Thread: Chthon :Sun God:

Okay so this is a revamp of my "Book of Chthon" story, totally redone. New characters and everything, different and yet same concept too.





Alyx Valentino thought he was an ordinary guy, living in a quiet town that could use some shaking up. fate leads him to a book that in overtime will allow him to read its black pages. Esme, last of the Avatars must find the Sun God and have him submit to the powers of Chthon, however things become serious when a stranger finds him first. Whoever invokes hte power of the Sun on the Equinox will control the power over life and death.

Chapter 1: Submit

And then there was only darkness…the power of night engulfed the day in silence as Esmeralda Cortex juggled her way through the barren streets of Seattle. She had caramel skin, long flowing gypsy-like hair, and emerald eyes that reflected the streetlights. She quickly turned the corner as the sounds of whispers echoed all around her. She began to see more trees than buildings; soon after, demonic voices replaced the whispers and sought entry inside her head.

The more she fought, the weaker she felt, losing sight on what else to do. Unable to find the hidden source of it all, it was then she encountered fire. The hot burning flames started to spread, consuming any and everything in its path. Hands reached out from the fire, causing Esme to wake up from her slumber. She looked around, finding herself in her own room, dripping with cold sloppy sweat from her forehead.

MONDAY MORNING BEFORE school, the sweet smell of apples baked in the oven in Esme’s kitchen. She thought maybe cooking and some hot coco would take her mind off of things from the night before.

“Something’s wrong,” said Dahāl, looking at her with his brown eyes.

“Nothing…just a rough night that’s all,” said Esme. Dahāl was the one that gave Esmeralda her nickname Esme because he felt it was too long and thought Esme gave it a bit more flavor.

“Riiight. You do know you’re lying right now right?” he told her. Esme was amazed at Dahāl’s innate sixth sense aptitude. “If you’re gonna lie to me at least lie to me good.” She chuckled and took another sip of her coco when the alarm sound from her oven beeped. She placed her cup down and grabbed the hand mitten that was next to her to open the hot oven. Heat rushed out once the door was open; Esme grabbed and pulled out the tray, laying them down on the stove before closing the oven door.

“Last night I had a vision…nightmare, something. Just felt so real,” she told him.

“Strange, you haven’t had a vision in a while. And I haven’t felt anything outside the ordinary,” said Dahāl.

“Yeah but before we get to that and while letting these cool, it’s time, you ready?” she asked.

“As I’ll ever be,” he said, grabbing his book that was sitting on the counter. Dahāl had dark skin, Mohawk hairstyle what was mostly colored green with the tips being black. Esme and him became best friends during summer break, but didn’t discover his destiny till the semester started. She brought him into her room,

“LET THE OBJECT of possession be only my reflection,” said Esme, casting a spell in front of her closet. She then snapped her finger and opened the door,

“WoW, and you’re telling me I will be able to do that?” he asked. She smiled and answered,

“You already can.” They entered and at first there was nothing, but emptiness and then suddenly the room brighten with a glowing obelisk in the center. It wasn’t even a closet anymore, but a full on add-on to the house itself. Around the obelisk were five marble chairs.

“This is ‘The Lair,’ it’s where we’ll most likely have our meetings. It is secluded and protected,” she said. Dahāl kept looking around giving Esme a chance to grab her the Book of Chthon lying in the middle chair. The book had a black leather cover with symbol of an upside down pentagon and upright pentagon as one in the center. She opened it up to flipped through the pages finding the passage she wanted and then closed the book and placed it back. “I Esme, last of the Avatars hereby welcome you Dahāl Iliad into the religion of Chthon.”

Dahāl approached the obelisk and handed Esme his book in which she grabbed and placed it in her left hand.

“Do you Dahāl submit to the teachings of Chthon, to live, eat, breath, and abided its laws?”

“I do, I swear to the will of Chthon. I will commit to it and it alone,” answered Dahāl.

“Teleporté aggerday,” chanted Esme as a dagger appeared in her free hand. “Sign in blood and accept the responsibilities of toward—your Earth Book & Covenant.” When Dahāl took the dagger and pricked his thumb, Esme opened up to the first or second page of the Earth Book. In it was a list of black thumbprints going in the hundreds. Dahāl saw the last print and pressed his bloody thumb next to it, feeling a surge of newfound energy flowing in him now. Esme then handed him the book and said, “You are here by iniciated into Chthon. Peace be to you.”

“Peace be to you. Niiice, the Earth Book of Chthon,” said Dahāl excitedly. He started bouncing up and down.

“Dahāl, I’ve been meaning to tell you that last night,” she continued, “I want to share this vision with you—see what I have seen.”

