Thread: Pandora's Toy Box

I wrote this story earlier this year. Lately I've been thinking about adding a second part to it, but the more I think about it the more I wonder if it really needs it. I'm definitely up for critique's!


The rain was coming down in cold stinging sheets. The stoops that were covered enough held shadowy figures and lots of smoke. The weather kept the druggies from bothering the boy without a name, with the exception of a few curses that were thrown his way. His rags were barely hanging on him as he wandered down the darkened street shivering. Splashes from the occasional car couldn’t make him any wetter.

He felt like he’d been slogging through the dark for hours. Yet he knew exactly where he was, until he looked at where the vacant lot should have been. There was now an abandoned building that looked older than any of the crack houses he avoided. But something about this place was inviting. The little boy felt it was as good a place as any to get out of the rain.

The place was dilapidated inside and out. Broken windows decorated the place along with the front door frame with rusty hinges. The was no telling where the door was. Layers of dust wafted around front room like it was too afraid to settle on any of the decaying furniture. Bookshelves lay crumpled on the floor, the rotted wood having given in to its own weight long ago.The little boy noticed tiny footprints in the dust making him realize he wasn’t the first intruder to stalk this horrid place recently.

Perplexed by the building and just glad to get out of the rain, the little boy didn’t even wonder how he could see so clearly in such a darkened place. He followed the footprints that were just a little smaller than his to what had been the kitchen. It was in such shambles that the boy couldn’t get inside. Part of the old icebox had rusted away causing it to fall in front of the door. All of the cabinets no longer hung on the wall, instead littering the floor. The top of the door frame had also fallen down.

The little footprints made a right down a short hallway that ran into the only door still hanging in the house. He passed by two rooms on both sides of the hallway. One looked to be a bathroom, but the ceiling had caved in and it was hard to tell. The other looked like a dining room that was probably connected to the kitchen. He followed the little footprints inside.

Broken picture frames were strewn all around the room, no longer containing what ever it was they had lightened the room with. The dust was more settled in this room even though the large window to the right was broken away. The large table, still holding on with three legs, leaned a little. The boy imagined how such a large table could have held so much food, more food than he’d ever seen in his life. The chairs were laying on the floor, either having fallen backwards, sideways, or broken to pieces. He strolled over to the doorway to the kitchen but was also impeded from this side. With nothing to hold his interest, the boy left the room to explore further.

He stood in front of the door for a long time thinking it just didn’t belong. The footprints of the kid before him seemed to have gone through. Opening the door, he expected a loud creaking sound to claw at his ears, but the door opened as serenely as the door to the bakers shop, only without the mouth watering smell of breads.The stairs behind the door looked sturdier than the whole house. He started climbing them a bit confused by their cleanliness.

As he opened the door at the top of the stairs the bottom door closed. Afraid he was locked in, the boy raced down the stairs to open the bottom door. It was still unlocked, and opening it cause the top door to closed. That’s when he noticed a string attached to the bottom of the doors leading to a hole in the wall just under the bottom hinges. His little sigh of relief turned into another coughing fit. He fell against the wall on the bottom step coughing until he was too worn out to continue. Blood and spittle was spattered on the floor in front of him as he tried to catch his breath. His whole body was tired from the racking fit, so he decided to rest on the step for a while.

Some time later, the boy got to his feet and climbed the stairs again. As soon as he opened the door this time he saw a small figure dash into one of the rooms ahead. He walked, weakly, to the doorway where the foot prints lead. It was the most amazing bedroom he’d ever seen. A white, framed bed with lots of pink hanging from every side and above, sat in one of the far corners. Across from it was a extravagant white dresser with a huge mirror and lots of little things spread across the top of it. But the thing that caught his attention most of all was the large wooden box inlaid with gold, emeralds, and many other kinds of jewels.

Though he had been brought up on the street, he did manage to learn to read just a little. He knew all the letters, but had a hard time making out the first large word on the box “P-A-N-D-O-R-A-S” he tried to sound it out several times, but it sounded weird. The other words were much easier “Toy Box”. His eyes brightened at the thought of toys, something he had never had before.

