Thread: Life Without David

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Content in this story may be unsettling and graphic to some readers; Read at your own risk.

Life Without David

A Prologue To A Story Unwritten

The sun was pinned high and blue skies danced around it, both had forgotten the clouds. The wind was at a standstill as the evergreens took in the rays. A boy sat in one, admiring the calm lake ahead of him. It was all calm, almost like a snapshot, as if in a dream. His feet had grown since he had been there last; he had finally grown into himself.

It was hard to take the scenery in, for it may as well be his last, yet everything here almost made him forget his worries, his duties, his problems, even his desires. Forget him. At the same time, this place reminded him of the past, good memories. Not so long forgotten, but are here to be remembered.

It could never be like it used to be. His views on this world have changed. He no longer saw this place as ordinary, but as extraordinary and the thought of taking this for granted was bliss, for he knows he can’t let the thought of losing this pass. It manages to push itself to the front. Because of this, the boy wants to forget this past year.

Change was what the world is all about. Soon the sun would fall and when it would come back up there may be raging winds and a thunderstorm. These trees could be torn apart and the sky could turn grey.

Then the thought of being a coward challenges his prior thoughts, pinching his nerves. Even a fool would be afraid of losing something that is great.

The boy got up and stood high. One arm around the tree and cut the insides of his arms when he slide up. The other in the could breeze. He screamed, pushing his voice onto the calm lake, striking it dead on the dense forest beyond. A scream of anger, maybe even guilt.

A story must be told today, told to those wanting to forget the extraordinary.

Told to those wanting only the ordinary.

---

Chapter One : One Hundred Times

September 2008:
It starts to swell within him, pushing the good out of him, casting hushed whispers upon his ears. At first they were lies, now they are truths, each twisted and bent backwards, almost breaking. It still burns the boy’s tender skin all the same. He scratches his arms in desperation to forget all of the accusations, but can’t ignore the voice. It is saying truths... Or lies. Things that can’t be true, but so real they leave him raw and numb.

The boy’s nails now have a trace of blood under them. They have found their way deep, far enough a simple wash, or a sweatshirt won’t do. He thinks he has taken it too far. This bit of reason, trampled by the subtle words in his ears, blasting lies, pushing him further. The destination is unknown, but the feeling is real.

It was a knock at the door that wakes him from his slumber. The kitchen is a mess. A pot on the stove boiled over long ago. Empty boxes litter the counters. Random dishes fill the sink. And the candle on the table is burnt out from several days prior.

This is all the boy can make out with his bloodshot eyes. Short locks of brown hair fall as a mess on his eyes. His eyelashes have dried as a single mass from the tears that once soaked them and his lips have stuck together, the salty taste still untouched by his tongue. His chin had pressed itself against the granite counter top.

The boy decides it’s better to answer the door than for Liam to let himself in. He then drags himself to the door, grabbing the handle and pulling it open. At first all he saw was the daylight that had escaped his eyesight for a week. It blinded him for a moment. Then slowly he started to see his best friend’s face - the blue eyes, the messy-but-organized blond hair, and the broad chin.

Liam quickly went in for the hug, patting his best friend on the shoulder. It was a shock to him actually. It was not that he wasn’t expecting a hug from his best friend, it was that he didn’t think he deserved it. It felt wrong, it made him sick. Any sort of relationship felt wrong. Even this made him sick to his stomach.

“It about time, David!” Liam said, still hugging him. Finally, David separated from his friend, almost relieved by his friend’s departure, but as soon as it came, Liam put his hand on David’s shoulders and looked into his eyes. “Have you forgotten how to use a phone?”

David cleared his throat before he spoke. “Sorry, about that man. I have been busy.”

Liam leaned to the right to look over David’s shoulder, then back at David. “Yeah, I can tell.” He gave his friend a smirk, then put his arms down. “You want to go out, catch a movie?”

David shook his head. “No, Liam, I don’t really feel in the mood.”

Slowly, Liam spoke, “It’s been a week. Chelsey isn’t coming back.” As soon as Liam spoke the words, he regretted them. “Now, if you don’t want to go to the movies, that’s fine, but at least you could make it to school, once in a while.”

“Yeah, sure, if you want,” David replied. “Now can you go? I want to be alone a little longer.”

And as much as Liam didn’t want to, he nodded his head. “I will see you tomorrow.” He slowly made his way to his car, David’s eyes watching him the whole way through. Liam put the car in gear, and backed out of the driveway, moved up a gear and drove down the road, out of sight.

David then made his way back into the house. His heart had now fallen further than it had before. He was a bad person. He just let his girlfriend down, now his friend. The sickness started to burst from beneath the surface. The whispers were now screams of pain - his pain. And they wouldn’t stop reminding him of his mistakes.

