Thread: Fairytale in Reverse

This is the Prologue to the current piece I'm working on. It's called Fairytale in Reverse because the things you would usually find in a Fairytale, such as witches and fairies, are the opposite to what they normally are...
It's quite hard to explain, but if you read the first couple of chapters (that I will also post if I get enough interest) it will explain everything...

So here you go.

***

Her 'tropical sunset glow' ringlets tumbled over her shoulders, as she clambered off the swing in the middle of her rather large, slightly overgrown garden. Evergreen hedges ran either side of where she stood, all the way down to the faded brown picket fence three quarters of the way down the garden.

"Annabell," her mother called from the house, "Annabell, are you out there?"

"Yes mummy..." she shouted back, but as she turned to run back towards the house, something caught her attention.Down at the bottom of the garden, past the picket fence - past where she was allowed to go - a faint silver glow had appeared.

The hedges that surounded Annabell seemed to close in as she stared at the glow. At just over six foot tall, they blocked out most of the summer sun, apart from the few specks that managed to escape the living filter. They gave the garden a dark, mystical feel, and thats why Annabell loved it so much. She could let her imagenation run wild and no one could tell he off for it, but they scared her now.

"You know you want to Annabell," whispered a voice whispered in the wind.

"Mummy says I'm not allowed down there," her voice shook in fear.

A slight breeeze ruffled her ginger curls. It made her shiver, despite the heat of the sun.

"We're your friends Annabell, come play with us," the voice whispered again.

"Errm... I'll go ask mummy..." she said quietly, turning her back.

"No!" the voice said with more power, "You won't be gone that long. Your mummy won't even notice."

The voice was chillingly sweet, like the leaves of the nettle plants she had grown so accustomed to, soft like velvet but it stings when rubbed the wrong way. It rang through her; chilled her to the bone. She wanted to run to her mummy, she wanted her mummy to tell her everything was going to be alright. But something in her wanted to meet her new friends. To see them. To play with them.

She walked towards the silver glow. Taking each step slowly, she finally reached the fence. Placing her hands up against it, she looked through the gaps in the panneling longingly.

"Come on Annabell, we're your friends. Please come play."

There was a small gap in the end of the fence, Annabell had been thorugh there a few weeks before, and her mother had shouted at her, but there was no other way through, and she wanted to meet her new friends.

She clambered over the brambles and broken branches that were by the fence, untill she reached the small hole. It was a tight squeeze, but she fit through. As she got to the other side, the silver glow seemed to grow in strength, the closer she got, the brighter it got.

It wasn't as far to the end of the garden as Annabell first thought, as she got closer, the glow continued to get brighter. Brighter and brighter untill she could no longer see clearly. But the second she was within reaching distance, the glow just... disappeared.

As her eyes readjusted to the light, Annabell looked towards where the glow came from. An ear piercing screech escaped from her lips.

"You shouldn't have come here Annabell!"

***

Hope you liked it.

Beth xx

Originally Posted by fantasy girl

This is the Prologue to the current piece I'm working on. It's called Fairytale in Reverse because the things you would usually find in a Fairytale, such as witches and fairies, are the opposite to what they normally are...
It's quite hard to explain, but if you read the first couple of chapters (that I will also post if I get enough interest) it will explain everything...

So here you go.

***

Her 'tropical sunset glow' ringlets tumbled over her shoulders(great description) , as she clambered off the swing in the middle of her rather large, slightly (it could do without the slightly) overgrown garden. Evergreen hedges ran either side of where she stood, all the way down to the faded brown picket fence three quarters of the way down the garden.

"Annabell," her mother called from the house, "Annabell, are you out there?"

"Yes mummy..." she shouted back, but as she turned to run back towards the house, something caught her attention.Down at the bottom of the garden, past the picket fence - past where she was allowed to go - a faint silver glow had appeared.

The hedges that surounded Annabell seemed to close in as she stared at the glow. At just over six foot tall, they blocked out most of the summer sun, apart from the few specks that managed to escape the living filter. They gave the garden a dark, mystical feel, and thats why Annabell loved it so much. She could let her image(i)nation run wild and no one could tell he(r) off for it, but they scared her now. (this one doesn't seem to belong here, too abrupt)

"You know you want to Annabell," whispered a voice whispered in the wind.