He opened the lid and leaned inside to get a good look at all the toys. There was only darkness, a darkness that suddenly started sucking the air out of him. He couldn’t breath and he thrashed, barely able to move his arms. His hand grasped something fuzzy just before he fell to the floor and passed out.

Not sure how long he had been asleep, he opened his eyes to see a stuffed rabbit held hard against his chest as if he were trying to save it from something. He blinked a few times before he realized someone's feet in front of his face. He leaned on one arm and looked up to see a little girl is a white gown.

She smiled softly “My name’s Pandora, what’s yours?”

He sighed and scrunched his nose. He hated every time someone asked him that. Sheepishly, he answered “I don’t have one.”

She looked at him quizzically “Well, we’ll just have to give you one!” She placed her hand on her chin, looking up as if thinking really hard. Her “Ah ha!” surprised him, causing him to back up against the toy box. She proclaimed “From now on, you’ll be called Joseph.” She smiled sweetly.

He didn’t know what to say, out of everyone who’d ever met him, no one ever bothered to give him a name. “I like it” he said with a smile.

Suddenly, the girls stature changed as did her voice. “Joseph, you have opened the box that damned this world at one time. Though, do not fear, you have actually helped it this night. I have decided it was time to give life another chance, and chosen to collect all that escaped my box long ago. Though there is one rule. From you I have taken something that would have killed you this night, and in return you chose something that you’ve always wanted.”

Joseph looked down at the stuffed rabbit, hugging it for fear she would take it back. He wasn’t sure of anything else she said, and it showed on his face.

She smiled softly, but looked much older than she had, though she hadn’t changed at all. “I have taken your sickness and along with it every piece of that sickness that was in this world. In order for you never to get sick again you must keep the rabbit within twelve cubits at all times.” As she said that, she showed him what a cubit was.

He nodded as his eyes started to get heavy. With a yawn, Joseph fell asleep hugging the rabbit.

Joseph awoke the next day in a nice warm bed. A knock at the door and the call of his name seemed strange. A lady in pink pants and a white shirt came in and sat down next to him checking his temperature. She caught sight of the little rabbit next to him “Did you have a visitor?” she exclaimed happily. He hugged it and nodded. She took the thermometer from his mouth and asked “Did you name it yet?”

He nodded as if resolute “His name is Pan!” and hugged it tighter than ever.

She smiled sweetly and touched the rabbit on the nose “Well it looks like you and Pan will get to go home today!” And with that, she was off.

As his mother led him down the hallway to leave the hospital, Joseph caught a glimpse of a familiar little girl in a doorway. Though he couldn’t quite place her, she sparked a feeling inside that he’d never forget. He whispered “thank you” as she waved good bye with a smile.

The rain was coming down in cold stinging sheets. The stoops that were covered enough held shadowy figures and lots of smoke. The weather kept the druggies from bothering the boy without a name, with the exception of a few curses that were thrown his way. His rags were barely hanging on him as he wandered down the darkened street shivering. Splashes from the occasional car couldn’t make him any wetter.

Nice description here, short, yet well done.


He felt like he’d been slogging through the dark for hours. Yet he knew exactly where he was, until he looked at where the vacant lot should have been. Eh, this part feels a bit choppy, it took me a few re-reads to fully get it There was now an abandoned building that looked older than any of the crack houses he avoided. But something about this place was inviting. The little boy felt it was as good a place as any to get out of the rain.


The place was as dilapidated inside as it looked from the outside. Broken out windows decorated the place along with the front door frame with rusty hinges Again, choppy, nice description, but it needs to be rephrased. The was no telling where the door was. Layers of dust wafted around front room like it was too afraid to settle on any of the decaying furniture. Bookshelves lay crumpled on the floor, the rotted wood having given in to its own weight long ago.The little boy noticed tiny footprints in the dust making him realize he wasn’t the first intruder to stalk this horrid place recently.

I like the last part, is has a creepy/suspenseful touch to it.

