Thread: H.E.A.E.I.B. Chapters 44 and 45 (Violence and Language)

Chapter 44: The war in Europe 9: The battle of Vienna.

The soldiers blast open doors and enter the buildings to clear them out. The streets were silent and no one in sight. Luke looked out the window of the jeep. The silent streets made him feel nervous. The jeep was farther in than the soldiers and alone. A rocket sends the jeep rocking sideways as it crashes into a empty car right behind it. Luke, Samantha and the drive quickly get out of the jeep. From the corner of his eye he can see enemy movement then can the sound of another rocket fired. Luke grabs Samantha and both of them jump through the window and quickly duck right below the windowsill.
The jeep takes full hit and explodes into a huge fireball. The driver burns to death. The two became temporarily deaf and couldn't tell what's happening. The dust blinded their eyes. Something hard crashed on the outside and peoples shouts came louder but couldn't tell if it's the enemy or his men. A few outlines of people appear in the dust. Someone grabs Luke by his arms and drags him outside. The ringing in his ears slowly dissipates and is replaced by sounds of gunshots and explosions. Water gets splashed on his face unexpectedly. He coughs out the water that went in his mouth and clears his face.
He quickly looks around to see himself being surrounded by his own soldiers. Many of the cars were up in flames while some buildings were half destroyed. A Blue Fighter plane has crashed on the road. Its wings were demolished. More soldiers drag Samantha out of the debris. She's yelping in pain. One of her arms is in a weird angle. They splash water in her face just as they did to Luke. He staggers up and tries to get to her but a wave of pain came to his head.
"Sir, you need to rest! You've taken a severe blow to your head." One of the soldiers said.
"What's wrong with her?" He asked.
"A broken arm by the looks of it." The soldier replied.
"What happened here?" he questioned the soldier.
"You're jeep has taken heavy fire by the enemy. We were just a block away from here when we heard the explosion. So we rushed here as quick as possible. once we got here, we got rid of the soldiers that tried to kill you and dragged out of the disembowled shop." The soldier answered.
Machine fire can be heard just a few streets away just as a dozen or so tanks arrive at the scene and enter the fray. The soldiers follow the tanks, hidden behind its armor. The tank fires and sends a group of them into pieces. Another tanks sends a building to pieces and one machine gun falls out. The soldiers enter the city center. Everything's viciously quiet. The tanks spread out around the center. many windows bust open and machine gunners fire at the soldiers. Then the rocket launchers aim their rockets at the tanks and blast them apart. A line of Blue fighters Fly across the center and blast their own rockets into the buildings. They explode on impact killing everything. those that survived the explosion crawl out of the buildings like ants. The soldiers aim at them and kill them without regret. Luke arrives at the center in another armored vehicle. He looks out the window at the mess and the dead bodies.
"Damn them. They took out nearly a thousand soldiers with that surprise attack. At least this battle is won." He thought to himself.


Chapter 45: The war in Europe 10: Another charge to another borderline

The next day after the battle of Vienna we cleared the streets of the dead so the people that returned from hiding wouldn't see the carnage that happened here. After we were done with that, we head towards the Austria-Czech border. To me it feels like we have victory in our grasp but the last battle made me realize that there wasn't enough soldiers countering us. I feel the tension in the air as well. This morning we've stopped at a huge lake. It's a very beautiful view. At the very center of the lake is a small island with a church built on it. Too bad that Samantha can't see it. After her broken arm injury, i've sent her back to the base where she can heal up. I've decided to stay here and rest up.
Luke turns off the device he was talking to and places it on the table and exits his bedroom with nothing but a swimsuit and a towel.
"I knew you'd be here." Someone called out behind him.
He turns around to see who's talking. The captain continues to walk towards him.
"Every soldier deserves a break once in a while. I see that the medics have fixed up already." Luke replied.
The captain smirks and looks out at the lake.
"Out for a morning swim I see." He said.
"Yup and you should get some rest as well. Don't want you getting banged up already." Luke said.
"Yeah I should. I just came from the other side of the lake and nothing's happened yet." He replied.
"That's good. Tell the soldiers that are on guard to watch their backs." Luke ordered.
The captain nods and walks away from Luke while he turns around and jumps into the warm lake.