"Mummy says I'm not allowed down there," her voice shook in fear. (the fear could start here, but not enough to make her too scared)

A slight breeeze ruffled her ginger curls. It made her shiver, despite the heat of the sun.

"We're your friends Annabell, come play with us," the voice whispered again.

"Errm... I'll go ask mummy..." she said quietly, turning her back.

"No!" the voice said with more power, "You won't be gone that long. Your mummy won't even notice."

The voice was chillingly sweet, like the leaves of the nettle plants she had grown so accustomed to, soft like velvet but it stings when rubbed the wrong way. It rang through her; chilled her to the bone. She wanted to run to her mummy, she wanted her mummy to tell her everything was going to be alright. But something in her wanted to meet her new friends. To see them. To play with them.

She walked towards the silver glow. Taking each step slowly, she finally reached the fence. Placing her hands up against it, she looked through the gaps in the pann(one n) eling longingly. (longingly sounds awkward, try the basic: she looked through the paneling; she longed for it.)

"Come on Annabell, we're your friends. Please come play."

There was a small gap in the end of the fence, Annabell had been thorugh there a few weeks before, and her mother had shouted at her, but there was no other way through, and she wanted to meet her new friends.

She clambered over the brambles and broken branches that were by the fence, untill she reached the small hole. It was a tight squeeze, but she fit through. As she got to the other side, the silver glow seemed to grow in strength, the closer she got, the brighter it got.

It wasn't as far to the end of the garden as Annabell first thought, as she got closer, the glow continued to get brighter. Brighter and brighter untill she could no longer see clearly. But the second she was within reaching distance, the glow just... disappeared.

As her eyes readjusted to the light, Annabell looked towards where the glow came from. An ear piercing screech escaped from her lips.

"You shouldn't have come here Annabell!"

***

Hope you liked it.

Beth xx

It was an interesting idea, though I hadn't really seen what you'd term as reverse, maybe i'd see it in your future postings.

Great tension. It made me forget that I was critiquing it at the moment.

The conflict was accurately portrayed, the succumbing to temptation, and the struggle was good. It depends on your market though. but this would be something i'd enjoy telling my nieces and my little sister.

a side note though if you were writing in MS word try to highlight all adverbs (ly) be careful about them. if you could make it into a different sentence. then do it. Also shifting your sentences from long, then short would break the tension of the long sentences. That's all and continue writing.

Thanks DJ, this is helpfull. Yeah, you don't find out the 'reverse' bit untill the beginning of the second chapter...

Thanks for the crit, I'll post more next wednesday

Okayy, so I said I would post more of this, then kind of never did... If I get a few more critiques I will post some more, I am still working on this, and still need all the help I can on this

Hiya FG

There's something quite sinister, disturbing even, about this piece. I think that feeling comes from the ending, the way whatever has drawn her disappeared when she reached it, as though quite deliberately tricking her, followed by her scream, and by the final piece of speech from whoever called her: 'You shouldn't have come here, Annabell.'

I hope what follow lives up to what this cliffhanger promises.

If I were writing this there were one or two things I might have done differently. First, the following piece: "No!" the voice said with more power, "You won't be gone that long. Your mummy won't even notice." And then, The voice was chillingly sweet. There seems to be a contradiction between the sternness of a powerful 'No,' and the description of the voice as sweet. At the same point of the story, I would have refrained from the voice barking 'No,' like that. It seemed too early to frighten Annabell, if it were me I'd have bolted into the safety of the house at this point. It might serve the story better for the voice to encourage Annabell at this point, to coax her - I'm thinking The Childcatcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang for some reason - children are naive, innocent and trusting, and so it shouldn't take much for her to be tempted, though equally it shouldn't take much for her to be frightened away. The voice needs to tread carefully or risk losing its prey, in a manner of speaking.

Maybe some tension could be added by Annabell looking back towards her house as she is about to breach the fence, the line she mustn't cross. Afterall, she has been caught doing so before and might fear the consequences if she is caught once more.

In some places it seems a little ungainly. Sometimes using fewer words can be effective in making it easier to read, improving the flow. Take the following paragraph for example:

She clambered over the brambles and broken branches that were by guarding the fence. untill she reached the small hole. It was a tight The gap was small, though she squeezed but she fit through, and As she got to reaching the other side the silver glow seemed to grew in strength. The closer she got, the brighter it became.