It started pushing him again. This time he knew where he was going. He made his way into the bathroom. The mirror cabinet was the only thing in his way now. In the way of the silence in the ocean of lies, all screaming at him. Telling him the truths about him. How sick of a person he was. It was the voice, he finally heard it clearly now.

He opened the mirror doors. His shaking hands clasped the orange bottles. His thin fingers popped open the cap. It wasn’t a matter of picking them out anymore. He put the bottle to his lips and opened his mouth. The pills went down, leaving the salty taste of his tears in his mouth. David slowly made his way to the outside porch. His weak body found comfort on a wooden bench. His eyes slowly closed, anticipating the silence to come.

---

Chapter 2: On and On

October 2008:
When things like this happen, people tell you to persevere, to dust yourself off and move on, the people that haven’t been through a thing like this. It isn’t a matter of forgetting it, or moving past it. It is it itself. The question that baffles you. It veers you to the edge of insanity and back. It’s not the how, or the where, or even the what. It is the why.

The raindrops collected on the dashboard of Liam’s car. The radio was off; the only sound was of the drops hitting the roof of the car, each separate, but deafening to the man. His hard hands rested themselves on the wheel, and his forehead plated against his hands. His tears found a trail down Liam’s face and onto his lap.

He heaved for a moment, but then took control of his breathing once again. He then looked up through the window. A cemetery lay ahead. He saw a group of people gathered in front of a grave and he knew he would be one of them. One of the lost minds. One of the mourners. One of the trio that had died. One of the friends of the girl that died in a car wreck. One of the friends of the boy who committed suicide.

The rain pelted him as he stepped out of the car. He felt each drop, but did nothing to cover his skin. He had been numbed by the grief. Everyone here was stricken by grief, he the most. The boy who lost two of his friends this year.

"I have lost my two best friends," he told himself. People try to help, but Liam just pushes them further away. He doesn’t want to have another friend that he could lose. He doesn’t need one.

Liam proceeded past the gate, looking at the headstones. Almost next to each one there was a bouquet of flowers. Some have died and withered, and at some places you couldn't even tell there were flowers there were it not for the vase. Some had been freshly placed. Liam didn’t bring flowers, he only brought the troubled thoughts. Thoughts of his friends, both dead. Thoughts of himself, not knowing where to go.

He got to the end of the third row of graves when he joined a group around a particular headstone. One of his best friends: David. He looked at the headstone. It read, “David Scott Young”. Below that was a date, 1990-2008. He remembered another headstone he had seen early that year. A different name, but the date was the same. That fact left him numb that afternoon.

His school year was reaching Thanksgiving break and come that time he still didn’t have anything to be thankful for. How could he? No one should make him give thanks. Not right now.

Liam looked at the casket. It was closed, but Liam felt his friend in there (or the absence of). He didn’t tear up, or break down, because a thought started to linger inside him. He now knew why. It was all clear. He did it for Chelsey. Liam didn’t need a confirmation. His best friend wanted to be with Chelsey. One simple mistake and he lost a best friend. Now, because of the same accident he lost another.

Before he could think about it further, he felt a hand on his back. Liam turned to see Mrs. Young, David’s mother. She was a thin, frail woman, with rosy cheeks. She wore a black dress and heels.

A “Hello, Mrs. Young,” was all Liam could conjure up.

Mrs. Young spoke. “David was a good boy. I raised him fine without a father, but I just can’t seem to piece together all that has happened these past months.” Liam nodded, but when he was about to speak Mrs. Young wrapped her thin arms around him. Liam managed to bring his arms around her. “You have been hit by the worst, but I know you will make it through, Liam. That’s just who you are.”

She released his grasp and walked away to speak with the other relatives and friends, leaving Liam alone. He wasn’t about to think about the why anymore. He was going to think about David. He was going to think about the times he had with his best friend. The places they went. The things they did. Liam was going to think about who David was.

He revisited David. He wouldn’t really be thinking about Liam, he would be talking about Chelsey. It made Liam smile. He was head over heels for her. She was head over heels for him. If they weren’t things might have come out differently. He might have them both now.

And in this whole mess, Liam started to cry, for all the right reasons.

Chapter Three and Four: http://www.writingforums.com/fiction...out-david.html

Wow, this is pretty good for the beginning.
I can feel the pain and anguish in the MC.
The prologue is very poetic too, I like that.
I enjoyed this piece, thank you for the read.

the very begening gets you hooked. wandering what it was that happend. It's well writen. I like it a lot

Thanks to the both of you.

