Thread: H.E.A.E.I.B. Chapter 43: Mission Accomplished (Mild Language and Violence)

Chapter 43: Mission Accomplished

Her Heart starts to pound in her chest wildly. Something heavy drops to the floor with a loud thud. She slowly opens her eyes in fear of what she would see. Someones hand is stretched out in the air in front of her. She takes it and the hand pulls her up as she begins to cry.
"Thank god sir! You made it in time!" The captain relieved.
Luke hugs Samantha comfortingly as she continues to cry.
"Yeah!" He mumbled.
He grabs the Captain by the shoulder and helps him into the Transport Plane that landed on the field. Samantha follows behind the two picking up the pieces that fall from the captain. The thousand soldiers that Luke took along surrounded the castle ruins and took out any remaining threats.
The cabinet doors open and the three of them enter. Luke helps the captain lay down while Samantha places the items next to the bed and sits down on the opposite end. Luke sits on the bed next to the captain. The soldiers get the clear signs and head back into the plane.
"The both of you should get some rest. We'll discuss what happened int the morning." Luke said.
The captain nods and turns his head to the other side.
"I'm sorry, but you'll have to wait until we get to camp to fix you up." Luke muttered.
"I'm alright. I'll wait." The Captain answered back.
Luke looks towards Samantha direction. She is dead asleep. He smiles and walks out of the cabinet.
Within ten minutes the plane begins to ascend into the dawn sky. Luke opens up the door to his room walks in and closes the door behind.
"Man, we got eight hours 'til I get back on that battlefield. Time to get some shut eye." He thought to himself and collapses onto his bed, falling asleep quickly.

He wakes up next to Samantha.
"Morning." He muttered sleepily.
She stirs right next to him.
"Mornin'" She mumbled back.
They both jump out of the bed quickly.
"What the hell are we doing sleeping in one bed?" They both asked each other at the same time.
She begins to vomit and runs into the bathroom.

Luke wakes up from his dream, sweating.
"Man, what the hell was up with that?" He asked himself drowsily then falls back asleep.
The Blue Transport Plane begins it's descend through the mid morning. Within thirty minutes the plane lands in the outskirts of Rome. An armored jeep drives up to the plane and stops.
Luke jumps off the plane while carrying the captain on his back and enter the jeep. Samantha follows the two. The driver starts up the engine and drives into the city.
"Sir, the army is about to enter Vienna." The driver announced.
"That's great news! are we heading there now?" Luke replied.
"Yes sir." The driver nods.
Samantha taps Luke on the shoulder. He turns around to face her.
"We've found somethings in Russia." She said.
"Like what?" He replied.
"It seems that there's a demon that assassinated the previous president and taken control of a body and made it the president of Russia!" The captain grumbled.
"I see! But right now, we got Europe to deal with. Once we finish here, we'll head for Russia and rescue them from the demons!" Luke said.
The jeep picks up more speed as they head up on the highway.
"Buckle up! It's going to be a fast ride." Luke said.
They do so as the jeep continues to gain speed until it seems like it's going light-speed. Everything around the car turned into a blur. They passed many cities and towns. Luke tells them what happened during the time they were apart. Once he told them everything, Samantha tells him how they survived the nuclear bomb.
Within four hours they reach the camp. In the distance the city of Vienna can be seen. A group of soldiers run towards the vehicle and greet Samantha and The Captain.
"How many soldiers have survived?" Luke asked as he exits the vehicle.
"About nine hundred thousand sir." One of them answered.
"Alright! Send in the fighter-planes first to scout out the city and attack the enemy. Then once the battle begins, we advance in and take back Austria." Luke ordered.
The soldier nod and run off towards the relaxing soldiers.
An line of fighter-planes fly above them. The soldiers begin to stand up and start to prepare themselves into another battle. Luke opens up the back door of the jeep and starts taking out weapons. He picks up all sorts of weapons and ammunition. Then he loads them up and himself with ammo and grenades. He throws a couple of guns towards captain and Samantha.
"Have them on you for safety. We still need to fix you up tho." He said as he looked at the captain.
two medics run towards the captain and carry him away for fixing.
The the fighter-planes begin to scout out the city as mortars fire at them. The soldiers enter the city swiftly and start attacking the Nazis that lingered in the streets. A gas line explodes killing everything near it. The tanks engines roar to life and move into the city. Luke and Samantha climb back into the jeep and the driver takes off into the heart of the city.