The paragraph's word count is down by a quarter, and, in my opinion, reads more fluidly, yet you don't lose any information, the story is untouched.

Sometimes strong words can be effective; compare the use of guarded, which compliments your description of brambles and broken branches. Juxtapose the two and it seems like quite a task to get over them to reach the fence.

I hope some of these things are of use to you.

And I really do like that last line.

Good luck with this.

Scott

Thanks Scott. This helps alot

Hey not sure how helpful I can be considering the deep comments so far! But here goes =) really liked the set up, I thought it was quite traditional for the 'girl tempted into dangerous faerie realm' story in a good way, especially if you're putting a twist on it in the coming chapters.

all the way down to the faded brown picket fence three quarters of the way down the garden

I thought this could be rephrased maybe, repetition is something I harp on about to people just because I don't like it in my own work. I kinda agree with Bilston about the forceful "no" I think it could stay but considering the fact that the readers/listeners know that the voice is a bad idea it would even add to the suspense if it continued to be chillingly charming perhaps: "'Anabelle,' it cooed softly".

Hiya!

Right, you'll have to forgive me, it's been nearly a year since I wrote a formal crit AND this one's my first on these boards (yay you!), so I believe it will be short.

I love the concept (I love anything with fairy tale) and I'm rather excited to see how you execute it. Definitely something I want to see more of, and I'm a little disappointed you didn't keep to the deadline you set for yourself, because I only got to read round about 400 words.

Two small notes about word choice. First, "soft like velvet" is a cliche, and as writers every single one of us is capable of writing words that are prettier on the ear and more exciting on the mind. Write your words, not some old dead guy's!

Second, please stop talking about her "'tropical sunset glow' ringlets" and her "ginger curls". They were mentioned twice in 250 words. That's a lot. Besides which, "tropical sunset glow" puts me in a mindset of dyed hair - I'm sure Herbal Essences will come out with a pinky-orangey-red hair dye by that name any minute now - and this little girl seems too young to be dying her hair already. If you want to further describe her, great places to focus would be things that she can see herself, as it seems that this will be a pretty close third person p.o.v. Try describing chubby hands or short fingers, feet in little white patent mary-janes, or heck, even the hanging strap of her ratty old overalls she wears.

I look forward to more!

Hello, and thankyou everyone Your comments are greatly apreciated.

Well here goes, this is chapter 1. Yes, I know there is alot of speech, but no matter how much I try I can't cut it down. It's pretty long too...

Chapter 1

Anna’s fiery ringlets hung about her eyes, mirroring the fire that raged in the hearth. She had her Ipod playing as she snuggled in her favourite armchair with her favourite book. It was falling apart now, but it was her father's, so she didn't want to throw it out and she certainly didn't want to stop reading it. Her mum was shouting at her but she wasn't listening, she never did, but she knew that if it gets too bad she could always go see them, she could always go down to her secret spot at the end of the garden...

It had been eleven years since that day. Eleven years since the day she met her true friends. She had 'normal' friends, but she didn't care much for them. All they wanted to do was go out and party, and have girly sleepovers and gossip about boys and how good looking they were. But that wasn't what Anna liked to do. She liked to go to the bottom of the garden, sitting with her real friends drawing and writing magical stories to seduce and take the reader into the world she knows.

She was scared. Her friends scared her. But they were the only ones who understood her and they knew what she was going through, moreover they knew how hard it was to not be accepted; to be an outcast. They had always been there for Anna, through thick and thin. They understood what she was going through when her dad died; they were there for her when her mother wasn't. She didn't care that they scared her, she just wanted to be accepted, and well... her friends accepted her.

"Anna!" Her mother shouted, ripping one of the earphones out of her ear.

"Yes mum?" she replied frustrated.

"You've got coursework to do, so put the book down and get it done before dinner."

"Yes mother." But she couldn't concentrate on coursework right now, for she had more pressing matters on her mind; like the new guy at school. He was different. Strange. He wasn't like the others.

She went upstairs and into her room. Her mother wouldn't disturb her there, the room scared her. It was dark, with dark drawings on the walls. The thick curtains always closed and the only light was a small nightlight on her bedside table. It disturbed her; how could such a bright little child fall into the traps of darkness?