Both Dahāl and Esme approached the glowing obelisk as she turned the pages in the Book of Chthon. Once the page was found she began chanting in Latin,

“Goddess Hekate, guardian of magic I beseech thee. Os turpis trans naked oculus, permissum visum exsisto seen quod partis inter vos quod.” Both Dahāl and Esme hands connected as a jolt of images forced their way into Dahāl’s head of that night. However to Esme surprise, the vision extended further showing a book with the symbol of the sun on it being shrouding in darkness and the sun itself crossing directly over the Earth’s equator. The ending of that repelled the two apart from each other.

“Wh…whoa. What the hell was that?” asked Dahāl, stunned.

“I don’t know. There was more to the vision than I dreamt. You had a nightmare too!” she said to him.

“So my sixth sense picked up on a few things,” he admitted.

“This is no time to hold back. It’s a warning of what’s to come. Something is after the Sun Book,” confirmed Esme.

You could, of course, always run through your work in a word processor? Fix up the spelling errors at the very least, then post the work?

It's a little too fast, but since I'm a draggy person... Work on characterization a little more? Perhaps a little background on where are we and a little indication of the surrounding story?

Originally Posted by Newnonel

You could, of course, always run through your work in a word processor? Fix up the spelling errors at the very least, then post the work?

It's a little too fast, but since I'm a draggy person... Work on characterization a little more? Perhaps a little background on where are we and a little indication of the surrounding story?

Thanks Newnonel. lol but it is only the first chapter. And I hate when people say that. Yes I used Microsoft Word, yes I did the editing including spelling and grammar myself. So sorry either A) I miss spelled it because it was spelled wrong, but as I read it, it I knew what I wanted in my head (freaky when that happens) or B) it seemed right to me lolol.

But yeah I'll admit it's fast and I don't think I'll get to it but there is a reason why. A part of it is that past history of writing tells me that people/readers don't like to be overwhelm with "information" in the first chapter so technically I'm taking it slow in that sense. Like any story it's a progression/lets see what happens kinda thing. And location wise I think I said they were in the kitchen then closet.

As I said, the initiation rite was too soon, too quick. That's what I feel of course. It is, after all, your work and you are, ultimately, its writer. Input you know?

Chapter 2: Vanderoth

Staring out the window, Alyx Valentino waited patiently for the bell to ring so that he could head over for lunch. He received word that his friend since elementary washed up on shore dead two nights ago. With still unanswered questions, school right now wasn’t really on his mind.

Alyx had blond hair that looked like gold, the prettiest hazel eyes ever, and white colored skin. Unlike some of his classmate he made sure he kept himself together and wasn’t pale as a ghost, tanning every two to three week was a must.

“Class attention, I have an announcement,” said Mr. Folk the science teacher. “I would like to introduce you to your new classmate…” A girl entered the room wearing a ruffled dark blue skirt with black stockings, dark blue boots, and a jacket to match. While wearing a gold necklace, she had long cotton candy purple hair and turquoise eyes. With some type of fancy ancient she said to everyone,

“How do you do? I am Kassady Vanderoth.” The entire classroom filled with whispering.

“Who is she?” asked Alyx and the person next to him answered,

“She’s Michael William James Vanderoth’s daughter of Vanderoth Industries. They make the latest electronics like the current ʌ-phone and ʌ-pod.” Alyx wondered what a girl like her was doing in this average town in Ashbee Hills, especially Loft High School. She started looking at everyone up and down, who is and isn’t worthy of her presence.

“Please, tell us where you are from?” asked Mr. Folk. You could tell he knew nothing about the girl’s family.

“Born in London England, but raised in New York City.”

“Ah well then, lets welcome our new student and—take a seat in front of Tuker over there,” said Mr. Folk, pointed to the empty seat.

Tuker sat three rows away from Alyx, seeing the guys’ sights jestered at the new girl like fresh meat brought the “guys are dog” level at a new time high. She didn’t acknowledge Tuker, but instead sat in her seat and flipped back her hair, flirty playfully.

“She’s probably some of those girls that gets any and everything on daddy’s card,” thought Alyx and without missing a beat she turned, directing her eyes only on Alyx as if she heard him. The glaring caused Alyx to drop his pencil in which it landed on the floor, but when he picked it back up her gaze was gone and the bell started ringing.

AFTER ENTERING HIS combination to his locker, Alyx began taking books he had from his morning classes and placed the ones he need for the afternoon into his bag.

