Thread: Twins of Fate

I smell your scent, sister. I know you are near. Naron stepped through the mouldy brown sands, slowly and cautiously. He listened to every little detail around him; the soft sound of the waves coming to the thin shore, small lizard and shelled animals scurrying through the sands, his moccasined feet brushing against sun-dried seeweed and grasses.

You won't catch me, brother. I am more skilled than you ever were. Narin watched her brother through a slanted perspective that rippled with each passing wave. Her belly to the ground, she moved slowly through the waters, keeping an eye on her brother.

He had fallen silent quickly, as he's done so much lately. Narin knew he was tired of talking to her, tired of trying to use words to help his hunt of her, to discern a clue as to her location. But she played word games better than he, and knew how to warp his perspective on the hunt better than he could comprehend. But he knew she was doing something, something with the words, and so went silent quickly; to close another door to her.

Narin reached the drop-off a few paces off shore, and slinked down over the edge into the deep waters. Fish and shrimp swam away quickly in caution to the new arrival. Narin glided through the water until she reached the opposite shore not far out from her brothers.

You're fading, sister. Did you get hurt?

No, brother, I did not get hurt. Though, I got your flag! Narin swam to the bottom of the shallow stretch of ocean water between their islands, then jolted up towards the surface, shattering through the partially frozen water, then twirling through the air before landing on her own beach. One leg was extended out, the other with knee bent, and her right hand was in the sand to stabilize herself as her right hand was thrust upwards, holding a stick with a white cloth dangling from it, dripping salty water onto the beach.

'Damn!' Naron yelled out across the shallow between the islands. 'Why do you always have to win?'

'Because, brother,' Narin grinned, 'You need more practice. You are still younger than I, remember. You have much to learn.'

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Large bugs fluttered through the night, some blindly buzzing around the warm campfire on Narins island. Naron sat opposite his sister from the firepit, and was cleaning the bones of a creature he knew not its name. From the bones he would soon carve, he intended to make arrows. He needed to find suitable material for a bow and string, as well. But for the moment, those things would have to wait. Out in the cold sea where they were, there was not much life other than grasses and slimy sea-plants. For their meals, there seemed to be some sort of dying out in the waters, for every night at the same time, an animal would wash ashore, still warm, but with eyes that did not speak of a spirits presence. The animals were tadpole-like in appearance, except they were much larger, almost the size of Naron, with dark blue skin that was not transparent.

Naron was quick to happily accept such a coincidence. Narin, however, was not. Something to her did not seem right about the situation.

'What are you doing, dear brother?'

'I intend to make some arrows of these bones, sister.'

Narin shook her head, examining the bone he held in his hands. The curveature and angle of the bone, not to mention the spidered cracks along its shaft, would make terrible, if not impossible to make, arrows. She took a closer examination of the bones nearest her. Each one contained an area of spidered cracks and fractures in the bones. By that alone, she suspected these creatures were beaten to death. However, examination of their hides before cooking, and the flesh underneath, did not show any obvious marks of a confrontation.

'Mmm, maybe this isn't such a great idea,' Naron said, moments before the bone in his hand, after a few cuts had been made with his knife, fell to pieces. 'I wonder what killed these animals.'

'That's a good question,' Narin whispered. Then, loud enough for Naron to hear, 'Come, we must sleep. I grow tired, and we must prepare ourselves for the coming days.'

Naron looked puzzled as he glanced up at his sister. 'What is coming?'

'Well, we can't stay here forever, brother,' Narin said, getting up and brushing the burnt pieces of flesh she had taken off her piece of the meal from her clothing. 'We must make preparation to see what is beyond these islands of ours.' I also have a bad feeling about remaining here, brother, but you would ask too many questions I cannot yet answer, if I were to tell you that.

'Alright.' Naron jumped to his feet quickly and brushed sand with his feet over the firepit, putting out the dying fire quickly. He then came round the pit and hugged his sister before pushing aside the tent flap and entering. Narin heard a soft thump, knowing her brother had thrown his head down against his pillow, as seemed his strange custom to do every night.

