Thread: As the Light Fades (little teaser of my current project)

My dearest people, citizens of the Empire. Alas do we stand at the brink of a precipice...
We stare, defiant, in to the maw of an abyss; the jaws of oblivion. The darkness lies
before us; The darkness of Total War. We must go to fight once again.
And, like we have in the past, we shall prevail.

The full moon cast its baleful gaze on to the forest below, bathing all it surveyed in a menacing
half-light. It was utterly silent. There was no wind whistling among the branches of the tall
pines, no owls screeching in the night. There was no movement in the shrubs and weeds that
blanketed the forest floor, no nocturnal creatures blinked up in to the silver light... There was
nothing but the silence, and the watchful eye of the moon above.

But the air was oppressive. Thrumming, it seemed, with anticipation; it was waiting for something.
Something horrible; something inevitable.

It began suddenly. From the shadows of the trees, a man stepped forward in to the light of the moon.
He was clothed all in black, hooded and cloaked. He was silent as he moved lithely, cat-like, in to the
centre of a clearing. His body was coiled and tense; he felt trapped in these woods. Mile upon
mile of towering pine constantly staring down at him, imprisoning him in the gloom. But in the clearing
he remained, for he was waiting.

A few moments passed when a piercing sound emerged from the near-distance. The figure reached up
to his mouth and, cupping his hands, he perfectly emulated the noise. The darkness around him seemed
to press in further, intrigued by this break in the precious silence.

Others began to emerge from shadow. All were similarly garbed; all in black, bearing the same hood
and cloak of their predecessor. Ten, at first, appeared, followed then by another group.
Eventually, the clearing was filled with three-score men or more. They did not speak at first; merely
nodding to one another in greeting. The mood in the clearing was pensive. All in attendance were
quiet, some shuffling their feet. The nervous tension was palpable.

They were all, to the man, armed similarly. Short, horned bows were held in readiness, whilst some
brandished pairs of wicked-looking daggers. These were men under no illusions: they were all
dangerous - dangerous men in dangerous company.

When all had settled, one of their number stepped forward in to the centre of the throng. He turned
this way and that, gazing at all the determined faces.

"I thank you all for coming when called," he said, his voice carrying despite the words spoken barely
above a whisper, "I do not ask you this lightly, for many here are simple men, some are men with
responsibilities, men with important lives. Some of you are merchants, some are hunters. Some have
lands and titles beyond these trees. Some, admittedly, have less... reputable professions," there was
a brief snigger in the clearing, "however, here we all stand, together, in defiance of a tyrannical rule.
A rule that promotes malice, cruelty and bigotry amongst its populace. Clearly, I speak of the Order."

The men remained silent, but all had tensed further; now with anger. "All my life have I fought, in
secret, against this blight on our land, as have all of you. We are the last defence against the
stagnation - the ruination - that the Order has forced upon our people. Our people - once a proud
race of artificers, tradesmen, philosophers and artists - has withered in to a parody of itself. To this I say: no more."

The speaker gazed around him, watching all the faces of the men, their attention focused entirely
on his words. "An artefact of vast significance has recently come in to my possession, procured by
two of our number from the depths of the Iron Temple... at great cost." From the deep folds of his
cloak, the speaker pulled a book, old and battered, the thick leather cover cracked in places. He
held it aloft for all to see, some eyes widened in astonishment. "Some of you may know this book, the
rest have undoubtedly heard stories of it, rumours and whispers in darkened alleys. What I hold in my
hand is the Compendium... the last surviving collection of ideologies, inventions and theories that pre-dates
the Order and its grand Purge. With this book, gentlemen, we have our chance."

As abruptly as he stopped speaking, the others began, chattering excitedly to one-another, weapons forgotten
at their sides. Many came to the speaker, clapping him on the back, offering words of awe and disbelief.
However, one voice rose above the tumult, deep and resonant: "What exactly will you do, Lord Graele?" a large
man stepped forward, "what makes you think, even with this tattered old relic, that we could possibly defeat
the Order and its inquisitors?" A few among the throng had quietened down, their innermost thoughts given voice.
"We are but a few men. A few against untold thousands. We can't win this war."

They all turned to Graele, seeking some reassurance, a shred of hope from he that started everything. But he remained silent.