And IMC, you welcome. I am glad you enjoyed... I am glad both of you enjoyed it. I will post chapter two. I just finished it.

It's up in the first post, if your looking for it.

The sun was pinned high and blue skies danced around it, both had forgot the clouds. The wind was at a standstill, as the evergreens took in the rays. A boy sat in one, admiring the calm lake. It was allcalm, almost like a snapshot, as if a dream. His feet had grown since he had been there last; he had finally grown into himself.

had forgot - had forgotten

omit "as" or the comma before it - 'as' implies motions happening at the same time, the comma seperates into two individual motions.

admiring the lake - needs a preposition. Where is the lake in relation to the boy in the tree?

as if - should be "like a dream" or "as if in a dream"

he had finally grown into himself - awkward. Not sure what you mean here. Has he grown into a man, while still being a boy?

It was hard to take it in, for it may as well be his last, yet everything here almost made him forget. Forget his worries, his duties, his problems, even his desires. Forget him. At the same time, this place reminded him of the past, good memories, not so long forgotten.

it - take what in? The fact that he had grown into himself?

"forget. Forget his worries" - combine the sentences

him - who? himself? or a person we haven't been introduced to? if the latter, italics could work to seperate the two meanings.

"not so long forgotten" - i think you mean to create a time displacement here. memories forgotten are, well...forgotten. How can he remember what he has forgotten? Just confusing to me...though, you might not consider changing it. It only slowed me down a little.

It could never be like it used to. His views on this world have changed. He no longer sees this place as ordinary, but extraordinary. The thought of taking this for granted was bliss, for he knows he can’t let the thought of losing this pass. It manages to push itself to the front. For this, the boy wants to forget.

it used to - it used to be

sees this place - (tense)

but extraordinary - but (as) extraordinary.

this - taking what for granted? this place? - could do to combine it with the sentence before it, so the relationship is not lost.

"let the thought of losing this pass" - again, confused about what "this" means.

"for this" - because of this

the boy wants to forget - the boy wants to forget what? the past? the memories? the place?

Change is what the world is all about. Soon the sun will fall and when it comes back up there could be raging winds and a thunderstorm. These trees could be torn apart and the sky could turn grey. Then the thought of being a coward challenges his prior thoughts, pinching his nerves. He came to the conclusion that even a fool would be afraid of losing something that is great.

most of these problems here are tense problems - is/was, will/would, could/might/may be, challenges/challenged


then the thought - paragraph break


"he came to the conclusion..." not necessary to conclude anything. Simply: "even a fool..." would work.

The boy got up and stood high, one arm around the tree, the other in the air. His mouth opened and a scream went out onto the lake, onto the calm waters, only breaking against the forest beyond. A scream of anger, maybe even the guilt. This is a story he would rather forget. Call it even, but the pain that keeps him up at night, won’t.

"the boy got up.., the other in the air" - would like more description on how his hand is held in the air, how the tree sap sticks to his fingers - needs more sense description.


"his mouth opened and a scream went out" - passive. He screamed, his voice skimming the calm waters of the lake, breaking against the forest in the distance. See the difference?


"the guilt" - implies a specific guilt that readers could reference to. Omitting the "the" shows us that the boy feels guilty.


These final two lines are not necessary. We already know he would like to forget the past. And I'm not sure what you mean by the next line.



It's a good, short prologue, regardless of the many grammar mistakes. A boy is in a tree, amongst the nature he loves, trying to forget the past.


I'll review the rest of this when I come back tonight from dinner.

You nailed the mood. But I noticed a lot of mistakes with the tenses. I think I see what you were trying to accomplish with that, but it just didn't work out too well. It definitely has potential.

@Mike - Thank-you so much! It was incredibly helpful and I just went and edited out the mistakes. I hope you do finish the rest, I like the prologue so much better.

@InSickHealth - My English teacher made the exact comment on some of my projects, last year. This is basically my side thing(that I devote 150% of my time to). I do plan on fixing all that stuff when it's completed, so I have a full thing to fix.

Plan on reading more chapters, they will come!

It starts to swell within him, pushing the good out of him, casting hushed whispers upon his ears. At first they were lies, now they are truths, each twisted and bent backwards, almost breaking. It still burns the boy’s tender skin all the same. He scratches his arms in desperation to forget all of the accusations, but can’t ignore the voice. It is saying truths... Or lies. Things that can’t be true, but so real they leave him raw and numb.