She fired up her laptop; apart from school, it was the only thing that kept her in contact with the real world. It was the only way she could stop herself from running away with the fairies, that and her mother. She loved her, she wasn't over her father’s death yet, and she couldn't just leave. Her mother needed her now, more than ever.

She started up her internet browser, and logged onto Facebook. Maybe she could find some information about the new guy.

4 notifications; 1 friends request; Inbox (1)

She laughed to herself as she read the message,

Hi Annabell, it's Regi, the new guy from school...
I didn't really introduce myself today, and that was rather rude of me.
I was wondering if you wanted to... errm... maybe meet up tomorrow.
I don't mind...
You seemed nice today... I suppose I just want to get to know you a bit...

R x

The friends request was also from Regi. She was puzzled, why would he want to get to know her? He was the shiny new toy; he could have any girl he wanted... did he not realise that getting to know Anna was going to ruin his chances of getting to know the other kids?

"But you wanted to find out more about him Anna," Whispered a voice in the wind.

"I know... but there’s something about him," she whispered, "something doesn't feel... right."

"Get to know him Anna, you know you want to."

Heyy Regi,
Errm... I'm busy tomorrow... is tonight alright?

Anna xx

She pressed Send and went into the bathroom. She turned the 'hot' tap on full and within minutes her bath was full. She locked the door and slipped out of her black skinny jeans and red polo neck sweater. She climbed in and let the hot water relax her muscles; she sank until just her face was above the water.

After a nice long soak, Anna got out of the bath. She dried her hair and got dressed, and then she went back to her laptop. There was another message from Regi.

Thanks for the reply,

And yes, tonight’s alright. Can you get down to town tonight? 'Cause I'm already down there.

R x

"You can get to town Anna," Whispered the voice again

"What about my mum? She might not let me."

"We can take care of her for you."

"No!" Anna almost shouted, "No, I'll tell her I'm meeting the girls down there because we have an art project to do. She told me to go do coursework."

"Good idea."

Yeah, I can get into town.
Meet me at the Memorial garden opposite the castle in 45 mins.

Anna xx

Her Converse were at the end of her bed, they were limited edition; black with Graffiti on them. She pulled them on, grabbed her rucksack so her story would be believable enough, and she ran down the stairs.

"Mum, I'm going out!" she hollered.

"I told you to do your coursework!"

"I am, I'm going into town with the girls to do our Art project, and I’ll get something to eat while I’m out." She sounded confident, believable.

"Okay hun, back by ten!"

And with that, she slammed the front door behind her and jogged down the garden path.

Don't do anything stupid, a voice rung in her head, but she ignored it and carried on down the path.

*****

"What can I get you Annabell?" Said a short and fat, dark skinned man as she walked into the Fish and Chip shop.

"It's Anna!" she said sharply, looking at the menu, "and just a portion of chips please Joe."

"Yes, of course Anna,"

"They'll be about three minutes," shouted Serena, Joe’s daughter, from behind the fryer a few meters behind the counter.

She went and sat at the little bench at the end of the counter.

What if he doesn't like me? She wondered. Why do I even care!? I don't even know him. Why do I care if he likes me or not?

She'd been staring at him all day. There was something about him... he was different. All day Clara and her 'posse' had been all over him, but he hadn't paid attention at all. He just ignored them. He didn't talk to the other guys in the class, or flirt with any of the girl; he'd just sat in the corner doing his work. Even in Drama he'd just sat on the stairs... but then he was scribbling in a notepad, writing? Drawing?

Anna looked at her watch, she had to be at the Memorial Garden is twenty minutes. She had plenty of time.

"Anna, your chips are ready."

She handed Joe the money, salted her chips, and then walked out the door.

She decided to take the quiet route to the Garden; through the lower park. A thick roof of woven willow branches sheltered the path from the bright, setting sun. As she walked and ate, she turned her ipod on. She watched mindlessly as a group of ducklings followed their mother up the river. One big happy family. She followed them until they waddled up the bank of the river and settled on a heaped pile of leaves; home.

Ten minutes later she was sitting in the Garden. It was an amazing view. Sitting upon the hill looking over the town as the sun slowly sank behind the horizon. The skyline was awe inspiring, seeing across so much open land, so many fields and villages. Colchester wasn't that bad, not when you looked at it like this.

