Mercenary War: scifi trilogy - Writers Forum

SparkyLT · 07-11-2008, 05:54 PM

NOT A WAR STORY

Ok, so: Please no complaints about the format unless you want to comment on read-ability. Don't tell me to post it elsewhere, because it's already here. I can see this as a movie, but I intend it as a book. his is a futuristic novel and it includes a lot of new hi-tech stuff, so please tell me if some of it isn't explained properly. So there's my disclaimer, hope you enjoy...

THE MERCENARY WAR TRILOGY
BY, Sparky Lestat Todd

All following books edited by my brother, AWT.

Book 1

Flawbayne

By Sparky Lestat Todd

Date: January \ 1st \ 2791

Setting: Inside a spaceship. This room is the mess hall. There are streamers, balloons, etc. On one table there is a huge, chocolate cake. Sitting around the table is six people. Two are kids. Their names are Flawbayne and Leo. The other four are adults. Two of them are Leo and Flawbayne’s fathers: Klawm and Cheme, respectively. One of the others is a woman. She is no one in particular, but a close friend of both men and like a mother to the kids. Her name is Seraphe. The sixth person is the robotic cook. January 1st is Flawbayne’s birthday. This one is his twelfth. His friend Leo was nine last December. This day would be cheerful, and at present is. Later Flawbayne will curse this day. He will curse until his very death.

Cheme, Klawm, & Seraphe: …happy birthday to youuuuuuu…

Flawbayne: Uh-huh…can we eat now?

Cheme: Hungry or something?

Flawbayne: You kidding? I been starving all day to eat this.

Leo: What about me? Don’t I get some?

Flawbayne: Look, you haven’t been—

Seraphe: If you won’t have the first piece, I am, Flawbayne…

Flawbayne: Done!

(The cake is eaten, ravenously. Not much conversation, especially from Flawbayne. Several minutes later the cook brings out the meal. Pizza: and old Earthen delicacy.)

Flawbayne: Know what I like best about birthdays?

Leo: The presents?

Flawbayne: Uh… no, but that too. I meant the fact that we get to eat meals backward.

(Laughter all around. A moment later, Cheme’s communicator beeps. He turns away a moment, talks quietly, and turns back.)

Cheme: We got a job.

Seraphe: When?

Cheme: Now.

Klawm: Now?! As in now now?!

Cheme: `S what I said, ain’t it?

Seraphe: It is at that…

Cheme: C’mon, then, why’re you just sittin` there…

(Cheme leaves. After a moment Klawm and Seraphe go after him.)

Leo: That was abrupt…

Flawbayne: I hate this.

Leo: Hate what?

Flawbayne: This! They’re always going off on some mission for some guy they’ve never seen, not even knowing if they’re gonna get paid! And half the time, they don’t…they could do better than this. They could be in some military somewhere; the pay’s better, and definite. They don’t have to be just mercenaries…

Leo: That was abrupt too. Anyway, they like being mercenaries. There’s probably no way to talk them out of it. You could try, if you want to.

Flawbayne: …will you back me up?

Leo: Sure.

Flawbayne: …thanks.

Leo: It’s nothing.

Flawbayne: I meant…for putting up with me.

Leo: Don’t have a choice, do I? No, no, I was joking…

(An awkward moment.)

Flawbayne: So…should we stay here and wait on`em or what?

Leo: Don’t know how long it might take. We could go watch.

Flawbayne: Yeah. Ok. Let’s go.

(A little later Flawbayne and Leo arrive on the bridge. It is a place where knobs, switches and levers move of their own accord, on autopilot. Of course, Flawbayne and Leo are used to this, having been born and lived on this ship all their lives. Their full attention is on the space battle on the screen.
Three of the ship, Flawbayne’s dad and friends, are completely outnumbered. An entire fleet opposes them. Four other, different ships, probably another mercenary band, fight alongside the fleet. Outnumbered they may be, but Cheme’s forces fight on, and shortly are fighting nothing but the other mercenaries.)