I haven't actually read most of this. But i can tell you a major structure point here. It's short. It moves quickly. And i can tell you it can be much much more interesting and draw the reader in if you do that. Vary the structure of your sentences, instead of just 'said' and 'replied' tell me what they are doing. Give me detail. let the images really flow into my mind. use metpahors, similes, and symbolism.

Am i saying you might wanna start again? maybe.

Why does everyone shout everything they say? Use less exclamation points. A lot of these sentences are confusing or, (I'm assuming) unintentionally hilarious. Also, you really don't need to write the word "replies" after every instance in which a character is responding to another character.

Originally Posted by Lamperoux

I haven't actually read most of this. But i can tell you a major structure point here. It's short. It moves quickly. And i can tell you it can be much much more interesting and draw the reader in if you do that. Vary the structure of your sentences, instead of just 'said' and 'replied' tell me what they are doing. Give me detail. let the images really flow into my mind. use metpahors, similes, and symbolism.

Am i saying you might wanna start again? maybe.

Start again as in start the story over again or just this chapter? I will fix up the chapter as soo as i have enough time for it.

Fixed it up a bit. If i missed anything, let me know

I'm sorry to say, but i really do think there is some major editing that you have to do starting in the first chapter all the way to here. There needs to be a flow in your writing. A mix of words. Let the actions build up, and let the chapters be longer and more descriptive. Some sentences describe actions that should be described in paragraphs. If you don't tell us the special facts that go on in the story, we won't know it. Detail is everything here. I understand you are from the Czech Republic and english is not you first language. You should also consider taking some english classes to help you gain a better understanding of how to make your english writing flow better.

Originally Posted by Lamperoux

I'm sorry to say, but i really do think there is some major editing that you have to do starting in the first chapter all the way to here. There needs to be a flow in your writing. A mix of words. Let the actions build up, and let the chapters be longer and more descriptive. Some sentences describe actions that should be described in paragraphs. If you don't tell us the special facts that go on in the story, we won't know it. Detail is everything here. I understand you are from the Czech Republic and english is not you first language. You should also consider taking some english classes to help you gain a better understanding of how to make your english writing flow better.

I don't think that i need english classes due to the fact that i lived in the states and learned english there. The beggining of the story (Including the chapters up to here) are more than 2 years old. I did think about editing it many times but it would change the story which i don't want.

Ok. Let me put it this way. First off I Want you to know that I mean no offense whatsoever. But your story severely kakis detail. The pictures barely develop in my head before you go onto the next subject. Take your time. The events you put in there I woukd probably end up writing in 4,000 or so words in my final draft at the very least. If you don't edit the whole thing at least start here. Writing is not something where you basically state what is going on. It is an art where you describe the details and make it come to life. You make the reader experience this world of yours.

I want to illustrate this point to you. Remember we all are here to help you learn to become a better writer. I looked into your previous chapters. These things that i've said have been mentioned before and you take no heed to it. You say you have been in the US a few years, but how long? and was it when you were very young or when you were a teenager or something? I can tell you that I myself speak Hindi, English, and Konkani. I also 'know' french and latin, but there is no way in hell that i could go to france and start speaking french very well. You either speak Czech or Slovak as a first language if i'm not mistaken. They are both declined languages. English is not declined heavily, and the word order is different, it can be hard. Technically you can write in the present tense, but you should be writing in the past tense, it is much more versatile and it is just the way published books are written (at least all the one's i've read).

You MUST master your writing style. You are not giving me a writing style, you are giving me sentence after sentence just stating things. You need to learn to be descriptive at the very least. I hate to be mean here, i really do. But until you master writing, you can't make a interesting story. It becomes flat and it becomes uninteresting. I was there too, trust me. Do i know how to do all these things i said perfectly? No. I'm just a teenager who writes a little. But i do know what you need to improve, and i really would love to see your improve and become batter at this.