Hi Sir Roberts. I am interested to know more about this story. Mainly is this excerpt the opening chapter? and is this set in your own created world?
I am also curious to know if the first paragraph 'my dearest people . . .' is your own quote or one from somewhere else?
I will say that I enjoyed this piece, particuarly your description of this place. I have to admit that at times I found parts a little confusing, but maybe this was because I was wrongly taking this as an opening chapter?
Anyway I would definitely like to read more of this story if it is your intention to post more excerpts.

Well, first thing to note is that you might want to have posted more. The ending is a bit abrupt, I'd recommend posting the full chapter. However, I like the description, and use of mood to convey scenery.

Bruce, thanks for replying to the post. To answer your questions: Yes this is the very start of the project, the opening to chapter 1, and yes it is my own work. The short opening is my own quote, the purpose of which will become apparent later. If I could ask what you found confusing it would help me a lot, but the idea was to leave a lot ambiguous, as the narrative unfolds as it progresses.

Also to Nevermore, thank you for replying. I did want to post more but I was worried about the reception it would recieve, and a friend of mine suggested just posting an excerpt from chapter 1; the ending as it is in this post isn't even the actual ending, merely the first sentence of the next paragraph. Anyway, I'm rambling. What I wante dto ask is whether I should post the continuation in THIS thread or start a new one. What do you think?

Regards to both of you.

You could post the entire chapter here, then, fi it gets good reviews, post the rest of the story as a seperate thread.

I rather like this. There are one or two SPG errors like writing 'in to' instead of 'into' (and I apologise if 'in to' is in fact correct, but I've always used 'into'). The main thing I would question with this excerpt is that it's all a bit sudden. The reveal of the book is undoubtedly an important moment in the plot, but is given no build-up. There is no anticipation, which the men would surely be feeling. I know you wanted ambiguity, but I personally feel a bit lost, like I've just arrived at a party and all of a sudden I'm talking to six people I'v never met before... well, you see what I mean. A good way to increase the immersion and believability of the scene is to have the reader feel what the characters feel, and that means the reader would have to know as much as if they were a character, actually there - provided that doesn't give away major plot points.

As a side note, I have uploaded an entire chapter for review here, but I split mine into thirds to give a bit of time for people to read them, rather than putting the whole thing up at once. It's just one way of doing it.

ps I like the quotation in italics at the start, but I feel that this could be expanded. Maybe you should write a new 'chapter 1' and have this as chapter 2 instead. The new bit doesn't have to include these characters necessarily, but something that sets the context and allows me to feel part of this new world. Hope that helps.

Hi Sir Roberts. The part I found a little confusing was when your man produces the book and says:

"Some of you may know this book, the rest have undoubtedly heard stories of it, rumours and whispers in darkened alleys. What I hold in my
hand is the Compendium... the last surviving collection of ideologies, inventions and theories that pre-dates
the Order and its grand Purge. With this book, gentlemen, we have our chance."

It may just be a personal thing, but to me this part felt as if a lot was suddenly sprung on me as the reader. I assume that when the character says 'with this . . . we have our chance' he means that the book gives them the chance to overthrow the tyrannical rule. If it were me, I would have considered having the character talk about the aim to overthrow the rule first, and then produce the book a little while later on in the chapter. For me this would make the chapter less confusing because I would know the 'why' and then the 'how' rather than having them both given in quick succession.
Of course if your intention is, as you say, to leave a lot ambiguous then maybe this would not work.
Anyway I hope some of this helps.
P.s. I must say I am surprised that the italics paragraph at the start is your own quote, I felt it had a distinct Roman feel and I wonder whether this was your intention?

I thought it was fine the way the book was introduced. Perhaps a little more build up would not go a miss though.

One thing stuck out at me: "The darkness around him seemed to press in further, intrigued by this break in the precious silence." It sounds like you are giving the darkness a point of view.

I may be nit picking and its a simple addition of "as though", but I love the line.

The phrasing "lithely,cat-like" was awkward to me - it took me out of your story into thinking "is that correct usage?"

I suggest simply "lithe as a cat"

I really, REALLY enjoyed reading this, I was intrigued by the story, and really liked the part of it you showed us. But it does seem to be right in the middle of the story. This book is a major plot development, I think you should put a lot of thought into how and why it survived destruction from the purge; how the book was found; and why it wasn't found earlier.

I love the detail (i myself and a detail whore) the begining is very well written and visual. All in all it would be something i would continue to read.