Thread: Dinner

This bit introduces some of the concepts underpinning the whole work, so I'd be very greatful for views on the style, readability, enjoyment and so on.

This is effectively the start of the third chapter of my current project, so I've posted links below in case anyone would like a little more context. Should just say that they are both in a state of some flux, especially Chapter 2.

Part 1: http://www.writingforums.com/fantasy...apter-one.html
Part 2: http://www.writingforums.com/fantasy...apter-two.html

Compass Dinner, November

Menu

Pickled Herring in Mustard Sauce
Smoked Norg Cheese
Triple-Distilled Aska

Roast Lamb with Bilberry Sauce
Spiced Carrot and Onion
Roasted Potatoes
Northnettle Wine

Apple Pie with Cream

…

Bishop Villtr boomed with self-indulgent good humour and left off examining his reflection in the silverware long enough to cast a precursory glance around the table. Dorian, seated opposite, smiled pleasantly as he met the cleric’s glittering eyes.

“Tell us Villtr, how are things in Eastmere? I hear the Archabbey’s been granting special favours in return for donations.”

The pudgy bishop’s voice rumbled with fake amusement. “Ah, I see age has not dulled your keen edge, Dorian. It’s true, we are always careful to reward those who support our condemnation of these unfirstly flying machines we increasingly see about. No doubt Lady Blanda has been informing you of all our latest business.” Dorian smiled disarmingly, though he didn’t miss the warning flicker Villtr directed at a round expressionless woman several seats away.

Someway between Bishop Villtr and the turgid Lady Blanda a sharp mousy woman followed the conversation, her hands compulsively twisting and picking the edge of the white tablecloth. She had a habit of twisting and unpicking things so ingrained it had become almost impossible to hide.

“Father Dorian, I was informed that your daughter would be joining us this evening,” she piped, gesturing at the empty seat next to Villtr. “No doubt she found some excuse as soon as she learnt who she was to be placed beside.”

Bishop Villtr coughed up a single humourless “Ha,” and continued his inspection of the cutlery, while the other members of the table attempted to alleviate their discomfort with bracing smiles. The wiry Sister Tolla answered on Dorian’s behalf.

“Never fear, Mother Skald. Your bishop’s reputation is in no question. Freya allowed herself to be caught in a rainstorm a little earlier and was sent to bed without supper.”

Skald eyed her craftily. “I see. It’s a pity Father Dorian does not keep the girl under tighter control. I suppose at least, not being his actual daughter, one might say his disinterest is excusable.”

A tall saturnine bishop seated between Mrs Germwither and Mother Thornson, held up his hand with a hint of amusement. “Now, now, Mother Skald, we don’t want our kind host to think us impolite, isn’t that so Lady Blanda?”

The Lady nodded automatically and intoned a limp, “I agree,” but Mother Skald was not in least put out.

“What of the girl’s future?” she enquired. “Is her place to be among the academics of Tempus? The last thing anyone would want is for her to develop some sort of unhealthy interest in matters that don’t concern her… say, Akkeri’s newfangled flying machines, for instance.”

Dorian’s eyebrows rose almost in humour at this, though his jaw was clenched and he said nothing. As the starters were cleared away and the main course brought out further discussion of Freya was forestalled by the mouth-watering arrival of roast lamb, vegetables and wine.

After several minutes of subdued application to the food, broken only by approving mumbles, Bishop Villtr seemed more animated. He paused, loaded fork hovering, to appeal to his three Archabbey colleagues. “It is a shame that we must be treated to your entertainment so rarely Dorian. The other abbeys of the Confraternity are never quite so… intriguing. And I can’t think of a better symbol of your uniqueness than this magnificent table, wouldn’t you say, Lady Blanda?”

Blanda nodded vigorously, her mouth too full to permit an answer. Dorian felt an unpleasant sneer in Villtr’s use of the word ‘intriguing’, but he smiled courteously and pointed out details of the circular tabletop with its sixteen inlayed compass points. There was one for each diner to sit at, representing a unity of faith, with the First positioned centrally, where all things originate.

“It’s a shame your daughter’s absence upsets the table’s unity somewhat,” commented Mother Skald, nibbling a roast potato. “Did I hear you say your grandfather designed it? Fascinating…”

The younger Bishop, Knappr, sat back slowly amid the hum of conversation and said quietly, “We’ve been informed you’re going to have another inspection, Dorian.” There was an immediate hush from the diners.