First, is the boy still in the tree? Prologues don't necessarily tie into the first chapter, so you need to establish an environment. I'd like to see one earlier than the third paragraph. All this swelling of lies and truths...it's confusing. You might want to start the story at the knock at the door.
You also need to introduce the boy again. "It starts to swell within him." - what does "it" represent? It is definitive, something we the readers should know. "Something" would work better here.
Casting - this verb feels off. Consider replacing it with ocean/wave words. I can't imagine what any noise sounds like when it's cast upon my ears.
"but can't ignore" - needs pronoun; but he can't ignore.

The boy’s nails now have a trace of blood under them. They have found their way deep, far enough a simple wash, or a sweatshirt won’t do. He thinks he has taken it too far. This bit of reason, trampled by the subtle words in his ears, blasting lies, pushing him further. The destination is unknown, but the feeling is real.

It was a knock at the door that wakes him from his slumber. The kitchen is a mess. A pot on the stove boiled over long ago. Empty boxes litter the counters. Random dishes fill the sink. And the candle on the table is burnt out from several days prior.

have found - found (remember, you are writing in present tense)
"far enough...won't do" - these are fragmented, they don't make sense to me. Stilted.
He thinks - omit
was - is (or take out "it is" for more direct action)
long ago - omit
and - omit
from several days prior - omit (time is irrelevant to us, the readers. We don't need to know when exactly the pot boiled over or the candle burn out - we only see the effect. If you change to writing in the past tense, you might consider leaving some of these time phrases in here, as long as the information is relavent.

This is all the boy can make out with his bloodshot eyes. Short locks of brown hair fall as a mess on his eyes. His eyelashes have dried as a single mass from the tears that once soaked them and his lips have stuck together, the salty taste still untouched by his tongue. His chin had pressed itself against the granite counter top.

The boy decides it’s better to answer the door than for Liam to let himself in. He then drags himself to the door, grabbing the handle and pulling it open. At first all he saw was the daylight that had escaped his eyesight for a week. It blinded him for a moment. Then slowly he started to see his best friend’s face - the blue eyes, the messy-but-organized blond hair, and the broad chin.

once - omit
them and - them, and
have stuck/had pressed/saw/was - tense problems
eyesight - sight (eyesight is a more specific, scientific noun)
that - which
blinded - blinds (and this is where you switch to past tense for a while)
then slowly - then, slowly, (see how the commas slow it down?)

Liam quickly went in for the hug, patting his best friend on the shoulder. It was a shock to him actually. It was not that he wasn’t expecting a hug from his best friend, it was that he didn’t think he deserved it. It felt wrong, it made him sick. Any sort of relationship felt wrong. Even this made him sick to his stomach.

the - a (you might want to review when to use an indirect or direct object pronoun)
"it was a shock to him" - who?
"It was not...deserved it" - awkward sentence. Why should he not "deserve" a hug? Is there bad blood between them? Are you alluding to a previous conflict?
"even this...stomach." - redundant to "it made him sick" earlier in the paragraph

“It about time, David!” Liam said, still hugging him. Finally, David separated from his friend, almost relieved by his friend’s departure, but as soon as it came, Liam put his hand on David’s shoulders and looked into his eyes. “Have you forgotten how to use a phone?”

departure - word choice - I thought Liam left.
but as soon as it came - omit
hand/shoulders - one hand can't be on two shoulders (singular/plural agreement)
looked into his eyes - not necessary to describe every action. It is a given that they can see one another.

David cleared his throat before he spoke. “Sorry, about that man. I have been busy.”

before he spoke - isn't necessary.
Sorry, about that man - written like this, David is apologizing for 'that man.' Switch your comma to: "Sorry about that, man."

Liam leaned to the right to look over David’s shoulder, then back at David. “Yeah, I can tell.” He gave his friend a smirk, then put his arms down. “You want to go out, catch a movie?”

to the right/then put his arms down - other areas where you are describing too much detail. I know that this is how you visualize it happening, but you must leave some room for the reader's imagination.
he gave his friend a smirk - an example of where you can simplify the wordiness to: He smirks. (or: "Yeah, I can tell," he smirks.)

Slowly, Liam spoke, “It’s been a week. Chelsey isn’t coming back.” As soon as Liam spoke the words, he regretted them. “Now, if you don’t want to go to the movies, that’s fine, but at least you could make it to school, once in a while.”

This isn't necessary. It fiddles with the POV. He regrets speaking words is omnicient, yet at the same time limited, because we don't know why. You could have Liam grimace or make some other face, to show his regret at his haste.

He slowly made his way to his car, David’s eyes watching him the whole way through. Liam put the car in gear, and backed out of the driveway, moved up a gear and drove down the road, out of sight.

First sentence could be reduced: David watched Liam make his way to the car. It isn't passive this way. David's eyes don't watch - David does through his eyes.

