Thread: STAND Chapters 11 and 12 (Language )

Chapter 11: Discarded Like Trash

Alex arrives the edge of the forest. In front of him is a road winding to a pair of iron gates. Beyond the gates lies a front garden and a mansion behind it. The mansion has a east european style to it. At the entrance are four statue like pillars that hold a beautiful balcony. Green wines zigzag through the bars and around the balcony. In the front garden stand many horse carriages full of crates and Royal Army soldiers unpacking them. Alex creeps closer to the gates and notices that it's open. He uses his lightning speed without thinking and runs into the mansion to find some more information. Inside the mansions atrium stand two people. Alex quickly hides behind some of the unpacked crates.
One of the two men is wearing a fur coat and has a cigar in his mouth. The other is a high ranked soldier. There's a long scar going through his left eye and all the way down towards his upper lip. Both of them are discussing something. Alex crawls closer to them so he can understand what they're saying.
"So, what are your next moves?" The ranked soldier asks.
"This town has gone bankrupt and is useless to me now. The girl that i've told you about has pleaded me many times to sell the town back to them. I want you to send soldiers to kill her." The Don replies back.
Anger slowly bubbles up within Alex. He uses his lightning speed and runs away before he does some harm.
Zeke continues to chase down the girl that stolen his swords. They run through many empty streets. The girl makes a wrong turn and winds up in a dead end. She turns around but finds herself trapped by him.
"Finally I caught you. Give me my swords back you thieving bitch!" Zeke demands as he walks closer to her.
She runs towards him and pushes him into the the tin trash cans and stands over him.
"Why can't you see that i'm trying to save this town!" She cries.
She quickly turns around and sprains her ankle while doing it. She falls to the ground with a soft thud. Zeke painfully stands up clutching his hurt neck. She tries to get away but her ankle gives and she collapses again. Alex appears next to Zeke.
"Why can't you guys let me go?" She pleads.
"Because you stole my swords!" Zeke retorts back.
"Not only that, I heard some stuff and I need you to tell me what exactly happened here." Alex said
"You guys are wanted criminals so why should I trust you?" She asks.
"You'd be dead by now." Zeke growled.
She looks at the two in fear of her life and tries to stand back up again.
"I can handle things by myself!" She said.
"You're going to loose this battle if you fight by yourself. The Don has already discarded you like trash already and is sending soldiers after you!" Alex warns her.
She looks at him in disbelief and quickly looks at the ground.
"Alright, I'll explain what happened here."


Chapter 12: Her Past

Eight years ago, the day was quiet the same as in the present except more lively. The bar was bustling with a live concert and people laughing, cheering, drinking and dancing. The town had more stores open than in the present time. People came and gone. That evening, more than a dozen horse carriages arrive with the Royal Army logo on them. The carriage doors open up and many soldiers run out and spread into the shops and homes searching for something.
A small group of them enter the bustling bar and everyone inside turns silent.
The young Hevlaska runs towards her dad. He drops the towel on the counter and places the drinks he had in his hands down.
One of the soldiers clears his throat and says "Everyone in this town has to come to the towns center. Any that disobey and hide will be shot on sight!"
A few people walk up to the barman and start whispering with each other.
"Looks like they found you."
"Yeah it seem that way."
"Should we take out our weapons and rebel them out of here?"
"No, you'd endanger the young. Besides if they want me, they'll have to give their best."
Everyone does as they're told. Hevlaska and her father mix in with the crowd in the streets as they enter the towns center.
A black horse carriage enters the town. Inside it sat the Don. Looking out of the window he notices the large crowds.
"Hey, take me to where these people are going. Looks like something big is happening." He ordered.

Once everyone was at the towns center, the Royal Army soldiers surround them in a circle. An old Army officer walks by.
"I was told that there's a former rebel and a pirate amongst you people. I've sent my men to clear out your houses and shops to search for him. If you're here, come on out in front of me. If you don't, innocent blood will be spilled." He announced.
Everyone starts to whisper and talk with each other. Hevlaska grabs her fathers hands and grips him tightly. He looks down at her and sees small specks of tears at the corner of her eyes.
"I won't let you go." She begged him.
"Don't worry, i'll just talk with that man nicely. Stay here and wait for me." he told her softly.
"No! I won't let them take my daddy." She begged and her tears grow.
A few men face him.
"If they want you, then we'll fight."
"Yeah, you showed us that your not a bad man. You helped me out when I needed it. Now it's time to help you."
"Yeah. No matter what you say, we're fighting."
The bartender sighes.
"As you wish. Someone has to watch my daughter."
An elderly woman crouches next to Hevlaska and pats her on the head in comfort while her father and many townsmen head forward. When he stands in front of the officer, the soldier take aim at him.
"Here I am. Take me if you dare!" he said.
As he said that, the entire town attacks the soldiers. Chaos erupts everywhere and shouts of outrage and gunshots fill the air. The young and the women run for cover as their husbands and dads fight the soldiers with their bare hands and fists. The elderly officer backs away from the attackers as his soldiers rush in.
The Dons carriage stops at the towns center and he quickly exits it. He runs past by the injured men who were shot and stops in front of the officer.
"What are you doing here?" The officer asked angrily.
"I want you to stop this! I have a proposal for you." The Don whispered in his ear.
The officer looks at the row of cannons that just rolled in.
"Shoot one of the cannonballs into the sky!" He orders one of the marksman.
The marksman does as he's told and shoots one of the cannonballs into the sky. The mob and the soldiers look up into the sky.
"Men retreat for now! We have a business deal with the Don!" The officer announces.
The soldiers unwillingly do as they're told while the Don and the officer enter the black carriage. The men run towards the injured and help them out. The bartender stands in the middle of it all in horror. The long minutes pass by until the Don and the officer come out. Both bore proud faces as they shook hands.
"It was nice doing business with you." The Don said and looks at the horror struck bartender with glee.
He walks up to him with a evil smile.
"What are you doing here?" The bartender asked.
"I just saved this towns neck. You're welcome." The Don replied.
Everyone focuses on the Don. Anger and horror show on their faces.
"Now that i've got your attention, there's something that I have to say. This town belongs to me now." He proclaimed.
The people start to shout in anger and outrage. A few cuss words fill the night sky.
"You now have to pay me ten thousand Q every month starting tomorrow. Other wise I'll tell the world what happened here."