Dorian wiped his mouth slowly with a napkin and took a sip of wine. “You’re quite sure?”

Both bishops nodded. Villtr placed his knife and fork carefully on his empty plate. “I got a letter from the Enlightened Inspectorate this morning, as it happens. None of the other abbeys have been inspected twice in fifty years before. The Compass’ reputation evidently precedes it by some considerable distance.”

“Considerable indeed,” murmured Dr Tattler, the Abbey physician. “When will they be coming down?”

“Couldn’t say for sure; a matter of weeks, if I know fairies.” Villtr folded his arms across his broad chest and stared calculatingly at Dorian. “I trust you’ll make a good impression on the inspector. It wouldn’t do at all to let the side down, when the rest of the Confraternity works so hard for approval.”

Dorian’s mouth was a thin unreadable line, his jaw set firmly and eyes focussed. He removed his small round spectacles and polished them while he thought. Quietly the serving staff removed the remains of the dishes and brought out hot apple pie with crisp golden pastry and heaps of fresh cream. The scent was tantalising, but Dorian seemed almost unaware of it, and the other diners remained still, waiting for him.

“Am I to understand,” he began, delicately cutting through the crust with a silver spoon, “that you believe the authorities of the First and Second Tiers have taken a direct interest in Tempus Abbey?” He placed a spoonful of pie and cream in his mouth and chewed slowly, his grey eyes riveted on the pudgy clergyman opposite. Bishop Villtr nodded, his own pudding forgotten.

“I’ve been holding much discussion with my colleagues and there appears to be a problem with Tempus Abbey.” The foreboding silence deepened at once; several faces flashed a warning glance.

“The problem is evidenced quite conveniently this evening,” went on the Bishop, gesturing to Freya’s seat, “by the empty place beside me. I would hope it’s not too hard to appreciate the reason for the Inspectorate’s visit. They are worried that Tempus is losing its focus. We are worried.

“The problem, I think, lies in this Abbey’s location, which is too close to the Akkeri industry to avoid a degree of influence. I hardly need mention that Tempus has access to the forest south and east of here, a commodity that Emanuel Akkeri is no doubt keen to exploit.

“Now, I must, according to my position, take measures to ensure that no member of this Confraternity falls behind the others. This you appreciate. I have taken the step, therefore, of having a little talk with one of your kitchen staff, whose name I forget, who was happy to inform me of the troubles facing the effective governing of Tempus Abbey.”

Villtr held up his hands placatingly before the outraged expressions. “Now, now, Dorian, I have only your best interests at heart. My colleagues and I pose no threat to your leadership whatsoever; in fact, we hold you in high esteem. Our mutual friend in the kitchens was able to bring to my attention a source of dissent within your delightful community, but fear not, we have found a solution.

“The problem,” he announced with satisfaction, “is Freya. As I understand the girl is headstrong and, more worryingly, fascinated with the unfirstly industry on your doorstep. You and she are close, are you not? Well, that’s only natural, considering the charity you showed in raising her. But I’m told that you entertain and indulge her too much, Dorian, and that she is having an adverse effect on your judgement and sentiments regarding the appropriate stance of this Abbey.

“Now, the solution is simple.” Villtr leaned back in his chair and smiled coldly. “When my colleagues and I leave a little later we will take the girl with us. She may pack what few belongings she needs and then she will return to Eastmere with us to begin a new chapter of her life in the Archabbey. There she will be educated and disciplined in the ways of the First, and we in turn will not be forced to take further action.”

Dorian almost smiled as he set down his spoon and wiped his mouth delicately. “Now, here’s what I propose,” he began after a moment’s thought, his voice deadly soft. “You and your colleagues will stand, we shall escort you to your coats, exchange pleasantries and then you’ll be on your way.”

He appealed to Colonel Alder, a large bushy man seated to his left, though his eyes never left Villtr. “Alder, how are your men doing in the forest? Are the roads safe?”

