Thread: The Final Battle

I know I'm new here and shouldn't be really immediately posting stories until I get the hang of the site, but this story has been long in the dark now, and I've got no formal platform to release it with, except here. Please pardon my hastiness, but here it is.

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THE FINAL BATTLE
PROLOGUE: SETTING THE STAGE

"Then I saw the beast and the kings of the earth and their armies gathered together to make war against the rider on the horse and his army..."
- Revelation 19:19

The world is about to face the largest war it has ever seen. The stage is set. Tel-Megiddo is now still as clear as the deserted place it is, but in the few days to come, it shall become a battleground, an arena of biblical proportions.

Almost seven years ago, 85% of the countries have signed a peace treaty, creating a new world order, or as it is called, “The World Union”. Its leading country, Russia, and its president, Aleksandr Ivanov, leads this union. A month later after the union was created, the union and all its constituents unanimously voted for a declaration of war against the countries that did not join the union. As such, the remaining 15% of the countries, with Israel leading the pack, decided to form their own union: The Believers of Truth.

Seven years has past ever since numerous wars have been created. A number of countries have been left to ruins, and the Believers of Truth are now left with just five countries as its members: Israel, India, Brazil, The Philippines and the United States. Ever since the United Stated decided against the World Union, its 54 states imploded, and almost 30 states decided that they create their own country since it was these states that were in favor of a world union.

And now, the remaining 26 states of the United States are now aligning themselves with Israel, despite the almost insurmountable attack it has been receiving for the past seven years.

The rest of the countries had not been spared the torture and punishment. The southern island of Mindanao in the Philippines has created a state of its own and has become and independent country on its own, joining the World Union. India’s large country had been divided and entered a civil war. New Delhi was stormed by supporters of the World Union and its presidential residence, destroyed. Brazil’s large capital of Sao Paolo was bombed by an Intercontinental Ballistic Missile, or an ICBM, leaving six hundred and fifty thousand innocents dead.

Now, the Great War is about to spark. Aleksandr Ivanov has prepared his troops. Israel’s executive leader, Prime Minister Benyamin Gurion, together with the United States President Richard Arkinson, has formed together the force they need to battle.

The biggest war the world has ever seen is about to begin.

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*Good to see that Australia and New Zealand have had the sense to keep out of this mess*


Interesting concept for a story.

Is English your first language? I noticed a lot of tense issues, with misuse of 'has', 'have' and 'had'. And the word 'culminate' means 'finish'.

Originally Posted by The Backward OX

Is English your first language? I noticed a lot of tense issues, with misuse of 'has', 'have' and 'had'. And the word 'culminate' means 'finish'.

Er, Philippines so I guess no. We might be countrymen.

Anyway, all I can say is... MORE!

Definitely an interesting premise. I found the prologue a little overly-wordy and repetitive though - Using the same words over and over, unnecessarily repeating phrases and some slightly clumsy word use.

If english is your second language though, I have nothing but respect. I've spent just enough time studying italian and japanese to know that I ain't got a snowball's chance in hell of writing anything resembling a coherent narrative in either of them. Heck, I struggle with english half the time!

Thanks for the comments! No, English is not my first language, and yes, I am a proud Filipino.

Originally Posted by The Backward OX

I noticed a lot of tense issues, with misuse of 'has', 'have' and 'had'. And the word 'culminate' means 'finish'.

Never knew that "culminate" actually meant that. Sorry if I have missed it. Will edit it. And sorry of the tense mistakes. I try my best.

Originally Posted by TheFuhrer02

Thanks for the comments! No, English is not my first language, and yes, I am a proud Filipino.



Never knew that "culminate" actually meant that. Sorry if I have missed it. Will edit it. And sorry of the tense mistakes. I try my best.

Hey it's cool. You can continue writing and writing until you get the hang of it. Writing is Hard work, as I'm also beginning to realize now. haha

The posting of another chapter may seem fast, yes, but I have already written this story almost a month ago already. Well, I have only finished until chapter 2 so after my posting of chapter 2 here, the posting may no longer be as fast-paced as it is now.

I tried to proofread this twice just to make sure I have not missed anything. However, should there still be any mistake, I am sorry for the error and will immediately correct it once pointed.

Thanks for the feedback and any more constructive criticism is appreciated.

Finally, I found a platform in which I can write my works.

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THE FINAL BATTLE
CHAPTER 1: THE GATHERING

“Get ready; be prepared, you and all the hordes gathered about you, and take command…”
- Ezekiel 38:7

It had been a long time Elias had seen peace. Ever since he was a boy, he never believed in the bible, nor in whatever the priests told him. He only believed in one thing: that God is a good God, and that He wouldn’t destroy earth. It was simply impossible for a loving God to destroy His own creation. However, that belief will change.

