Thread: A Beating Heart Chapter 1 Part 1 of 2

Part 2 is now below this post! Check it out!


I scratched my last idea, so here is my new one. A boy wakes up to the city of Boston totally destructed. I am also going to add another main character. He is an extra-terrestrial coming to revive the world's people. So there is another part coming in his point of view.

A Beating Heart

Chapter One:

The World as They Knew It

Joseph White woke up on an October day to an almost totally demolished Boston, Massachusetts. His head throbbed in pain as his sight finally came back to him. His eyelids cracked open slowly, revealing his light blue eyes. Almost fully conscious now, he sat up gently and scouted out his surroundings. Wherever that place used to be, it was now a pile of rubble. Joseph was in some kind of building. He could see that it was very large now that almost every wall had collapsed. A fire crackled as it was burning down another section of wall. Wonder came to him as he thought of the reason he was still alive.

The entire building was destroyed it seemed except for the large room he was lying in. Joseph squinted to read some words printed above what used to be a doorway. It looked to have read: SHELTER 21.

He examined the room to a higher quality now. There were no windows, only some air vents in the parts of the ceiling that hadn’t collapsed. There was absolutely no sign of living organisms in the room. Rubble blanketed the stone floor which was barely visible because of the extreme amounts of dust. In fact, it was terribly hard to breathe as with every breath Joseph took, he absorbed a hefty amount of the crushed rock and ash into his body.

He struggled to get up mainly caused by his extreme head pain and his newly found back pain. Head throbbing and back suffering, he eventually got himself off of the cracked ground. The boy stretched out his neck, arms, legs, and especially his tweaked back. He wondered how long he had been lying there in that room.

Joseph began walking out of the doorway that read: SHELTER 21, which was unnecessary considering that the entire wall had been destroyed except for the faint outline of the doorway. He walked while struggling to breathe and see as debris flooded the calm air.

In the now nearly disintegrated corridor of what Joseph now knew was some sort of shelter; he peered down the long hallway. It appeared to once have quite a few other doors. He didn’t even take a minute to check out the rest of the rooms because he could see everything. The interior of the rooms were totally visible. Most of their walls were torn down and Joseph didn’t see any sign of life.

What really astounded Joseph was the fact that he did not remember anything about being transported to this place. He had never been there before in his life and never knew there was a large shelter building located in Boston. He was absolutely mesmerized by the fact that he was the only one in that entire building, and he didn’t even know how he got there.
Why am I the only one here? Why is this building totally destroyed? What in the world happened? These questions hurried through Joseph’s mind as he tried to find a way out of the shelter. Since there were no stairs or elevators to any lower levels, he took the stairs up. The stairs seemed to have stayed in contact with the building through whatever had destroyed the rest of it. He safely climbed to the peak of the staircase. Also still standing was a metal door. It was excessive and tough to push open as he had to most of his strength.

Expecting to find at least some life outside of the shelter, Joseph was glad to get out of there until he saw what happened to the city of Boston. It was almost completely flattened. The towering buildings and car packed streets were now almost nothing. Rubble filled the landscape. There were some scattered buildings that were still on their feet, but not many. In fact, Joseph thought he saw his uncle’s apartment building sticking out of the wreckage.

There’s got to be somebody left in the city. He thought. His search began. The hospital was just down the street and he decided to start there. He could see the sign still sticking its head out at him. His quarter of a mile journey was treacherous. With every step he almost lost his footing as he climbed over sections of the once magnificent structures of Boston.

Once he reached the hospital, Joseph entered the double door main entrance. Nothing living was there. There were dead bodies lying on the floor and the stench almost made him vomit. Sprinting out of the building, he fell onto his hands and knees and gagged terribly. Then he began to cry. Joseph had never sobbed that much in his entire life. Tears trickled down his dirty face and dripped onto the ground. Why is this? He thought. Am I all that is left?

Pain struck his stomach. He wondered how long he had been knocked out in that shelter because he was totally famished. His body was longing for food and nutrients. It had never gone this long without it before. There was trash and clutter all over the ground along with the debris. He searched the remains of what used to be walls, windows and doors. After about ten minutes of scavenging, he had obtained a couple one serving bag of potato chips and a can of cold chicken noodle soup. Although it wasn’t much at all, it was enough to soothe the severe hunger pains.