Alder looked thoughtful as he stroked his moustache, catching Dorian’s drift immediately. “Things aren’t good, Father Abbot. My men are afraid of nothing but they are hard put to keep the main road clear and safe from here to the east. Some of the smaller roads have been lost altogether now, and won’t be usable until spring. I’m surprised your party made it through from Eastmere unscathed, Bishop, and can only wish you the best of luck in getting back.”

“Well, there you have it Villtr,” said Dorian grimly. “As you quite rightly pointed out, Tempus does hold a certain influence in the forest, but there is a limit to the protection we can provide, so I advise you to take care. If for some reason you never made it back to Eastmere I’m sure it would cause some trouble, and the last thing we want is trouble, wouldn’t you say?”

Bishop Villtr sat poised, red and glaring, but the silence extended without a word. After a minute he rose stiffly and stalked from the room without a backwards glance. Dorian rose too, signifying the end of the meal, and muttered to Sister Tolla, “Would you be so kind as to show our guests to their coats and then take them down to the gatehouse. They can wait in there while the carriage is fetched.”

One by one the academics filed out of the Compass chamber, each wondering if they had heard the last of the affair.

The scene presented is well written, and aside from the few references to unusual places, 'unfirstly' things, etc..., this bit could be set in almost any genre. There is intrigue, hint of conspiracy and interpersonal conflict that begs the all important question - "What's next?". I like it.

Your use of the comma is refreshing; in many of the roughs I have read here, there seems to be a lack of attention to that detail, which bugs me terribly! There was one or two grammatical issues that aren't worth pointing out - you will get them when you do a final edit, I am sure.

All in all - well done!

Best regards

CB

i really liked the story.

Thank you both for your feedback, particularly the comment about the comma usage. I found that more flattering than perhaps I should admit.

You have great skill in handling dialogue. I did experience a bit of confusion about who was who, but I believe that was my fault an not the fault of the story. On a re-reading all came clear, and probably would have first time around had I paid a bit more attention.

The buildup from polite good humour around the dinner table to the final resolution kept me interested in seeing how you would notch up the tension to each new level. The showdown, when it came, was very properly handled - the veiled threat to Villtr was the more deadly in its implication because it came softly and confidently.

I rarely read fantasy, but this I enjoyed. It does not suffer from the gross overblown writing that is so common in fantasy. These characters, this conversation, the situation you unfold for us, could be transferred to any age.

Finally, the drama is heightened by the simple fact that the central character never appears. She is conspicuous by the empty chair she does not occupy. Had she been at table, much of the impact of the last lines would have been lost.

Thanks garza, this definitely encourages me. I never like it when people use the fantasy genre just out of some desire to make up odd names or play with huge swords, so your feedback is very good news to me.

Really well written and, as Garza said, you handle dialogue really well. I'm already picking up tips on that side of things just from reading various examples of work as it's something I think I struggle with.

One thing that I've noticed with several pieces I've read today is that few mention whereabouts in the story the scene takes place, so I'm guessing in your story above some of these characters have already been introduced and described previously? If not then when does that take place?

This is what I'm struggling with - whether to fully describe each character in their first appearance in the book or to leave it for another time and let the story flow quicker as you have done above.

Hi Jamie. This part is the start of Chapter Three of a little project I'm working on called The Mechanical Apostles. Chapters One and Two are already up, a little way down the list, if you're interested. It's a WIP of course, but generally I introduce a character with a few brief descriptions and then let their dialogue and actions tell you more about them. Thanks for your feedback.

Hi, Gurro.

This indicates talent. I like the concept and wish I had read the first two chapters for background. From what you have posted I can infer a complex and well reasoned plotline, but…(you must have known this was coming)

You are trying to do too many things at once. You are (1) describing some major and minor principle characters who apparently have not yet been introduced. (2) describing a host of other things: the meal, the table, the seating arrangements, etc. (3) attempting to relate dialogue that is packed with tension and sinister innuendo, and you are attempting to do all of these things together. Break it up a bit.

You are putting your friend, the reader, through the wringer. Simplify the chapter’s construction through division of those chores listed above. Perhaps some small talk while you are doing the description instead of forcing the reader to absorb important dialogue in the midst of this description. I like the way you treated the absence of Freya and the cutting remark to the bishop (I also absolutely love the name Freya and I hope you have included the appropriate mythological allusions elsewhere. Could Bishop Villtr be the Giant who built the walls of Asgard?) Then you could include the serious discussion after dinner, during desert as is done at a formal dinner. Now, with all of the descriptive passages out of the way you could let the dialogue flow a bit, giving your reader less work to do. Now he can follow the discussion without constant interruptions by the narrator.