Ever since the public declaration of un-acceptance by the Philippines, it has been bombarded by attacks from different nations. Japan, known to be a staunch ally of the Philippines, raided the Pearl of the Orient with its air attacks leaving hundreds and hundreds of innocent Filipinos dead. Manila was never spared from the attack. Its city hall was bombed by a missile attack from a B-2. Nowadays, it was not only the United States that owned these stealth bombers, but almost 80% of the countries did.

“May god help this country survive this great tribulation…” Elias muttered as he looked across the window from his office in the Malacañang Palace. He was about to give a speech to his nation to encourage his people to steel their nerves and garner their strength. The Filipinos have had enough of suffering, but he knows he can’t do anything about it.

It was five years ago that Elias won the presidency. The Philippine economy was booming, its crime rate at a straight decline. Everything was going well. Elias, then a senator, decided to run for the presidency. Known for being a very honest person, in whom he is, he won the presidency by a mile. His 40% lead over his opponent made his only adversary drop out from the race, knowing that Elias’s 10-million-vote lead can no longer be defeated since there were only about four million votes still not counted. On that fateful day, Elias Noriega was declared President of the Republic of the Philippines.

Then, two years later, the World Union implemented a ban on currency and developed their own money. The currency was no longer to be on paper, but to be digital. The World Union implemented the chip currency. The Philippines declined to join this tirade, and maintained their paper peso. It was then that the economy flunked big time: No more foreign investors, no more export income, no more global trade. The Philippines was suddenly alone and without funds.

Five years have passed, and the Philippines is now in deep turmoil. Inflation is in an all-time high, poverty was reaching 70%, and the death rate was a staggering five deaths per minute. Elias knew he had to do something… Unfortunately, the only thing to do when death comes smiling at you… is to smile back.

“Mr. President?” Noriega’s secretary, Elise, peered from the door. “You have the President of the United States on line one.” Elias looked at her secretary, smiled and nodded. He then picked up a phone from his table, one of three. “Hello, President Noriega here.”

“Hello, President Noriega. It’s President Arkinson here. I was wondering if you could be able to attend a meeting at Tel Aviv tomorrow. An emergency meeting was arranged by Prime Minister Gurion and your attendance would be really significant.”

Noriega went to his chair to be more comfortable. He then rubbed his eyes and wondered what the emergency was all about. “I’ll never miss it for the world.”

“Alright. The meeting will be tomorrow afternoon, around four, Israeli time. See you then.”

“Understood, thank you for the call.” Noriega hung up. Whatever it was, he was sure it was a damn emergency. Why else would the President of the United States himself do the call? The ramifications were simply outstanding. For all he knew, Russia may have just declared a full attack on Tel Aviv. Surely, they won’t do that just yet… Little did Elias knew that what he was thinking… was actually right on.

Meanwhile, things are starting to heat up at the Kremlin in Moscow. President Ivanov was with his executive committee in a meeting on launching a war against Israel. As President of the World Union, he knows that one of his tasks is to ensure the safety of his people, and that all radical elements outside of the union must be destroyed at all costs. He was now hearing a report from the president of Great Britain.

“Our country has its 800,000-strong army ready at your command. Our Harriers and B-2’s as well as our UH-60 Black Hawks and are on red alert, ready to do your orders,” said Great Britain President Elton Urwell. After he was finished, Ivanov merely nodded at him and looked at another head of state.

“We have our Panzers and amphibian carriers ready and waiting for command, sir. Our ICBM’s are engaged and ready to fire, with their launch codes on hand.” German Chancellor Ralf Hoffstenn passed a file folder to Ivanov. Ivanov took the folder and opened it, seeing a piece of paper with ten lines of seemingly nothing but gibberish. However, the Russian knew it was more than gibberish. He was just given the launch codes to ten ICBM’s. He closed the file folder and looked at another head of state.

“France is ready for battle, Mister President. Our Mobile Suits and Attack Suits are ready for your orders.” French President Jean-Jacques Roquefort proudly said.

The Russian President nodded. He then stood up and said, “Alright, get them all set. I want them geared and poised for battle at the Rock of Gibraltar base in 20 hours.” With that, Ivanov left the room.

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Originally Posted by TheFuhrer02

“Good evening from here in Washington, President Noriega. It’s President Arkinson here.

Just a minor detail I've caught. If the secretary had already told Elias the President of the United States is calling, a simple good evening and it's president Arkinson would do.

Great Job, keep it up, and make sure to re-edit you're previous postings so we could see the development. Kudos!