Cheme: Stand down. I’ve no wish to fight fellow mercenaries.

Opposing leader: We will not retreat. We fight to the end. Stand down yourself.

Cheme: Huh. You’ve got guts. Do I have the pleasure of your name? Don’t like killing a man `till I know his name.

(Despite Cheme’s sarcasm, the other man answers.)

Opposing leader: …an odd custom. I’m Jamen. You are…?

Cheme: `name’s Cheme. I’ll give you one more chance. Stand down, or I stand you down. I’ve heard you have a son on your big fancy mothership there. Do it for him.

Jamen: No…I fight for him. If I die, there’s no source of income, and he’s got nothing to live on.

Cheme: Eh, I can see that. You could try a desk job, y`know.

Jamen: …

Cheme: Right. So. Bring it. We’re more than a match for you. Team? Move!

Jamen: It’s on!

(Flawbayne leans forward, but the ships move so fast, his eyes can’t follow them. At once, there are two explosions…)

Leo: DAD! No…!
-
Cheme: Damn! Klawm…

Seraphe: He’s gone…
-
(The battle continues. Flawbayne’s eyes can’t keep up with the ships, but after a while it slows down some. He is aware of two of the enemy ships and Seraphe’s retreat.)

Flawbayne: She must’ve been too heavily damaged… Seraphe would never leave Dad out there alone without a good reason…

Leo: …still can’t believe it…

Flawbayne: …Leo, I…I don’t know what to say…
-
Cheme: One more chance, guy. Stand down. Your team’s not there to protect you anymore.

Jamen: Neither’s yours.

Cheme: True. (Conversationally) By the way, which of you bastards shot out my pal?

Jamen: What, so you can hunt him down to the loneliest corners of this dimension?

Cheme: Oh, no. There will be no hunting. He dies, here and now.

Jamen: …first off, you’d have to get through the rest of us before that, and I warn you, there’s rather a lot of us. Second off…your pal collided with him. So I’m sorry, well no not really, but you can’t hunt him down or whatever.

Cheme: Eh? Well, that simplifies things. Now, as I was saying…once more, give in. I’ll let you live, what’s left of your team can leave, and no hard feelings. Alright?

Jamen (sighs): … Can’t. Word’d get around, and the universe would know that my team runs off when the going gets tough. I would have to, as you say, get a desk job. Unthinkable. So what I’m saying is, no. We—I—fight to the end.

Cheme: So it is…look, I really don’t like this. I have a record of never killing fellow mercenaries.

Jamen: Stand down?

Cheme: No. Like you said, can’t. So…how about this? When I shoot you out, I’ll let your team come with us. If they want to. I mean, I couldn’t force them to or nothing. But the offer’s there.

Jamen: Same to you.

Cheme: Same to me?

Jamen: I won’t go down without a fight. Never know how the battle will turn out. So what I’m proposing is what I said. If I kill you, well, your team can come with us.

Cheme: …y`know, that’s nice and all, but…
-
Seraphe: Do it, Cheme…
-
Cheme: …there’s no chance I’m getting killed.

Jamen: Hm…so be it.

(The ships dart around, shooting. Jamen lands a few hits on Cheme, but Cheme does the same. But suddenly, it is over…there is a flash of light, an explosion…Flawbayne covers his eyes and looks away. When he can, he looks back…)

Flawbayne: …Dad?

Leo: W-what happened?

Seraphe: …It’s…over. Th-they must have done the same thing as Klawm…

Flawbayne: But…but does that mean…

Seraphe: Yes.

Flawbayne: …? No…he said…he said he wouldn’t get shot out…he always said…

Leo: …guys?

Seraphe: Hm?

Leo: I see something. I’m…not sure what it is but… It looks like an escape pod or something…

Flawbayne: Dad!

Seraphe (softly): No. Flawbayne, our ships don’t have pods.

Leo: T-then it’s…the other guy? Jamen?

Flawbayne: …

Darkness · 07-12-2008, 09:21 AM

Hey Sparky, I liked it. It kept me reading to the very end. The only issue I have with it is that the conversation between the two kids seems to be too grown up for their stated ages. Other than that, an enjoyable read.

