Thread: The Black Apple-Tree

Well, I dug this little gem up on my hard drive, a story I was writing about a world called Rubicon that refl- you know what? Read and find out. Well, read chapter three, the prologue is a bit vague.

The Black Apple-Tree


Chapter 1: Chance Meetings

A lone man stood in a forest clearing. Night had spread its grip over the horizon, pitch black shadows carried away along surrounding wind, yet light seemed to permeate every crevice, a dull flickering flame that came from nowhere.

The man was hunched over a small rock shaped like a chess piece, but the harder one tried to make out what it was, the more blurred it became. It appeared to blur like putty, like it was every different shap at once. The man had ruffled, windswept black hair that fell over his carelessly handsome face, with piercing, ocean blue eyes. A thick yet tattered and torn cape of darkest black was draped over his shoulders and he wore a simple tunic and pants that gave off a vaguely Italian feel.

"Back again, Lenzo?" A figure strode into the clearing, his left arm hunched as if in a sling. Over his face was a mask made of dark ivy leaves, who's roots seemed to grow from out of his head. Skin could be made out, but only just barely. Long sweeping robes of a black-green rimmed with gold flowed around him, and he gave a very elegant impression. Beyond two tiny slits between the ivy leaves, two gleaming eyes of gold beamed, shivering with intellect and precision.
Lenzo stood up and smiled, holding the mysterious rock in his hands. "I couldn't seem to keep away. Perhaps it's your wining personality."

The Ivy-Masked figure threw his head back and chuckled. "Yes, I can see why my multiple attempts to kill you would have endeared you to me."

Lenzo smiled faintly again. "So, exactly how do things fare with you, Renge?"

Renge gave a theatrical sigh. "Life as usual within the Rubicon."

Lenzo turned around to walk off into the dark, but with a shimmering blur of leaves, Renge stepped out of the thin air in front of him. "The Cabél Wings, Lenzo."

Lenzo grinned. "What, you think I came all this way to give you my cape?"

Renge shrugged. "I only hope."

Lenzo laughed as he stepped back, his image shimmering like a two dimensional reflection. His figure folded in on itself like a piece of paper, crumpling backwards and dissolving into impossible angels and faded shapes As his image burst backwards and vanished, his last grin seeming to echo in the space he had so recently occupied.

"So close yet so far, mate." His voice whispered in the air.

Renge sighed once again. "Again with all the running..."

Another figure appeared out from behind, her image unfolding out of the air like a blossoming flower. She wore a simple dress of black satin and emerald colored hems, with long, pure white hair. Over her face was a simple mask of oak wood, rough and smelling of the deepest parts of the forest, blank but for a single slit on the left eye for seeing.

"Escaped again?"

Renge spat on the ground. "Stealing inspiration in a world of imagination. Poetic, is it not, Caspia?

Caspia tossed her long, snow colored hair over her shoulder, smiling behind her mask. "You hold grudges far too long, Renge. Anyways, don't you think you should have warned him about all those Implacable Hounds you were complaining about earlier? If I recall, they're in the same place he just left for." Her ice blue eyes grinned with warm laughter.

Renge chuckled. "What? And give the sly bastard such an unfair advantage?"

Caspia smiled. "Right. Well, I've got some business to attend to. Later"

With a twist, her image flickered like a hologram and crumpled backwards like a piece of old newspaper, folding into space and falling into nothingness.

As Caspia departed, Renge's gaze became more narrow and serious. With a flourish, he snapped his fingers. Another figure burst out of the air, vibrating violently into existence without the grace of Caspia and Lenzo.

"My lord?" The strange creature asked, draped in ragged dark green robes with antlers arcing from his head and, most unnerving of all, had no face, simply a blank stretch of skin.

Renge's eyes brimmed with uncertainty, and what could be made of his mouth was curved into a frown. "What are the coordinates for the Implacable Hounds?"

"Nine, seven, fourteen, grouped around a school near the Impacted Tower."

Renge swore loudly. "This can't be accident." He looked up mournfully.

The strange creature looked up uncertainly. "Lord, why didn't you tell Lenzo or Caspia more about this? This problem seems from my eyes, metaphorically speaking of course,-" It broke off and gestured at its blank face.

"-To be troubling. Aspects from the Rubicon shouldn't influence the Real World, save a few rogue entities like Lenzo."

