fantasy girl

This is the first chapter to a novel I am writing. The book is going to be called Tabitha's Reascue. Hope youenjoy the read.


Tom was engulfed in darkness, he could feel the mossy grass beneath his feet, and as his eyes adjusted to the lack of moonlight he could make out a faded shadow in the skyline. The sight was strange and in the bottom of his stomach he felt that it would be a bad idea to get any closer. It was as if Tom couldn't help himself. Tom's feet started moving. One foot in-front of the other. He couldn't stop.

As the shadow drew closer it started to form shape. Different levels of what looked like buildings. 'It couldn't be' he thought to himself. He started walking again, this time forcing each step. The feeling in his stomach grew stronger as it got closer. But when he new getting closer would be an extremely bad idea, a piercing scream shattered the silence.

“Help me” A woman screamed “someone please help.”

Tom started running, the ground passing under his feet, determined to save this woman. Then, he stopped... He was stopped in his tracks by a wall.

While looking at the wall in a state of concentration, lots of things ran through his mind: 'Where am I? Why am I here? One minuet I was in the middle of know where the next I’m in front of a wall. As tall as the Eiffel tower and as big as the out skirts of a...'

“That’s it,” shouted Tom “the shadow I saw in the sky line. I was right. It was a city!”

She screamed again, this time it sounded all that much louder. He new he was getting close, but how could he get in? Tom started pacing round the city wall, over and over again, looking longingly for there to be an opening, a door. But nothing.

He slouched over, against the wall in shier exhaustion. ‘Crack.’ Jumping in surprise, surely his weight couldn’t have broken the wall; it was so big and compared to it he was so, small. Tom turned around and to his surprise the wall was gone, it vanished just like it had appeared.

The view was magnificent. With houses and flats, offices and other tall buildings, all made of pure crystal. Even the flowers were crystal they were so delicate. Tom still had that feeling in his stomach and now he knew why.

As he stepped into this lovely landscape the view slowly started to change: from this beautiful city of crystal, in to a small, cramped, dusty old room. It was dark and gloomy with only one small window, the type you got in old castles.

In the centre of the room was a woman tied to a chair, but before Tom could get a good look at her a man came in to view. He was tall with spindle like fingers, and then he turned around. Tom was horrified at the site he saw; his face was a charcoal black, like he had been burnt, but not by fire, by something else, something different.

As Tom was looking at the tall man, he heard a voice, “I Randal, Dark sorcerer of this crystal city,” he said “shall be king, and you Tabitha, will be nothing but a mere slave of my fortunes.” His voice was deep and sinister.

Tom tried to move closer to Randal and Tabitha but as he did he tripped over, ‘smash’ went a vase that he knocked of the side-bored. Along with the rest of the furniture, the side bored was made out of a varnished mahogany, with oak-effect piping. All the furniture was covered in dust, half an inch deep, with spider webs in the corners.

“Why would you want this city?” Asked Tabitha, trying to bribe herself out of the situation, “It’s a nightmare to keep clean, every finger print makes the place lo---“

“I don’t care about the tidiness of the place; all I want to do is sell al the crystal to the real worlders. Do you realise how much you would get for all this crystal?” Interrupted Randal in a more friendly tone.

“Sell it? Are you mad? Anyway what do you want with real worlder’s money, you can’t even convert it to Scamblite and even if you could, it would only be about 4SBT not even enough to buy a chocolate bar!”

“Well that doesn’t matter right now, does it, all I want is for you to give u-“

“Have I got this right?” Tabitha asked in a sarcastic manner “You want me to give up my crown, so you can sell all the crystal that belongs to the citizens of my kingdom?” she continued with even more sarcasm in her voice.

“Well yes that’s about it!” he replied.

“This is weird.” Tom said to himself quietly, but as he did, he coughed due to all the dust. The cough was loud, but the pair didn’t seem to bat an eyelid. To make sure tom wasn’t imagining things, he screamed so loud it made his throat hurt, but nothing. It was as if he didn’t exist, like he wasn’t there. How could this be, he was there, he walked all that way, he had heard the ---. In mid-thought Tom was distracted by another voice, this one sounded familiar though.

“Tom” said the voice, but he chose to ignore it.

“Tom” it sounded again, “Tom, your going to be late for school, get up!”

“Tom” shouted the voice, “Get out of bed NOW!”

He was awake. Glad to see the sight of his home.

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Crazed Scribe

Good introduction Nicely sets the scene.

My only concern is that you talk of his eyes adjusting to the lack of moonlight. But his eyes wouldn't have to adjust because it's not as if it was there for one second and then it wasn't. That night there just hadn't been any moonlight so there would be no need for his eyes to make an adjustment.


Short sentences are a tool used to create suspense. This might be better then, and sharper, if it were a sentence on its own.

This paragraph is basically a repeat of what's already happened. His slow movement; the suspensive dialogue and the innate feeling of foreboding. I would delete this, it doesn't add anything - a dead weight.


minute. nowhere.

To be honest I found this quite confusing, it took a couple of readings before I realised what happened. I think you're rely to heavily on tell here. Use description to show us what's happening. What's happening, then, might become clearer and there's a good chance of your writing being more effective this way.