SparkyLT · 07-12-2008, 11:07 AM

thanks. yeah, I know the kids seem a little too grown up, but they have to be...I try later on to explain it away as their being mercenary kids, growing up fast to die quicker. But I guess I realy don't have an excuse.

Cefor · 07-12-2008, 02:23 PM

Well as a script it's ok i guess... I prefer prose though.

If you converted it to proper prose I'd love it. Nice story and reminds me of when I play EVE

Cefor

Garden of Kadesh · 07-12-2008, 03:13 PM

I know you told us not to do this, but...

Put it in the screenplay section!

SparkyLT · 07-12-2008, 04:37 PM

aaiieee, but I looked in the screenplay stuff and that doesn't have the large, backstory-revealing stuff like I have. well, actually this far in they aren't so large, but later on the things in parenthesis reveal not just action, but also thoughts, memories, descriptions etc. does this really belong in such a place?

SparkyLT · 07-19-2008, 07:46 PM

hm...no response, but I'll post the next part...

-
(Seraphe, the sole survivor of that fateful mission, teaches Flawbayne and Leo everything she knows, and works anywhere she can. For two years, the three of them balance their duties, but in the note she leaves Flawbayne, Seraphe explains that she can’t do it anymore—and is gone. On the same morning Flawbayne finds the note, he believes he, too, has had enough. But Leo has found the answer to their problems….)

Leo: Flawbayne!

Flawbayne: What…?

Leo: Remember the other day we were talking about how if we were old enough for it to be legal, we would start our own mercenary band?

Flawbayne: Yeah…so?

Leo: Look here…this paragraph…

Flawbayne: Okay…so-and-so, can’t pronounce his name, recently began bragging on his new machine, which can give or take off years from one’s age…hm. I thought you had to pay a gazillion credit to get a doctor to do that. So what do you propose we…waaaait…I know where you’re going with this…

Leo: You see?

Flawbayne: You wanna…steal the thing and…?

Leo: What’s to stop us?

Flawbayne: Okay. We’ll have to…

(Leo notes with satisfaction that Flawbayne’s eyes have their old fire. This will be a challenge, but Leo—and Flawbayne—think they can do it.
They find the planet this guy is on. Esprice.)

Flawbayne: I don’t know…Dad always avoided that place. He never told me why, but…he must’ve had a reason.

Leo: C’mon, there’s no other way. It’s probably nothing serious. Maybe there was just someone on the planet he didn’t like, or wanted him—sorry.

Flawbayne: Dead. I know.

Leo: Sorry…

Flawbayne: No. no, it’s okay. So we go to Esprice, we steal the thing, somehow, use it and then what? We can’t just keep it. This guy’ll know it’s missing, pretty quick I’d say. He’ll have people searching for it. What happens if they find us with it?

Leo: Okay, we…launch it into a star or something.

Flawbayne: Oh, good. Sounds like fun.

(So they do it. They take the mothership to Esprice, and, leaving it in orbit, take a small four-person transport (previously used when Cheme, Klawm, Seraphe and their kids wanted to go somewhere without their mothership) to the planet. Down there, it’s night. The city is built atop hundreds of tall towers, because the surface is a marsh. Flawbayne and Leo use the night to cover their path.
They find the house they’re looking for—a huge mansion. Of all things, a window is open. With doubtful glances, they enter, after making sure it’s not a trap. It’s even the room they’re looking for; the machine is in one corner. It doesn’t look like much, but perfectly fits the description in the newspaper Leo first heard about it in. Like a coffin, with controls on the lid.)

Leo (whispering): What if it’s not safe? I hadn’t thought about it before. But…

Flawbayne: This is no time to chicken out, Leo! I’ll go first.

Leo: Okay, but I…

Flawbayne: Don’t like it, I know. Look, if it kills me or something, live here, okay? There’s no hope for an eleven-year-old kid working somewhere, so just put yourself up for adoption. Promise me.