Renge spoke again, his cold voice cutting through the night air. "And they would tell me not to act. Without conclusive evidence, the Seat would simply ban me from leaving through the Tower to investigate. Best remain in secrecy for now...."

The hunched creature bowed. "Of course."

"You are dismissed."

With a shaking intake of breath, the creature burst backwards, folding into thin air.

Renge gazed around the night sky, then shook the sleeve of his robe into a more comfortable position. "All this mystery will be the death of me."

He shook his head, and slowly faded, unfolding and shattering, like a broken reflection in a pond.

Originally Posted by Nevermore

Well, I dug this little gem up on my hard drive, a story I was writing about a world called Rubicon that refl- you know what? Read and find out. Well, read chapter three, the prologue is a bit vague.

The Black Apple-Tree


Chapter 1: Chance Meetings

A lone man stood in a forest clearing. Night had spread its grip over the horizon, pitch black shadows carried away along surrounding wind, yet light seemed to permeate every crevice, a dull flickering flame that came from nowhere. (This is unclear. There is no sun, but yet there is light? So is it light or dark? Or somewhere in between?)

The man was hunched over a small rock shaped like a chess piece, but the harder one tried to make out what it was, the more blurred it became. It appeared to blur like putty, like it was every different shap at once. ( Again, this is slightly unclear. This object appears to have a distinct shape, except when you look directly at it? Or do the edges of its shape blur when you look at it?) The man had ruffled, windswept black hair that fell over his carelessly handsome face, with piercing, ocean blue eyes. A thick yet tattered and torn cape of (the) darkest black was draped over his shoulders and he wore a simple tunic and pants that gave off a vaguely Italian feel. (Vaguely Italian. Does this story have any overlaps with the real world?)

"Back again, Lenzo?" A figure strode into the clearing, his left arm hunched ("hunched" is a weird description for an arm in a sling, perhaps "bent" or "angled" would better serve you here) as if in a sling. Over his face was a mask made of dark ivy leaves, who's (whose) roots seemed to grow from out of his head. Skin could be made out, but only just barely. Long sweeping robes of a black-green rimmed with gold flowed around him, and he gave a very elegant impression. Beyond two tiny slits between the ivy leaves, two gleaming eyes of gold beamed, shivering (shivering or shimmering? I'm not sure if shivering is what you want here) with intellect and precision.
Lenzo stood up and smiled, holding the mysterious rock in his hands. "I couldn't seem to keep away. Perhaps it's your wining (winning) personality."

The Ivy-Masked figure threw his head back and chuckled. (This is a strange action. Throwing your head back to only chuckle? Most would do that to laugh out loud, a chuckle seems a bit to reserved for this kind of action) "Yes, I can see why my multiple attempts to kill you would have endeared you to me."

Lenzo smiled faintly again. "So, exactly how do things fare with you, Renge?"

Renge gave a theatrical sigh. "Life as usual within the Rubicon."

Lenzo turned around to walk off into the dark, but with a shimmering blur of leaves, Renge stepped out of the thin air in front of him. "The Cabél Wings, Lenzo."

Lenzo grinned. "What, you think I came all this way to give you my cape?"

Renge shrugged. "I only hope."

Lenzo laughed as he stepped back, his image shimmering like a two dimensional reflection. His figure folded in on itself like a piece of paper, crumpling backwards and dissolving into impossible angels and faded shapes As his image burst backwards and vanished, his last grin seeming to echo in the space he had so recently occupied.

"So close yet so far, mate." His voice whispered in the air.

Renge sighed once again. "Again with all the running..."

Another figure appeared out from behind, her image unfolding out of the air like a blossoming flower. She wore a simple dress of black satin and emerald colored hems, with long, pure white hair. Over her face was a simple mask of oak wood, rough and smelling of the deepest parts of the forest, blank but for a single slit on the left eye for seeing.

"Escaped again?" (She asked)

Renge spat on the ground. "Stealing inspiration in a world of imagination. Poetic, is it not, Caspia?

Caspia tossed her long, snow colored hair over her shoulder, smiling behind her mask. "You hold grudges far too long, Renge. Anyways, don't you think you should have warned him about all those Implacable Hounds you were complaining about earlier? If I recall, they're in the same place he just left for." Her ice blue eyes grinned (Again, not sure if eyes can "grin," though I think "gleam" would be most apt here) with warm laughter. (Also, should it not be her "eye," vs her "eyes?" I thought the single slit in her mask made only one of them visible?

