Thread: Last Phoenix Universe Story - A Survivor's Grace

This is actually closer to a novlette, totalling just under ten thousand words. I'm posting a few excerpts for the same reason as before: I'd like some general feedback on it. The Phoenix Project will return next week as this is the last story that I wanted some critiques on. I hope everyone enjoys it!

A Survivor’s Grace

Anne realized the beans were bubbling in the pot and set the table for dinner. She poured the hot meal into a second-hand bowl from the cupboard. Anne sat at a crude, wood table in the hunting lodge she had discovered over a year earlier.

The propane tank had finally given out a month ago, but she was still reluctant to use the fireplace to heat her meals. The smoke might give her away, but she had decided it was worth the risk.

She hefted a spoonful of the aging canned good into her mouth and looked across the vacant table in the dim kitchen. It had been eighteen months since she had last seen another person.

This would have been her graduating year.

Anne thought of how she should be picking out a prom dress right now. She should be picking out make-up, a good hairdresser, and worrying if she had chosen the right guy to take her to the dance.

Instead she sat here, in the dark, and wondered if her sister was still alive. She hadn’t seen Beth in two years. Beth would be nineteen by now.
She ruminated on her meal and the last two years while she stared at the opposite wall. Anne noticed the taste of the beans was a little off now. They had passed their expiration date a few months ago, but the beans and the other meals from the large store of canned goods hadn’t caused her a sour stomach yet.

Anne was used to the sumptuous meals provided by her parents. Her eyes stung at the memory of the two, both dead. She finished the meal and got one of the tattered books from the limited library in the den. She sat on a chair with her single candle and began to read. This was the last unread book, but she found herself stopping every paragraph in distraction.

Where the hell was Beth?

Anne nearly lost her composure then. She resisted a great desire to weep. That hadn’t happened in three months, and she was determined it would be at least another three before it occurred again.

Still, she couldn’t escape the question. Why hadn’t her sister come for her yet?

She comforted herself with the same answer as before. With tanks raging across burned-out cities and patrols in every village and town within a few hundred kilometers, it was impossible. Finding lost relatives on this planet was a dangerous occupation and one that Beth was too intelligent to undertake.

Beth had always done better at school, but Ann comforted herself with the knowledge that she had always been more popular. She forced herself to concentrate on a trashy romance novel and found it comforting to fall into a world where she had a boyfriend, a life, and an existence beyond this lonely, forgotten cabin in the woods.

Once she realized that it had gotten late, she retired to a small bedroom in the back. The bed was covered in afghans that the original owner’s grandmother must have knitted. They were warm, even if she hadn’t been able to wash them since she arrived.

After staring at the ceiling for at least an hour, she felt fatigue seize her consciousness. Forgetting the world of reality, she found herself where she least wanted to be.

Just as most dreamers do, she knew on some level that she had already experienced these events, but this was clouded in her dreams as some form of deja vu. Even as she sat on her bed and spoke with her girlfriend on the earpiece hanging from her lobe, she knew something was about to happen.
“I’ve got to go,” she said to Amy and hung up the phone. It hadn’t occurred that way in reality, but it was the realization that something was about to happen that forced her off the phone. She stood up in her plush bedroom and looked through the window. There was a glow coming from the horizon, just as he she somehow knew there would be.

She raced to wall and moved the curtains out of the way as a feeling of foreboding filled her gut. The second floor window’s view was blocked by the adjacent house, but she could tell that the orange light on the horizon wasn’t from city lights. Something was burning.

A lot of somethings were burning.

Ann had noticed the reports of war looming closer to their city, but it still seemed a world away. Ann jumped from a loud knock at her sturdy, plastic door.

“Ann, you in there?” her father demanded from the other side.

“Dad?” Ann inquired. The door was flung open before she could reach it.

“You and your sister are going to have to go to the basement,” he replied. Her father had the pistol in his hand he had kept from his service in the Coalition Army.

