Thread: The Dream World [CHAPTER ONE]

Well, that was very thorough. Thanks a lot for the detailed criticisms. I'll try to address the points that I thought I had covered.

- I can see all of the cliches, grammar mistakes, wording errors, etc. in the piece so I won't focus on those.
- The man asking about the capital. This is supposed to be normal dialogue between two people; naturally, most people would say "it" as referring to the capital instead of saying "the capital" again. Most people wouldn't constantly worry about correct grammar in normal conversation, especially when confronted by the elements.
- Nice point about the bacterium. I actually created a fictional disease, but a severe strain of one already existing could add a bit of reality to it, which is always nice.
- Protagonist's character. The doctor's character is gradually revealed through flashbacks in the story. His personality is also shown through his future actions and by how he acts around people. Though, perhaps I should make it a bit more clear.
- The people not dying by lack of prosthetics. I don't know that much about medical issues; I'm only in high school. Then again, that's what Wikipedia is for. I'll try to be more accurate.
- Asterisks signify either a time break or a change in situation, like a flashback.

Overall, thanks a ton for the great criticisms. Glad you enjoy it so far!

Chapter 2: Hangar 14 by: ramen 6378
January 18, 2040

Hello Ramen,

I still like your story and have a few overall comments on chapter 2:

As a reader, I don’t have enough background on what occurred, who the main character is, how folks are chosen for pods, where this is taking place( other than near a capital). I need more information to keep the story interesting and moving in a less disjointed pace.


Please review comma usage. Here is a link from this forum:
http://www.writingforums.com/writing-101/58334-punctuation-guide.html

For Dialogue help you can also refer to this forum link:
http://www.writingforums.com/writing-101/59763-dialogue.html

Possible source for dialoge help and other writing help you may want to consider reading is :
Evan Marshall 52 ways to improve novel. (this one is a free download, sorry no link).
I am currently searching for a decent book to help my fiction/novel writing and stumbled across this PDF document.



This is the second chapter and Main Character has no name yet. Seems odd.

“They,” the people who are taking the chosen ones to pods, are still not described and need to be.

What is the purpose of the first italicized paragraph? Is it necessary? I would omit.

The second paragraph is a flashback (based on what occurred in chapter 1. Suggest instead of using *** to signify a change in time use a summary mode of writing, possibly a narrative, to describe what is occuring from the main characters (MC) point of view. Describe how he feels, why he is there, etc. This is a good time to provide important information about your MC and supply the reader with some background data. Perhaps introduce the folks who are creating these pods. How do you get selected? There are lots of surgeons in the world. Why is your MC so special?

7th Paragraph:
"It's where everyone in this room that they called for will be transported onto aircraft and taken to a safe location. Safe enough to get away from the plague."
This paragraph needs repair, expansion, more description. First sentence has missing words.


“Still confused over the entire aircraft ordeal,”
Ordeal is wrong word. Suggest: affair

“When my leg stopped throbbing…”
His leg was amputated. His stump will trob.

This may be a nit-picky question. MC just had major surgery then is immediately transported to a pod for who knows how long. What about infection which are a common post-op occurrence? Possibly deadly if left untreated.

- Protagonist's name is Matthew Evert; I think it's stated a few times in the previous chapters.
- First paragraph shows him fading in and out of consciousness as he's transported to the hangar.

So, I guess my main problem is not putting in enough detail and background information, correct?

you've got me reeled in like a bass. just a couple of things others did not mention from both parts

the soldier does not seem to strain under the one legged doctor's weight.

the other doctor seems to be talking rather quickly and the second to last paragraph in your first part is rather awkward.

what are some more symptoms of the disease?

do the sick people look like they've got leprosy, or even the black plague, what does it look like?

what are the soldier's and meditechs wearing?

Details, details, details. I really have to work on that. Thanks for all the great comments, everyone!

Originally Posted by Ramen 6378

- Protagonist's name is Matthew Evert; I think it's stated a few times in the previous chapters.
- First paragraph shows him fading in and out of consciousness as he's transported to the hangar.

So, I guess my main problem is not putting in enough detail and background information, correct?

Matthew is mentioned in Chapter One; once. Chapter Two: once. OK, I missed that.

You kept your main character's identity (his name) quiet until 1/2 through the first chapter. Kind of mysterious that way. Bet that's why I didn't notice it.
He is the only person or group specificially identified so far. Everything else is too vague:

"Behind me was a long line of survivors of the plague, ..."
"When are we going to get to the capital?" another man nearby croaked out..."
"You see, the government has prepared a plan for the future..."
"Only the best and most accomplished can go into there, and you definitely qualify for one of the best..."
"Wait, so how long are we supposed to stay in these pods?"
"Well, to answer your question, you're in Hangar 14."
"Wait, weren't we supposed to be taken to cryogenic pods and stay underground..."

I'm not sure if you have enough detail or background. What I understand as the story line, or plot idea, so far is quoted in the 7 sentences above.

You still have a wonderful story here, but it is presented in a disjointed manner, as I have said before. Perhaps that is what I'm having trouble with. You are trying to use flashbacks, which is a good writing technique when done properly. When reading, these time changes are not helping add enough information to the story.

When Matthew was identified this may have been a good time to introduce more details about him, perhaps in a flashback, possibly using dialague between Matthew and the Nurse, with the nurse asking questions about him.

When Matthew was having a conversation with the soldiers, that may be a good time to expand on which government branch was involved and why. When the doctor was selecting Matthew for those secret pods, this would be good time to describe some of the secret evacuation plan, or discuss the plague more, or the process of selection.

These descriptions, while they take place when a dialogue occurs, do not need to be expanded entirely in dialogue. Matthew, the nurse, or a soldier can be thinking and a narrative used describing what occured. A newspaper article could be found. Anything.

I think it's things like these that I am missing. This history or information would add more excitement to the story because I would know sooner than later what was going on and could help the flow be less disjointed.

I love this opening... I love chapters that I can make sense of, enjoy, and want to read more. This has all three.

I'm not going to criticize at all because 1) I don't feel like doing a 30-minute review of this, even though it's good and 2) I'm not that skilled in writing. I'm afraid I'm going to say the wrong thing at the wrong time.

However, two things I could say is that everything is... simple, and short, like a summary? I don't know. It just feels that way. And the second thing is that everything seems unexplained, mysterious. Maybe you purpousely made it that way, I don't know.

Good luck anyways!

Originally Posted by joonho1

I love this opening... I love chapters that I can make sense of, enjoy, and want to read more. This has all three.

I'm not going to criticize at all because 1) I don't feel like doing a 30-minute review of this, even though it's good and 2) I'm not that skilled in writing. I'm afraid I'm going to say the wrong thing at the wrong time.

However, two things I could say is that everything is... simple, and short, like a summary? I don't know. It just feels that way. And the second thing is that everything seems unexplained, mysterious. Maybe you purpousely made it that way, I don't know.

Good luck anyways!

Thanks for the compliments! And yeah, I unintentionally made it short, I guess it seemed like a lot when I wrote it. Next few chapters are a bit longer. But I did purposely make it "unexplained, mysterious."