* * * * * *

Berlin, Germany; Inside the new Nazis headquarters:

The blast proof doors open and Hitler walks in. Inside the room was a long table with lots of chairs. At the other side of the room was a huge flat screen TV Hanging on the wall. The blast proof doors close shutting the only light out. The screen pops on and the Devil appears in it. Hitler bows down deeply.
"What the hell are you doing?" The Devil growled angrily.
"Sir, I didn't realize that he had such a huge and strong army!" Hitler replied back hastily.
"You've lost me some valuable countries!" Devil continued to growl.
"Yes I know and I'm sorry sir. But I regrouped my army and put up some strong forces around the remaining countries,
especially where he's heading to now." Hitler replied back more bravely.
The Devil thinks for a few seconds.
"You better fix it up now, or you're finished along with your plans." He belowed.
"Yes sir!" Hitler replied and bows again as the screen pops off.
The blast doors open up again and he walks out with a evil look in his face. His minions stand right next to the blast proof doors.
"Send 'them' to the Czech Republic at once!" He ordered.
His minions nod in approval and vanish into the air.

*********
The next morning, Luke wakes up and prepares himself for the upcoming day. He exits the Blue Transport Plane to check out his army.
"Sir, we're ready to go through the borderline." a soldier announced.
"Good! Then send the armored trucks to cross the borders at once." Luke ordered.
The soldier nods and runs off. An armored jeep stops in front of Luke and the passenger door opens up.
"Need a lift?" The captain asked.
Luke jumps into the jeep and drives towards the borderline.
It took them nearly four hours to pass the borderline. The first towns and villages they passed through were decimated. Nothing but half destroyed buildings met their eyes with no signs of life. They enter one of the towns centers to find a huge hill of dead bodies. Hundreds of babies were stabbed through a staff that is even higher than the mount of dead bodies.
"My god. What kinds of psycho bastards would do such thing?" Luke bellowed as he saw the bodies.
The scent of rotting bodies fill up his nostrils. He chokes on the smell while trying to keep himself from puking out his breakfast.
"I just got messaged from the scouting planes that everything is nearly destroyed. Like if a tornado swept through here." The captain announced.

***********


Inside Nazis HQ; Hitler is sitting inside his office reading something. An young boy appears at the front of his desk.
"You called for me sir?" The boy asked.
Hitler looks up at him.
"Yes, for this mission your name will be 'Ivan'. I want you to head towards Prague. Luke should be heading there at this moment. Once he gets there make sure you join his army. Once you're in, assassinate him while hes busy, alone or asleep!" He ordered.
The young boy bows and disappears into thin air.
"Now the war is turning upside down. Right Noah?" Hitler said.
Out of the shadows Noah approaches.
"Yes! As long as I have Russia that is." He hissed.
The two of them laugh evilly.

************
Hours later, Luke and his company stop fro a moment on the outskirts of a city named Brno. The soldiers line up in order while the captain and Luke approach them.
"Alright soldiers listen up!" The captain shouted.
The soldiers quiet down and turn their attention to Luke.
"We'll do the same thing like we did in Italy! We have a rendezvous point in Prague, so if anyone gets split out or gets lost, that's where we all meet with the H company a.k.a Heros company. Now that's all I wanted to say. Go and rescue these people from the demons of hell!" Luke ordered.
The soldiers shout of approval and charge into Brno.

Ok, i've gotten a chance to completely read your story up to this point. You have 2 big problem, and 1 minor 1.

the first big problem lies in your story: it's too complicated. It has too many ideas that end up making it sound too childish. I could have made a story about a half-demon, half-angel guy in a world of different supernatural creatures. I could have added parts about immortality, magic wizards and witches, not to mention a host of other sci-fi ideas. But i didn't. Those are ideas for other books. You've added nazis, political turmoil, and (in the future chapters you posted on another site ) atlantis. A streamlines story keeps reader interest. Also make sure you have the politics down. You seemed to have misconceptions as to how the american and international political dynamics work in your future chapters with grees.

Your second problem: You need to polish up a little grammar in a few places. All sentences must have a verb. Make sure that you use the correct adjectives. English has lots and lots of adjectives and you need to remember that certain ones are only for certain situations.

You began with a good story and style. But you need to keep a focus and clean up your grammar a tad to truly have people interested in your work.

Loads of problem within your two chapters for me.

Firstly, they are both too small. In each paragraph, your trying to fit too much information into one small area. Add more description or make it all onto one chapter.

Secondly, it's military. Why call him "Luke"? Please, call him by his last name and his rank. You did well calling the Captain Captain! Also do research on the military, look at what sort of language they use. Also look at the structure of the military because in one part Hitler ordered soldiers to go attack Czech directly. It takes planning, and you wouldn't tell the soldiers straight away. You'd tell your advisors, your commander of the armies. Also refer to german ranks in Nazi Germany when adding this.

Thirdly, add more description about the devil and Hitler. You wouldn't have a flatscreen TV so let the devil appear in the fireplace or something. Give him more description. Why is he there? Perhaps mention when speaking what the devils intentions are exactly. You need to do a lot of research into Hitler also. His personality, he wouldn't do the things you've said he's done most likely. Add history with the supernatural elements.