“What’s going on? What’s that light out there? Is something on fire?” she asked, excitedly.

“The E.I.A.’s landing troops. It’s a surprise attack. The news just broadcasted a general warning for all residents of New Amsterdam.”

“I think I know that already,” Ann said, and found the true memories escaping her.

Her father ignored the comment as it never had been made in real life. “Don’t get all excited. Come on.”

She followed him down to the cellar. Beth was already there and grabbed her hand to comfort both herself and her sister. In that moment Ann knew
that there was something that was going to happen, but she resisted the urge to run to her parents and watched the door close as she had in real life.

Talk to me,” Ann said, frightened.

“Dan asked me to prom.”

“When?” Ann asked, but didn’t take her stare from the closed door.

“Today, at school. He’s cute, don’t you think?”

“Very cute, and in twelfth grade.”

“I know, a full year ahead of me. I didn’t think he noticed me at all,” Beth said.

“Neither did I,” Ann joked, even though they continued to watch the silent door at the top of the stairs. “Find me if something happens.”

“What?”

“Find me if something happens,” Ann repeated, deviating from history.

“I’ll find you no matter what happens.”

“I hope so,” Ann said. She knew what was going to happen next. They heard explosions now that couldn’t be far off.

The door flew open and her father rushed down to them.

“The bastards are blowing houses up! You’re not safe here!”

The sisters followed him from the basement. He had his pistol ready even as he led them through their house and towards the front door.

Wow this is pretty compelling stuff. I'm not sure whether the dream/flashback is the main story or the part in the lodge, though I expect that's clear from reading the rest. The only sentence a had a little issue with was "Her father ignored the comment as it never had been made in real life." which I had to read twice. It's nothing major, and it makes sense, but it's a little awkward. Other than that, very positive.

I really enjoyed it overall. It still seems a bit rough to me, though. For example, the spelling of her name changes from Anne to Ann and the environment descriptions are a bit lacking.
One thing that jumped out at me was:

“Ann, you in there?” her father demanded from the other side.

Unless the door was locked, I'm fairly sure he would have just burst in without asking under the circumstances.

There were other parts where I think you rushed through a bit and didn't take enough time to really clarify what was happening.

Just as most dreamers do, she knew on some level that she had already experienced these events, but this was clouded in her dreams as some form of deja vu. Even as she sat on her bed

This part, for example, isn't as clear as it probably should be, and I was a bit confused by the sudden change of location for the flashback.

Another edit, though, and I think you'll have a really great introduction. It sounds like a very exciting story with lots of action, suspense and emotion, and I'd really like to see more when it's ready. Thanks for sharing this.

Higurro: I know. The same sentence bothers me. I thought I could blow it past you, but you caught it!!! I'll rewrite it.

josh.townley: I'll fix the Anne/Ann problem. Thanks for pointing it out. I thought it was already fixed, but I guess not! As to the father bursting in, I'll take another look at it. I see what you mean with the other sentence and I think it just needs to be simplified a little.

Thanks to both of you for your input, I always appreciate it.

Kris

I thought it a bit confusing. Why is Anne not going to her prom but her sister is? (I am British and we don't have proms)

Anyway, I get the impression that life is not the same anymore for Anne, something has happened to her and she's now a ghost or not really alive anymore? Have aliens taken over? Sorry I have a cold right now and after reading a second time I still don't really get it. Is the part where her dad comes a think back? Earlier you say both her parents are dead.

Originally Posted by Robdemanc

I thought it a bit confusing. Why is Anne not going to her prom but her sister is? (I am British and we don't have proms)

Anyway, I get the impression that life is not the same anymore for Anne, something has happened to her and she's now a ghost or not really alive anymore? Have aliens taken over? Sorry I have a cold right now and after reading a second time I still don't really get it. Is the part where her dad comes a think back? Earlier you say both her parents are dead.