Second sentence: Do we really need to know about the car gears, about shifting? I'm not wondering whether or not Liam can drive a stick shift. He's in his car, our point of view is still with David (who is watching).

David then made his way back into the house. His heart had now fallen further than it had before. He was a bad person. He just let his girlfriend down, now his friend. The sickness started to burst from beneath the surface. The whispers were now screams of pain - his pain. And they wouldn’t stop reminding him of his mistakes.

It started pushing him again. This time he knew where he was going. He made his way into the bathroom. The mirror cabinet was the only thing in his way now. In the way of the silence in the ocean of lies, all screaming at him. Telling him the truths about him. How sick of a person he was. It was the voice, he finally heard it clearly now.

then - omit ("then" is useful for action sequences.)
made his way - were there obstacles in the way? did he undertake a long perilous journey just to get back inside? making one's way usually is reserved for these kinds of affairs. "going back inside" shows us that David just stepped out of doors for a moment. He wasn't far from the door.
cabinet - omit. (for metaphorical reasons)
"in his way now. In the way of..." - when you repeat yourself, when you want to make a point, when you are building up to a specific example or image, you use commas. (like i just did, here)
It was the voice, he finally heard it clearly now. - What voice? We readers need to see a voice - italics would work good to demonstrate - there has to be something definitive, something almost out-of-body here.

He opened the mirror doors. His shaking hands clasped the orange bottles. His thin fingers popped open the cap. It wasn’t a matter of picking them out anymore. He put the bottle to his lips and opened his mouth. The pills went down, leaving the salty taste of his tears in his mouth. David slowly made his way to the outside porch. His weak body found comfort on a wooden bench. His eyes slowly closed, anticipating the silence to come.

clasped the orange bottles/open the cap - singular/plural agreement
the pills went down - passive sentence (as opposed to: he choked down the pills)
"David slowly made his way" - there he is again, making his way, and slowly! Give us some verbs here. How does he walk? Does he stumble? Does he drag his feet?
"weak" - omit (because we know that it finds comfort in the bench, so it's tired, drained)
"His eyes slowly closed" - passive again, plus with the adverb slowly! (He closed his eyes...)

* * *

A fairly short first chapter. We're introduced to how David is feeling and some of the reasons on why he's feeling the way he is. We know he made some mistakes in the past, but we don't need to know why just yet. This cloak is good for keeping the reader interested. Liam is concerned for his best friend, however they didn't really act like best friends in my opinion (aside from the brotherly hug). I'd like to see Liam try harder to get David to come out with him.

I don't know why David is swallowing pills, why he's feeling so depressed, why every detail about him is melancholy. While it does well enough to create a character, starting a story about a depressed "boy," especially if it's a depression brought on by a break-up (I'm assuming it's a break-up. It could be that Chelsea is dead, too), it's just...ordinary to me. It doesn't strike me as something original. If I were to come across this at the bookstore, I wouldn't read past these first few pages. It's not that it's written badly, or that it might eventually take me to somewhere I'd like to be. I am just not hooked.

I'll review the second chapter later, if you want me to. For now, I need a break.

I do plan on fixing all that stuff when it's completed, so I have a full thing to fix.

I find I never discover all the things that need fixing at a single reading, or on a single occasion. Couple that with the fact that the beginning is the most important part, drawing the reader in, and I have found that it pays to start a writing session by going over what I have written previously and correcting, this means that the important beginning gets the most attention. having said that, of course everyone works differently.

The others pointed out the gramatical errors, so I'm just going to tell you what you did right. The hook was amazing. You use detail very well in supporting mood and influencing the mind of the reader. It is very intruiging, and I really enjoy your style.

~Isaiah

@Mike- Thanks again so much. I have my document open and a cleared mind, to do the editing. It helps me so much. Really, thank you.

@Olly- When I write it's like I embed my emotions into the piece I just wrote. It's just sometimes not in me to revisit the emotion, I just used to write it. That's why I take much longer to post updates on a certain story, although lately, I have been writing a lot more often. I do enjoy taking out my story when I get stuck and start editing. It helps me refocus on the story and the characters. I do get stuck, quite often, but this story has been fresh in my mind, rather than stories prior.

I will try go over my old work before I press on with my story. It seems logical to revisit the characters in the past, to make them grow in the future. Thanks for the tip.

@Isaiah Lake - Thanks, that comment made me smile and I hope I only get the grammar wrong, because grammar can always be fixed. As for voice, tone, description, ect., they need to be completely erased and made sense again. It's nice to hear I do something right!

Thanks again, Mike for helping me fix my mistakes, Olly for a wonderful tip, and Isaiah for the comment that put a smile on my face. Now it is time for the edit!