Thread: Prophecy Scene for "Time Before Time was Kept" -- Fantasy novel

I have written a fantasy novel and have put a couple of chapters on here in the past - now removed to edit. I have taken some time away to revise the novel and have added a good number of words. Before I send this away I would like to get your opinions on this small section, as I feel this is one of the most important sections of the book. Background is - The King has just returned home to his castle - Salsony, to find "Traggeler", the kingdoms seer alone at night on a hill side. In short the King tries to learn of what is set to befall him with his battle with the rival kingdom of Raslon . Basically, what grammar needs changing? is it enganging enough for a reader? Any other advice you can give me.
Thanks all, and i apologize if it is too lengthy.

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Eventually though, Laonos was forced with great detestation to pull himself away from his family. He knew he had to talk to his elders and the high kingdom members and discuss what was going too happen next, discuss what had happened, both in Salsony and in Raslon.
His steps were wide and his breath was increased, hazing in the night sky before him as he almost raced to the keep, but before he ventured into the tower Laonos noticed that the seer was standing alone at the eternal window before the hill side meadow, the trees whispering in the breeze and only a torch light illuminating his eerie shape. In the dark light the seer stood with his hood up and his eyes stuck to the horizon. He almost looked like a witch from the tales of old that his mother had told him as a child. Laonos stood for a moment and watched him. His hand was resting on the tower door. He was mentally torn between entering the tower and striding to join him.

He was a man with supernatural powers - a man able to communicate with the gods and read the stars, interpret the God’s will and spread their word throughout the realm. Laonos was curious of his appearance on the window this night and his body language indicated that he was deep in thought, and so Laonos approached him slowly.
“Traggeler” Laonos whispered. He was careful to speak slowly as to not startle the seer who was standing deaf to the King in the darkness. There was no reaction and Laonos turned to see the tower. He could see the guards inside pacing the hall, the elders seating themselves in preparation for his arrival.
“What do you see?”

Traggeler continued to stare blankly out at the ocean, the moon light reflecting on it’s glassy surface. But his eyes glazed over as he turned slowly to see the King, a small smile managing to form on his tired and aged face as he lowered his hood.
“You seek answers my boy?”
Laonos moved beside him, at first staring at the ocean before turning to face Traggeler.
“I need to know what the gods are saying. There are so many uncertainties”
Again Traggeler started into Laonos’s eyes, the flames from his torch were warming their faces and they were unaware of all else around them.
“You are uncertain of nothing my boy”
A moment of silence filled the narrow void between them as Laonos listened to Traggeler’s shallow breaths.

“I can not interpret the god’s wishes for the coming days. I can not decipher them for the first time in my life and for that I can only apologize my lord. It would seem the God’s wish us to know little of what is set to come.”
Laonos had never heard Traggeler speak in such a way and he blinked three or four times as he turned his eyes to the sky in an attempt to read them for himself. A canopy of stars greeted him and he saw a star shoot across the sky majestically.
“There must be something you can see” Laonos persisted, but Traggeler breathed deeply.
“The stars are aligning in ways I have never known before” he simply stated.” Even the wise cannot see all ends”

A one sentence answer was not what Laonos required. He needed to be told what was going to happen, for he knew how well Traggeler could read the heavens. He had predicted numerous visions in his life – accurately predicting the birth of his daughters, the floods on the black river, and the droughts that blighted Linterson just four years ago. How was it that he could see nothing now?
Laonos narrowed his eyes in confusion, he wanted to ask more, but he allowed Traggeler to continue in his own time as he closed his eyes slowly. When Traggeler prised them open again the flames from his torch danced against his pupils as they glazed over once more, and his creased skin folded in lines as he spoke.
“They are moving at great speed and soon Kings will clash. One empire will stand tall, whilst the other falls.”

Laonos panicked slightly and swallowed deeply. Traggeler took a moment to compose himself. It would appear that his interpretation had taken more out of him than ever before.
“Which empire will fall? Will I lose this kingdom?”
“I can not say my king. I merely interpret the stars. It is more of an art than a truth” Traggeler turned to face Laonos once more. He was an elderly man and the wisdom in his eyes was clear. He took Laonos’s hands and held eye contact.
“I have not much hope that he can be persuaded before he dies. He is bound by his loyalty and the sand that flows within his veins. He will rule the fate of many, perhaps even yourself my lord. He needs to die”

Laonos felt his face contort in fear and confusion at what Traggeler was telling him. If he had interpreted his words correctly, then Traggeler was stating that Raslon was on the move. His army was marching at great speed and that he was to defeat Salsony and rule the seven kingdoms. Laonos was lost in the dark when Traggeler’s quiet tones reached him once more.
“You are brave my boy, but I see a fear in your face that I haven’t seen for some years, not since you were a child. You have your father’s strength and your mother’s courage and you will need to call upon all that is good inside of you in the coming days. They will prove testing for us all”

Traggeler released his hands and turned, pulling his hood over his head and made to return to the village. For a moment Laonos swallowed and watched him leave until his black cloak was almost lost into the darkness itself.
“What should I do?” Laonos asked desperately. He appreciated his years and his wisdom and tried desperately to get an answer from a man in the know. He had already asked himself a thousand times what his father would do, and Traggeler was the next best option. Traggeler had stopped on the slope silently evaluating the question the king had posed “I do not know the right course to follow. My father would have known what to do.” Laonos continued.