Renge chuckled. "What? And give the sly bastard such an unfair advantage?"

Caspia smiled. "Right. Well, I've got some business to attend to. Later" (Awkward transition here. Or maybe she is just an awkward character, but the transaction between these two seemed off.)

With a twist, her image flickered like a hologram and crumpled backwards like a piece of old newspaper, folding into space and falling into nothingness.

As Caspia departed, Renge's gaze became more narrow and serious. With a flourish, he snapped his fingers. Another figure burst out of the air, vibrating violently into existence without the grace of Caspia and Lenzo.

"My lord?" The strange creature asked, draped in ragged dark green robes with antlers arcing from his head and, most unnerving of all, had no face, simply a blank stretch of skin.

Renge's eyes brimmed with uncertainty, and what could be made of his mouth was curved into a frown. "What are the coordinates for the Implacable Hounds?"

"Nine, seven, fourteen, grouped around a school near the Impacted Tower."

Renge swore loudly. "This can't be (an) accident." He looked up mournfully.

The strange creature looked up uncertainly. "Lord, why didn't you tell Lenzo or Caspia more about this? This problem seems from my eyes, metaphorically speaking of course,-" It broke off and gestured at its blank face.

"-To be troubling. Aspects from the Rubicon shouldn't influence the Real World, save a few rogue entities like Lenzo." (Ah, so Rubicon and the Real World, which I presume to be earth, coexist? Interesting)

Renge spoke again, his cold voice cutting through the night air. "And they would tell me not to act. Without conclusive evidence, the Seat would simply ban me from leaving through the Tower to investigate. Best remain in secrecy for now...."

The hunched creature bowed. "Of course."

"You are dismissed."

With a shaking intake of breath, the creature burst backwards, folding into thin air.

Renge gazed around the night sky, then shook the sleeve of his robe into a more comfortable position. "All this mystery will be the death of me."

He shook his head, and slowly faded, unfolding and shattering, like a broken reflection in a pond.

Well, this is interesting. I especially like how the characters teleport, how they fold in on themselves and disappear is pretty cool. However, some of your descriptions are a bit confusing and I would advise re-reading and revising some of them if you plan on taking this further. Also, the interactions between your characters came across as awkward, obviously I don't quite know everything about each character, but how they interact with one another should be more relatable to how people interact in the real world, and in the case with Caspia and Renge, it didn't. But from what I managed to glean from this, there appears to be a pretty cool plot developing. I would like to read it if you pursued it.

Yeah, I've decided to try re-editing it because I'm a bit fond of the base concept I was using when writing them. I actually haven't really edited them, but I plan to eventually. I may post chapter 2 soon.

I don't give people illusions as to if their work is good or not. I think it's unfair to them and i would hope they would treat me with a good and helpful eye as well.

But you have done very well with this. It has a sort of air about it. Your first paragraph sets a sort of style to the images in my head that is absolutely beautiful. It has a good air to it. And your idea of magic is great. It's none of this harry potter nonsense-- it's fresh and interesting.

Philosophocles has listed a lot of the problems as well. But i think you tend to do something i am guilty of myself-- You seem to rush through some parts. Just take your time and write through all the parts or just go back and add what's needed.

overall, nice job.

Chapter 2: Apprehensions and Introductions

Lennart gave a rather weighty sigh. Rain drizzled as a carpet of shining dew drops across the window, and a deep monochrome dusk had settled. His normally upbeat and rather laid back personality quickly became slow and melancholy during heavy rain.

"Mr. Dune, would you like to elaborate to the class what I had been explaining earlier?" Mr. Urquhart said sharply, slamming his ruler down on Lennart's desk, causing him to slip and fall, pin wheeling his arms like a windmill.

As he got to his feet, punctuated by a backdrop of the classes laughter, he said. "Erm, does it involve numbers? And equations?"

More laughter as Mr. Urquharts lips became a thin white line. "Detention, Mr. Dune." Marching back to his desk, he commented dryly, "I do not accept cheek or laziness from anyone," He looked stern, but not overly furious. "Do try to leave those particular attributes at home."

As Lennart forced his long, lanky frame back into the chair, he frowned, quickly slipping back into his dull melancholy.

