Thread: Love, Brittney, Broken.

Hello. This is the first two chapters of a story I'm working on. It's mainly based around the journal of the main character.(The italics are the journal entries.) I don't want to describe the person she is, I'm really hoping you can pick up on that. I've got some mixed reviews on this, but I really like it. I'll post more as I go. But here's what I have.

Chapter One: Day 217.

Day 217.
Letter: One.

Isn't there some kind of saying...something about "If you stare into the abyss too long, the abyss will stare back into you." It's something like that right. ? Well, if it is and that's true, does that mean you just become empty. ? I mean what would it feel like to have an abyss stare into you. ? Why were you staring into it. ? What did you want to see and what did you want to find. ? I don't know much about the abyss actually, I'm pretty clueless. But, I'd imagine it'd be something like those waters you go white watering rafting in, you know. I know they're deep. That's about it. So, if you fell in, would it just swallow you up like you never existed. ? Or, is an abyss something that gives you time to change your mind. ? What I find most interesting is, the water. It would fill your lungs at some point, because you'd run out of air. And don't lie, you'd be holding your breath, holding your breathe to go underwater is like a natural reaction, you'd be doing it. So anyway, at some point the water would feel your lungs, is that like sufficating. Would it flood into your warm body like ice cubes melting in your hands on a hot summer day. Or maybe it takes it's time and seeps in, like blood in a vein. Either way, you'd die at some point. After that, does your body float, being as lifeless as you are. ? Or do you just, lie on the bottom of the water's floor until somebody finds you. ?

My name is Brittney, I am fifteen and today, I've spent two hundred and seventeen days away from someone who means so much to me. It was my fault, really how I got here, because I'm the kind who doesn't like to me changed, I'm set in my ways. I've got my problems that doesn't mean I want any help. But I know that he's out there somewhere, and I'll find him. This time, I won't let go. I keep this stupid jurnal because without it I'm sure I'd lose it. My sanity I mean, I've had the stupid thing for years. There was just no reason to write in it, but there is now. Two hundred seventeen days of lonely and wait. It's a long time to be away from somebody you love...

Chapter Two: Day 219.

Day: 219.
Letter. Two.

I. Wonder. Where. You. Are.

Everyday. No matter what I'm doing or where I may be. It's like one of those mornings when you wake up and know that you're getting ill, but for the next three or fours days, you deny it. Until, you're finally ill and then at that point you wish you would have done something sooner. I wish I would have done something sooner, all the things I could have done to make you stay. The words I could've said and what I could have did, inside of trying to give you the world all I had to do was hold your hand. Think about that, how do you give the one you love too much. ? Two Hundred and nineteen days, a little over eight months and I still miss you...

"What's with her. ?"
"Who. ?"
"That girl."
"...That's Brittney, she's uhm."
"What. ?"

New people make me wat to scream. ! She's staring at me, they're talking. I feel it.

"She's just got this edge to her, with everybody so don't take it personal. She's got this sting to her...She's nice and smart and all; she's just a bit...."

Bitter. Bitter is what I am. I must keep bitter, I have this rage boiling inside me like I could snap at any minute. But I never will and never will. I'm like a contained wild fire, one gust of wind and all set the whole forest on fire.

Just a couple things:

When you have a question you always do the period and then the question mark (. ?) Take the period out and just have the question mark.

"It was my fault, really how I got here, because I'm the kind who doesn't like to me changed, I'm set in my ways." Is that supposed to be "I'm the kind who doesn't like to be changed.." ?

"Two hundred seventeen days of lonely and wait." This sounds a little weird. Maybe make it "Two hundred and seventeen days of waiting and loneliness." or something..

"I. Wonder. Where. You. Are." I think you should make that one sentence.

"Two Hundred and eighteen days, a little over eight months and I still miss you..." I thought it was day 219?

It is an interesting concept and I think this has great potential it just needs some touching up.

-Eden

Lose the Nietzsche soapbox opening. Although it has some intresting word-play, the rest of it takes on a conversational tone that's too heavy on 'like' and 'I know', and too light on substance or plot. As a opener, it has the effect of making drowning in a abyss seem like a good idea. As well:

like those waters you go white watering rafting in, you know. I know they're deep. That's about it.

White water rafting isn't in deep waters. If anything the depth of most white water rafting is shallow, considering that most rafting takes place on rivers and streams, instead of a deep body of water like the ocean.

Would it flood into your warm body like ice cubes melting in your hands on a hot summer day

Missing a question mark, although the simile still seems kinda weak, even if you add it. Might just be me.

Or maybe it takes it's time and seeps in, like blood in a vein.

Again. Another simile that had me scratching my head. Blood usually seeps out of a vein not in from one. Also, although blood can seep slowly, it can also do the exact opposite. More context needed maybe?

Okay so after the musing journal entry, we get to...the introduction? I'm pretty confused how the author of the journal, is introducing herself, outside her journal? In another journal? I liked the whole concept of journal entry than action, but you seem to be holding back on the latter, and putting in more of the former. Stop! As a reader, there's only so much self-reflection of an author I can tolerate in the beginning. Which is usually little to none. Believe me on this one. I've fallen in the same black hole.

Also, you introduce what I feel is the central part of the story, love lost, for two hundred and seventeen days, but at the most boring part! Tell me more about how she is heart-broken and why, although I would skim on the why and just show the how through her writing.

