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It started as a joke between a couple friends and I and morphed into it's own story. Just a bit of slightly naughty humor.
“Another failure.” she yelled through the bathroom door. Sheila sounded more annoyed than upset so he wasn't sure what he was supposed to do. He hovered in the hall constantly reaching his hand towards the knob and pulling back. He ran his hand through his brown greasy hair.
“Are you sure you did it right?” Jeff knew that was the wrong thing to say as soon as it came out of his mouth.
“You weren't complaining a few weeks ago.” She laughed as she opened the door. Rolling her brown eyes she just brushed past him. “I'm going to call and make an appointment even though I really don't want to. I would rather have a root canal than a pelvic exam.”
He followed her down the hall, still unsure and now slightly incredulous. “It can't be that bad. I don't believe they tell you to turn and cough.”
She flopped across the bed pulling her day book and cell phone off the night stand. She didn't think that ridiculous comment deserved a response until he opened his mouth again. And insert foot.
“Besides stuff gets shoved up there all the time. You don't complain when I'm examining you.” Was that supposed to be sexy?
“Do you know what a speculum is?” Sheila didn't even raise her head to see his negative response. She just flipped through her book and kept on. “It is like a combination of a duck bill and the jaws of life. First I strip naked and the doc rounds second base with barely a hello. Then I put my feet in stirrups, spread my legs real wide while he shines a bright light illuminated all my business. Then he takes the speculum, which I swear they store in deep freeze, and shoves it into me. He proceeds to jack me open, just like the Jaws of Life.” Her tone was just the same as when they discussed the weather. He started to sweat a bit on his upper lip in fear. Jeff was strangely fascinated though.
“Now while I am spread far enough apart for the whole fricken marching band to enter he takes wooden sticks and scrapes my insides. Then he feels me up some more. Then he closes the speculum, invariably pinching some of my very sensitive and already irritated inner folds. Then he yanks it out, did I mention that he had pinched some of my hooha skin in it first?
Now do you really wonder why I don't want to go? Hello I'd like to make an appointment with Dr. Feesum.” Slightly dazed he wandered out of the room. All he could think was that he'd like to see that.
“Kelly Henson the doctor will see you now.” The nurse in the Pepto pink scrubs called from just inside the door that her abundant behind propped open. She rose, grabbing her purse from under the chair. He stood too.
“What are you doing?” she hissed under her breath.
“I just wanted to support you through this ordeal.” He smiled his most winsome smile. Meanwhile the nurse had started tapping her foot with impatience.
“Whatever.” she rolled her eyes and flounced into the rear of the office. Following the nurse she entered the small examining room, tossed her purse under the chair and climbed onto the examining table. Her short legs dangling like a child, stocking feet swinging to and fro. She sat as still as was possible in her nervousness while the nurse checked her vitals.
“The doctor will be with you shortly.” The wide nurse left them to their own devices. He thumbed through Ladies Home Journal trying to look interested in whatever the article was about to avoid her probing gaze.
“Okay drop the act. You could care less if this is an ordeal for me or not.”
“That’s not true. I mean I just didn’t know it was an ordeal before.”
“No really, why the sudden interest in my gynecological health?” He turned towards the metal tray loaded with instruments.
“Is this the duck billed jaw of life?” he pointed but not to close, afraid it might just snap.
“Is that what this is about? You want to get an up close and personal view of my inside? You could just take a flash light down there at home? Frankly this is kind of weird.”
“Hey don’t most expectant fathers go to visits with their wives? It’s not weird to anyone else. I’m sure everyone in the doctor’s office thinks it’s perfectly normal.”
“I really don’t care what they all think. If you want to come when we hear the heart beat or the ultrasound, I mean that I can understand. This is just you getting your kicks off. And what’s with the bag? You did not bring a hidden camera did you? If you film my pap I will kick your ass”
“No! I just brought some books and a note pad for questions and stuff.” He unzipped the bag and pulled out a legal pad and fished a couple pens from the bottom.
“Aww, really? So you’re excited to be a dad?” She squinched her nose up when she said that, just as cute as a bunny.
“Of course baby. Hey we’ve been working pretty hard for this for a few months now. Not that I am objecting to the work, I will never object to that kind of work. I’m just a bit worried that it hasn’t happened yet. I want to make sure that we’re doing everything right.” He looked very sincere and sweet with the pen and paper clutched to his chest as he leaned forward towards her thigh. She was seated much higher than him, it made for an interesting view.
“People have been doing this forever without modern medicine. It should be fine.” He set the office supplies down on the counter and stood up. His head was just level with hers as he wrapped his arms around her, the paper gown crinkling between their bodies. Two small knocks sounded and the doctor walked in. He was a kindly older fellow, looked like someone’s grandpa. He smiled and picked up the chart placing reading glasses on his nose.
“So you have taken several tests and they’ve all come up negative? When was the first day of your last cycle?”
“About 42 days ago. That is really long for me. I am 28 days on the dot, like clock work.”
“Aren’t you lucky. Okay I am going to order some blood work to check things out. Right after your appointment Becky will give you the paperwork. Just take it downstairs to the lab, no need to make an appointment.
Okay lay back and we’ll see what’s going on here.” He set the chart back on the table and took a seat on the rolling stool. Scooting up towards the exam table he palpated her abdomen.