Your character also seems to be doing a lot of talking to himself. I find this a little bit cliché. Let the reader inside his head, what is he really thinking and feeling?

This seems like an awfully big build up for what actually happens. Maybe a simple description might actually be more effective in this case? My opinion.

I don't know how he couldn't realise something was a city, even from the outline. Cities are quite distinctive.

sheer.

Side-board. Watch-out, you do this more than once but I'm only highlighting this one.

Instead of using the onomatopoeia, this might read better if you describe the shattering.

I don't understand how he's not been spotted, surely their attention would be drawn to him. I think more detail and time should be spent on this point.

Sorry but this completely destroys the tense atmosphere. It has the reader wondering if you're being serious.

Your villain doesn't seem to have much control over the situation. You might want to make him more vicious and controlling to give his character more of an edge.

I think this is great improvement from your previous piece of work. None of what i say is meant to insult or offend i only hope to help you. Keep it up

Good luck with your novel,
CS

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That is the truth. Not the hammer and sickle. Not the stars and stripes. Not the cross. Not the sun. Not gold. Not yin and yang. But the smile.

~ John Fowles, The Magus

fantasy girl

thanks CS, the bit about the villain not having much controll over Tabitha, I was trying to make it that way, like she is trying to wiggle her way out of the situation.

Thanks for the crit i will take it all into concideration.

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bittersweet illusion

Tom was engulfed in darkness, (A comma doesn't read right for me here... I think a period would work better) he could feel the mossy grass beneath his feet, and as his eyes adjusted to the lack of moonlight he could make out a faded shadow in the skyline. (The only reason for his eyes to adjust would be if he was put suddenly into darkness... not due to lack of moon) The sight was strange and in the bottom of his stomach he felt that it would be a bad idea to get any closer. (The transition from one sentence to this next one feels awkward.) It was as if Tom couldn't help himself. Tom's feet started moving(Maybe if you switched 'Tom's feet...' around with 'It was as if..." it would be a smoother transition). One foot in-front of the other. He couldn't stop.

As the shadow drew closer it started to form shape (It isn't the shadow drawing closer to Tom... it's Tom growing closer to the shadow). Different levels of what looked like buildings.(New Paragraph) 'It couldn't be(,)' he thought to himself. He started walking again(when did he stop?), this time forcing each step. The feeling in his stomach grew stronger as it got closer. But when he new Knew getting closer would be an extremely bad idea, a piercing scream shattered the silence. (it was already stated above that he knew it was a bad idea...)

“Help me!” A woman screamed “someone please help.”

Tom started running, the ground passing under his feet, determined to save this woman. Then, he stopped... He was stopped in his tracks by a wall. (Where did it come from? Why did he not notice before?)

While looking at the wall in a state of concentration, lots of things ran through his mind: 'Where am I? Why am I here? One minute I was in the middle of nowhere the next I’m in front of a wall. As tall as the Eiffel tower and as big as the outskirts of a...'

“That’s it,” shouted Tom “the shadow I saw in the sky line. I was right. It was a city!”

She screamed again, this time it sounded all that much louder. He knew he was getting close, but how could he get in? Tom started pacing around the city wall, over and over again, looking longingly for there to be an opening, a door. (How big is the city surrounded by the wall? How long does it take from him to walk around? I'm feeling no passing of time, but if he's walking around a city multiple times, there should be a significant amount of time spent doing so.)But nothing.

He slouched over, against the wall in sheer exhaustion. New paragraph ‘Crack.’(At first I thought this was his thought process, because you wrote it the same way you write his thought processes... maybe italisized? and if it's loud enough to make him jump, maybe an exclamation point... with the comma I didn't read it as a loud sound.) Jumping in surprise, (awkward transition due to the punctuation and in the wording; maybe something like 'Tom jumped in suprise; surely his...) surely his weight couldn’t have broken the wall. It was so big and compared to it (How about 'and in comparison he was...'? that would be more concise) he was so, Unnecessary coma small. Tom turned around and, to his surprise, the wall was gone, (period) (New sentence) it vanished just like it had appeared.

The view was magnificent. With The way it's worded the 'with' seems unnecessary houses and flats, offices and other tall buildings, all made of pure crystal. Even the flowers were crystal There needs to be some kind of punctuation here (I would suggest semicolon, but it's up to you) they were so delicate. Tom still had that feeling in his stomach and now he knew why. He had a bad feeling in his stomach... how would this explain why? Does he know something we don't?

As he stepped into this lovely landscape the view slowly started to change: from this beautiful city of crystal, in to a small, cramped, dusty old room. It was dark and gloomy with only one small window, the type you got in old castles.

In the centre of the room was a woman tied to a chair, This feels like it should be broken into two sentences. but before Tom could get a good look at her a man came in to view. He was tall with spindle-like fingers, and then he turned around(Was he backing into the room?). Tom was horrified at the sight he saw; his ('his' who? Tom or the guy? I know who you mean, but as written it comes off as Tom's face for a moment. Break it into two sentences so we know who you're talking about.) face was a charcoal black, like he had been burnt, but not by fire, by something else, something different (This sentence, even if 'Tom was horrified at the sight he saw.' became it's own sentence, feels longwinded. Maybe ".... had been burnt. Not by fire, but by...").

