Thread: Wolves'Bane. excert #3

I really thank all of you for the feedback so far. You don't know how much it helps. My goal is to have this book finished and ready to read before the year's over. This is the last part I'd like feedback on. Please excuse the indian sheriff named Dexter. It's the first name I came up with and it stinks. I will change it.

A little set up. Jack has rescued a young couple after they hit a hunting shape shifter with their car. He takes them back to his place where he explains things to them. As it turns out, the young woman, Sarah, happens to be the local reporter that was pretty hard on him over a year ago. Jack was accused of his wifes murder. Remember please, all of this is first draft. This picks up when the sheriff of werewolf town shows up.

Dexter looks around to the faces of his people as he tries to figure out what he could possibly say to ease the tension level. He turns back and says, “You can see that we’re not being aggressive Jack. We just want to explain things a little.”
Jack hits the switch again. “Tell that to the three men you got circling around the back.”
Dexter motions for Jack to hold on and starts talking on his two-way radio. Jack takes advantage of the pause. He gets Daniels attention.
“Don’t take your eyes off em.” He says as he walks to Sarah. She looked like she was about to faint and Jack thought that having something to do would help both her and him. “Sarah.” Jack says sternly, getting her to focus. “I need you to watch those monitors for me. Can you do that?” Sarah nods. “Good girl.” He continues, giving her a reassuring touch on her cheek. Jack walks quickly over to his gunnook. “You tell me everything you see ok.” He says to Sarah, picking up an M-16 rifle and another box of ammo.
Sarah starts her report. “Ok, those guys are walking back to the front I think.”
Jack walks over to Daniel and yells back to her. “Keep an eye on em. You’re doing great.”
Daniel grabs Jack’s shoulder. “What’s about to happen Jack?”
Jack looks at him. “These boys didn’t come all the way out here to just turn around and go home.”
Daniel suddenly feels like he was about to puke. Jack gives him a quick shake. “Hay! You’ll be fine. This ain’t my first rodeo.”
Daniel sucks in a deep breath through his nose and nods. Jack gives him a wink and shows him the rifle. “Do you know how to use one of these?”
“I’ll learn.” Daniel replies.
Jack smiles. “Outstanding.” He gives Daniel a quick demonstration. “This drops the magazine, pop a new one in hard then pull back on this. Safety is on the side.” Jack hands Daniel the rifle. “Don’t put your finger on the trigger till you’re ready to shoot. Don’t shoot until you’re ready to destroy.” He gives Daniel a manly push. “Aim low and cry havoc.”
Daniel turns to Jack. “Ten-four.” Jack leans his head back, smiles as he moves the barrel away from his face calmly with his finger. “Daniel.” He says softly. “Bad things happen at this end.”
Daniel winces and mouths the word sorry.
Sarah calls back. “Uh Jack. Something weird is happening.” Jack Shakes his head in disbelief at Daniel then turns his attention to Sarah. He looks at a monitor she was leaning close to. “What the hell is he doing?” Jack asks.
Sarah raises her hands in disbelief. “I don’tknow but I’ve seen it before in a Bugs Bunny cartoon.
One of the Deputies has pulled up a large shrub and is holding it in front of him as he tiptoes past a camera.
Jack thought If they wasn’t about to die, this would be hilarious.

There is a lot missing here. I don't understand where they are and who they are and what they are doing. Who are these people Dexter is trying to console and why? What switch is Jack hitting? Who are the three men and why are they circling? I suppose Danial and Sarah are the young couple but how did he rescue them and from what?

It seems you have the story in your mind but you need to share the info.

You had mentioned shape shifters before but I thought this was about werewolfs and I'm not sure what the role of the shape shifters are.

This really needs a setting. Where is this taking place and what is the time frame? There is a lot missing.

You make me feel pretty good. I can tell that you're more interested in the story at this point than the structure and how the scene flows.
I can't post the whole story but I will work on it and let you know when it's out. You'll get a free copy for all your input.

I'm a little confused about what's going on, but it has nothing to with your writing, just the fact that is an excerpt from a random section. Overall your writing seems solid in this chunk. It makes me want to know more so that's definitely a good thing. The action of the characters was easy to follow and clear. You set a tone of urgency very well too. Good job.

It could be the small sample size, but the scene really feels like it lacks tension. The ending contributes to this, but even without it the scene doesn't seem to have much feeling to it, despite the guns that are being drawn.

too out of context. sorry i don't have a lot of story advice, besides that it definitely needs to be filled in. Who?What?When?Where?Why? try to answer those.

Also try to avoid cliches "This aint my first rodeo" Coming from a guy with a southern accent, i could have almost guaranteed he would say that at least once.

And a tip when you start editing, Get rid of every suddenly in your story

Suddenly this happened and then suddenly that happened clutters the story up a lot
Sorry to hear this is your last entry i really enjoyed the story, hope it works out for you

I thought the present tense was a little strange for a story. Unless people are talking or the book is in a journalistic style, I think the past tense would make it easier to read.

I agree with the guys above me that we need some information about the story and where everything is taking place.

Good luck on the book!