Anyways,nice idea, but poor substance and execution. Sorry I couldn't be more positive...

You will find that most editors will refuse to read this. The colour is a distraction and is no substitute for good writing. Italics should be used sparingly and for a good reason.

The words themselves must catch and hold my attention, not some gimmicky idea that should have been outgrown by first form.

Try this same opening -- but execute it differently. I'm not here to say the idea at it's core is bad -- all ideas have the potential to be bad or good -- it's the means of execution that define the originality and impact. Redo this opening, and take an angle you don't think you've seen for this content, something visceral, visual, raw, and of course honest (hell, or all lies -- that'd be a spin) -- and see what happens. And, while the font and color type are not too important this early in the process, it does all need some modification at some point into proper format.

good luck --

stephen

Originally Posted by Eden.Kaye

Just a couple things:

When you have a question you always do the period and then the question mark (. ?) Take the period out and just have the question mark.

"It was my fault, really how I got here, because I'm the kind who doesn't like to me changed, I'm set in my ways." Is that supposed to be "I'm the kind who doesn't like to be changed.." ?

"Two hundred seventeen days of lonely and wait." This sounds a little weird. Maybe make it "Two hundred and seventeen days of waiting and loneliness." or something..

"I. Wonder. Where. You. Are." I think you should make that one sentence.

"Two Hundred and eighteen days, a little over eight months and I still miss you..." I thought it was day 219?

It is an interesting concept and I think this has great potential it just needs some touching up.

-Eden

The period, space and question mark is just how I write, text, ect. It's just something that I do and since it's based on the journal. I figured I'd carry it over into my writing as well.
Yes, you are correct. For the two hundred days of lonely and wait, that was on purpose.
I wonder where you are was done of purpose as well, remember it's a journal.
And lastly, yes, it should have been two hundred nineteen.

Originally Posted by Katastrof

Lose the Nietzsche soapbox opening. Although it has some intresting word-play, the rest of it takes on a conversational tone that's too heavy on 'like' and 'I know', and too light on substance or plot. As a opener, it has the effect of making drowning in a abyss seem like a good idea. As well:


White water rafting isn't in deep waters. If anything the depth of most white water rafting is shallow, considering that most rafting takes place on rivers and streams, instead of a deep body of water like the ocean.

Missing a question mark, although the simile still seems kinda weak, even if you add it. Might just be me.

Again. Another simile that had me scratching my head. Blood usually seeps out of a vein not in from one. Also, although blood can seep slowly, it can also do the exact opposite. More context needed maybe?

Okay so after the musing journal entry, we get to...the introduction? I'm pretty confused how the author of the journal, is introducing herself, outside her journal? In another journal? I liked the whole concept of journal entry than action, but you seem to be holding back on the latter, and putting in more of the former. Stop! As a reader, there's only so much self-reflection of an author I can tolerate in the beginning. Which is usually little to none. Believe me on this one. I've fallen in the same black hole.

Also, you introduce what I feel is the central part of the story, love lost, for two hundred and seventeen days, but at the most boring part! Tell me more about how she is heart-broken and why, although I would skim on the why and just show the how through her writing.

Anyways,nice idea, but poor substance and execution. Sorry I couldn't be more positive...

She's not introducing herself though another journal. She's introducing herself as her.

Originally Posted by garza

You will find that most editors will refuse to read this. The colour is a distraction and is no substitute for good writing. Italics should be used sparingly and for a good reason.

The words themselves must catch and hold my attention, not some gimmicky idea that should have been outgrown by first form.

I used italics because that's Brittney's journal.

Originally Posted by Eiji Tunsinagi

Try this same opening -- but execute it differently. I'm not here to say the idea at it's core is bad -- all ideas have the potential to be bad or good -- it's the means of execution that define the originality and impact. Redo this opening, and take an angle you don't think you've seen for this content, something visceral, visual, raw, and of course honest (hell, or all lies -- that'd be a spin) -- and see what happens. And, while the font and color type are not too important this early in the process, it does all need some modification at some point into proper format.

good luck --

stephen

Thanks.

The idea of telling a story through journal entries is an old idea, and a good one, if executed properly.

The first step you need to take is to get out your old first form grammar and review it. You have a few errors, and a general sense of usage uncertainty that is disturbing.

If you are using a word processor, run the spell check, then look up the misspelt words in a good dictionary. Study the meanings and derivation of the word so you understand how the word is to be used, and that will help you remember how to spell it next time.

Read more. I have the feeling throughout your work that there is a lack of foundation for your writing, and a good foundation can only be built with a great deal of reading. If you do not have access to many books, then go to gutenberg.org.

Do not use a thesaurus. Write using only the words you already know well. If you feel your vocabulary is too limited, go back to the paragraph above. You cannot own a word by finding it in a thesaurus. A word becomes yours only after you've seen it used properly many times in what others have written.

You have ability, there's no doubt. But you are like the carpenter's helper the first day on the job who hits his thumb more than he hits the nail. Read more, and write every day, and soon you will turn out polished text that people will want to read.

If you are writing a private diary it can be exactly as you wish because you are the only reader, but this is not really a private diary, only a pretend one, so it should be written for the person who you want to read it. The period is there at the bottom of the question mark and shouldn't be repeated, no point justifying these things, if it put a reader off it put a reader off, this is never the reader's fault, always the writer's. You may think "My God he's an idiot" but your next thought should be "So, how can I make it simple enough for idiots".