She glanced out on the moon-lit waters. A sudden subtle movement caught her attention 20 paces off shore, where there was now a ripple of small waves moving outward in a circle. Somethings watching us. After staring at the water for a few more moments, she began to waver weakly, and thought it time to rest. She slid through the tent flap, and made sure to tie it securly from the inside, then laid down in her own bed near her brothers, and began to fall into sleep.

I found the story intriguing, and the writing to be (mostly) really well done. There were a few lines that jarred a bit with me, though.

He had fallen silent quickly, as he's done so much lately

This line doesn't read very well. You might consider rewording.

Narin knew he was tired of talking to her, tired of trying to use words to help his hunt of her, to discern a clue as to her location. But she played word games better than he, and knew how to warp his perspective on the hunt better than he could comprehend. But he knew she was doing something, something with the words, and so went silent quickly; to close another door to her.

Actually, this whole bit sounded a bit awkward. You might be able to make it clearer by expanding on it a little bit.

You are still younger than I, remember

This struck me as an odd thing to say. It sort of implies that one day he might be older than her.

cleaning the bones of a creature he knew not its name

I think this needs to be reworded too. Maybe try something simpler like: 'the bones of a creature that was unknown to him.'

For their meals, there seemed to be some sort of dying out in the waters, for every night at the same time, an animal would wash ashore, still warm, but with eyes that did not speak of a spirits presence

This sentence seems a bit long and disjointed to me. It doesn't flow well and the meaning is lost somewhat.

skin that was not transparent

Another odd description. It makes it sound like transparent skin is the norm. Would it be better to describe it as translucent?

Naron was quick to happily accept such a coincidence

'Quick to happily' doesn't sound right to me. I would just choose one of them to go with. 'Quick to accept', or 'happily accepted'.

would make terrible, if not impossible to make, arrows

This is a bit of a contradiction. You can't make an 'impossible to make' arrow. I would just leave it at 'would make terrible arrows'. I don't think any more than that is necessary.

Naron said, moments before the bone in his hand, after a few cuts had been made with his knife, fell to pieces

Again, this doesn't flow well. I think you're trying to be unnecessarily complicated with some of your sentences. Remember, readability needs to come first.

Overall I think it is a really interesting story, but it just needs a bit more work so that if flows better. I'm curious to find out what is lurking in the water, and why it's killing the tadpole things for them. Also I get the impression that the twins are superhuman in some way (if they are human at all), and would like to find out more about them. Thanks for sharing this.

Really like this story. Definitely keep it up! There is a nice chemistry between the siblings. Though it could probably help to maybe throw in some gestures between the two.

Also, this whole part needs a bit of reworking. I had to re-read it several times at first to get my head into the right context.

Large bugs fluttered through the night, some blindly buzzing around the warm campfire on Narins island. Naron sat opposite his sister from the firepit, and was cleaning the bones of a creature he knew not its name. From the bones he would soon carve, he intended to make arrows. He needed to find suitable material for a bow and string, as well. But for the moment, those things would have to wait. Out in the cold sea where they were, there was not much life other than grasses and slimy sea-plants. For their meals, there seemed to be some sort of dying out in the waters, for every night at the same time, an animal would wash ashore, still warm, but with eyes that did not speak of a spirits presence. The animals were tadpole-like in appearance, except they were much larger, almost the size of Naron, with dark blue skin that was not transparent.

Though, the post above me probably did a better job of pointing out the particulars.

Thank you both, however considering my history with stories, I may not expand on this at all. Apologies for any dissapointments. But do keep an eye here, I may expand on it, and revise, you never know.

No need to apologize. I've written several stories that I never expanded on, and some I just put down in the middle. Hopefully one day I will pick some of those back up. In fact, the want to expand on one that didn't really need it was what made me look for a place like this.