Joseph couldn’t help it but to think about his family. Where were they? What happened to them Where they still alive? He thought. His parents loved him dearly and he loved them even more. They were there for him his whole life and never let him down. Now it was dawning on him that he could possibly never see him again.

His mother, Alice White, was as loving a parent that anyone could ask for. She had dark brown hair that nearly met her shoulders. Her eyes were light blue, almost clear, just like Joseph’s. She was short and thin and was beautiful throughout her whole life. Joseph’s father was lucky to have her.

Michael White was Joseph’s father. He was tall and well built with Joseph’s brown hair and messy hairstyle. (No matter what he did, his hair grew out in a messy pattern.) He owned an electrician company but always seemed to find time to be with his family.

Joseph had a younger brother named Joshua. They had the same initials, J.A.W, (Joseph Andrew White and Joshua Aaron White) which they always talked about because it spelled out JAW. It was just a little thing they had together, like most friends had. That’s what they were, friends. It was rare to find a relationship that grand between two brothers who were only two years apart.

As he thought about his fantastic family, it hit him. What is the point of thinking about them? He thought when I could never see them ever again? Everything began to hit him now. The shelter, the destruction, and the deaths all came back to him. That’s right…he thought. They had been in a worldwide nuclear war.

Originally Posted by Cords

I scratched my last idea, so here is my new one. A boy wakes up to the city of Boston totally destructed. I am also going to add another main character. He is an extra-terrestrial coming to revive the world's people. So there is another part coming in his point of view.

A Beating Heart


Chapter One:

The World as They Knew It

Joseph White woke up on an October day to an almost totally demolished Boston, Massachusetts. His head throbbed in pain as his sight finally came back to him. His eyelids cracked open slowly, revealing his light blue eyes. Almost fully conscious now, he sat up gently and scouted out his surroundings. Wherever that place used to be, it was now a pile of rubble. Joseph was in some kind of building. He could see that it was very large now that almost every wall had collapsed. A fire crackled as it was burning down another section of wall. Wonder came to him as he thought of the reason he was still alive.

The entire building was destroyed it seemed except for the large room he was lying in. Joseph squinted to read some words printed above what used to be a doorway. It looked to have read: SHELTER 21.

He examined the room to a higher quality now. There were no windows, only some air vents in the parts of the ceiling that hadn’t collapsed. There was absolutely no sign of living organisms in the room. Rubble blanketed the stone floor which was barely visible because of the extreme amounts of dust. In fact, it was terribly hard to breathe as with every breath Joseph took, he absorbed a hefty amount of the crushed rock and ash into his body.

He struggled to get up mainly caused by his extreme head pain and his newly found back pain. Head throbbing and back suffering, he eventually got himself off of the cracked ground. The boy stretched out his neck, arms, legs, and especially his tweaked back. He wondered how long he had been lying there in that room.

Joseph began walking out of the doorway that read: SHELTER 21, which was unnecessary considering that the entire wall had been destroyed except for the faint outline of the doorway. He walked while struggling to breathe and see as debris flooded the calm air.

In the now nearly disintegrated corridor of what Joseph now knew was some sort of shelter; he peered down the long hallway. It appeared to once have quite a few other doors. He didn’t even take a minute to check out the rest of the rooms because he could see everything. The interior of the rooms were totally visible. Most of their walls were torn down and Joseph didn’t see any sign of life.

What really astounded Joseph was the fact that he did not remember anything about being transported to this place. He had never been there before in his life and never knew there was a large shelter building located in Boston. He was absolutely mesmerized by the fact that he was the only one in that entire building, and he didn’t even know how he got there.
Why am I the only one here? Why is this building totally destroyed? What in the world happened? These questions hurried through Joseph’s mind as he tried to find a way out of the shelter. Since there were no stairs or elevators to any lower levels, he took the stairs up. The stairs seemed to have stayed in contact with the building through whatever had destroyed the rest of it. He safely climbed to the peak of the staircase. Also still standing was a metal door. It was excessive and tough to push open as he had to most of his strength.

Expecting to find at least some life outside of the shelter, Joseph was glad to get out of there until he saw what happened to the city of Boston. It was almost completely flattened. The towering buildings and car packed streets were now almost nothing. Rubble filled the landscape. There were some scattered buildings that were still on their feet, but not many. In fact, Joseph thought he saw his uncle’s apartment building sticking out of the wreckage.