“Hey hey!” Alyx popped out his head to see his best friend Suraya Murez standing next to him. She was in grade ten with him, jet-black hair that had blue streaks through it, stud piercing her left nostril, and an earring chain on the right ear and a silver ear cuff on the left. She was wearing cut up blue jeans, combat boots, and a black top in which she also had a pair of opera gloves.

“Sup,” greeted Alyx in a low tone.

“Look dude, I know you’re depress and all about Adam, but what you need is a little P to da O,” she told him.

“”P.O.?” he asked.

“Party On. At least come to the beach with me and some of the gang, we hardly see you anymore,” she said. Alyx was about to speak, but saw Kassady heading to her next class.

“Yo new girl! You can come to. And trust, not my invitation by all means,” said Suraya.

“New girl?” said Kassady, stopping. She approached Suraya and continued, “This new girl has a name. I would highly suggest you learn it.”

“And I would highly suggest you back the hell up. You don’t know me sweetie,” said Suraya, crossing her arms that were gloved. The black gloves with zigzag zippers traveled from her hands up to her elbow, “I rule this school.”

“And I can careless whether or not I do get to know you…hun,” said Kassady. Her body now faced the direction he was original heading, but her head turned to look at Suraya one more time before walking, “consider yourself…dethroned.”

“Oh hell to the naw, bitch is going down. I repeat bitch is going down. Don’t know when, don’t know how, but her ass is mine believe it to the tenth power on that,” said Suraya. Alyx busted out laughing never seeing Suraya this ruffled, but then again, not to many girls would stand up to her.

“Look going back to your question, it’s too soon,” he complained.

“You’re my best friend and all, but you seriously need a breather. Just…think of it as clearing your head,” she tempted him.

The characterization was much better in chapter 2. Just keep looking for little mistakes, such as "se" instead of "see." Also, there are a lot of idiomatic errors in the first chapter, especially with your prepositions (e.g. "losing sight on what to do" instead of "losing sight of what to do"). The initiation right did come too quickly, I agree. Other than that, interesting concept; keep up the good work.

I read a little bit of this. Out of curiosity, have you done any research in how various Cultures worshipped the "Sun God"? I ask this because of the premise of the book being based on the belief in the Sun God. All ancient cultures have parallelistic beliefs in the "Sun God", only the name has changed. From Egypt to the Ancient Mayans.

This is just a bit of advice. Not sure how far you have gotten into this work of fiction.

@eclectic_specialist: Thank you. I'll try to correct those idiomatic errors myself, but again point them out to me if you keep seeing them. Because that will tell me it's a pattern going on (which I hope not). Going back with you and Newnonel and I'm sure others about the initiation right. I totally get and understand where you guys are coming from with that. It may seem fast or came too quickly and trust me I will go back to it within the story, but another reason why was the fact that I have done stories in the past where the character had to discover themselves and look for people like them so for this particular story I decided to what if I start off the story with the character already being initiated, already apart of something. So you know, trying to think outside the box of my comfort zone. What story you know actually has an initiation right the very first chapter I don't know my own self, but you get the picture lolol.


@SeattleGhostWriter: I do know of the various cultures so yes I am doing constant research. You will see bits and pieces of that in the story, so stay tune in. =P




Chapter 3: Into the Water

Suraya’s 2006 sour green and black Dodge Neon pulled up on the parking deck up above the sandy beach. Alyx walked down the staircase toward the sandy area below. He made a right turn once he reached the bottom. The beach itself wasn’t bare, people started to pack and unpack their belongings as the sun popped out from a lonely cloud. He finally felt the sun’s warming rays on him, giving an excuse to take his shirt off as he stopped for a minute. Alyx believe it or no had what people would say “good genes.” He was naturally in great shape, strong body and well built for a person that doesn’t hit the gym all the time.

Alyx continued walking in search of his friend,

“Ah!” he shouted, knocking into a woman that was in his path of walking. “Sorry,” he said sympathetically. He was able to stand up on his own, trying to assist the fallen woman, but froze as she stood up. She looked at him with eyes that were glowing cloudy white in a zombie-like state. Alyx backed away when he noticed something behind the woman that wasn’t thee before…or so he thought.

There was a fire…bonfire with stones shaped in weird red upright triangles. People started to gather and dance around these stones that held the fire in place. These people had skin dark as night, symbolic chalk white tattoos of tribal designs covered their bodies, and they too had the same glowing cloudy eyes as the woman. The woman joined them in this tribal dance barefoot, pounding the sand like a drum as they chant in unison,

“Nam Myoho Rengé Kyo! Nam Myoho Rengé Kyo!” The repeated this chant over again as if praising the fire, breams from the sun seem to shine directly onto the bonfire, catching the attention of Alyx. Alyx got closer, witnessing the glorious bonfire dancing along with them as it tossed and turned. Alyx couldn’t take his eyes off of the ruling flame as he approached mesmerized by what was in front of him. When he was more inside the beams, he felt this warmth inside of him intertwining with his essence. He found himself right next to the bonfire, his hazel eyes catching the reflection of something deep within the fire…an eye of some sort.