Originally Posted by darknite_johanne

Just a minor detail I've caught. If the secretary had already told Elias the President of the United States is calling, a simple good evening and it's president Arkinson would do.

Thanks for the heads-up! Haven't really thought about that... Deleted the excess words.

Again, thanks!

EDIT: Changed the statement from "Good evening from here in Washington..." to "Hello,..."

Here's the latest chapter I have finished. As usual, I proofread it twice and should there be any mistake still, the error has been always mine and will quickly correct it once specifically pointed out.

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THE FINAL BATTLE
CHAPTER 2: THE HORNET

“Moreover, the Lord your God will send The Hornet among them until even the survivors who hide have perished…”
- Deuteronomy 7:28

The Central Intelligence Agency or more commonly known by its acronym as the C.I.A., was having another budget cut. From the 20-million dollars (plus change), it received last season, it was now reduced to 15-million dollars. Considering the inflation and economic downfall the United States is having, 15-million does not sound much. However, CIA Director Nathan Liniell makes it all run like they had still a lot of money left. Espionage was standard, and they still have at least one agent per country roaming and giving out details. Espionage and intelligence gathering is now more important that ever, now that all of the countries seem to be hostile against the land of America.

The CIA receives a ton of threats daily, from hijacking to national systems hacking right down to nuclear strikes. However, a threat that will now reach the CIA Director in a few moments will be nothing like he has seen or heard of before.

Liniell was reading a news article on his laptop off the internet when his secretary knocked on his door. “Mr. Director? It’s Agent Richards to see you.” Liniell removed his reading glasses and rubbed his eyes meticulously. Let him in.” A second later, Agent Richards was inside the office of the highest-ranked man of the Agency.

“Good morning, Director Liniell,” the agent said nervously.

“I hope we are not here just to exchange pleasantries, agent. What have you got for me that’s so important?” The director’s tone was terse and brutally straightforward.

The agent no longer gave another word. He simply handed over a file folder he was holding to the director. Liniell, who much preferred this approach, took the file and began to read. The reading of the 10-page summary report took about five minutes. Liniell was a quick but meticulous reader.

Liniell sighed, apparently distraught about the report he just read. “This may just be nothing, but as far as I know Ivanov, he could pull off just about anything.” The Director sighed again, this time deeper. “Is this data accurate?”

The agent nodded his head vigorously. “I have three of my researchers confirm it. However, only two agents were able to confirm the story first-hand. We’re on a tight budget.”

“Understood. I want every field agent we have within the area focus on Ivanov. I want a full detailed report on every single thing he does from now on. I don’t care if he pisses, poops or whatnot. I want a report of him every fifteen minutes. If I don’t receive an update in my mobile every 15 minutes, consider yourself fired without benefits,” Liniell said without any visible expression at all. But the point had been blatantly delivered. “You are dismissed.”

The agent hurriedly left for the door.

Liniell felt as if a migraine will come at any minute. He re-read the report made for him by agent Richards. “If this were true, the implications would be catastrophic,” He said to himself.

The Director decided not to let this be not known to his superiors. He grabbed a private line and pressed a button. In that phone, there was only one button, and it’s for one receiver alone: a direct, secure line to the President of the United States.

Meanwhile, the Russian presidential plane was landing at the World Union base at the Rock of Gibraltar. Ivanov quickly got off the plane and into a bulletproof limousine. Once Ivanov was inside, the car sped off to the WO main HQ building.

The car arrives in front of the towering building fifteen minutes later. The car ride was quiet, with Ivanov deep in thought. His driver never bothered to speak. It wasn’t necessary, and it might just get him fired. Ivanov got off the car, headed straight for the building door and into an elevator that was built solely for his use. He had only a guard with him, the same guard who escort his to the lift every time the Russian President visits this base. The elevator only had one destination, and that is the Komiata Bogov, the name literally meaning “Room of the Gods”.

The elevator doors opened, and Ivanov entered the room. Already in the chairs of the long conference table were various state heads. Ivanov bowed and sat in his chair. “I know it is not yet 20 hours, but as far as you all know, I am a very hasty man. I hope all those you promised are already at their stations here at the base.”

All men merely nodded.

“Good. Now, I have been informed that Germany has something good for me to show?” Ivanov quickly turned to the German Chancellor. “Kanzler Hofstenn. What is it that you will show me?”

Hofstenn cleared his throat. “Mr. President, I will show you something that will do a great deal in this war we are about to launch. Can I request everyone to look to the windows?”

