Thread: The Phoenix

Chapter 1
“ Wake up, wake up,” the voice sang,. “Wake up, wake up,” it goaded, echoing through the darkness. “Wake up, wake up,” the voice said again to me. I looked around myself but saw only darkness. I could only make out the faint lines that distinguished the clouds of darkness from each other.
“Wake up, wake up, Honoré.”
The clouds began to push against me.
“Wake up, wake up.”
I felt them lace through my fingers.
“Wake up, wake up,” the voice became higher. It seemed giddy with joy each time. It felt ecstasy from my pain.
It pushed farther onto me. The cool, soft clouds came over me. It felt like droplets of water gently rolling down my flesh.
“Wake up, dear Honoré! You don’t want to die, do you?”
With those words the darkness clamped itself upon me. The gentle droplets became like shards of ice. They brought me to numbness, and then to sharp pain. The darkness choked me. In my nostrils. In my mouth. I was choking me. It came down and pushed up against my throat. “Wake up!”
§§§
I don’t know what woke me up—the horrific dream, the beads of cold sweat on the head or the flash of lightning followed by deafening thunder. But what I knew was that I woke up with a jump. I wiped the perspiration from my forehead. It took a moment to realize how heavily I was breathing and I tried to control my self—slowing the pace of my heaves. I looked around me. It was a beautiful room. Save for the mauve shaded walls, everything looked so intricate. From the portraits that hung at my side to the small chair and desk next to me. Even the bed I was sleeping on, the sheets that I was in. It reminded me of Versailles, especially when I noticed the golden fleurs-de-lis on the glowing orange sheets.
I couldn’t just gaze at the room right now. Shuffling out of bed I could feel the cold breeze upon me. I walked over to the window, draped in the same glowing orange of the sheets. I pushed the one side of the draped to the side and got behind them. I raised panel of the window and pushed it down. After a loud clap of the window coming down shut, I felt the calm of the night. I looked out to the world outside. I saw the skyscrapers, so close to me, only a street across. I could see the rain beat down on the fragile looking glass giants. I followed the rain with my gaze downward and saw how high I really was. The cars bustled below me, little lights passing like salmon through a thin stream. I must be in a hotel to be this high up and still in such a residential room.
I walked back from the window and slapped the draping back into its place. I walked past my bed and into the bathroom. The faucet ran with warm water, and I savored that feeling of warmth and cleanliness. I grabbed the towel from next to the sink and rubbed it furiously over my face. For these few minutes I’ve been awake, I’ve realized that I had a strange feeling. I couldn’t exactly tell what it was.
As I took the towel away form my face, I looked at the person in the mirror. He had blue eyes, so bright and vibrant, I could see the distinctive shades of blue in his eyes. Reached for his hair, a platinum blonde. This person seems so foreign, and so strange. But wasn’t this me? Who was this? Who was I?

Hi. Nicely written but confusing. Has this person lost his memory? Does he not know who he is? (He seemed confused when he saw himself in the mirror). It sounds to me like an opening to a Bourne Identity type story.

well isn't losing your memory and not knowing who you are the same thing? And yes that's the point. I'm not really going for the bourne series sort of thing. None of that. More 'magical' i guess you can say. truly, the bourne identity didn't cross my mind. the first scene is kinda inspired by the music video 'Hurricane' by 30 seconds to mars.

The beginning was actually incredibly well written, nice dialogue, interesting use of emotion. I would have liked to see a bit more in that. But, I'd recommend putting spaces between lines, it makes it a bit easier to read.

oh if i could figure out how to do that.

Originally Posted by Lamperoux

well isn't losing your memory and not knowing who you are the same thing? And yes that's the point. I'm not really going for the bourne series sort of thing. None of that. More 'magical' i guess you can say. truly, the bourne identity didn't cross my mind. the first scene is kinda inspired by the music video 'Hurricane' by 30 seconds to mars.

I suppose losing your memory is similar to not knowing who you are, but not always. One issue maybe the mirror moment. I have read that describing your character in front of a mirror is a bad way of describing them. Though in your case it may be justified. Perhaps say:

He gazed at the mirror, staring back was..blah blah....he wasn't sure he recognised this person. Was this him? He then realized his memories were missing....

I couldn’t just gaze at the room right now. Shuffling out of bed I could feel the cold breeze upon me. I walked over to the window, draped in the same glowing orange of the sheets. I pushed the one side of the draped to the side and got behind them. I raised panel of the window and pushed it down. After a loud clap of the window coming down shut, I felt the calm of the night. I looked out to the world outside. I saw the skyscrapers, so close to me, only a street across. I could see the rain beat down on the fragile looking glass giants. I followed the rain with my gaze downward and saw how high I really was. The cars bustled below me, little lights passing like salmon through a thin stream. I must be in a hotel to be this high up and still in such a residential room.

Most of the story is very nicely written, and I'm intrigued to read more. That said, the above paragraph could use quite a bit of work.

Too many sentences starting with "I" really made it difficult to get into the story. Switch some of the words around so that you don't also start with it. Some of the sentences could be combined also.

I really don't know what i'm gonna do with this right now. I'm very much absorbed into writing on Project Noir (tho that seems to always need someone to read it).

I liked the 'dream' sequence at the beginning, the repetition of 'wake up, wake up', but after he wakes up, the first thing you say is "I don’t know what woke me up' - it seems incongruous.

I walked over to the window, draped in the same glowing orange of the sheets.√ I pushed the one side of the draped drapes to the side and got behind them. I raised the panel of the window and pushed it down. After a the loud clap of the window coming down shut, I felt feel the calm of the night. I looked out to the world outside. I saw see the skyscrapers, so close to me, only a street across. I could can see the rain beating down on the fragile-looking glass giants. I followed the rain with my gaze downward and saw see how high I really was am. The cars bustled below me, little lights passing like salmon through a thin stream.√ I must be in a hotel to be this high up and still in such a residential room.
I walked back from the window and slapped the draping drapery back into its place. I walked past my bed and into the bathroom. The faucet ran runs with warm water, and I savored that feeling of warmth and cleanliness.√ I grabbed the towel from next to the sink and rubbed it furiously over my face. For these few minutes I’ve been awake, I’ve realized that I had have a strange feeling. I couldn’t can't exactly tell what it was is.
As I took take the towel away form from my face, I looked at the person in the mirror. He had has blue eyes, so bright and vibrant, I could can see the distinctive shades of blue in his eyes. Reached for Touching his my hair, a platinum blonde. This person seems so foreign, and so strange.√ But wasn’t this me? Who was this? Who was am I?

I am also confused with your tenses... is this a retrospective or a narrative happening 'right now'? (sorry if I don't use approved literary terminology - a novice!)
I like it.

Originally Posted by Zootalaws

I liked the 'dream' sequence at the beginning, the repetition of 'wake up, wake up', but after he wakes up, the first thing you say is "I don’t know what woke me up' - it seems incongruous.



I am also confused with your tenses... is this a retrospective or a narrative happening 'right now'? (sorry if I don't use approved literary terminology - a novice!)
I like it.

So someone tell me, would anyone be interested in seeing me merge these two threads i have and develop a new, hybrid-ish sort of story?

I'm writing Project Noir, and i have an Exorcist Academy in there...and it's supposed to be a military academy in a way but i'm getting more of a harry potter vibe from it.

So i've been considering to put these two together. He wakes up, and has to learn about who he is, these conflicting emotions, people and forces within him. And he is thrown into a world that is almost too supernatural for him to believe.