"Anna?" said a deep voice from behind her. "Anna, are you alright?"

She hadn't noticed the tears running down her face. The last time she watched the sunset like this, she was with her dad.

"Yeah," she said, wiping the tears away with the back of her sleeve, "yeah, I'm fine."

Regi smiled, revealing a set of pearly white, perfectly even teeth. The Smile twinkled in his eyes that peeped from behind his black curly hair.

"You probably think I'm a right weirdo." He stated, sitting next to her. As he settled, he looked towards the sunset; his Jade green eyes catching its reflection.

Anna didn't reply.

"You didn't have to come if you didn't want to, you know."

She just stared towards the setting sun. "It's beautiful isn't it? We think everything is just... what we usually see it as; it's as if we think things don't change. But the sun, it changes every day..." she trailed off. "I'm sorry. It’s just..."

"There's nothing to apologise for," Regi continued to look towards the horizon, "because you're right. The view is amazing from up here; mesmerising."

"And to answer your question... yes I do think you're a weirdo, but weirdo’s are good... they make me feel slightly more normal." She laughed without humour. "Why did you want me to meet you?"

"I don't know really. You just seem different from the other girls in school... you weren't all over me for a start. And you seem to keep your distance from all the other kids."

"It's easier that way. If I don't make friends, I can't hurt them."

Confused, Regi asked "So why did you agree to meet me?"

She sat in silence for a while, pondering over her answer. "I don't know really. You just seemed different from the other guys in school..." they both laughed, "you weren't all over Clara for a start. And it's almost as if I can’t hurt you."

They both sat there. The silence wasn't awkward; they both seemed to like the quiet.

"You don't make friends easily do you, Anna." Regi said some time later, but it wasn't a question, it was a statement.

"And you would know this from knowing me all of," she looked at her watch, "twelve hours... clever!"

"I'm Psychic!" he joked, rubbing his temple with his index finger.

They both started laughing.

"I haven't been this happy in a long time, Regi. You don't even know me, yet you can be yourself... how?"

"Because we're a lot more alike than you think."

He stood up. For the first time, Anna noticed what he was wearing; dark jeans, a dark leather jacket, a white shirt and black leather shoes. Sophisticated but casual Anna found herself admiring his dress sense. The sun caught something shiny on his chest. Around his neck hung a gold laced dark jade amulet, on a black leather thong.

"Now come on," he continued, "I want to show you something."

He pulled Anna up by her outstretched arm, and all but dragged her across the park, taking her towards what used to be Hollytrees Museum. She thought she knew where he was taking her, but he ran straight past the museum. He ran down past the park, in front of the Cafe, down the hill and through the gate by the little cottage. Then he slowed to a walk.

"And where are you taking me?" Anna asked, out of breath.

"You seem to think a lot... and I just want to show you a little place where I like to come and think."

"How do you know so much about me?" she asked again.

"As I said, I can read people easily."

"You actually said you were Psychic..."

"Well... Same thing really." they both laughed. "Now which way do you want to go?"

"If I knew where we were going it would be a lot easier to answer that."

"This way it is then!" He said running up the path behind the Roman wall.

Anna decided she was going to walk this time, and it took nearly five minutes to catch up to Regi.

When she finally caught up to him she was confused. They were in a field randomly dotted with trees, and Regi was sitting on the lowest branch of the nearest tree. She'd lived in Colchester all her life and she had no idea that this part of the park existed.

She slowly walked up to the tree, and climbed onto the branch next to Regi. "I come here on a night," he started, "it helps me think. No one ever comes down here, so it's really quiet."

"Why did you bring me here?" Anna asked. "Why did you show me it if it's your place?"

"Because you need it a lot more than I do." Anna was about to speak, but he carried on. "There's something about you Anna Turner... something you don't tell people. A secret that’s not yours to tell."

The pair sat in the tree joking about life, and how crappy it could be sometimes. They got to know each other, and Anna liked that. She had a friend that wasn't on of them. A friend that she couldn't hurt. A friend who she could trust.

I can't critique your peice without being very very rude. I apologize in advance.

There is a lot of sexual tension in your prose. There are certainly a lot of references to such, whether intentional or not.

I like your peice, it is very honest and straight forward. Honesty is something missing from literature these days. Good job and keep writing.