Piercing Dawn - Writers Forum

Joey915 · 07-20-2008, 03:25 PM

This is something I thought of when I was bored, my writing may not be great, but I think this story is getting better and better the more I think about it. Hope you all enjoy!

Chapter 1

The night was cold, thick with mist as the storm approached. I wasn't concerned with it for the moment, for now, all that mattered to me was my prey. I followed the movements of the victim he had picked from above, as I leap from building to building. It wasn't hard, even if he wasn't limping. The person I'm trying to catch though is like me, a vampire of the night. We've been around for thousands of years, and being killed by a human is rare, unless they catch us while we're sleeping. The man limping from below managed to escape the vampire I am trying to kill by pure luck, his leg however; got sliced pretty deep while trying to escape.

You could say I'm a monster, but I don't think so. I used to be part of the Guard, we deal with the vampires who either go insane with power, or are just plain evil. We're the "Good" ones I guess you can say. This bastard I'm trying to catch kills for fun, if he's not hungry, he's out killing the youngest he can find, just to piss me off. He knows I'm tracking him, since I messed up back in Seattle. I'm in New York now, trying to live a somewhat normal life-style. When this guy shows up again, taunting me. I saw on the news that four teenagers were found in a abandoned company building, drained of all their blood, with slit throats and two of them were missing their heads. Sick, I know.
I jump from the building I was on, and glide gracefully down onto a street post.

The man limping falls down, looking up at the insane vampire wimpering, "P-please... Don't kill me. I don't know what you are, but you like money right? Take it!" He throws his wallet at the creature's feet. "Money? I don't need money! I just love how humans bleed so easily... How just one little cut can bleed them empty. It's exileratimg..." He moves closer to the man, grabbing his arm and twists it around while the man cries in pain.

I'm there in an instant. I knock the vampire's arm back, kick him in the chest and send him flying backwards on the ground. "You just love to pick on humans don't you Damon?" He staggers forward from the slippery ground, and stares at me with red cold eyes, "Ah, Theron, so nice to see you again... I thought you'd given up on trying to find me, I am touched."

I spit on the ground next to him, "Save it you pathetic excuse for a vampire, you KNEW I would come after you if you continued like this. And even if I didn't, the Guard would see your head on a plate pretty soon. What are you after?"

Looking at me like he didn't hear me, he gets up and flys at me with such quick speed. I dodge his first attack aimed for my ribs, and try to land a blow near his kidney, he moves out of the way easily, and taunts me. "Oh, oh. Is that all Theron, one of the elite, has to offer me?" I smile, and wave my hand towards his face, and he yells in pain.

Some vampires are born with unique abilities. We can't turn into bats like most believe we can, but we can do "Other" things. My unique ability is using my mind to cause a burning sensation in the skin, I tried it on myself once to test how strong it was... Bad idea.

Damon takes his hands away from his face, looking a little disfigured ready to go at me again. I stare back in a relaxed stance and taunt back, "Still wondering if I'm weak, leech?"

--- I'm ending it here for now, I'll write more when I have some spare time. Tell me what you think.

Necromortis · 07-20-2008, 04:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Joey915

Chapter 1

The night was cold, thick with mist as the storm approached. I wasn't concerned with it for the moment;/. for now, all that mattered to me was my prey. I followed the movements of the victim he had picked from above, as I leap you've switched tenses here. I'd use 'leaping' in place of 'as I leap from building to building. It wasn't hard, even if he wasn't limping this sentence doesn't make much sense. It should be 'It wasn't hard, especially because he was limping' or something along those lines. The person I'm trying to catch though is like me, a vampire of the night 'The person I'm trying to catch is like me though - a vampire.' perhaps? 'Vampire of the night' seems redundant, you need to move 'though' at the end of the phrase (I'm pretty sure it's breaking some grammatical rule I can't remember the name of - either way, it sounds wrong), and I'd change the comma for a colon or a dash, or a period even. We've been around for thousands of years, and being killed by a human is rare 'and it's rare to be killed by a human...they generally catch us when we're asleep.' maybe? Less passive (I think). I don't know, it makes more sense too...you can't say 'it's rare...unless.' Something is either rare or it isn't.. The man limping from omit 'from' below managed to escape the vampire I am trying to kill by pure luck, his leg however; got sliced pretty deep while trying to escape So much wrong here. It's a complete run-on sentence first off. The first bit could easily be shortened, and you could split it into two sentences...the semi-colon is just used incorrectly. Example: 'The man below escaped the vampire I'm after by pure luck. His leg did, however, was cut deeply during his escape

You could say I'm a monster, but I don't think so. I used to be part of the Guard, we deal with the vampires who either go insane with power, or are just plain evil Re-write this sentence. Please. We're the "Good" ones I guess you can say. This bastard I'm trying to catch kills for fun, if he's not hungry, he's out killing the youngest he can find, just to piss me off. He knows I'm tracking him, since I messed up back in Seattle. I'm in New York now, trying to live a somewhat normal life-style. When this guy shows up again, taunting me. I saw on the news that four teenagers were found in a abandoned company building, drained of all their blood, with slit throats and two of them were missing their heads. Sick, I know.
I jump from the building I was on, and glide gracefully down onto a street post.

The man limping falls down, looking up at the insane vampire wimpering, "P-please... Don't kill me. I don't know what you are, but you like money right? Take it!" He throws his wallet at the creature's feet. "Money? I don't need money! I just love how humans bleed so easily... How just one little cut can bleed them empty. It's exileratimg..." He moves closer to the man, grabbing his arm and twists it around while the man cries in pain.

