Thread: Big Brownie

He lured [I think you mean “lurked”]around the edges of my awareness[;] taunting, daring, even challenging me to enter into combat. I got to know Big Brownie a lot better than my friends because he lived just a stones [stone’s]throw from my Uncles farm, way over near StoneTown. It was a long trip for youngsters on bicycles, but we made it as often as we could, and generally without our parents knowledge.

Whenever our family went to Uncle Bert’s farm I would take off across country, heading for another encounter with Big Brownie. He became a passion that grew to gigantic proportions, as we passed from bicycle to auto. The encounters increased in frequency, became legionary [do you mean “legendary”?], sometimes lasting for an entire long weekend [and still there was no definitive winner.] I think you need to expound on this…the meaning is unclear.

At seventeen I was considering the prospect of joining the RCN and I went to Brownie for advice. [No we didn’t talk we just eyed each other, but by dusk I had made up my mind.] I am guessing this plays into the last sentence in the previous paragraph. Again, needs to be developed.

[Check Font]Five years later I left the RCN with a trade and a wife. We returned to Ontario, but I couldn’t settle down, until I paid a visit to Brownie. [When]I pulled the car to a stop, and stepped out everything was exactly as I left it.

{Is this section snipped text, or is it the story’s progression? If it’s the progression, you need to connect some dots and help the reader transistion.}
I tied a dry fly to the line and cast it three times before settling it just where I wanted it. The dry fly came to life as I sent vibration after vibration down the line. Then it happened, the surface of the creek exploded as Brownie took the fly. He leapt three feet into the air twisting his greenish brown body this way and that. It seemed like he was doing a dance in mid air, his body seemed to simmer in the sun light, as he fell back into the creek. I fought brownie for twelve to fifteen minutes, gradually bring him closer to the shore where I managed to get the net under him. I have eaten a lot of fish in my day, but that one was the best of the bunch.

My friends told me that he wasn’t the Brownie of our youth, but I said he looks like Brownie, he acts like Brownie, he even tasted like I envisioned Brownie would taste and that’s good enough for me. [Okay…these two paragraphs explain quite a lot about your story. I think you just need to focus on creating an even flow and explaining about these meets with Brownie without giving away that he’s a fish.]

I think this has the potential to be a really neat little short. Above are a few of the issues that I personally would address. Hope this helps you out a little.

hugs;

venus

Ablelaz -Hi!

Would agree with all of Venus comments. Loved the fact that it was a fish...

I think this could be longer though and include a little more detail about your stand offs with this fish - you wouldn't have to give it away.

i.e 'Everyone in my town knew about Brownie - he was a brute alright, and there were plenty of brutes in that part of town, but he was the biggest. His face was greasy and pitted with war wounds, his lips were swollen and fat. Other than during our stand offs, Brownie didn't much like to show himself.'

Etc. Something along those lines at least. Also what is the RCN?

Easy,

Goose

Anytime! Take it easy and let us read the final draft when you get it done! I have a feeling it will be a treat! (If there's anything I love more than a good fish tale...it's going fishing!)

hugs;

venus