Thread: Liar, A Night Visitor

Azrael entered the room and stood at the foot of Chase Hall's bed, gazing at him and comtemplating why he had been sent here and the nature of the man before him.

Chase sensed a presense in the room and came awake in an instant. He stared at the apparition at the foot of his bed. He saw an impossibly tall figure, wearing a dark, hooded cloak that brushed the floor. The image of a scythe sprang into his mind and he shuddered.

"Who are you? How did you get into my room?" Chase asked the silent figure. There was no reply and he began to get angry. "I asked you who you are?" He repeated his question.

"I am Azrael. I've come for you. It is your time to go." The cloaked figure had a deep voice and spoke with a finality that defied discussion.

Azrael stood with a stillness that denied life and Chase felt a chill move through his body. He knew the name from his childhood. His grandmother told him, if he wasn't a good boy, the Archangel Azrael, the angel of death, would come for him in the night. He would be carried to the judgement seat, to answer for his sins. Chase shook his head, thinking he must be dreaming. Azrael was a myth, something used to frighten children, nothing more.

"What have I done,that makes you come now? I'm not sick or dying, why are you here?" Chase said. He studied the cloaked figure, wondering if this was his last night, if his grandmother had been right.

Azrael gazed at him, until Chase began to squirm in his bed. "I've come for you because you are a liar. It is time for you to come with me." Azrael lifted a bony finger and pointed at Chase. "Now." His voice rang with absolute power, there was no choice, no question in the word 'now' as he uttered it.

Chase glared at Azrael, anger spiking through him. "Everyone lies, are you going to kill everyone?" His face flushed red with his anger, but the feeling faded away quickly. He knew he lied everyday as part of his job, it was almost required. Certainly that wasn't a reason to die.

"Yes. Everyone lies. Lying keeps the peace and enables some to hide themselves and others from danger. You do not lie to avoid hurt feelings or to improve your self image. Your lies are not those called white. You lie to deliberately cause harm to others, your lies are a perjury. They are base and a sickness in you. You want to hurt those you lie to." Azrael stood silent, a grim specter waiting for Chase to speak, giving him a chane to exonerate himself, if he could.

"No wait, I lie for a good reason. I don't want to hurt people, I try to unmask evil people so they will be seen for what they are. I lie to make them confess their offenses." Chase said. He watched Azrael stroke his chin, as if in thought. "Lying is wrong, I know that, but I lie to trick the truth out of the evil ones. I lie to get them out of society. It's for the greater good, can't you see that?" Chase pushed forward his claim for his life.

Azrael came around the foot of the bed and sat beside Chase on his bed. He sat thinking about lies and what caused them. He thought of Chase and his lies and realized the people he lied to were all on their way to Hell. Any lies told by this Peace Officer was, indeed, for the good of society and perhaps, wasn't of the dying type at all.

The gaunt figure stood and stared into the man's eyes, looking deep into his soul, as no one ever had. He turned and left the room, walking through the locked door.

Chase shivered, realizing the truth of the old saying of feeling someone walk over your grave. He breathed in deeply, wishing his grandmother was still alive to hear about this nights visit from Azrael, to hear how he had been judged and was still alive...to lie another day.

I like the style and pacing of this and the grammar and descriptions have only one or two weak spots. I particularly liked "...spoke with a finality that defied discussion." and Azrael's dialogue in general, however, at the end I felt a little cheated that the archangel's mind seemed to have been changed so easily. Surely he would have considered Chase's point of view before coming down? Maybe it's not too much of an issue, but I just felt that things should have been made a little more awkward for Chase.

Possibly, instead of Azrael himself, he sends a servant to take Chase away, someone who Chase is able to outwit. The servant would presumably be punished by Azrael for failing him, and his anger would add a weight hanging over Chase. The reader would know then he was on borrowed time. Of course, this may not fit in with your story line, but it's one way of not implying Azrael has weak judgement (which makes him seem less intimidating). Apart from that one detail I think there's great potential here.

A good point, I'll have to work on this some more and make Azrael's decision making process more complex. Chase needs to be under pressure...hmmm. I can do that.
Thank you for the review.

I got into it almost straight away. If this is an opening its a good one. There was tension and it kept me reading.

Azrael stood with a stillness that denied life and Chase felt a chill move through his body. - Great sentence.

Yes I too was a little dissapointed that Azrael changed his mind and left, but it was chilling the way he walked through the door and also left me thinking that he will be back.

Just one criticism though, the viewpoint shifts from Chase to Azrael. Maybe it would be more suspensful to not know what Azrael is thinking.

Point taken, I can see I need to rework the ending and the POV thingy. Thanks for reading and commenting and the good suggestion.

Definitely a story to hold one's attention. Perhaps add some "action" to the suspense I know this is a short piece you could add
to it or edit it for some action. All that happened was that something entered, someone woke, and "the" something left. I think
that could improve it.

Other than that some editing perhaps? This in particular along with some others contradicts the story a little.

" Archangel Azrael, the angel of death, would come for him in the night. He would be carried to the judgement seat" - Yet
at the end he never left the room, didn't do anything but a little talking and all of a sudden he was judged by one gaze.
Obviously the grandmother could not have known everything about this fable, but I think it would be better not to make a
contradiction right off the bat.

I think someone else mentioned it in a comment about showing Azrael's point of view. Unless you intend to make him one of the main]
characters, I mean main not "important support" I don't think you should humanize him so much like when he sat down on the bed and contemplated.

The writing is all yours it is the execution that matters, so solve these problems yourself or adapt the story to allow for them as you wish.
I hope my opinions help, I do love a good story keep it up

very nice style, thank you for sharing!