Thread: Untitled piece i'm working on.

Hello everyone. Just started writing and am working on a piece. Would apprieciate some constructive feedback. It may take a few reads as it is a bit unusual but it is enjoyable to write in such a style. Feel free to be as critical or as positive as you like!

Lightning.thundered.Cracking darkness and light. Drying quickly. The rain started. She stood. A light in the tomb. Of a life yet lived Stop? Lie on your.ceiling.and look at the back. Down. The end. (No!) Starting again. Look Straight back into the future. The. Word,weaved,forth back forward. There is nothing. But everything and everything, but nothing. Dancing (sham)odically. The sentence took f(ro)m. To while away a(n)d away. And far. A distorted face, a tapestry, a birth, but no death. Yes. a Death. But. No death. When he got. To where he now stood. The word scattered. Away. To only now be found. Hhheld aloft. He stared. Aswell. As the right honourable. From over, the top, of the hills. Alive. The word passed. Bringing. Interior,reconciliation,t.o! heinous. Crimes of language! Stopped! Cast into (un)original sin. Crucified. Joan stopped.noah on root.to the arc. On seventy second seas sailing. Past donkey et dog. Through lands that know le.tters. and words (un)complete. By gent(i)le jew and threw. A hoaxing. Shame to coax you, out of your . Shameless second sleep. Tis time to. Rise and shine. To .t.h.e. end of haze. To see the son, cloud, over your, deviant deities.past to end and round again.. to never stop. And never flow. No end but no begging!?! To put an sto.p to the.end.of.the.days. and breakdown all our says. Fin.again. and commerce in tyme. Tis a shameful shame indeed! The polygamous.pariah. Looking over his.birth.tight. Silently scolding. For the love of (C)od. Towash away, your, sins in endless. Waves. Chased by white. Whore(ses). Enoght to make, the pope, blus. Eh!.Pat. He talked past his exe. With ground to the eyes. time warming (w)ficiently.slaying satans salty serpent. Driven to eireland.to return?Never.
The queen of (mice.) awoke. With win(ey)e whispers and. Venomous. Vulgation(S) Downcast. She sat sadly.son. Mun. Stars. Hades,hazy,haze hindered. Too much.Enough never. Begginnings.end. S,a,m.e. O.l.d. Faze. A bitterness of opinion. Of many feasted. Prostrated at the foot of the alter. His sun. Pride and boy.crying over split whiskey like a childe! The River pulsed. and roared. Flowing north.southernly. Past. Hills and shores, taking turns and twist.s. Past cities towns villages, countries. Continents. Stopping short of the western south town where he dwells. Two and twenty years since. Death and re. Discovery. Mother look Up at her child. Eyes closed and shut. His name a passing blur. St. Ev.ery. Von Etc Nom. To dwell. Now (No.then?). My Uncom.parabllle. Might.

It's really hard to read. Maybe that's by design?

Can I ask; Why are you using this unusual way of writing? Can you explain your sentence structuring to me, as I can not understand this peice at all. Maybe its me

I tried and tried again and read it several times as you suggested, but honestly I don't get it and that makes it impossible for me to provide any kind of response. It does puzzle me and I do want to get it, so I guess that is a good thing. It strikes me as somewhat poetic rather than fictional, but even then I don't get it.

I understand you're taking a personal creative approach to your writing and that is fantastic. Express yourself however you feel you want. The only problem with it is that your audience will not be very big. That might be fine with you and it might just be about the art which is wonderful, but I think you will lose a lot of readers because of that style. Hell, you could be a trend setter. E.E. Cummings is difficult to read but he made quite a splash in the world of poetry.

I like the style, if it is a style, but it's what you've actually written that's the problem. I'm liking the sort of sporadic voice this is being told in, but what you've written isn't very coherent. It doesn't have to be coherent, this is your story, no-one can tell you how to write, but you write in such a way that is more confusing than entertaining.

Maybe you think of this as a puzzle to be cracked, like something written in binary code, and I can see it working with very short pieces such as this one here, but maybe try and help the reader just a little bit. Keep this style, I'm sure you can do something a lot better with it.

What are your motives? Are you planning to write a novel this way or was this just a test? It looks like you were making it up on the spot as you started typing, which is probably a good excercise, but I cannot see myself reading stuff like this at length without getting bored.

It's quite cool, it's fun and I did like it, but I wouldn't write this way too often. It's your choice.

So yeah, don't ditch this way of writing, if you keep at it I don't doubt you could end up with something really special, but put a bit more thought into it next time is what I mean, because there were lots of errors, as I'm sure you are aware. Take out a few unnecessary blockades and barriers, like some of the bracketed letters and such. They look nice, but they make it unpleasant to read. If you make the reader keep stopping and starting, I'm pretty sure they'd stop reading soon after. There were many full stops that could have been commas too, and would have made it much less "machine gunny", if that makes sense to you?