At first what looked to be an eye transcended into an object and yet it wasn’t burning. It spoke to him, a bond of ancient words he felt from this object and not the bonfire. Without realizing it, he had reached out for this object that kept calling to him. The fire that burned felt not hot, but cool to the touch of his skin as it wrapped around his fingers, inviting him in. He dug in fully…

“ALYX!” SHOUTED SURAYA. Alyx jumped with a shocking jolt, finding himself inside Suraya’s car. “You were mumbling in your sleep; besides we’re here at the beach now.” Alyx looked out the window, seeing that they were on the parking deck next to some stairs that would take them down to the sandy beach floor.

“Didn’t we…”

“What?’ she asked him.

“Nothing,” he said, voice trailing off.

“You alright?” I mean, if I pushed you coming here we can—”

“No! I…just don’t like the water remember,” he said while cutting her off with his sentence.

Suraya shook it off and as she stepped out of the car, she headed down the stairs to see if they were the only ones that up. Alyx ran his fingers through his golden blond hair, considering everything he thought he’d saw nothing more that guilt for being out while his friend is dead in a dark room somewhere. He reached down to recline his seat back u, but instead pulled out a book. The book was sandy brown with both the top and bottom of its thick spin shaded in black. His fingers traced the sun symbol centered on the cover feeling this eight being lifted off of him as light came down on him like rain.

Within his next blink, Alyx found himself falling as the wind pushed hard against his body s he feel straight into the ocean. Alyx was being tossed back and forth and the current darted and rushed at him. Panic hit him hard than the crashing water as it pulled him down under.

“Help! Somebody help!” shouted people on the shoreline. A lifeguard dove in, allowing the current to take him instead of wresting with it. He swam down deeper into the water and grabbed Alyx by shirt and then his arms, pulling him up to the surface before grabbing his chest. The current soon died down and the lifeguard easily maneuvered over back to the shore.

The lifeguard dragged Alyx’s body out of the water and laid him down. He started to do CPR as he pressed his lips upon Alyx’s, breathing life back into his lungs. Within seconds, Alyx started coughing up excess water.

“Is he alright?” asked Suraya, pushing through the crowd.

“He’ll be fine,” said the lifeguard, looking at him with a smile. “I’m Dwan by the way.” Both his and Alyx’s eyes met, realizing Dwan was still close and over him.

“Wow,” said Suraya in aw when Alyx suddenly puked all over Dwan from the water he had swallowed.

“AW dude sick!” yelled Dawn in disgust, covered in God-knows what. Whatever it was, Alyx knew he did not eat carrots this morning. Alyx wiped his mouth using his wet sleeve and stood up by himself. However he got up too fast and fell back down as Suraya caught him in time. Suraya stuck out her tongue, not realizing how heavy he was.

“Whoa, baby steps,” she recommended, helping him to stand. She took him over to an empty spot on the beach, sitting him down. “You were not kidding about the water thing were you?” she said jokingly. “Hey, what’s that?” she asked him, raising his hand that held the book tightly gripped.

Chapter 4: Fire inside Me

“I don’t know, I—” Alyx trailed off, examining the book. He saw how it was completely dry like the sand that surrounded them. He opened it and started flipping through pages, but found nothing but blank pages. Suraya looked down at the book and then back at him.

“Shouldn’t it be all…wet and stuff?” she asked.

“Yeah, you’re right.”

“Better yet, how the hell did you beat me?” she asked him.

“Beat you?” he said puzzling.

“How did you get in the water without me seeing you. I was at the bottom of the stairs remember,” she continued. Alyx thought about it and couldn’t come up with his own explanation of one minute being in Suraya’s car, the next sucking up ocean water.

After he was all dried up, night soon fell when Suraya drove Alyx home. The streetlights came on by the time the Dodge pulled into the driveway.

“You sure you’re alright?” asked Suraya, putting the car in park.

“I’m good,” he answered. She started chewing her bottom lip before saying,

“Ohhhh K. Hey check it, that kid in my math class…Dahāl —” Alyx grabbed Suraya’s arm,

“Dahāl Iliad!”

“Yeah your crush,” she said.

“I do not have a crush on him. Oh how dare you,” said Alyx, while removing his had.