Perplexed by the building and just glad to get out of the rain, the little boy didn’t even wonder how he could see so clearly in such a darkened place. He followed the footprints, that were just a little smaller than his, to what had been the kitchen. It was in such shambles that the boy couldn’t get inside. Part of the old icebox had rusted away causing it to fall in front of the door. All of the cabinets no longer hung on the wall, instead littering the floor. The top of the door frame had also fallen down.

Punctuation rehashing seems to be in order here.

The little footprints made a right down a short hallway that ran into the only door still hanging in the house. He passed by two rooms on both sides of the hallway. One looked to be a bathroom, but the ceiling had caved in and it was hard to tell. The other looked like a dining room that was probably connected to the kitchen. He followed the little feet (footsteps) inside.

Idiot! Don't follow the creepy footprints! Hasn't this kid seen the Grudge? Also, you've been setting a very nice description so far.

Broken picture frames were strewn all around the room, no longer containing what ever it was they had lightened the room with. The dust was more settled in this room even though the large window to the right was broken away. The large table, still holding on with three legs, leaned a little. The boy imagined how such a large table could have held so much food, more food than he’d ever seen in his life. The chairs were laying on the floor, either having fallen backwards, sideways, or broken to pieces. He strolled over to the doorway to the kitchen but was also impeded from this side. With nothing to hold his interest, the boy left the room to explore further.

Hmm, I feel like you're slowly developing the character, but it could be done better, like describing things that provoke emotions in the kid.

He stood in front of the door for a long time thinking it just didn’t belong. The footprints of the kid before him seemed to have gone through. Opening the door, he expected a loud creaking sound to claw at his ears, but the door opened as serenely as the door to the bakers shop, only without the mouth watering smell of breads.The stairs behind the door looked sturdier than the whole house. He started climbing them a bit confused by their cleanliness.

As he opened the door at the top of the stairs the bottom door closed. Afraid he was locked in, the boy raced down the stairs to open the bottom door. It was still unlocked, and opening it cause the top door to closed Again, needs more description, I don't quite know what's going on here . That’s when he noticed a string attached to the bottom of the doors leading to a hole in the wall just under the bottom hinges. His little sigh of relief turned into another coughing fit. He fell against the wall on the bottom step coughing until he was too worn out to continue. Blood and spittle was spattered on the floor in front of him as he tried to catch his breath. His whole body was tired from the racking fit, so he decided to rest on the step for a while.

Some time later, the boy got to his feet and climbed the stairs again. As soon as he opened the door this time he saw a small figure dash into one of the rooms ahead. He walked, weakly, to the doorway where the foot prints lead. It was the most amazing bedroom he’d ever seen. A white, framed bed with lots of pink hanging from every side and above, sat in one of the far corners. Across from it was a extravagant white dresser with a huge mirror and lots of little things spread across the top of it. But the thing that caught his attention most of all was the large wooden box inlaid with gold, emeralds, and many other kinds of jewels.

Though he had been brought up on the street, he did manage to learn to read just a little. He knew all the letters, but had a hard time making out the first large word on the box “P-A-N-D-O-R-A-S” he tried to sound it out several times, but it sounded weird. The other words were much easier “Toy Box”. His eyes brightened at the thought of toys, something he had never had before.

Ah, I take it back, this was a very nice bit of character development, very entrancingly sad.

He opened the lid and leaned inside to get a good look at all the toys. There was only darkness, a darkness that suddenly started sucking the air out of him. He couldn’t breath and he thrashed, barely able to move his arms. His hand grasped something fuzzy just before he fell to the floor and passed out.

Not sure how long he had been asleep, he opened his eyes to see a stuffed rabbit held hard against his chest as if he were trying to save it from something. He blinked a few times before he realized feet in front of his face Can't tell what you mean here. He leaned on one arm and looked up to see a little girl is a white gown.

She smiled softly “My name’s Pandora, what’s yours?”

He sighed and scrunched his nose. He hated every time someone asked him that. Sheepishly, he answered “I don’t have one.”