₪

Several hours later, he had finally made his way to the lunch line and out of the throng of the interrogative question/answer process that was math class. Grabbing a rubbery burger off the line and quickly paying for it, he slid down to a table far in the corner, next to a window. As he gazed out the rain, something stepped out of the dark. It was a small figure, like a dog, but its body was round like a bloated tick. It set Lennart on edge, and he felt a shudder run down his body.

"Why do you always sit next to windows when they make you so damn depressed?"

Lennart jumped, the voice had jolted him, especially after seeing that thing out the window. Will had sat down beside Lennart, holding his own lunch, much to the jealousy of anyone buying theirs at the school, throwing furtive looks of longing at his food.

"Melancholy. A sad form of contemplativeness. Not depressed. Completely different things."

Will snatched the burger out of Lennarts hands, "How can you eat this garbage?" He said, staring shrewdly at the burger, as if he expected it to come to life and apologize for tasting so bad.

Lennart shrugged, pulling the burger back and brushing a shock of his sandy, flyaway hair from his eyes.

"Food is food." He shrugged. He looked out the window, but the strange thing had vanished.

"Except the disgusting lump of 'stuff' you hold in your hands is about as far from food as my shoe." Emma remarked as she sat down on Lennarts other side. "Mark my words, you'll drop dead from food poisoning if you continue with that crap."

Lennart pulled her lunchbox from her hands. "Fine then, give me some of yours."

"Hey, hands off!" Emma managed to pull her food away before Lennart could fully wrestle a sandwich from the dark confines of synthetic fibers and ice packs.

Lennart slumped, staring forlornly at his burger. "But you're right!" Mock horror was etched across his face as he edged his hand closer to Emma's lunchbox. "I'll get food poisoning, and would you really want your own friend to die when you could save them?"

Emma poked his backpack with a pencil, simultaneously slapping Lennart's hand away from her sandwich. "Tell you what Lennart, lend me your Science homework, and I'll give you half of my sandwich."

"Ah! Thanks Emma!" He threw a piece of paper traced with long lines of answers about minerals and soil composition, while he simultaneously grabbed the half of sandwich Emma passed to him, staring at it like it was the largest diamond in the world.

"Why don't you bring your own lunch? There's a grocery store five minutes from your house." Will asked.

Emma snorted, and without even looking up from her paper, said. "Because he's too lazy, why else?"

Lennart was about to protest, but another guy sat down near them, his windswept blond hair flying in every direction as he sat down.

"He, what's up?"

Lennart took another bite of Emma's sandwich. "Hey Jason."

Emma nodded, still focused on copying Lennart's work, while Will gave him a nod, a bit more focused on his food.

He leaned in and spoke up. "Did you hear? Mr. Summers has this whole crazy thing planned for today!" Lennart wasn't listening much though, another one of those odd objects had passed into his sight farther out, near the tree's. It vanished as quickly as it had appeared though, and he looked over to hear Will speaking.

"What?" Will asked, and Lennart could tell he was sure they were going to get that crazy substitute who spent each class teaching them about his many varied conspiracy theories.

Reading his expression, Jason shook his head. "No, it's not the Conspiracy Theory sub."

Both Lennart and Will seemed to wilt, as the class was. . . interesting, under that particular subs rants.

Emma triumphantly broke the silence with a victoriously yell. "Finished!" She waved the sheet above her head. "Hah, Summers can't give me detention again, I actually finished it this time."

Jason shrugged. "No need. We're doing this geographical survey today, that's what I was telling you. Mr. Summers isn't collecting the homework." As Emma broke into a stream of swear words, Jason turned to Will and spoke. "So, did you go to the Endgame Concert last night?"

Will gave a sigh. "Ach, no. Lennart went though."

Lennart nodded, grinning. "There was a mash pit, with lots of fireworks. One came, like, this close to hitting me." Lennart's gaze and grin were slowly slipping though, another one of those odd objects had passed farther out , near the tree's. Once again it vanished, but not before imprinting a sense of dread on Lennart. 'They're getting closer' He thought with creeping apprehension.

"I was there too, it was really fun." A voice suddenly spoke up quietly.

Lennart turned around in his chair, his eyebrows raised. He had a feeling both Will and Jason were looking over his shoulder.

The speaker was a shy looking girl with long, raven black hair, on her face it swept sideways, completely obscuring one of her ocean blue eyes. She blushed.

"Er, I saw you there too, you where the guy who put the firecracker in the portable microwave, right?"

Will busted out laughing, while Emma looked torn between amusement and irritation. "Oh, wow. Lennart, did you really?" She said somewhat testily.

