Last edited by Vano; 07-19-2012 at 08:01 PM.
I read this whole thing and I've really struggled what to think about it. I wasn't sure if I would comment, but there's been 0 responses so far. You obviously put time and effort in to it, so I want to see you get some feedback.
I'm really struggling with the names of the characters. There's clearly something going on there, but I can't buy in to it. It makes it easy to get their archtypes (because they're named after them), but that seems confining to me. It gives everyone this one dimensional sense that I really don't want to experience as a reader. I want the alchemist to love his work but also have a family and maybe an addiction that prevents him from getting to the next level. I want the fool to have a serious pain in his heart that he hides behind the paint, one day festering so deep that it can no longer be contained. Right now, everything's just a little too rigid.
This story feels "D&D"ish to me because of the above. Like we've taken figurines and placed them on a board, and they've got just enough backstory that if my character's STR, WIS, and CON are the same, we can tell them apart because mine wears furs and yours wears chain. Why this is so tough for me is because your story is obviously about a God who might actually see us mere mortals in just such a fashion.
I don't think the idea is without merit, maybe my problem is it seems a little bit overt; it's like the punchline has been given already, and we're working our way through a joke where there's no further payoff anticipated.
I didn't read the rest of the story because it's in a zip file and I have a rule about not opening Zips from the Net, so maybe there's a richer payoff that I'm missing, but I think the issues I've encountered would stand even if that's the case. I'd recommend throwing a little description in there to break up the dialogue and "x went to y" transitions. Develop some richness to the surroundings and the characters so readers can invest in them, and see where you can build some subtlety and personality into some of the interactions.
Good luck, and stick with it; all stories go through the roughing out stage, and I think this one can come out the other side with some sparkle to it.
"Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone."
- Anthony Burgess (1917-1994)
Thank you very much for the comment.
I thought the main idea was obvious and, as I see now, I was wrong =(
The main idea is the following. Imagine a newbie, wannabe-author (just like me) who is obviously a God in his own created world ("Rohtua" is just "author" spelled vice versa) and who is writing a D&D story with one-dimensional characters. However, the characters have the minds of their own: they act when the author doesn't see them and they can actually influence the God of this world so that he would re-create it.
The whole story was written not even for the plot or the character development (though those things do exist), but to show the cliches or D&D stories.
If you could spare a couple more minutes, I would be most grateful if you could answer the following questions. The feedback is VERY important to me.
1) What about the style and language? Was the story easy to read? Could you tell that English isn't my first language?
2) What could you recommend me about the zip file so that people could read the whole story?
3) And, if that is possible, any other tips about improving the story?
Once again, thank you for the feedback.
I think the idea is fascinating, but you have some serious grammatical issues that need fixing. At times you are mixing tenses. Tense should never be mixed, anywhere in a whole book unless it is a function of the story, and yet you are mixing tenses in the same sentence, one after another. If you're not sure what I mean, take this example:
[He couldn’t also imagine how has the mirror appeared, and he couldn’t guess why is he looking into it examining every detail in his appearance and almost naming it out loud.]
The blue is past tense, and the red is present tense. You must stick with one or the other. Present tense writing can be very emotive and personal, and serve to get the reader deeply involved with the character, but it can be a challenge to pull off without seeming cheesy. Regardless, you need to choose one and format the entire story to that.
I hope this helps. You have a good idea, but until you fix this glaring error, it's not easily readable.
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