“Anyways, He’s having a little trouble in math so I suggested he see you for a little one on one tutoring,” she continued.

“You didn’t?” said Alyx shockingly.

“Of course I did. Heyyy. I’m telling you this now so when he actually talks with you, you on the other hand won’t think it was the grace of God having something to do with this,” she said.

Suraya drove off into the night, while Alyx closed the front door behind him. He started hearing a voice in the kitchen, seeing that it was his older sister Melody Volgërri [Vull-Gary] flipping through a magazine.

“How was the waves?” she asked, able to pick up the salt water that lingered on him. She had mix of dark and blonde hair, same hazel eyes as him, but a tight fitted figure. She usually spends most of her time going to go-sees as she started her modeling career a year ago at Daff Management.

“You heard?” he asked, walking more into the kitchen.

“Duh, I do go to the same school you go to ya know,” she told him. She scooped up a towel, heading for the dishes and started drying the clean ones off. Alyx went over to help by washing off the rest.

“Where’s Dad?” asked Alyx.

“Late shift remember.” He had almost forgot after glancing at the message board on the frig.

“Listen, Adam’s mom called. She said his autopsy is scheduled two days from now,” informed Melody. After she said that, there was nothing, but silence.

When they finished up the with the dishes, Melody headed over toward the island,

“Hey, what’s this?” she asked him. Alyx dried his hands and turned his head seeing his sister holding the book he had discovered.

“I um, found it on the beach. Must be some empty journal or something,” he told her as she stopped on a page.

“Empty? Then why there’s writing in it?” she asked. A puzzling look crossed Alyx face, he lean over her shoulder seeing for himself that she was right, there staring at him was writing, but it wasn’t there when he was at the beach…was it?

“Freaky,” she mumbled.

“Why you say that?” he asked.

“C’mon, like anyone can read this shiz.”

“What do you mean?” he pressed.

“It’s written in gibberish. Some kind of language I’ve never seen before,” she explained. The Sun power in which burns the night by shinning its light.

“You kidding right? The Sun, power in which burns the night by shining its light. Not that hard sis,” confronted Alyx.

“You can actually read this?” she asked him.

“Yes. You mean to tell me that you honestly can’t?

“Yeppers,” she said closing the book and slapping it on his chest, “But then again you are and always swill be a freakizoid so it’s perfect for you…Alyxstosci [Alex-Stoss-C]. Once that last word left the tip of your tongue, Melody bolted at quick speed from the kitchen, pass the living room, up the stairs with Alyx close behind and into her room, closing the door as Alyx banged on it, missing her by a second.

“Dammed Melody! Told you a thousand times to NOT call me by my full name. He placed his ear on her door and heard nothing, but laughter. He kicked the door once before heading to his room. A sigh of relief beamed on his face, the sight of his room seemed to give him peace of mind. The walls were covered in old vintage paper with pictures of the 1930’s featuring cars, trains, and flying machines. His queen size bed was sectioned in the middle of his room, to your left was his closet and to the right was a wall that had pictures posted up of past and present friends.

Alyx placed the book on is desk, but then out of curiosity picked it back up and began surfing through it. He couldn’t understand what his sister was talking about. He could read what little was there just fine. The Sun, master of fire, ruler of the directional South.

“The Sun, master of fire, ruler of the directional South,” he started reading out loud. As he read further, light like before came down on him like snow, but was falling up not down. Alyx soon found himself falling once more, landing in the ocean’s waters.

Alyx was able to swim to shore this time. However, by the time he reached the beach, the white snowflakes of light appeared on him again, now seeing he was lying on the floor in his room.

“What the hell is going on?” he asked. He stood up and took off the kelp that wrapped around his body. Alyx took off his wet clothing, replacing them with a white-T and sleeper shorts. Alyx was unable to wrap his head around the fact that this was the second time this had happen to him. To vanish and appear somewhere else…but this time he was able to come back to the place he had vanished, all happening when he holds the book in his hands. He went back to his the desk and poked at the book, making sure it was save. After summoning enough courage he picked the book back up and to his surprise, more writing seem to have been added.

“Sol solis Incendia…Sun Fire?” he spoke. “Powers of the Sun, let loose and set free. Ignite the intended fire for me.” Alyx continued to say the spell a few more times, but still nothing happened. “Powers of the…Sun? The sun isn’t out.” Alyx pulled open his drawer and grabbed a candle, setting it on his desk.

“Powers of Fire, let loose and set free. Ignite the intended candle for me!” he said, slowly lifting up his hands when a burst of fire blazed from the candle like from a flamethrower. Alyx quickly lunged over for his wet clothes and started dousing the fire with it.