Will grinned. "What, so did you die, but hell kicked you out for being too lazy?"

"Or they couldn't stand his crazy hair cutbeing the size of his head So, what's your name?" Jason turned to the girl, barely breaking stride in his sentences.

The girl looked sheepish, it seemed she was surprised anyone could be this friendly to her.

" Alison Pleasant."

Lennart gave a small shrug. "Nice to meet you Alison. You're new, right?"

"Er, yeah, I just moved here from Chicago."

Will shrugged. "Well, welcome to Rookwood High, just remember one very important thing and you'll do fine."

"What?"

"The food here is about as tasteful as Lennart's singing skills, so you might want to avoid it if you don't want to grow up sterile, and numb on your tongue-"

Jason was counting off on his fingers. "-and diseased. And radioactive. And dead."

Lennart leaned back. "The list could circle the soccer field about five times."

Will tapped the table. "So, what's up with the geographical survey thing?"

Emma shrugged. "Some effort to get everyone outside, or some torture, if he thinks the rain will continue into the day. Think Black has a cheat sheet for it?"

Will gave her an odd look, as if she had just asked if water was wet. "I think the question would be how much he'll charge for a cheat sheet."

"Who's Black?" Alison asked.

Lennart laughed. "Anton Black is a senior who spends free periods lurking by the South hallway bathroom. He also happens to be a one man black market. He can get you anything. And I mean anything. Need a cheat sheet for the next five biology tests? Go to Black. Need a magical pencil that will always write down the correct answer? Well, I don't think he sells those, but I heard he has blowtorches and electrified bicycle locks."

Suddenly a ring broke the meandering conversation. Lennart gave a yelp. "Damn it! We're late!"

Thoughts of the sinister creatures were pushed form hsi head as he grappled for his stuff, finally noticing how curiously empty the cafeteria was.

With a loud scuffling, Alison, Lennart, Emma, Jason, and Will dashed out the cafeteria door, papers trailing behind them. From behind a tree near the window, a dark shape observed quietly.

₪

After much panicked running, the group managed to push through Mr. Summers door, just as the old man had gotten up from his seat. Nicholas Summers was extremely old, though he managed to take it in stride. He had a clipped beard that went down to his upper torso, and bushy gray eyebrows. His hair was somewhat long and frizzled, and his body was hunched, though he was fairly fit. He spoke in his wheezy voice. "Ms. Winter, Mr. Dune, Mr. Quiver, Mr. Renfield." He looked cross, yet sounded somewhat amused. "Late again, I see?" As Alison mumbled an apology, he then turned and waved his hand towards her, talling her to sit. "Please, Ms. Pleasant, this is your first day, I'm sure we can excuse you this one time."

However, at that moment, an ink pellet flew through the air and struck the board, the spray thankfully missing most people. While Summers gave a long and lengthy lecture to the perpetrator, Alison, Lennart, Emma, Jason, and Will all edged into seats at the back of the class. When Summers turned, he appeared to have forgotten about Lennart and his friends, and proceeded to explain about the geological survey. After 30 dull minutes, Mr. Summers finished with a simple. "Keep in mind everything learned this week, and you'll do fine." And with that, he lead the class outside. As they made their way through the bright, sunlit woods that surrounded the school, Lennart looked uneasily into the tree's. Those things he had seen, he was sure they were out here, and he didn't want to run into them. He couldn't quite explain why, but the thought of them sent a cold, clammy feeling down his spine.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Mr. Wrong sat in an ornate leather chair of ebony and dark. He sipped a glass of golden Tokay, then addressed the man in front of him.

"Prepare yourself. I need you to dive into Rubicon. Rile 'His' attention, draw him outside. Take Adagio and Loque with you. Get as many as you can, then get out. Are your orders clear?" His soft, but cold voice pierced the air. Allegro bowed. He and the other's wore simple, white, tuxedo shirts, with a black blazer vest over it. A gun sat nestled on his hip as he drew himself up. "As you wish."

His soft voice echoed softly, as a low grinding filled the room. The ground turned, multiple gears shifting the floor. Iron prongs rose up as openings gaped in the ground. A large iron pillar of pipes, gears and circuits drew itself from the ground, a fat orb of glowing blue screens nestled at the core of the pillar. It was faceted with raised and lowered rectangles, and it hummed with power. Allegro reached forward and tapped the center gently. A low pulse echoed in the room, as tiny computer boards slid out of the pillar. Mr. Wrong set down his glass of Tokay. "Ready yourself." And with that, the man in front of him unfolded, his image falling apart and crumpling backwards like paper. With that, he was gone.

