatever” springs to mind here). In other words they wouldn’t sound ‘modern’ when they speak. There is no reason why this needs to be the case, of course, (and I’m not for a moment suggesting the dialogue should all be translated into Old Norse or Shakespearean English) but if their technology, society, names etc are grounded in a certain time period, and their speech sounds modern (i.e. 20^th century), then the discrepancy should have have a reason.

Dialogue seriously needs formatting into new lines. I feel like a fortune-teller trying to read tea leaves here.

Following on from you explanation of the three bullies’ names, I wonder, are these just nicknames bestowed by historically informed youngsters or are their parents really that cruel?

Aha! I see Draco’s named after the constellation specifically. In that case, please forget what I said earlier about his name.


I have to say, I really love this little piece you’ve come up with. The formatting, spelling and grammar and ropey to say the least, but I think there’s a solid foundation for a belter of a story here. It’s worth noting that I think the situation of a young person losing faith in themselves and running away is perfectly sound, as long as you can bring some new twist. Setting it among dragons seems a decent excuse for a pretty backdrop, but you must make sure that the problems Draco faces are genuine, relatable problems. The way he solves and confronts them must be imaginative and a product of your own creation. The beauty of the plot, and the way we will relate to Draco, is in finding out about his peculiarities as he finds out about himself.

I look forward to seeing more!

1. I think i'll worry about the dialogue structure another time and focus on what the characters are saying

2. I was going to write that the Dragons don't use the words Mom and Dad

3. When i used the words Godfather and godson, i was saying that Clancy was a close personal friend chosen by Draco's parents to take an interest in his upbringing.

4. Gristun and the other three got their names to represent their personalities

5. I didn't really consider how large the island was, but I'm pretty sure i intended it to be large enough to support a large population

1. I think i'll worry about the dialogue structure another time and focus on what the characters are saying

2. I was going to write that the Dragons don't use the words Mom and Dad

3. When i used the words Godfather and godson, i was saying that Clancy was a close personal friend chosen by Draco's parents to take an interest in his upbringing.

4. Gristun and the other three got their names to represent their personalities

5. I didn't really consider how large the island was, but I'm pretty sure i intended it to be large enough to support a large population

Might I just say that fixing the dialogue format would take all of about three minutes and that, regardless of what you meant, words like Godfather have a certain connotation. It'd be like using the word "Pope" for a generic spiritual leader.

before i go any further with this, what guarantee do i have that someone won't just copy and paste my idea if i posted the whole thing?

Chapter Two (The Start of Something New)

It was still a while before dawn and Draco decided to use this time wisely. True, he was running away, but he had no idea how to do so. He couldn’t fly, so that was certainly out, and since they were on an island, it wasn’t like he could just walk away. The only logical means of escape would be by sea, and that, in and of itself, was an obstacle, as Draco was only a swimmer in the loosest sense of the word. All of this was a lot to think about and Draco felt it best to find the right place to think it over. Fortunately though, he knew just the right place to do this, and it was conveniently found just northeast of the Housing Canyon, the Fruitful Valley. True, one would assume that dragons would be carnivorous and since some actually do like to fish, one would be right on that subject. However, the Fruitful Valley is standing proof that the dragons are capable of going either way when it comes to their diet, as this valley is the island’s main source of food. The fruit grown here is sweet beyond measure and more delicious than any fruit grown anywhere else in the world. The dragons on this island have relied on this fruit for many generations and the valley itself has proven to be a true vision of nature’s glory and beauty. However, the valley is usually inactive at this late hour and that made it a perfect spot for Draco to stop and think. For two hours, he pondered, and even after much thought, he still had nothing. But after a brief survey of his surroundings, the young dragon came across a nearby fallen log, and that’s when a new idea leapt into his head. If he couldn’t swim, he’d sail. It took some doing, but after hauling the log closer and much clawing into the bark, Draco had turned this log into a makeshift canoe, sans only the oars. All that remained was for Draco to carry his newly made canoe and place it in the eastern shore. Fortunately, that was easy enough, thanks to his above average strength. But while he started to do this, he failed to notice another creature lurking about in shadows. It was one of the few non-dragons on the island, a hobgoblin and his name was Glunk.


True, this was the island of dragons, but every few centuries or so, creatures of other types manage to find their way to this island and decide to make it their home as well, not that the dragons care. However, this hobgoblin was different. At first he was just gathering food, but now he felt it was time to rush back to home. So, as quick as he could, the runty and portly hobgoblin ran northwest and kept moving until he reached a truly dismal place, Barranuvon. True to its name, Barranuvon is a desolate, desert-like landscape that occupies much of the island’s northwestern territory, though when dragons mention it, the main thing they think about is the volcanic mountain range that takes up most of the area, the Mountains of Vulcan. This is where Glunk was headed and he kept running and climbing until he made it to the center of it all, Mount Helios. A true wonder, this mountain was, no questions asked. Not a mountain, but not a volcano either. Somehow, it was a combination of the two, but how it’s avoided eruption for so long is a story for another day. Still, because of its height alone, it seemed appropriate to name the mountain after the Sun god, Helios, as its peak looked like it could touch the sun itself. But, what made Mount Helios stand out most of all was the exact thing Glunk himself was looking for. Right there, at the center of the mountain’s great peak, carved in like a scar, was a flame-shaped cave entrance, as yellow and orange as the real thing. When Glunk finally got to this cave, he took a moment to catch his breath, took an even deeper breath and then proceeded into the flame-shaped cave. As expected, the air was thick and the heat was intense, but whenever Glunk has to go down this tunnel, his attention is always directed more towards the strange pictures that cover the cavern walls. These act as reminders of a bygone race that once called this mountain home, a race that once preceded the dragons as the island’s inhabitants. But once again, that is a story for another day.


