The Werewolf and the Vampire [first draft] - Writers Forum

LizzieSpinelli · 07-21-2008, 03:49 AM

Sooo, I pretty much started writing around an hour ago. Which would be at around 3:30 in the morning. I had the first few pages of this book going for quite a while now, but I was suddenly hit with an idea for a prologue. Something less of a story, more of a narrative. So I started writing and voila, this is what I've created SO FAR. (It's partial, it's only a few paragraphs.) I've had the pleasure (scoff) of writer's block for the past few weeks, miserably waiting for it to dissolve, and to be honest, I'm a lot happier with this than I thought I would be, although, I seriously want all suggestions and rants about the next few paragraphs as possible. This is the first draft of this particular part, so I'm ready for quite a bit. Anyway, here goes.

Prologue: The Darkness

Assume an evil, something so vile and malign, that could destroy an entire universe. Assume it to be vicious, uncaring, and cunning. Assume it to seek destruction, deception, and desolation. This is the Darkness.

Every citizen of this universe which we know has never been able to answer the question as to why the Darkness exists or why it has such a dismal agenda. To be honest, hardly any citizen of our universe has ever been aware of its existence at all. Only but a small handful has ever unlocked the secrets this universe keeps hidden, and even fewer gained the knowledge to seek freedom.

The Darkness is not a being. It cannot be seen and it cannot be heard. You cannot touch it or even begin to comprehend the reasons why. But it is a simple thing. Its only weapon and power is deception itself. It thrives with deceit and rarely goes noticed among its victims. Its plan: to destroy one world after another, in every galaxy of every universe that was ever created, to spread lies, and to invade the minds of every world’s inhabitants deceiving them into destroy themselves.

It’s believed that our universe is not alone in the incomprehensible abyss beyond. Ours is but one among many others, each containing unimaginable numbers of galaxies that hold a single world, with one ultimate species: humans. In other words, the targets of the Darkness.

Humans are, by far, the most complex of all organisms ever made. While some can hardly locate a hat on their head, they are all comprised of complex brain functions which are responsible for creating thoughts and emotions. So naturally, the most important components of the human species, the aforementioned thoughts and emotions, are what the Darkness uses to contrive its plan.

Necromortis · 07-21-2008, 04:46 AM

Apologies in advance for anything hurtful. I don't mean anything to be offensive, but I tend to be a bit blunt at times.

Quote:

Originally Posted by LizzieSpinelli

Prologue: The Darkness

Assume an evil, something so vile and malign, that could destroy an entire universeThis sentence doesn't make sense grammatically. I assume you meant to tag on an 'exists' at the end?. Assume it to be change 'to be' to 'is' vicious, uncaring, and cunning. Assume it to seek destruction, deception, and desolationAgain, this sentence makes no sense. 'Assume it seeks destruction, deception, and desolation' maybe? I honestly don't know what you meant. This is the Darkness.

Every citizen of this universe which we know has never been able to answer the question as to why the Darkness exists or why it has such a dismal agenda. This is unnecessarily wordy and a run on.. How about something like 'No citizen in the known universe has ever been able to discover why the Darkness exists, or why it has such a dismal agenda.' To be honest, hardly any citizen of our universe has ever been 'has ever been' -> 'is even' aware of its existence at all. Only but omit 'but' a small handful have everomit 'ever' unlocked the secrets this universe keeps hidden, and even fewer have gained the knowledge to seek freedom. These first two paragraphs aren't written very well. They're overly wordy and often are missing important grammatical elements. They tend to jar the reader out of the story - no one wants to read a story if they have to decipher every other sentence.

The Darkness is not a being. It cannot be seen and it cannot be heard. You cannot touch it or even begin to comprehend the reasons why the reasons why what?. But it is a simple thing. Its only weapon and power is deception itself There's nothing grammatically wrong with this sentence, but I'd suggest rewording it. Perhaps drop 'and power' as it's kind of confusing how it's only power is deception. Power is an abstract concept in and of itself.... It thrives on deceit and rarely goes noticed one normally says 'rarely goes unnoticed.' Perhaps say 'and is rarely noticed by its victims' among its victims. Its plan: to destroy one world after another, in every galaxy of every universe that was ever created drop 'that was ever created,' it's unnecessary, to spread lies, and to invade the minds of every world’s inhabitants, deceiving them into destroying themselves. This one was better. In general, your sentences were shorter and easier to follow. There were still some problems, but it wasn't nearly as bad.

It’s believed that our universe is not alone in the incomprehensible abyss beyond. Ours is but one among many others, each containing unimaginable numbers of galaxies that hold a single world, with one ultimate species: humans. In other words, the targets of the Darkness. I'd actually just delete this entire paragraph. It doesn't add anything to the story that hasn't been said before, and would need reworking to make sense if you wanted to keep it

Humans are, by far, the most complex of all organisms ever made They are? In the entire universe, we're the most complex?. While some can hardly locate a hat on their head, they are all comprised of complex brain functions which are responsible for creating thoughts and emotions. So naturally, the most important components of the human species, the aforementioned thoughts and emotions, these are what the Darkness uses to contrive its plan. Delete what's in purple

Red - grammatical suggestions
Green - questions/comments

Ok, so you have an interesting idea, but it's not particularly original yet. I realize this is only the prologue, and a narrative prologue at that, but I hope you're planning on developing this into something more than the generic 'there's a giant evil entity out to kill everything!.'

I think your writing may be holding you back a bit. It may be a product of being written at 3:30 AM, but most of that made no sense. At all. I'm sure you have a working knowledge of grammar and structure - use it.

Anyway, I'm interested in seeing where this goes. Keep writing *grins*

~Christian

HippoHead · 07-21-2008, 05:11 AM

I likeded it. There's always a few grammatical errors in every prose on this forum, so I shall forget about the mistakes in this for the moment - it can all be corrected. I thought 'The Darkness' was intriguing I'm left wondering whether it is actually an evil entity or just darkness itself - as in 'the end'.
Nifty. Enigmatic. And an awesomesauce title. It sounds like my chapter, which I'm going to tell you because I like it! 'The Falcon and the Dragon'. See? I'm a fan!

lin · 07-21-2008, 09:23 AM

Isn't this what Underworld is all about?

LizzieSpinelli · 07-21-2008, 05:40 PM

Thank you everyone! Necromortis, absolutely nothing was offensive. This IS the reason I posted this here, and I certainly won't disregard your comments. I noticed very soon into writing that I was getting tied up in my wording of things and putting it all together, but I had to write something just to... write something. Once again, thanks. Will certainly help my future drafts.

HippoHead, *highfive*

lin, crap. I've never seen Underworld, but now I'm worried... *bangs head into keyboard*

But to let you all know, this story has absolutely nothing to do with Werewolves or Vampires. XD It focuses on a small family of scientists. No vampires, werewolves, or other species of mythical creatures whatsoever.

Necromortis · 07-21-2008, 05:50 PM

^Then it's nothing like Underworld, don't worry.

And it's a bit of a disappointment, I like the supernatural

~Christian