Back to the present, Hevlaska's tears made a small puddle on the ground in front of her as she told them the past.
"Eversince then, we've been paying him for over eight years. Due to the wealth that we had, he increased it to fifty per month and that destroyed our town and everyone had to loot for the money." She explains.
Alex stands up while Zeke holds out his hand in her direction.
"I need my swords back." He says politely.
She hands him back the swords without a word.
"Let's go Zeke, we got some asses to kick." Alex says.
The two leave the crying Hevlaska alone as she starts to cry out of happyness.

you have a style issue with the story coming out kinda clumsy and too much redundancy

I think this story has a lot of potential, but I found the writing to be very abrupt and emotionless. While the story underneath might be good, I think you're losing a lot of the effect. A lot of the time you're just simply stating what is going on which makes it difficult for the reader to be really drawn in. For example:

Alex arrives the edge of the forest. In front of him is a road winding to iron gates. Beyond the gates lies a front garden and a mansion behind it.

You're missing a lot of opportunities. How did Alex arrive? Why is he there? What sort of mindset is he in? Also, your descriptions are very basic. A few more details about the mansion itself could set the scene a lot better.
Something I do is always try to keep all the character's senses in mind. Not just what they see, but what they smell, hear, and touch. This can make a scene much more immersive.

Anger slowly bubbles up within Alex. He uses his powers and gets away before he does some harm.
Zeke continues to chase down the girl whom stolen his swords.

There were a couple of things that bothered me about this. There is no mention about what his powers are. Even if they've been mentioned in earlier chapters, you need to give the reader more than this.
Also, 'whom' is used incorrectly.

I like the flashback idea in Chapter 12, but it doesn't seem particularly well planned out to me.

"I want you to stop this! I have a proposal for you." The Don whispered in his ear.
The officer shoots into the air and all eyes focus on him.

For example, this part wasn't believable for me. If there's a brawl going on, gunshots ringing out all around, would the officer be able to hear someone whispering in his ear? Wouldn't he be more concerned with not getting punched in the face, or something? Also, why would the Don go running into the middle of it?
If there are already gunshots going off everywhere, why would the officer's shot into the air suddenly make everyone stop fighting?

"You now have to pay me ten thousand Q every month starting tomorrow. Other wise I'll tell the world what happened here."

The town already had no problem with attacking the soldiers, so they must have know there would be repercussions. Why wouldn't the soldiers report what had happened and come back to arrest everyone? Also, if it's just the Don against a big angry mob, I don't think they'd back down so easily. Why are they so afraid of him telling the world what happened, and if they are afraid, why don't they just silence him right there? You should probably rethink some things in this chapter to make it more convincing. I think the Don needs to have a stronger hold over them somehow. You could look at stories like 'Seven Samurai' or 'The Magnificent Seven' for inspiration on this sort of setting.

Overall I think it could be a good story with a bit more development. I suggest making a fairly detailed plan of the overall story and what needs to happen in each chapter (if you haven't already). Look really closely for any plot holes, and make sure everything ties together nicely. I find that the more detail I put into the chapter plan, the easier it is to write. Good luck, and thanks for sharing this.

Alright, it seems im getting a lot of replies on my new posts so im going to try and explain some questions that Josh Townley has. Before i do that tho, ill fix up the chapters once i have enough time for it. So heres the Q and A.

Q: How did Alex arrive?
A: He used his power to get there. If any of you dont know, his power is the speed of light.

Q: Why did he go to the mansion?
A: To find more infomation about the current situation.

Q: What kind of mindset he is in?
A: At this point hes calm and ready when anything happens.

Q: How could the officer hear the the don when he whispers in his ear?
A: The officer was far enough from the chaos that he could hear the don.

Q: Why did the don run into the chaos?
A: He saw an opportunity to gain lots of money and takes it.

Q:Why would the officer shoot into the air when there is chaos everywhere?
A: To calm everyone down while he talks with the don in the horse carriage. He didnt want anyone to be injured or killed while he spoke with the don.

Q: Why didnt the soldiers report on anything that happened?
A: Because the don payed all of them to keep their mouths shut.

Q: Why did the mob silence the don?
A: The royal army was still there at the scene. They were packing up their things while the don told them what he wants. Hes a muscle built man and is known around that area. I cant say more that this on him because i would give away the next four chapters.

I hope that these answers cleared some of the questions. Thank you all for the support and see you in the next chapter.

Thanks, that does clear some things up, but you might want to think about addressing some of these questions in the text itself. You won't be there to answer the questions of everyone that reads this story. If a story leaves too much unexplained or not adding up the reader will quickly lose interest.

Originally Posted by josh.townley

Thanks, that does clear some things up, but you might want to think about addressing some of these questions in the text itself. You won't be there to answer the questions of everyone that reads this story. If a story leaves too much unexplained or not adding up the reader will quickly lose interest.

I will fix up the post as soon as possible.

Edited some stuff. If i missed anything, let me know.