At the end, the Q&A between Fr. Dorian and Col. Alder should be short and sweet. The reader gets it. You don’t have to drive the point with a sledge as you did.

Last, there was one really awful sentence that you have to change. “After several minutes of subdued application to the food, broken only by approving mumbles…” There are two misusages here1) we don’t apply ourselves to food. We apply ourselves to our work, our studies, our sport etc. (2) We generally don’t give approving mumbles. We can mention approvals, Shout or scream approvals or approvingly. We mumble curses, embarrassed apologies, lurid propositions, etc.

I hope you don’t take this criticism to heart because I don’t mean to insult, but from your posts that I have read I know you can do much better than this.

Several of the characters are introduced in the first two chapters, so that should help to reduce confusion there. Perhaps I will mention one or two more prior to this scene for extra clarity. I've been mulling over the sentence you highlighted as being 'really awful' and to my mind it makes perfect sense, so I'll respectfully await a second opinion there.

I see what you mean about the details of the table, however, I felt it necessary for the reader to learn of this detail at the same rate as the diners, as it enables them to make oblique reference to their underlying hostility. Similarly, for the seating arrangement, I felt I had to mention it at the same time as the dialogue, firstly so the reader understood who was facing who etc, and secondly so they didn't forget, so I hoped in this case it would clarify the situation. Unfortunately, as you say, there is quite a lot to do at once in this section, and I hoped by introducing relevant info chronologically the scene would flow better and be easier to comprehend.

Thank you for the points about Norse mythology; I'll certainly take another look into that, and I'm very glad you like the name Freya. It took me a long time to choose. Thanks for taking the time to review.

I really like your use of gossip in this piece. I've never really been able to use that in my stories. At least I can say that my characters 'aren't of that type' (I guess I also am not, so it also doesn't come naturally). It seems as if there's something around the lines of a conspiracy? I don't know, I'm terrible with comprehension (and yet, here I am. It's different when you write your own story), and somehow I found this hard to track, but it's probably just me. I can be that way sometimes. Especially when I read Heart of Darkness not too long ago. It's only about 60 pages long, but holy man it's condensed and super boring (obviously, I didn't read it for fun). My teacher was all, 'some say that high school students (I'm a senior) can't even read this book, but I don't believe them." But, I guess that's what I get for being in AP. Anyway, you have me intrigued for more, though!

Just one thing.

brought out hot apple pie with crisp golden pastry and heaps of fresh cream. The scent was tantalising,

Scent suggests an animal, not food.

Thanks Dramatism and Rustgold. I think I might go through this again and see where I can iron out crinkles. I know there's a difference between complex and confusing so I might see if I can simplify or remove the references to the Compass and the table (though, that said, I don't want to lose the deceptively polite initial conversation).

Originally Posted by Higurro

*SNIP* there's a difference between complex and confusing so I might see if I can simplify or remove the references to the Compass and the table (though, that said, I don't want to lose the deceptively polite initial conversation).

I am completely with you on this. I know simple is usually better, but when building an entire world with complex characters and plots, all from your imagination, confusion can sometimes plop in as a natural occurrence, until we iron it out.. At least for me, anyway.

And you most definitely need to keep that 'deceptively polite conversation' intact. For me, it was what set up the entire scene. It may need a little work but not much. Thanks for sharing it!

Best regards

CB

Originally Posted by Higurro

I know there's a difference between complex and confusing so I might see if I can simplify or remove the references to the Compass and the table (though, that said, I don't want to lose the deceptively polite initial conversation).

I don't think you'd have to simplify it or remove it. Perhaps explain things a little more with narration. I know for my stories it's usually more of the mind then conversation, of course I get that you obviously have a different style, but I would like to see more explanations.

I also know that this is merely an excerpt of your story, but what I also found confusing was being bombarded with so many people at once. Are they all friends, or what is it? Is that implied and I just didn't catch it? I think another reason, for me, why it was confusing is because it didn't seem, too much, to be about one character. I find that having a central protagonist makes stories make more sense for me. Or, a few, depending on the chapter.