“Okay scoot down a bit, thanks.” He placed her feet in the stirrups and reached across to grab the speculum. Putting a bit of lube on it he inserted it as she tried not to flinch. Pulling the light down closer he leaned in for a better look.
“Well congratulations. Your cervix is a bit blue.”
“Is that good?” Jeff asked trying to lean over her knees to get a look. Sheila gave him the look, you know the one that says if you ever want to see down there again you will stop right there buddy.
“It’s a perfectly normal response in early pregnancy. I would guess by the size of your uterus that your dates may be off. To make sure everything is as it should be get that blood testing done. We’ll see how your numbers look. I will give you a call tomorrow with the results. Congratulations you two.” After removing everything and setting Sheila to rights he shucked his gloves, shook their hands and left them stunned in his wake.
“A baby. We’re going to have a baby.” Then she squealed like a stuck pig and danced around the room naked. When her back was turned in one of those spins he slipped the speculum into his bag. Then he picked her up and swung her around in a tight hug.
“So I guess we’ve been doing it right after all. You want to celebrate, umm no drinking now, how about dinner?” He packed the paper and pens over the hidden contraption and zipped up his bag while she started to dress.
“That sounds great. Listen you are not to tell anyone until we get those blood results back. Do you understand? I do not want to have to repeat this later.”
“I am not one of your students. I got it. Keep my lips zipped until you give me the word. Anyways it would cool to work out some kind of surprise for our parents. You know to pop the news.”
“That sounds great.” With her jeans and sweater on she sat down and tied her shoes. Before she opened the door she took one last look at her reflection, smoothing down her staticky fine black hair. “We’ll talk about it over dinner. I have a date with a vampire right now, they want to drain my blood.” Of course with the whole fake Dracula accent and creepy hand movements that looked utterly ridiculous on a woman who looked like she taught kindergarten for a living. It was middle school so close enough.
“So where do you want to go for dinner? We’ve still got a little time but I’m not going back to work for the last half an hour so I’d rather get an early dinner. That was a red light.” Sheila said as they raced through the intersection. “Come on, you need to be more careful, baby on board.”
“Shit.” He’d been too busy thinking of a way to tell her that he’d swiped the duck bill thing and then find a way to let him use it on her.
“Great. Way to ruin a great day.” She smacked his arm as the red and blue lights flashed behind the car.
“Sorry.” He said as he pulled into a parking lot. He rolled down the window and rested his hand on the steering wheel while he watched the officer get out of the cruiser. The officer didn’t look much older than one of Sheila’s students. He still had a bad case of acne and that gangly all elbows and knees look that teenage boys and puppies have.
“License and registration please. Do you know why I pulled you over?” Poor Officer Dents, his voice still squeaked. He hadn’t been on the job but a couple months now and was still nervous.
“Yes, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to run the light. I wasn’t paying attention. You see we just found out we’re going to be parents.” Jeff handed out the paperwork to the officer and waited while Sheila fumed in the passenger seat.
“Have you been smoking anything sir?”
“What? No.”
“Would you mind if I searched your vehicle?”
“Actually I would. What is your problem? I just ran a red light. There wasn’t even traffic in the intersection. Just give me my ticket and let us go.” Now Jeff was getting pissed and Sheila was just plain furious. Although Sheila was mad at Jeff and Jeff was mad at the officer.
“You need to curb your attitude. Your eyes are very blood shot and your car smells overly of freshener. Do not move.” The officer went back to his patrol car and checked things out. Within a couple minutes another cruiser showed up. By now Sheila had calmed down to just annoyed. This whole thing was ridiculous. His eyes didn’t look any more blood shot than usual, it was allergy season. And that wasn’t car freshener, it was her perfume. Really he couldn’t tell Red Door from new car scent? Jeff however was starting to freak out a bit. If they searched the car they would look in the back pack. How the hell was he going to explain that?
“If you would both get out of the car please? Just sit on the curb right there. This shouldn’t take long.” The new officer directed them to the curb and then went to confer with Officer Dents. New guy looked pretty annoyed too. Blame it on the overly enthusiastic newbie. Just then the officers took out Sheila’s purse and Jeff’s pack. They dumped them onto the ground and both stared in confusion at the speculum.
“What is this?” Oh Sheila knew all to well.
“You frickin pervert. You took the speculum. What you thought we’d play doctor later or something? You sick, sick little man.” And for good measure she smacked his arm a couple times. “That is an instrument that the gynecologist uses for examining women.”
“How…” Officer Dents trailed off as the other officer gave him the look.
“You may pick up your items. I’m sorry for the inconvenience.” said the new officer. He directed Officer Dents back towards his cruiser and reamed into him while the couple picked up the contents of their bags. Sheila reached out and grabbed the speculum before Jeff had a chance. She shook it in his face with a look of disgust on her face.
“We are heading back to the doctors and you are going to take this back and apologize to Dr. Feesum. Do you understand me? I cannot believe you. I may have to change to a new OB now. I have been with him for ages and now because of your stupidity I may not be able to show my face in there because of the embarrassment. Did you think about that? No I bet you didn’t. I am driving.”
She scooted the seat as far forward as she could. After Jeff buckled up she took one last look in the rear view mirror at the officers. They had turned off their lights but were sitting there doubled over in laughter. Well at least someone got the joke.
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