Originally Posted by Nevermore

Chapter 2: Apprehensions and Introductions

Lennart gave a rather weighty sigh. Rain drizzled as a carpet of shining dew drops across the window, and a deep monochrome dusk had settled.(is the deep monochrome dusk caused by the carpet of dew drops?) His normally upbeat and rather laid back personality quickly became slow and melancholy during heavy rain.

"Mr. Dune, would you like to elaborate to the class what I had been explaining earlier?" Mr. Urquhart said sharply, slamming his ruler down on Lennart's desk, causing him to slip and fall, pin wheeling his arms like a windmill.

As he got to his feet, punctuated by a backdrop of the classes laughter, he said. "Erm, does it involve numbers? And equations?"

More laughter as Mr. Urquharts lips became a thin white line. "Detention, Mr. Dune." Marching back to his desk, he commented dryly, "I do not accept cheek or laziness from anyone," He looked stern, but not overly furious. "Do try to leave those particular attributes at home."

As Lennart forced his long, lanky frame back into the chair, he frowned, quickly slipping back into his dull melancholy.

₪

Several hours later, he had finally made his way to the lunch line and out of the throng of the interrogative question/answer process that was math class. Grabbing a rubbery burger off the line and quickly paying for it, he slid down to a table far in the corner, next to a window. As he gazed out (at) the rain, something stepped out of the dark. It was a small figure, like a dog, but its body was round (rounded?) like a bloated tick. It set Lennart on edge, and he felt a shudder run down his body.

"Why do you always sit next to windows when they make you so damn depressed?"

Lennart jumped, the voice had jolted him, especially after seeing that thing out the window. Will had sat down beside Lennart, holding his own lunch, much to the jealousy of anyone buying theirs at the school, throwing furtive looks of longing at his food.

"Melancholy. A sad form of contemplativeness. Not depressed. Completely different things." (replied Lennart)

Will snatched the burger out of Lennarts hands, "How can you eat this garbage?" He said, staring shrewdly at the burger, as if he expected it to come to life and apologize for tasting so bad. (love this line! I had those same thoughts way back in high school)

Lennart shrugged, pulling the burger back and brushing a shock (lock) of his sandy, flyaway hair from his eyes.

"Food is food." He shrugged. He looked out the window, but the strange thing had vanished.

"Except the disgusting lump of 'stuff' you hold in your hands is about as far from food as my shoe." Emma remarked as she sat down on Lennarts other side. "Mark my words, you'll drop dead from food poisoning if you continue with that crap."

Lennart pulled her lunchbox from her hands. "Fine then, give me some of yours."

"Hey, hands off!" Emma managed to pull her food away before Lennart could fully wrestle a sandwich from the dark confines of synthetic fibers and ice packs.

Lennart slumped, staring forlornly at his burger. "But you're right!" Mock horror was etched across his face as he edged his hand closer to Emma's lunchbox. "I'll get food poisoning, and would you really want your own friend to die when you could save them?"

Emma poked his backpack with a pencil, simultaneously slapping Lennart's hand away from her sandwich. "Tell you what Lennart, lend me your Science homework, and I'll give you half of my sandwich."

"Ah! Thanks Emma!" He threw a piece of paper traced with long lines of answers about minerals and soil composition, while he simultaneously grabbed the half of sandwich Emma passed to him, staring at it like it was the largest diamond in the world.

"Why don't you bring your own lunch? There's a grocery store five minutes from your house." Will asked.

Emma snorted, and without even looking up from her paper, said. "Because he's too lazy, why else?"

Lennart was about to protest, but another guy sat down near them, his windswept blond hair flying in every direction as he sat down. (Lennart was about to protest as a guy with windswept blond hair flying in every direction sat down near them. -OR- Lennart was about to protest but was distracted as another guy, his hair blond and windswept flying in every direction, sat down near them.)

"He, what's up?"

Lennart took another bite of Emma's sandwich. "Hey Jason."

Emma nodded, still focused on copying Lennart's work, while Will gave him a nod, a bit more focused on his food.