Fourthly, your switching between first and second and third person. Decide which one to use! I'd suggest third person, if I was writing something along these lines. This also connects in with your grammar, you need to improve it greatly. Also use a thesaurus and dictionary, use more descriptive words.

Helpful tips: Watch the film Behind Enemy Lines with Owen Wilson. In that film, there is a scene where there is loads of dead bodies in a ditch. It basically is the image I get from reading the part when Luke sees some while travelling to wherever.

I really have noticed that you ignore most advice given to you. We're not here to bring you down, we're here to help you. You do need to improve on these things, and when you do your abilities in writing will improve exponentially.

I think that you interpreted Atlantis the wrong way. It's a underground prison not the Atlantis as people know it. The government stuff is all under The Devils control by the chapters that lamperoux left off. There's not ranking system in the story because the nazis act like demons. They don't have any military structure just run rampant and kill or capture those that they see. Luke is the creator of his army and gave the captain some control (That's why i named him that way). The soldiers only follow those that Luke tells them to. I didn't want any military rankings because it would confuse me with who is what and there'll be more characters introduced that will have somewhat of a ranking system of its own.

So ranking systems confuse you, but you'll introduce characters with a sort of ranking system later?
Hitler is still Hitler and the actions should reflect the man, else there's no point in having him if he doesn't act like the real Hitler.
You also need to understand the ways the world and US government works. It would be silly to think that the congress is all human but only the president is a devil, no? Make it consistent. You WILL have to change major things, that's just how it is. Better now while it's easier than later when it gets much much harder to change.

Originally Posted by Lamperoux

So ranking systems confuse you, but you'll introduce characters with a sort of ranking system later?
Hitler is still Hitler and the actions should reflect the man, else there's no point in having him if he doesn't act like the real Hitler.
You also need to understand the ways the world and US government works. It would be silly to think that the congress is all human but only the president is a devil, no? Make it consistent. You WILL have to change major things, that's just how it is. Better now while it's easier than later when it gets much much harder to change.

No no, the president isn't a devil and he's not involved in evil things. I think you know what i meant about the new characters. U did read my entire story right? Then you should know what new characters are about to enter the frey.

Then make the politics of it all believable, because right now it's not.

I will once I get to it.

You should get to it now, really. It's a major major flaw in your story.

Originally Posted by Lamperoux

You should get to it now, really. It's a major major flaw in your story.

I was thinking that i should start the story again, seeing that i have major flaws in it. I also thought about changing the title of the story but I have no clue how to name it. I somewhat wrote a prologue to the story on a scrap piece of paper. Any new title ideas can be helpful. Also i've decided to have these chapters as rough drafts so i can fix up major problems.

I like the description, but notice that

The soldiers blast open doors and enter the buildings to clear them out. The streets were silent

Switches tenses, which riles me, though I really like the story itself and your writing style.

I am glad you are deciding to start again. Here are some notes for you:

Past tense...it's more versatile. There's only one real tense for the present, there are 3 for past (I think).
Second, never describe things right away. Make it flow.
Your chapters should be much much longer. I would say you should have a few thousand words for each chapter.
Don't just explain things. Let the reader discover things and be in awe.

Good Luck!

Originally Posted by Lamperoux

I am glad you are deciding to start again. Here are some notes for you:

Past tense...it's more versatile. There's only one real tense for the present, there are 3 for past (I think).
Second, never describe things right away. Make it flow.
Your chapters should be much much longer. I would say you should have a few thousand words for each chapter.
Don't just explain things. Let the reader discover things and be in awe.

Good Luck!

That's my plan but the prologue will thrust the reader into the story quickly and smoothly and it might be long.

Hey, I've read some of your story and several things jump out at me. First, you jump between past and present tense a lot. You must decide which will work best for your book and stick to it unless you have a reason for doing so, flashbacks for example. I've read through the comments and read that the armies are the devil and his minions? If this is the case you should write it in a different setting. Doing a piece set in WW2 requires an absolutely huge amount of historical research - everything from knowing which army divisions were where at what times and under who's command to knowing the dialect soldiers used back then. By putting the story in a fictional context you can make these things up yourself for your own reasons without sacrificing historical accuracy. If you insist on writing a story set during the Second World War, try to scale it down, that way it is easier to fictionalise - read the Thin Red Line, a book about a fictional army division on Guadalcanal. Watch the Band of Brothers miniseries to get an idea of how soldiers spoke and do piles of research. Unfortunately, picking something specialist like historical period drama, there is no way you can pull it off without researching.