I finally decided to share this. This is something I'm working on. Well, it's a rough draft of a first chapter, dominated mostly by dialogue. The dialogue helps me convey the story through the characters, but I'm planning on adding a lot more narrative as well. Any suggestions on what to add or take away or simply change would be greatly appreciated. Feel free to brutalize this work with honesty, because I haven't even polished it one bit. Don't be afraid to criticize it, constructively.
EDIT: This did not post properly. Working on fixing it.