Both walls of the room have window panels from floor to ceiling. To the right side of the elevator entrance overlooked the Mediterranean Sea; to the other side, the vast space that was the Rock of Gibraltar Headquarters with the barracks and the soldier camps. President Hofstenn walked towards the left side and ordered that the window curtains be drawn. A security personnel touched a button and the curtains were drawn, revealing the headquarters.

All of the men inside the Room of the Gods looked intently across the window. There was nothing to see except for some soldiers running about doing exercises. It took some time. Nothing was happening.

Ivanov had enough of waiting. “What is this nonsense, Hofstenn?!”

“Relax, Mr. President. A wonderful creation will come to you very shortly. I assure you its worth the wait.”

Suddenly, out of the sky, a large craft swooped down and landed towards the quadrangle. It was a mobile suit. The metal was shining of gold; it had two large wings that shone brightly. Rockets were just visible from under the wings, totaling 50 in all, 25 in each wing. The machine was about four stories high. Seeing that its head leveled the window of the room, which was located in the 14th floor of the building, it was indeed a remarkable sight.

“Gentlemen, I present to you the best war machine ever developed by Germany yet. Having a maximum capacity of 75 Hellfire missiles, a 40.8 caliber standard-issue MSAG-1 automatic rifle, a 7-feet titanium alloy sword, and a DAk-1 plasma cannon, it is truly a war machine.” Hofstenn paused for a dramatic effect.

“Again, I present to you the RDBK-001 Hornisse, the MS Hornet.”

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I've actually got a problem with the last sentence. I don't know how to form it. For some reason, I feel it's a bit wrong... Any advice?

P.S. I feel like giving the meaning of the different acronyms and foreign words here. I know it's not necessary, but here's the list anyway, for fun.

1. MSAG: Mobile Suit Assault Gun
2. DAk: Deutsch Armeenkanone (German Army Cannon)
3. RDBK: Republik von Deutschland Beweglicher Kriegmaschine (Republic of Germany Mobile War Machine
4. Hornisse: A German word meaning "hornet".

First off, try to show, not tell. It's a familiar concept for every aspiring writer. You need to let the scenario tell the reader what you want to convey. Your tenses are still awkward. The tenses would be best past tense.

Also, your intro would be better if you showed how the conflict started in your own country. I would have started with a scene about Americans fighting Americans or from whichever country fighting with in and and then explaining why.

More buildup in every chapter. I know you have to be brief here, but for a short story even, you need more build up.

I agree with Mackb, try to show, not tell. Tell us why this conflict started. Tell us why these are the only five countries that still exist and persist.

"Japan, known to be a staunch ally of the Philippines, raided the Pearl of the Orient with its air attacks leaving hundreds and hundreds of innocent Filipinos dead."

I'm not sure why Japan would attack the Phillipines. Why, why, why! People are less interested in the different parts of a "Risk" board, as to WHY those different pieces move along the way they do along the the "Risk" board.

I am not sure how come the United States is one of the countries left since, with 30 states opting out, it clearly no longer is the United States. I think I might wait for the movie.

Since you've already alluded to English not being your first language, I'll refrain from mentioning anything about tense changes. I see a lot of enjoyment in your writing, which ultimately leads to less emphasis placed on editing. That's okay; editing can be done later.

You have some plot-holes here that need to addressed. First off, the CIA is a civilian outfit. Much to the chagrin of a lot of US politicians, it does not (nor will never) fall under the purview of the United States Congress or Senate. Its budget in 2005 was thirty billion. Losing fifteen to twenty million of that would be like a drop in the ocean. It would not even register on the Richter scale.

The CIA's primary objective is the collection of information on foreign governments, corporations, and individuals. It would not receive any alerts about nuclear threats. NORAD would. Nor would it receive threats about hijackings. The FAA and Homeland Security would. Nor would it receive bulletins about hackings. The FBI's Computer Crimes Task Force would. Essentially, the CIA collects intelligence. Post-2004, the Intelligence Reform and Terrorism Prevention Act has created new priorities for the CIA. To cope with these, a new office for the Director of National Intelligence (DNI) has been created.

The CIA is regularly referred to as "The Company". While it has also been known as "The Agency", this tends to be the nickname for the NSA also, which might cause confusion.

There is no such thing as the President of the United Kingdom. It's the Prime-Minister.

I will come back later to give you a more in-depth critique, but I like the story so far.

I think Fuhr, that the bottom line with Sam's comments is research yoru topic before you expound on it. Try this, write about a smaller conflict within the huge story you have started here. Localize the conflict to yoru country and educate all of us who don't live in your country aobut how it works, in other words, write from what you know first. Then study a bit to get yoru dtails right and then tell me a story about how the conflict in your country fits in with the rest of the world conflict. I would be interested in seeing your response to this.