(Leo wants to object, but Flawbayne stares into his eyes…there’s no way he can refuse.)

Leo: I…I will. I swear.

Flawbayne: Good.

(He sets the controls easily, scoffing at the lack of security. Without a backwards glance, he steps into the coffin and silently closes the lid.)

Leo: Flawbayne…don’t die…please don’t die…

(The machine whirrs. Leo checks the controls. A small screen shows Flawbayne’s age, 14, then speeds up…to 22. It quiets, slowly opens. Flawbayne steps out, now 22…he doesn’t look so different. He still has that crazy glint in his eye, at least.)

Flawbayne: It works! I don’t believe it…It works! (He assumes a completely different tone) Hurry. We don’t want that guy waking up and coming to admire his new toy.

(So Leo sets it—to 20—and gets in. After a moment he steps out.)

Leo: Flawbayne, I thought of something. Since we haven’t actually taken it, we don’t have to destroy it. Unless it keeps some record of when and how many times it was used, which I highly doubt…

Flawbayne: Leo. No one deserves this power at their fingertips. The guy could live forever. It’s—it’s our duty almost, to get rid of the thing.

Leo: Yeah…I see what you mean. Wait—

(Leo grabs Flawbayne and drags both of them into a shadow. Someone is coming…they can only hope it isn’t someone fond of lights…
He comes into the room silently, illuminated slightly by the moon…and, Flawbayne sees, his eyes glow. A sure sign of night-vision contact lenses. He must see them out of the corner or his eye…he stops. Without even looking at them, he pulls a knife out of his sleeve and, still staring straight out the window, throws it. Flawbayne jerks out of the way just in time, sending it an inch deep into the wall. Leo stares at it.
Flawbayne knows this guy must be an assassin—not a good one, or that knife would have hit home. But an assassin all the same. He thinks, What do I have to lose? And steps out.)

Assassin (sounds annoyed, though not terribly aggravated): You dodged that knife…

Flawbayne: Yeah. You’re a sorry shot.

Assassin: …if I throw again, I don’t plan on missing…

Flawbayne: I’d prefer if you didn’t. Actually, I had a proposal for you.

Assassin: Really…

Flawbayne: Yeah. I was wondering if you’d rather work for me, as a mercenary.

Assassin: A…mercenary?

Flawbayne: That’s what I said.

Assassin: …and why would you ask me this…?

Flawbayne: Because…I need at least three members to register as a mercenary. And I wouldn’t mind having an assassin, if you’re willing. And, okay, you’re not really a sorry shot.

Assassin: …Hm…

Flawbayne: And I don’t know how to meet an assassin who isn’t out for my skin.

Assassin: …what’s in it for me…?

Flawbayne: Mercenaries get hired more often than assassins do. Among other things.

(This, of course, is a total lie. Or it might not be. Flawbayne doesn’t know, but it sounds good, if not particularly likely.)

Assassin: Sold.

Flawbayne: That easy?

Assassin: That easy. My name is Cercivse…

Flawbayne: Uh, okay. I’m Flawbayne. This is…

(The assassin joins them as they leave and helps them with the aging machine. Softly, he confirms that he was hired to kill the owner of the mansion and machine, and in fact he entered through the window, disabling several security systems. Flawbayne and Leo were incredibly lucky to have planned their escapade on the same night and at the same time Cercivse was carrying out his mission. He goes with them up to their ship, and he’s still with them, eight days later, when they officially register as mercenaries. Flawbayne and Leo are surprised when, on their first mission, Cercivse is excellent in a fighter. As they slowly get to know soft-spoken, but deadly Cercivse, they tell him their story. In return, he offers them a small hint at his past: His father, too, was killed by Jamen. They have more things in common than they thought…)

PSFoster · 07-26-2008, 10:32 PM

I'm not really into this type of work, so I don't know what is good writing in this genre.
The story is interesting, tho'.
Sorry I can't be of more help.

SparkyLT · 07-26-2008, 10:34 PM

thanks, it's ok.