“Perhaps” Traggeler said without turning “But you know too my lord, King. The same blood is in your veins. The same courage. You are unsure of nothing”
He spoke slowly and definitively as he turned to face Laonos. The proud king had melted away and Traggeler could see him as a boy. He could see him in his mothers arms as a baby, he could see him training as his father watched from the walls. He could see him standing over his father in death, his coronation. It was all playing in his mind.

“My boy” Traggeler whispered “I once told your father how strange your abilities were. I sensed how powerful and decisive you were when I held you in my arms as a newborn. I saw those powers grow as you matured and I told him all I felt. Your father knew you would succeed on your own. He knew he need not worry about what would unfold, and I, just like your parents know you will succeed. You do not need my direction, for you have already made your decision my boy. Your destiny has been forged for you. May the gods be with us.”

Once more Laonos was left staring into the darkness as Traggeler dropped into the night; his hooded figure vanishing. One question was racing through his mind now.
Should he tell the elders and the generals of Traggeler’s vision or should he keep it entirely to himself?

I think this is generally encouraging. The pacing is good and the descriptions detailed enough to provide a good mental image, but I'm not really seeing much here that makes it yours. What is being done here that has never been done before by the countless other fantasy writers? It may sound harsh (and there's nothing much intrinsically wrong with what you've written) but there are so many fantasy writers and so much writing of this type that it may come off as too generic to some agents. Apart from that there are multiple punctuation errors (usually missing at the end of quotations), and a couple of lines ("Even the wise cannot see all ends" and "...will rule the fate of many") that are lifted almost straight from Lord of the Rings, where Gandalf speaks to Frodo in Moria.

Fix these problems and I think you'll have something fairly sound. As for how original and different this is, I can't really tell without reading more. Fantasy writing is great because it allows for such freedom of expression and metaphor, if the author chooses it. You can create any architecture, any society, any language, any human interaction and emotion that you want. You can explore and express anything you can think of via fantasy writing, so you have to convince an agent that your story will take the reader to a place that is entirely yours.

I think that the torment of Laonos, tasked with guiding his realm on the right path, is an interesting avenue to explore. When he finds his seer is failing him that would undoubtedly have a profound effect on him. In a way this scene reminds me a little of Dune, by Frank Herbert, which I am reading at the moment. There is a great combination of politics, a believable and immersive world, and the power of prescience (which of course, in your story, is what's suddenly lost by Traggeler). The tension these things create is what drives the plot of Dune forwards, but that's not enough on its own. The setting of Arrakis, the desert planet, created by Herbert is so detailed and lore-consistent, and so intimately bound up with the events of the plot, that it's more than just a background; draws the reader in.

I hope I haven't diverged too far there from a simple grammatical analysis, but it's probably something to at least think about. Hope that helps.

ps. You should make sure your into is free from grammatical errors (like "I have wrote...") as these can really put some people off before they even get to your story.

I think it is well written and quite engaging, but I agree with Higurro. There wasn't enough, at least in this small section, to make is really stand out. That might not be the case for the story as a whole, however, but I think it would be a good idea to re-read it all with that in mind and see whether you think anything needs to be changed. Perhaps if you have some friends that read fantasy, let them read the entire thing and get their feedback.
Good luck!

a good concept but spitting out his powers makes it seem chessy

You need to watch out for all those comma splices. When you reach the end of a complete thought, you should punctuate it with a period. If you're dead set on using run-on sentences, you should add words like "and," "but," and "or." It is distracting to read sentences that keep going and going. Try to pepper in some very short, punchy ones to go along with your longer ones.

"His steps were wide and his breath was increased, hazing in the night sky before him as he almost raced to the keep, but before he ventured into the tower Laonos noticed that the seer was standing alone at the eternal window before the hill side meadow, the trees whispering in the breeze and only a torch light illuminating his eerie shape."

Holy cow! There are sixty-two words in that sentence! What about this? I have re-written this section for you, tightening the language to improve the pacing and eliminate a few superfluous prefaces. See if you like it better:

His steps were long, and his breathing increased. His breath steamed in the chill night air as he raced to the keep. Laonos noticed that the seer was standing alone at the eternal window. He stood before the hillside meadow, with the trees whispering in the breeze, illuminated by the dancing flames of torchlight. Eerie.

Notice how, by adding periods and eliminating clutter-words, the pacing feels much better and more natural? Tell me if you disagree.

Thank you guys for all your advice. It truly is much appriceated, especially 'seehawkrun'. I can see what you mean by making it shorter, it definatley flows better.