There’s got to be somebody left in the city. He thought. His search began. The hospital was just down the street and he decided to start there. He could see the sign still sticking its head out at him. His quarter of a mile journey was treacherous. With every step he almost lost his footing as he climbed over sections of the once magnificent structures of Boston.

Once he reached the hospital, Joseph entered the double door main entrance. Nothing living was there. There were dead bodies lying on the floor and the stench almost made him vomit. Sprinting out of the building, he fell onto his hands and knees and gagged terribly. Then he began to cry. Joseph had never sobbed that much in his entire life. Tears trickled down his dirty face and dripped onto the ground. Why is this? He thought. Am I all that is left?

Pain struck his stomach. He wondered how long he had been knocked out in that shelter because he was totally famished. His body was longing for food and nutrients. It had never gone this long without it before. There was trash and clutter all over the ground along with the debris. He searched the remains of what used to be walls, windows and doors. After about ten minutes of scavenging, he had obtained a couple one serving bag of potato chips and a can of cold chicken noodle soup. Although it wasn’t much at all, it was enough to soothe the severe hunger pains.

Joseph couldn’t help it but to think about his family. Where were they? What happened to them Where they still alive? He thought. His parents loved him dearly and he loved them even more. They were there for him his whole life and never let him down. Now it was dawning on him that he could possibly never see him again.

His mother, Alice White, was as loving a parent that anyone could ask for. She had dark brown hair that nearly met her shoulders. Her eyes were light blue, almost clear, just like Joseph’s. She was short and thin and was beautiful throughout her whole life. Joseph’s father was lucky to have her.

Michael White was Joseph’s father. He was tall and well built with Joseph’s brown hair and messy hairstyle. (No matter what he did, his hair grew out in a messy pattern.) He owned an electrician company but always seemed to find time to be with his family.

Joseph had a younger brother named Joshua. They had the same initials, J.A.W, (Joseph Andrew White and Joshua Aaron White) which they always talked about because it spelled out JAW. It was just a little thing they had together, like most friends had. That’s what they were, friends. It was rare to find a relationship that grand between two brothers who were only two years apart.

As he thought about his fantastic family, it hit him. What is the point of thinking about them? He thought when I could never see them ever again? Everything began to hit him now. The shelter, the destruction, and the deaths all came back to him. That’s right…he thought. They had been in a worldwide nuclear war.

***This is part two of the first chapter. Continue reading from the first part!***

* * *

Space. It was the total opposite of the earth that Joseph knew. In space, a single seated pod was zooming into the Milky Way galaxy at a speed no human would ever imagine. This pod flew itself, as it was programmed to do by its pilot. It was programmed to fly straight to the planet Earth.

Long, thin fingers slithered over numerous buttons of the pod. Those fingers were connected to wide, flat hands that led to muscular arms and chest. This was the body of Shwantanike Ahlmiro, a being from planet Ingaskwia that is located trillions of miles away from the Milky Way galaxy. He was the lone passenger of the space pod. His head was rounded almost perfectly, except for the cheek area, which was sucked in a bit. Shwantanike was about six feet two inches tall. He was built like an American Football player.

He looked at himself in a shining mirror above the front window. His broad shoulders almost didn’t even fit safely in the pod. He observed his practically clear skin, which was visible all the way to his bones and organs. He could see his own heart beating, which he was taught was almost twice the size of a human’s.

Ingaskwia was a large and very technologically advanced planet. Their technology was so advanced that it could seek out that there was still some life on earth, but they didn’t know where. Planet Ingaskwia was populated by about twenty-three billion Ingaskwians, who were almost perfect. It was located in a galaxy trillions of miles away from the Milky Way galaxy. Its surface was the opposite of earth’s, with more land than water. The atmosphere was loaded with oxygen, which the Ingaskwians breathed, just like humans.

Ingaskwians had identical lives of each other, except for their jobs. They were all fed perfectly, no one starved. All of the families worked exactly the same. They each had two parents and a single child, either a male or female. No more. There was almost no sadness and sickness. But when there was sickness, it was fatal. Ingaskwians didn’t know how to cure illnesses and diseases. They didn’t even know how to revive a heart. Their body worked just like a human’s. It had most of the same organs, like a heart, lungs, liver, and more. Their brain was the difference from humans though. It was a hundred times smarter than a human’s brain in some areas, which explains their advanced technology. In other areas though, like healing the body, it was weak. Ingaskwians died frequently just because of the lack of knowledge on healing. Few people could save them.