I'm there in an instant. I knock the vampire's arm back, kick him in the chest and send him flying backwards on the ground. "You just love to pick on humans don't you Damon?" He staggers forward from the slippery ground, and stares at me with red cold eyes, "Ah, Theron, so nice to see you again... I thought you'd given up on trying to find me, I am touched."

I spit on the ground next to him, "Save it you pathetic excuse for a vampire, you KNEW I would come after you if you continued like this. And even if I didn't, the Guard would see your head on a plate pretty soon. What are you after?"

Looking at me like he didn't hear me, he gets up and flys at me with such quick speed. I dodge his first attack aimed for my ribs, and try to land a blow near his kidney, he moves out of the way easily, and taunts me. "Oh, oh. Is that all Theron, one of the elite, has to offer me?" I smile, and wave my hand towards his face, and he yells in pain.

Some vampires are born with unique abilities. We can't turn into bats like most believe we can, but we can do "Other" things. My unique ability is using my mind to cause a burning sensation in the skin, I tried it on myself once to test how strong it was... Bad idea.

Damon takes his hands away from his face, looking a little disfigured ready to go at me again. I stare back in a relaxed stance and taunt back, "Still wondering if I'm weak, leech?"

--- I'm ending it here for now, I'll write more when I have some spare time. Tell me what you think.

I couldn't correct any more.

The harsh stuff: You've got a huge problem with tenses and a slightly smaller, but no less annoying, problem with grammar and punctuation. Most of your sentences could use a huge re-write as well. Oh, one last thing - I think your dialogue needs some work - it strikes me as incredibly unrealistic and trite.

The nice stuff: I like vampire stories, and although this one is slightly cliche (the good vampires are out hunting the evil ones again!), it has the potential to be interesting. Sort out the problems with the writing and keep at it *grins*

~Christian

HippoHead · 07-20-2008, 05:51 PM

Yeah, shiftng tenses, you don't start new paragraphs when it's necessary, unusual adverbs that don't work 'such quick speed.' And the vampires having unique abilities sounds like a kid's fantasy, 'I can cause a burning sensation in someone's skin - what can you do?! *giggles*'

Yeah, and the dialogue is kinda dreadful and unrealistic. The name Theron is a bad choice. Just is.

And there's a terrible spelling mistake that jumps off the page and squawks like a retarded parrot: 'exileratimg'.

And to top it all off, clearly the concept of grammar eludes you.

As for the story, it's not going to be originl. It's based around vampires and their supernatural abilities. Good vampires (they still kill humans - I don't see how this works), against bad vampires (they kill humans, but in a more evil way, so they're bad *rolls eyes*) where no doubt the protagonist will turn out to be 'the chosen one' or something close.

Uhh, on the plus side, I could still envision everything and it kept me reading, so with some polishing and careful thought it could turn NIFTY =D.

Tha's my input for now.

Joey915 · 07-21-2008, 05:57 PM

Thank you both for these comments.

Sorry if there's so many mistakes in there... I've always had a habit of never spell checking, and even when I do, you know there's always that one or two... or many mistakes still in there!

I'll write more when I can, but this heat is killing me so maybe soon in the fall I can do alot more and think clearly for once!

stereomuse · 07-22-2008, 11:27 AM

i agree with most of what was said. I also want to add that you do a lot of telling and little showing showing.
for example:

Quote:

Some vampires are born with unique abilities. We can't turn into bats like most believe we can, but we can do "Other" things. My unique ability is using my mind to cause a burning sensation in the skin, I tried it on myself once to test how strong it was... Bad idea.

this could be done, to a much better effect, by just letting the reader figure it out throughout the story from something along the lines of showing different vampires using different powers exclusively. then, when the fact is established, you can elaborate on the details. When you just "tell" the reader things they're not as immersed in the story.

EternalMyst · 07-22-2008, 09:05 PM

I agree with the above.
Maybe start it off differently. Umm maybe start it from the limping guys point of view.

One_Who_Writes_Fantasy · 07-23-2008, 01:35 PM

Hm.... Pericing Dawn.... Breaking Dawn?
Seattle?
Vampires?
"Leech"?
XD Have you read the Twilight series, or am I just overly obsessed?

Necromortis · 07-23-2008, 01:52 PM

San Francisco is in California, but I picked up on the connection as well

~Christian

One_Who_Writes_Fantasy · 07-24-2008, 06:59 PM

Of Twilight?

JHB · 07-24-2008, 07:01 PM

Give it a rest, OWWF. Nobody cares.

The Backward OX · 07-25-2008, 05:35 AM

Must be my filthy mind. I expected something quite different, judging by the title.

Joey915 · 07-27-2008, 04:32 PM

To be perfectly honest. I have read Twilight, although JUST recently, my friend told me about the 4th book, I had no idea it was coming out! And it was called "Breaking Dawn"

Small world.

One_Who_Writes_Fantasy · 07-27-2008, 06:20 PM

Really? Small world indeed. The whole "Seattle" thing (from Eclipse, really), and vampires... XD So, iI thought... hmmmm.... Maybe....

Seems someone does care, JHB. Don't be so snippy next time.

shraga · 07-28-2008, 08:27 AM

It seems like an interesting idea although them being vampires is not a necessity. It almost has a somewhat Highlander ring to it, the clash of immortals.
Many have said that it is unoriginal, but if you change a few things you can make it original.
HippoHead had a good point you may need to make the good vampires different from the bad ones. The unique ability seems somewhat strange to me considering that they are all the same breed. UNless he is some kind of uber vampire
anyway keep at it