She looked at him quizzically “Well, we’ll just have to give you one!” She placed her hand on her chin, looking up as if thinking really hard. Her “Ah ha!” surprised him, causing him to back up against the toy box. She proclaimed “From now on, you’ll be called Joseph.” She smiled sweetly.

He didn’t know what to say, out of everyone who’d ever met him, no one ever bothered to give him a name. “I like it” he said with a smile.

Suddenly, the girls stature changed as did her voice. “Joseph, you have opened the box that damned this world at one time. Though, do not fear, you have actually helped it this night. I have decided it was time to give life another chance, and chosen to collect all that escaped my box long ago. Though there is one rule. From you I have taken something that would have killed you this night, and in return you chose something that you’ve always wanted.”

Joseph looked down at the stuffed rabbit, hugging it for fear she would take it back. He wasn’t sure of anything else she said, and it showed on his face.

She smiled softly, but looked much older than she had, though she hadn’t changed at all. “I have taken your sickness and along with it every piece of that sickness that was in this world. In order for you never to get sick again you must keep the rabbit within twelve cubits at all times.” As she said that, she showed him what a cubit was.

Ah, a very interesting concept you did here, nice plot manipulation.

He nodded as his eyes started to get heavy. With a yawn, Joseph fell asleep hugging the rabbit.

Joseph awoke the next day in a nice warm bed. A knock at the door and the call of his name seemed strange. A lady in pink pants and a white shirt came in and sat down next to him checking his temperature. She caught sight of the little rabbit next to him “Did you have a visitor?” she exclaimed happily. He hugged it and nodded. She took the thermometer from his mouth and asked “Did you name it yet?”

He nodded as if resolute “His name is Pan!” and hugged it tighter than ever.

She smiled sweetly and touched the rabbit on the nose “Well it looks like you and Pan will get to go home today!” And with that, she was off.

As his mother led him down the hallway to leave the hospital, Joseph caught a glimpse of a familiar little girl in a doorway. Though he couldn’t quite place her, she sparked a feeling inside that he’d never forget. He whispered “thank you” as she waved good bye with a smile.

Nice ending, and the way you left the chapter off was quite nice, it leaves the audience wanting to continue, to find out what happens. There are, however, some parts near the end that are unclear as to what happened. Overall, a very nice story, beautiful descriptions, and an interesting concept.

I like this, particularly the part about Pandora collecting "all that escaped...long ago." Is what escaped the box all the fear and hatred that makes man so destructive? (I think that's what got out of the box initially, along with some other stuff) Or is there going to be a different spin to it? Does the rabbit represent hope, perhaps? Hm, interesting plot device. Though, as Nevermore already highlighted, there are some parts towards the end that seem a bit unclear and there are a few parts in the beginning that I suggest you go over and scan for punctuation errors. Aside from those things, this works for me. Very interesting.

Originally this was just a one off thought that I had. Pandora decides to take pity on a child. So she decided to take back the sickness that was about to kill him. But recently I got an idea for a second part that would show just what really happened that night. Now I just need to write it...

Thanks for the critiques! I read back through it and definitely saw a few parts that needed changing.

As he opened the door at the top of the stairs the bottom door closed. Afraid he was locked in, the boy raced down the stairs to open the bottom door. It was still unlocked, and opening it cause the top door to closed Again, needs more description, I don't quite know what's going on here . That’s when he noticed a string attached to the bottom of the doors leading to a hole in the wall just under the bottom hinges.

For some reason I'm having a hard time trying to come up with a way to describe this part better.

Just got finished with the next part of this one at work tonight. This is a very rough draft. So it may be changed slightly or a lot. This shows I haven't written in some time because it really lacks the detail that the first part had, which I will 'try' to change. I was hoping to make it just a two part story, but it looks as though it's going to be three parts. As always, I welcome all feedback!


PANDORA'S CURSE

“Sick children all over the world waking up cured of the
incurable; Leads to miracle cures of all diseases.”

Joseph sat reading the New York Times article from his childhood. Forty-five years after a dream gave him a chance at life. He has vaguely recalled most of the dream over the years, but it’s never haunted him as much as it has this past week.