The Ingaskwians that Shwantanike was close to just called him Shwan, but he was known all over Ingaskwia as Savior. He was the only being on their planet that had the power to heal. It didn’t matter what the condition was, all he had to do was place his hands on the body, and it would simply heal. The Ingaskwians had a bold idea to use this power to heal something much bigger than one person.

Saviors pod was closing in on planet Earth now. He had a great view of the beautiful planet. The blue water gleamed light into his eyes and the white clouds spotted across the sky. The pod began to break through earth’s atmosphere. Its invisible shield kept the flames growing on its surface out of the cockpit. From a distance, it looked like a meteor bombing towards earth’s crust. It also looked just like a nuclear bomb dropping onto a city. Except this time it was heading for a desert.

The pod skidded quickly across the sandy surface. As it came to a halt, Savior felt an extreme pain in his upper leg. He pressed the eject button and he plopped out of the roof of the pod onto the sand. Rolling over onto his stomach, he groaned in pain. The sun was beating down on his body far more than he ever experienced with the sun in his solar system.

The pain in his leg was killing him now. He could see the fractured bone through his transparent skin. It wasn’t bad, but it needed healing. His hands went to his thigh and his eyes closed. A surge of energy transferred through his body into his leg. Flashes of blue and yellow light shot into the sky. The bone began to contract back together and after a few moments, it was totally healed.

Savior got up and took a long look around. He squinted in the sunlight as he looked across the vast Egyptian desert. The wind blew some sand around and he had to cover up his eyes once in a while. He began to walk toward a pointy object that protruded over the horizon. He heard of some magnificent structures that were built by the humans of earth, and maybe that was one of them. Knowing he was in Egypt due to great studies his people had completed, he knew that ancient Egyptians were one of the hardest working and greatest building peoples of earth. He came to this planet for one reason. He began his journey to find a human being.

"Wherever that place used to be, it was now a pile of rubble" - It would make more sense if this said, "Whatever that place used to be".

"In the now nearly disintegrated corridor of what Joseph now knew was some sort of shelter; he peered down the long hallway." - The part that says, "of what Joseph now knew was some sort of shelter" seems unnecessary. You've already established that this is a shelter of some kind.

I'll come back to this later, currently slacking at work Liking it so far though, it's already reminding me of fallout, can't wait to read the rest

Originally Posted by BluntAshwater

"Wherever that place used to be, it was now a pile of rubble" - It would make more sense if this said, "Whatever that place used to be".

"In the now nearly disintegrated corridor of what Joseph now knew was some sort of shelter; he peered down the long hallway." - The part that says, "of what Joseph now knew was some sort of shelter" seems unnecessary. You've already established that this is a shelter of some kind.

I'll come back to this later, currently slacking at work Liking it so far though, it's already reminding me of fallout, can't wait to read the rest

Thanks, BluntAshwater. I look forward to your full review when you get the time!

"These questions hurried through Joseph’s mind as he tried to find a way out of the shelter." - "hurried" is a strange choice, I'm not sure it works. Maybe "occupied Joseph's mind" would sound better. I see that you're trying to instil a sense of urgency but I can't really think of a decent substitute which would leave the flow untouched, sorry

"It was excessive and tough to push open as he had to most of his strength." - show the reader instead of blatantly telling them. Something along the lines of, "Joseph grunted as he struggled to force the heavy metal door open." might work better.

"He could see the sign still sticking its head out at him" - This part just sounds really strange... signs don't have heads

"There was trash and clutter all over the ground along with the debris." - I think this might read better as, "Trash was strewn among the debris, cluttering the ground."

"Joseph couldn’t help it but to think about his family." - Should be, "Joseph couldn't help but think about his family."

I liked the last part, you're pretty good at setting an emotional scene. Overall the first chapter was pretty damn good, despite a few errors. I really like the apocalyptic atmosphere Hope my comments have been helpful.

If you have the time, would you mind reading and critiquing my first post, Bait? The link is in my sig. Cheers
Gord.

Ok. Thanks Blunt! You're right, I word some things really weirdly sometimes. I'll fix that in the editing stage.