He leaned in and spoke up. (Jason leaned in?) "Did you hear? Mr. Summers has this whole crazy thing planned for today!" Lennart wasn't listening much though, another one of those odd objects had passed into his sight farther out, near the tree's. It vanished as quickly as it hadappeared though, and he looked over to hear Will speaking. (this part could probably be left out. It also makes it seem as if Will was the one giving them the news.)

"What?" Will asked, and Lennart could tell he was sure they were going to get that crazy substitute who spent each class teaching them about his many varied conspiracy theories.

Reading his expression, Jason shook his head. "No, it's not the Conspiracy Theory sub."

Both Lennart and Will seemed to wilt, as the class was. . . interesting, under that particular subs rants.

Emma triumphantly broke the silence with a victoriously yell. "Finished!" She waved the sheet above her head. "Hah, Summers can't give me detention again, I actually finished it this time."

Jason shrugged. "No need. We're doing this geographical survey today, that's what I was telling you. Mr. Summers isn't collecting the homework." As Emma broke into a stream of swear words, Jason turned to Will and spoke. "So, did you go to the Endgame Concert last night?"

Will gave a sigh. "Ach, no. Lennart went though."

Lennart nodded, grinning. "There was a mash(mosh) pit, with lots of fireworks. One came, like, this close to hitting me." Lennart's gaze and grin were slowly slipping though,(slipping as another) another one of those odd objects had passed farther out , near the tree's. Once again it vanished, but not before imprinting a sense of dread on Lennart. 'They're getting closer' He thought with creeping apprehension.

"I was there too, it was really fun." A voice suddenly spoke up quietly.

Lennart turned around in his chair, his eyebrows raised. He had a feeling both Will and Jason were looking over his shoulder.

The speaker was a shy looking girl with long, raven black hair, on her face it swept sideways, completely obscuring one of her ocean blue eyes. She blushed.

"Er, I saw you there too, you where the guy who put the firecracker in the portable microwave, right?"

Will busted out laughing, while Emma looked torn between amusement and irritation. "Oh, wow. Lennart, did you really?" She said somewhat testily.

Will grinned. "What, so did you die, but hell kicked you out for being too lazy?"(took me a few times reading this line to understand it, could use a bit of rewording)

"Or they couldn't stand his crazy hair cut (haircut)being the size of his head(.) So, what's your name?" Jason turned to the girl, barely breaking stride in his sentences. (saying this means you don't have to leave out punctuation)

The girl looked sheepish, it seemed she was surprised anyone could be this friendly to her.

" Alison Pleasant."

Lennart gave a small shrug. "Nice to meet you Alison. You're new, right?"

"Er, yeah, I just moved here from Chicago."

Will shrugged. "Well, welcome to Rookwood High, just remember one very important thing and you'll do fine."

"What?"

"The food here is about as tasteful as Lennart's singing skills, so you might want to avoid it if you don't want to grow up sterile, and numb on your tongue-"
(Maybe put these two parts together so the audience knows who is talking)
Jason was counting off on his fingers. "-and diseased. And radioactive. And dead."

Lennart leaned back. "The list could circle the soccer field about five times."

Will tapped the table. "So, what's up with the geographical survey thing?"

Emma shrugged. "Some effort to get everyone outside, or some torture, if he thinks the rain will continue into the day. Think Black has a cheat sheet for it?"

Will gave her an odd look, as if she had just asked if water was wet. "I think the question would be how much he'll charge for a cheat sheet."

"Who's Black?" Alison asked.

Lennart laughed. "Anton Black is a senior who spends free periods lurking by the South hallway bathroom. He also happens to be a one man black market. He can get you anything. And I mean anything. Need a cheat sheet for the next five biology tests? Go to Black. Need a magical pencil that will always write down the correct answer? Well, I don't think he sells those, but I heard he has blowtorches and electrified bicycle locks."

Suddenly a ring broke the meandering conversation. Lennart gave a yelp. "Damn it! We're late!"

Thoughts of the sinister creatures were pushed form hsi head as he grappled for his stuff, finally noticing how curiously empty the cafeteria was.

With a loud scuffling, Alison, Lennart, Emma, Jason, and Will dashed out the cafeteria door, papers trailing behind them. From behind a tree near the window, a dark shape observed quietly.

