Thread: Jarm And Gorbold In The Purple Crypt

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So I hope you guys like that. It was around 7700 words. Everything in this work is tentative and I of course claim all the rights to my story.

This story has been in gestation for more than a year, and I've only really been sitting down and committing myself to finishing it for the past month or so. I just made up those makeshift chapter names on the fly while I was spacing it out so I could post it.

I've shown this work to some friends and family who've been really encouraging, but I'm not entirely sure what I'm gonna do with it. If I committed the time, I could totally add a bajillion scenes, polish the dialogue and add way more dialogue and easily triple the length. It could be like a mini-novel. I can definitely imagine more scenes in Zai and the crypt and even the desert.

Hope you liked it, and I hope I cracked you up once or twice It's hard for me to experience the cracks when I edit because they're really only funny the first time, and then after I'm always like "Was that funny? Yeah I think I remember that being funny." haha.

edit: I'm also seriously considering cutting all profanity to make it a little more kiddy friendly.

Cae,

This is on my 'to read' list. I'm way behind lately but I promise I'll get to it ASAP.

-G.

Is this a little too long for the short story section? Would I get more hits if I put it in the critique forum?

Alright. I really enjoyed this, and laughed my ass off quite a few times. Good pace and energy, lots of clever dialouge, some excellent riffing on conventional fantasy cliches. Some people don't care for the 'archaic fantasy meets modern concepts' style, but it has never bothered me.

Your descriptions are good for the most part, sometimes excellent, sometimes a bit obviously rushed. I'd suggest, if re-writing, you look mostly at those for polishing. I'd also suggest going a little easier on the adjectives. You can get away with more than usual because of the stories fantastical/comedic nature, but I feel you may have went just a bit overboard here.

Still like J. and the Gorb-O here. Although they are still quite titanic assholes, they seem to be a little less callous than in the last adventure. That's as it should be -- characters who don't grow and change are cardboard. In future adventures, you may even have them develop some scruples! Nah. One thing you do feel is that whatever their attitude towards others may be, the two really do like and depend on each other. That's a good thing. "Two Against The World" is always a nice theme.

Lastly, I think the length is the main reason you're not getting any responses. I think what you should do is take each section and post it in the Workshop (with a link to the whole story should it grab interest). Say....one section per week or so. This will get you many more comments and some good crits.

Anyway, my final opinion is good stuff! Thanks for the entertaining read and I think, with some polishing and tweaking, you may have a very sellable piece here.

Best,

-G.

Thanks Leyline. Good, sound tips, bro. There's a lot about writing I'm still working on, learning and experimenting. Like grammar. I think I use too many commas sometimes, and I know I overdo the language here and there. An old insecurity I'm slowly stamping out. I'm teaching myself how there's no harm using direct, normal sentances.

There really wasn't much here in the way of a sound, stable story with lots of characters interacting and developing, yet rather what story there was was just an excuse to get from one gag to the next. I can imagine more of a story revolving around these events, and for that matter I can imagine a whole world and mythology to Jarm and Gorbold. They would come from a distant viking land to the north ripe with mammoths and yetis! If I were to make this story longer, one thing I would do is start them in their hometown and give them some kind of incentive to find Zairobia and hunt the cactus, whose name I'm gonna change (Zambi), cause too many things start with Z. I would also develop Jarm and Gorbold's history a bit. Jarm's a little crazier and Gorbold fancies himself level-headed.

If you imagine a 300 page version of this story, with a larger, more-elaborated world and more characters, would you actually pay to read it?

Do you like Jarm and Gorbold's actual names? For the two protagonists, I want to keep Jarm for sure, but part of me thinks I should make Gorbold's character's name start with a vowel and have some hard "t" or "k" sounds in it, to mix up the sound a bit more. Just thinking of the title's first impression. But Jarm and Gorbold have really grown on me by this point.

Was there anything that you thought was too much? Too vulgar or too out there?

I think vikings and absurd fantasy are underexploited niches in literature, man, I really do. I appreciate your advice. Right now I'm really showing this around and getting feedback, and I think the fact that people are actually laughing rocks! hahahaha.

If you imagine a 300 page version of this story, with a larger, more-elaborated world and more characters, would you actually pay to read it?

Sure. And I think Terry Pratchett's success proves that there is a huge potential market for just this type of fantasy. Like you mentioned, you'd want a more structured narrative than in the shorts, but that's the case with any novel length work.

Do you like Jarm and Gorbold's actual names? For the two protagonists, I want to keep Jarm for sure, but part of me thinks I should make Gorbold's character's name start with a vowel and have some hard "t" or "k" sounds in it, to mix up the sound a bit more. Just thinking of the title's first impression. But Jarm and Gorbold have really grown on me by this point.

When I read the previous story, I -- at first -- thought the names were a bit clunky. But, by the end of that story, they'd grown on me and now seem natural. I don't think you'd have any problem with readers accepting the names.

I really like the names, prbably wouldn't have read the piece if they didn't catch my attention.