Good luck, I liked it but you need to really work hard for this to amount into anything people take seriously. That isn't me being mean, but most people would skip this simply for the way it's structured.

Hope this helps

As we there are where are we are we there UNDE ET UBI. 1
from tomtittot to teetootomtotalitarian. Tea
2
tea too oo.
3 With his broad Whom will comes over. Who to caps ever. SIC. 4 and hairy face, And howelse do we hook our hike to find that
5 to Ireland a pint of porter place? Am shot, says the big-
6 disgrace. guard.1
7
Whence. Quick lunch by our left, wheel, IMAGINABLE 8 Menly about to where. Long Livius Lane, mid Mezzofanti ITINERARY 9 peebles. Mall, diagonising Lavatery Square, up Tycho THROUGH 10
Brache Crescent,2 shouldering Berkeley Alley, THE..... (etc)

A friend of mine had a baby daughter, less than a year old. She could already walk and would go to the screen door and shout out in a voice so loud I was amazed.

She said, "BADOYAGUGGA!!"

She hollered it out to the world about twenty times a day.

As time went on she learned to speak the words that we all use in daily discourse, but to me, the most beautiful thing she ever said was "BADOYAGUGGA."

Just keep doin' what you're doin.'

It's beautiful.

It's difficult to read, but you have something I believe. Some of the other say; is it a style or not, and that was a good comment I believe. It reads a bit uncoherrent, rambling, but therein lies also the beauty. Maybe a whole book of this will be to much ... Somewhere however I kind of loose contact with it all. Remember that all good prose, I believe, should be organic, have some kind of flow ... An energy that keep us reading. You have it, then loose it. Believe you loose it around:

Serious question: Do you write like this because you don't think you're any good at writing "normally"? You say you just started writing, which makes me suspect you're looking for shortcuts to get past that awkward period where you don't know jack about strong sentence structure and you're struggling to find your voice, cuz that is exactly how it was for me. I started flipping through The Soft Machine by Burroughs one day and I was like, "Neat! So incoherent gibberish is a perfectly suitable substitute for making a lick of sense? Boy is that gonna save me a lot of time!" Because, yeah, shortcuts are seductive; while reading Strunk & White for thirty seconds a day is slightly difficult, banging your keyboard with your face until you're sure nobody will be able to tell that you're new to writing is... well actually, that sounds way harder than reading Strunk & White.

Originally Posted by stonefly

A friend of mine had a baby daughter, less than a year old. She could already walk and would go to the screen door and shout out in a voice so loud I was amazed.

She said, "BADOYAGUGGA!!"

She hollered it out to the world about twenty times a day.

As time went on she learned to speak the words that we all use in daily discourse, but to me, the most beautiful thing she ever said was "BADOYAGUGGA."

Just keep doin' what you're doin.'

It's beautiful.

Yeah totally. I was looking at Smudge trying to find his car keys this morning in the dark with a bad hangover and he was saying stuff like that. It wasn't what I would call "beautiful" but it was hella entertaining.

Thank you very much for reading my piece and giving feedback. Its good to hear what people think! I understand that it is may seem like its full of mistakes but every thing is in there for a reason.
I decided to write in this 'style' as i'm trying to do something different. I'm trying to do something that challenges and maybe even 'offends' the norms that are expected. I see the english language as something that is there to be played round with. I'll be honest, your comments excited me greatly. I understand that not everyone will get what i'm trying to do and thats fine! Your criticism is very constructive and I thank you for that.
I dont know if i'm trying to write a novel, short story or poetry. I just write whats in my head. And believe it or not, ive never written under the influence of drugs or alcohol!!
That you agin for all your comments!

i've got no clue about what this is about. i've read it and i just can't decipher. i don't even know if this is writing. ? i see no characters, no plots, no setting, just something that is incoherent. i don't get what you're trying to do. i never suspect people of drug use when they write something that is creative or different. i might read it again if it makes sense. i don't know how helpful i can be when i can't figure what language you speak. i really hope this is not part of some psychology experiment because you'll get lots of data.

Matters not if this is an experiment, auto writing or just random words.
If readers can't understand what you are trying to convey, what is the point?

You could say the same thing about a piece of art. "What's the point of painting that if people can't understand what you're trying to convey?", it doesn't matter, in my opinion. It's artistic expression, do what you like. . .if some people like it, that's good. If some do not, well, that's good too.

Like when Damien Hirst revealed the skull with diamonds on it, I thought "What's the point of that? Waste of money, doesn't even mean anything." That's my own opinion, but I know to some people it does mean something. The artist might just be doing it for a laugh, who knows. Same thing here, it might not be clear what this "story" is about or what it's "for", but for some people those things will be clear as day.

Totally subjective in the end, but that's what I think .