I guess I wasn't clear! Anne's thinking of the fact that she should be going to her prom, but isn't, due to her circumstances. The answer to your next few questions are answered as the story progresses. You're not supposed to have all the answers on the first two pages. The total story is just under ten thousand words and there's less than a thousand words of that posted so far. The part about her father occurs while she's dreaming.

P.S. I hope you're feeling better soon!

Kris

They met their mother at the entrance to their home. Ann hugged her mother tightly. An orange flash forced her concerned parent’s attention towards the end of the street.

“Missiles, Jack!” her mother exclaimed, “They’re using missiles to blow up the neighborhood!”

Jack whirled around and placed his arms across his children’s shoulders. “The news said that there are emergency airlifts for civilians on the edge of the city. Go there and wait for us. Now, run! Both of you, RUN!”

She wanted to tell him that she thought he was going to die, she didn’t know why she would say that, but she had a feeling. Instead, Beth was already dragging her along by the hand at full tilt for the edge of the suburb.

Ann heard the sound of missiles whistling through the air. They were at the end of the street when the missiles impacted against the houses just behind them. Columns of fire erupted in the night sky.

She knew her parents were dead, but a terrifying fear forced her legs to keep pumping. Ann didn’t know how much time had passed, but one moment they were running and in the next, they found themselves shocked by the crush of other rushing bodies jostling them back and forth.

Ann looked up to realize that Beth wasn’t beside her anymore. She saw Beth a few meters away among a panicked crowd surging for the edges of the city. Ann screamed for her sister and Beth did her best to fight the crowd but the hundreds of panicked civilians won out in the end.

She awoke from the dream as though one of the people pushing against her had somehow jostled her awake. Ann realized that she had been dreaming of the invasion, again. She fell back into bed and thankfully, didn't have any more dreams.

In the morning, she waited until her hunger was at its greatest before she reluctantly opened a tin of tomato soup. There were still embers in the chimney which she used to start a new fire. It was just as she saw the tomato soup begin to boil that her ears perked up at the sound of a distant noise. It was a sound that she had dreaded hearing for the last eighteen months.

There was a soft hum coming from some distance away and it was getting louder by the second. She could almost feel the vibration through the ground. Ann knew that a hover-tank would be here in less than five minutes. The soup was forgotten and Ann ran into the bedroom. A dusty backpack sat on the floor next to the bed. She had packed it the first night she had found this cabin after wandering through the woods for nearly a month. She had hoped never to have to use it, but now she quickly slapped the dust off of it and put it over her shoulder.

It contained some clothes and some cans of food along with a can opener. She poured the tomato soup into a thermos and ran through the back door. The autumn sun had been drying the leaves on the trees for a few months now, but this planet had very little in the way of wind. Those leaves would hang onto the branches until after the first snowfall.

Ann climbed up the steep hill behind the cabin and got to the top just as she saw a green tank appear down the wide path no more than a hundred meters away. She lay flat on the ground at the top of the hill and hoped the tank hadn’t seen her. It hummed down the path on its anti-gravity plating until it was parallel to the house. Ann watched as the tank's main cannon swung around to face the house. A moment later, it fired a round into the cabin. The small structure exploded from what must have been a shell with a few grams of C-5 in it.

She lay on the ground perfectly still and watched the tank. The tank’s muzzle continued to point at the house while the men watched the cabin burn.They were looking for any survivors attempting to escape from the burning wreckage. After a minute, the muzzle swung back towards the road and the tank got underway. Ann listened as the hum faded into the background. She watched the cabin burn and wondered what to do.

There was nowhere else to go. Was there?

She eventually got to her feet and began to walk north where she knew the heart of the Coalition beat. If she kept walking in that direction she might just run into troops from her nation. There was a slim chance, but it was as good a direction as any.

It was after an hour of walking that she remembered a snippet of news that her father had been watching. Before the war began, a lot of people were building long term shelters to wait it out. But there was something else the news anchor spoke of. A large number of private companies were building large complexes in rural locations. If only she knew where one of them was.