₪

After much panicked running, the group managed to push through Mr. Summers door, just as the old man had gotten up from his seat. Nicholas Summers was extremely old, though he managed to take it in stride. He had a clipped beard that went down to his upper torso, and bushy gray eyebrows. His hair was somewhat long and frizzled, and his body was hunched, though he was fairly fit. He spoke in his wheezy voice. "Ms. Winter, Mr. Dune, Mr. Quiver, Mr. Renfield." He looked cross, yet sounded somewhat amused. "Late again, I see?" As Alison mumbled an apology, he then turned and waved his hand towards her, talling(telling) her to sit. "Please, Ms. Pleasant, this is your first day, I'm sure we can excuse you this one time."

However, at that moment, an ink pellet flew through the air and struck the board, the spray thankfully missing most people. While Summers gave a long and lengthy lecture to the perpetrator, Alison, Lennart, Emma, Jason, and Will all edged into seats at the back of the class. When Summers turned, he appeared to have forgotten about Lennart and his friends, and proceeded to explain about the geological survey. After 30 dull minutes, Mr. Summers finished with a simple. "Keep in mind everything learned this week, and you'll do fine." And with that, he lead the class outside. As they made their way through the bright, sunlit woods that surrounded the school, Lennart looked uneasily into the tree's. Those things he had seen, he was sure they were out here, and he didn't want to run into them. He couldn't quite explain why, but the thought of them sent a cold, clammy feeling down his spine.

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Mr. Wrong sat in an ornate leather chair of ebony and dark. He sipped a glass of golden Tokay, then addressed the man in front of him.

"Prepare yourself. I need you to dive into Rubicon. Rile 'His' attention, draw him outside. Take Adagio and Loque with you. Get as many as you can, then get out. Are your orders clear?" His soft, but cold voice pierced the air. Allegro bowed. He and the other's wore simple, white, tuxedo shirts, with a black blazer vest over it. A gun sat nestled on his hip as he drew himself up. "As you wish."

His soft voice echoed softly, as a low grinding filled the room. The ground turned, multiple gears shifting the floor. Iron prongs rose up as openings gaped in the ground. A large iron pillar of pipes, gears and circuits drew itself from the ground, a fat orb of glowing blue screens nestled at the core of the pillar. It was faceted with raised and lowered rectangles, and it hummed with power. Allegro reached forward and tapped the center gently. A low pulse echoed in the room, as tiny computer boards slid out of the pillar. Mr. Wrong set down his glass of Tokay. "Ready yourself." And with that, the man in front of him unfolded, his image falling apart and crumpling backwards like paper. With that, he was gone.

Thought I'd only do the second part of this since someone else did the first part.

I must say, like your other story, I really want to read more of this. You have a very good imagination and an amazing knack for description. But you really need to cut down on the commas. I look forward to reading more!

And if I missed anything it's because I'm trying to do this at 2:00 A.M.

i love the visual details in this, the begining was a extremely well writen (i am a visual detail whore). The flow of what you have here is good and draws me in to want to read further. After reading this you are quickly rank one of ym favorite writers on here.

Thanks! Because of the work I've been putting into Life/Finale, I haven't been updating this as much as I should have been. However, I hope to get a chapter up eventually, and get the plot going.

Interesting but who is the main character? I didn't know who to identify with.

Originally Posted by Robdemanc

Interesting but who is the main character? I didn't know who to identify with.

could it be the black apple tree?

Interesting world you're developing here. I've only gotten through the first chapter, but so far I'm confused about a few things. How was the charater who had no face speaking? What was Caspia's purpose in showing up? She simply dropped a few comments and left again. Also, I thought she was wearing a plain wooden mask that showed nothing of her face, but we were shown her expression several times, including both of her eyes, when I thought only the left was visible.

Intriguing, though. I'm gonna go read the other parts you've posted!

The main character was supposed to be Lennart. Keep in mind, this is over a year old, so my writing was different back then. I had a bit of trouble making a character relatable to.

I felt more grounded in the second part. You're introducing a lot of characters in a short span of time, which is something to watch out for, but I didn't get too confused. One thing I noticed was it was raining during the first part of the chapter, and then when they went outside it was bright and sunny.

Hi
Nevermore, like your Life /Final very imaginative.
Rubicon - A line when crossed permits no return and typically results in irrevocable commitment.

QDOS

Aha, very nice that you figured that out. Well, since I may not get a chapter up for a while, I'll explain that the Rubicon is a reflection of humanities natural ingenuity and imagination. I may take a short break from Life/Finale to start this up again, so expect another Chapter by the end of the week.