He looked up at his wife, “You know, I was actually one of these kids.” His gaunt face twisted at the thought of his recent dreams. Marissa leaned against him, unsurprised that this was the first time he’d ever mentioned it. She put her head on his shoulder, uttering her own secret in return “So was I.”

The realization of why she hadn’t asked him what was wrong lately began to make sense. She must be having the dreams too. The fire crackled as they sat there curled up on the couch. The noise brought the question to Joseph’s lips, “Is that why you’ve never asked about the stuffed rabbit?”

Marissa reached down to twist the brightly colored bead bracelet around her ankle, “That’s the only reason I already knew. How many men carry around a stuffed rabbit everywhere they go?” She chuckled as she pictured a gang of bikers riding down the highway clutching stuffed rabbits.

Before the clocked stopped chiming 10:00 P.M. both Joseph and Marissa were pulled into the dream.

It was night time on the familiar street but well enough lit that the little child could see every thing. The houses were nice, painted blue and yellow and white. He remembered the street, remembered how scary it was at one time. But there were no shadowy figures hiding on the dark stoops.

Holding the stuffed bunny by the arm, the feet were dragging on the pavement as he started the all too familiar walk. He didn’t know where he was going, but he was sure he would end up there if he just kept walking.

Moths flew around each street lamp occasionally hitting them with loud thumps. Other smaller bugs joined them around the glowing orbs. Every now and then a bat flitted passed feeding on the congregation of insects. The sounds of the frogs at the base of the poles echoed through the night. The sounds were comforting, something the little boy really felt he needed right now.

After what seemed a long time the little boy found himself standing in front of the house that should not be there. It was the only house on the block without a single light, yet it was more inviting that all the others. Yellow paneling with a simple brown door decorated the two story house.

The door opened easily with not a single squeak. He stepped into the living room, a familiar place that looked odd to him. Not a single cobweb was anywhere to be seen and the furniture looked like it had just been bought. More than the dust, he felt there was something else missing that should be there. He wandered into the hallway looking at the floor, only stopping when he came to the kitchen. Cabinets all in line, the icebox in the corner, every thing looked normal. Yet for some reason he felt he could not enter the doorway.

He turned right to go down the short hallway. He passed by a bathroom and turned into the dining room. Picture frames adorned the wall. They told the story of a little girl that the boy somehow knew. A large table covered with a white tablecloth and adorned with flowers and candles looked like it no one had ever served food to it.

The little boy stepped back out into the hallway and noticed the door. He checked the floor again, and again did not find what he was looking for. Something made him worry, so he rushed for the door and yanked it open. The stairs just beyond were expected and he ran up them as fast as he could. As he yanked the door at the top open the sound of the door at the bottom made him jump until he remembered the contraption.

He rushed to where he knew she was, where the door should have been. But there was only a window in the small room he stood inside. Sadness and fear almost stopped him from looking through as he hugged the stuffed bunny tightly. Looking straight across he could see the other three walls of a room. But it wasn’t decorated like a child’s room. There were hundreds of windows similar to his up and down the walls. The comfort of the stuffed animals helped him step closer to the window to look down into the room.

There against a white hospital bed sat a molded decaying trunk. He couldn’t make out anything that he recalled on it. He tried to keep his eyes on the trunk, trying not to look at the bed. He began to cry silently as he saw some movement from he figure under the blanket. His eyes were puffy and red, and his cheeks wet by the time he dared look at her face.

Her hair was falling out, there were red splotches on her cheeks that almost looked like butterflies. She was very pale and seemed to be sweating badly from a fever. She would cough ever few minutes, sometimes spitting up a little blood. A dialysis machine sat in the corner, it’s tubes of blood flowing into the machine and back to her body. The sight of the sick little girl makes the little boy curl up in a ball in the corner of his small little observation room. He last word before waking up from the nightmare “Pandora” was a sorrowful sound.

I'm glad i skipped through a few other posts to find this one. This was an interesting plot, highly imaginative and vivid in its detail. I hope this is something that goes on into a longer version, maybe we'll see this on the SCIFI channel, or thriller one of these days!