Ann looked up into the sky and saw the low mountains ten kilometers away that separated her from the larger Coalition cities in the north. It might take a while to get over those mountains, but with food and the shelter of a cave she could make it.

She spent the next two days on a little known path crossing the mountains. They weren’t kilometers high, but they were still difficult to cross. Ann had spent the previous couple of nights in damp caves and found that she seemed to be developing a cold. Ann promised herself that there would be no more than another day’s walk to other side of the mountains.

That night she couldn’t find any caves to sleep in and had to make do with some tall boulders to nestle against. In the morning, she got started again and found that her cold seemed to be accompanied by a mild fever.

It was over the top of a road that she hoped she would see the end of the mountain disappearing into the forests of the north. When she reached the summit, she had a hopeful expression, and it turned into tears. In the distance another chain of mountains blocked her path. It would take another three days to get over them, and she knew that she couldn’t last that long. She nearly collapsed to her knees, but instead she began to walk towards the next mountain.

She was nearing the summit of another mountain two days later. By this time, she was beginning to develop the early warning signs of pneumonia. A stubborn fever now left her on the edge of a delirium. It was then that Ann saw something strange in a rock wall off the path. She swore that she could see the faint outline of a door in the cliff-face next to the road. She hobbled up to it and recognized slight indentations that appeared to form a set of double doors.

She placed a hand to her forehead and felt the heat from her fever. Ann seriously wondered if she was imagining what she saw. She decided if it was real, then it was worth investigating. If it wasn’t, then she might as well waste the time. She was never going to make it over the mountains alive.

Ann traced the outline with a trembling finger and swore that it felt real. With the last of her strength, she began to pound against the rock face. She was certain she was hallucinating when the rock-doors slid into the mountain and a man came out.

Even if it wasn’t real, she was still overjoyed to see another person for the first time in nearly two years. Ann smiled and fell forwards.

It's getting very interesting now.

The autumn sun had been drying the leaves on the trees for a few months now, but this planet had very little in the way of wind. Those leaves would hang onto the branches until after the first snowfall.

This part in particular piqued my curiosity, and I thought was well placed.

they found themselves shocked by the crush of other rushing bodies jostling them back and forth

I liked this line, too.

I think that towards the end, the writing seemed a bit less polished, and not quite as creatively written.

When she reached the summit, she had a hopeful expression, and it turned into tears.

I didn't like this sentence.

But there was something else the news anchor spoke of.

I didn't think you were supposed to finish a sentence with 'of'.

She placed a hand to her forehead and felt the heat from her fever

I'm not sure that this is accurate. I thought that if the body temperature is elevated, it is elevated more or less evenly all over, meaning that the net heat transfer would be zero, and you won't be able to detect a temperature this way. I'm happy to be corrected by someone that knows, though.

I think it's a really interesting story, and I'm looking forward to seeing where it goes next.

Originally Posted by josh.townley

It's getting very interesting now.

This part in particular piqued my curiosity, and I thought was well placed.


I liked this line, too.

I think that towards the end, the writing seemed a bit less polished, and not quite as creatively written.

I didn't like this sentence.


I didn't think you were supposed to finish a sentence with 'of'.


I'm not sure that this is accurate. I thought that if the body temperature is elevated, it is elevated more or less evenly all over, meaning that the net heat transfer would be zero, and you won't be able to detect a temperature this way. I'm happy to be corrected by someone that knows, though.

I think it's a really interesting story, and I'm looking forward to seeing where it goes next.

Josh,

Thanks for the compliments.

For the first line: you're right, I don't like it either. I will rewrite it.
On the second: you caught me ending a sentence with a preposition. Again, I will rewrite it.
On the third: I was referring to the idea of feeling someone's fever by touching your hand to it. I'm not sure if that was clear. If I'm running a fever, I can tell by touching my forehead. Honestly, I don't know if anyone else can!

Thank-you for the objective eye. I can always use a few!

Kris