Soon enough, Glunk arrived at the mountain’s hollowed out center and when he did he couldn’t help but admire the molded structure of the hardened lava, as it almost resembled a palace. Yet another hint of someone else having lived here, but even that was irrelevant, because Glunk was looking for Mount Helios’ new owner, and soon, he found her, sitting there on a throne of hardened lava. This was Glunk’s mistress, the current occupant of Mount Helios and the only dragon to be found in Barranuvon, Volcanica. Now this is a dragon that has made quite a reputation on the Isle of Fire, mostly due to a dreadful venture she undertook many years prior. But when her plans failed to go as expected, she was condemned to face the consequences, exile! She has remained in Barranuvon ever since. Glunk proceeded to get closer, but had to take deep breaths with every step until he was standing right before the massive reptile. Then, after getting down on his knees and kneeling before her, Glunk looked up his mistress and, as always, felt a strong chill run up his spine. Whenever Glunk had to look at Volcanica, with her burning yellow eyes and long, sharp fangs, he knew he was staring at the face of evil itself. But soon enough, he came out of his frightened daze and took one final deep breath before finally speaking, if not with a slight stutter in his voice. "Oh Masterful Volcanica, I have news that you might find interesting" “Do you now?” the wicked dragon said, finally breaking her silence “Oh yes, mistress, I was out doing gathering food, as you instructed, and I actually came across a…” But before Glunk could finish that sentence, Volcanica wrapped her tail around his waist and hoisted him into the air. "Don't waste my time with your babble, sub-elf, show me!" Then, like a raging fire, Volcanica’s eyes began to glow, as did Glunk's eyes, and like magic, Glunk's thoughts became as clear as day. "So, a young dragon is attempting to leave the island, is he? But he’s trying to sail, instead of fly, eh? Hmm, an interesting development, but it’s hardly news worthy" that’s when Volcanica loosened her grip on Glunk and let him drop to the ground. “Oh, but still, oh masterful mistress, surely finding a way to use this to our advantage would be child’s play for a being with a mind as marvelous as yours”
“Hmm, perhaps this does require more thought. My thanks for the idea, dear hobgoblin” Glunk gave a smile at that point, but it was short-lived when Volcanica followed up with a smack from her tail. Afterwards, the she-dragon proceeded to look through a small hole in the wall and soon pulled out a green, oval emerald, it was the Emerald Eye of the Hydra. When held, it can show the user anything and anyone they wish to see, after the following spell is spoken, of course.
"Shining Emerald Hydra eye
Obey the words now said by I.
Show me now, Show me all.
Show me fast and obey my call"
A bright glow surrounded the emerald for a moment, but afterwards, it became like a small window in Volcanica’s hand and it showed her exactly what she wanted see, Draco. It was only a few hours till sunrise and the young dragon was already making good time. He was already out to sea and his paddling was getting him pretty far, courtesy of his long, strong tail. But when the ocean current started to help out, he decided to stop his paddling and take a well-deserved rest. That’s when Volcanica started to smile wickedly as she stroked her chin with a satisfied “hmm”. It didn’t take long for Glunk to see what was happening; his mistress had an idea. And whenever Volcanica gets an idea, it’s almost always something bad. “Um, is there something you’d like to say, mistress” is what he said and while Volcanica paid his question no mind, the sentence that followed was more than enough for Glunk “You know, if done right, this little brat could be just the pawn I’ve been waiting. Hmm, and since he seems to be trying to get away from everyone, I don’t see anything keeping me from intervening. Still, I’d better be sure of how well this’ll work; I’d better check the book again.” So, without a glance at Glunk, the she-dragon just walked over him and rushed over to another chamber of the cavern. Of course, Glunk wanted to follow her, but when he did, she just glanced back at him and gave him a snarl. Naturally, this discouraged the hobgoblin and left Volcanica to head into her chamber alone. For what, Glunk was not sure, but based on what he heard from his position, it was safe to say that Volcanica’s plan was a go.

I dunno why anyone would do that, but if you're really worried about it, post in Writer's workshop. Only members would see it then. As for what you've posted i really like it, didn't read the second part yet, it being all in bold hurts my eyes. As has been said the foundation is solid, and i like the character development. Everything else i was going to say has been said, so i'll just add that I'd like to see more.

There are some grammar problems here:
A dragon with blue spikes and scales as red as blood. Draco appears to be a simple dragon.

And those very abilities are what make a dragon a dragon, or so he has heard.

Also there is not enough character development.

You shouldnt start a sentence with "and." The first sentence and be combined and made shorter.