As Tom was looking at the tall man, he heard a voice (from where? The man? From somewhere else in the room? In his head? Unclear.), “I Randal, Dark sorcerer of this crystal city,” he said (So it's the 'tall man'? Make that clear from the start of the paragraph) “shall be king, and you Tabitha, will be nothing but a mere slave of my fortunes.” His voice was deep and sinister.

Tom tried to move closer Why? to Randal and Tabitha, but as he did he tripped over, ‘smash’ again, written the same as thought processes... change how you write either the sounds or Tom's thoughts... went a vase that he knocked of the side-bored What vase? What side board? With the descriptions you gave earlier, I envisioned that it was Tom, Tabitha and Randal in a small dusty room with nothing but them. Along with the rest of the furniture, the side bored was made out of a varnished mahogany, with oak-effect piping. All the furniture was covered in dust, half an inch deep, with spider webs in the corners.

“Why would you want this city?” Asked Tabitha, trying to bribe I don't hear a bribing voice in my inner ear... just a desperate, pleading voice herself out of the situation, “It’s a nightmare to keep clean, every finger print makes the place lo---“

“I don’t care about the tidiness of the place; all I want to do is sell all the crystal to the real worlders. Do you realise how much you would get for all this crystal?” Interrupted Randal By the time you get to here it doesn't feel like interrupted is the right word to use... If you want to use it, put it after "I don't care about the tidiness of the place." and then leave a comment on the tone here at the end in a more friendly tone.

“Sell it? Are you mad? Anyway what do you want with real worlder’s money, you can’t even convert it to Scamblite and even if you could, it would only be about 4SBT not even enough to buy a chocolate bar It's good to play around with sentence length, but this one just feels long winded, and by the time you get to the end, the reader forgets where it started. Play around with breaking it up.!”

“Well that doesn’t matter right now, does it? all I want is for you to give u-“

“Have I got this right?” Tabitha asked in a sarcastic manner “You want me to give up my crown, so you can sell all the crystal that belongs to the citizens of my kingdom?” she continued with even more sarcasm in her voice. This feels unnecessary...

“Well, yes, that’s about it!” he replied.

“This is weird.” Tom said to himself quietly How did they not notice him by now?, but as he did, he coughed due to all the dust Why did it take this long for the dust to cause him to cough?. The cough was loud, but the pair didn’t seem to bat an eyelid Are they completely dense?. To make sure Tom Is this a POV slip, or does he regularly refer to himself as Tom? Should be 'he' wasn’t imagining things, he screamed so loud it made his throat hurt, but nothing. It was as if he didn’t exist, like he wasn’t there Redundant... . How could this be, he was there, he walked all that way, he had heard the --- An em dash (- -) would suffice.
New Paragraph, otherwise this transition makes no sense In mid-thought Tom was distracted by another voice, this one sounded familiar though. Awkward to read... how about '... another voice, one that sounded familiar.' This conveys the same message and is more concise.

“Tom” said the voice, but he chose to ignore it. Is it distracting him or is he ignoring it?

“Tom” it sounded again, “Tom, your going to be late for school, get up!”

“Tom” shouted the voice, “Get out of bed NOW!”

He was awake. Glad to see the sight of his home.

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Whether or not you write well, write bravely.

BoredMormon

Surprisingly I liked it.

Its very disjointed and confused, but in a strange way it makes sense. Reminds me somewhat of Terry Pratchets writing. There were lots of good subtle jokes in there. Keep the style. You won't please everyone but its good.

The only danger I see is trying to turn this into a serious fantasy. Don't do it. Keep it light and unrealistic. Then you can do whatever you want with it.

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I pointed to the cover, which said 'best-selling' and not 'best-writing', and recommended she drop creative writing class and study sales. - Robert Kiyosaki

fantasy girl

@BSI: thankyou for your comments, the reason they havn't seen him is because he is onlooking it. The reason he didn't see the wall is becuse it is a difence mechenism that the city holds (you find out later in the story.)

@BM: thankyou for your comments, im glad you liked it. I wasn't aiming for the Terry Pratchet aproach, but for someone to compare my writing to the almighty Terry Pratchet himself is amazing.

Edit: in the seccond chapter, i want to get some back story about the character, to set the foundations about why he is so protective of his family, but how could i do this without info-dumping?

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BoredMormon

Do the info-dump. Fix it later.

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I pointed to the cover, which said 'best-selling' and not 'best-writing', and recommended she drop creative writing class and study sales. - Robert Kiyosaki

Newnonel

You might just want to fix up on your errors though.

"Lots of things ran through his mind" - fifth (or sixth?) paragraph. The 'lots of things' sounds... stiff. Pardon me, but does sound like a child. Perhaps you could switch it out for something else? Like say, 'many things'?

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fantasy girl

well the MC is a teenager so it is ment to sound slightly child like.

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