Thread: Infinite Star

Hey all,

I have pasted below the opening paragraph to the first of five series of books I am writing, I am a little 'iffy' about the opening paragraph and hope many of you can let me know what you think

Chapter One
A Star is Born

Real life is boring.
Simple.
Occasionally something can happen that may be ever so slightly interesting, something that gets the blood pumping and adrenaline running briefly, but inevitably it would fade away and life would return to what it is.
Normal.
Normality is the only sure thing in the world today, every day is the same and nothing out of the ordinary ever happens, it’s as boring as a silent person on a rollercoaster.
But what if it wasn’t? What if something extraordinary happened every day and that we were all too accustomed to our mundane lives of work and school to even notice what was going on in the world? What if something out of this world began to happen without evolution? Or radioactive waste? Or botched science experiments? What if you could be chosen for something bigger, something out of your control? Would you really jump at the chance to leave the life of normality behind for something wild and dangerous? Would you? What if you one day made a wish to a shooting star and it granted you every dream you ever had? Would you recognise the nightmare? Sometimes we cry out for something extraordinary to happen to us, begging for a release from the harsh light of day and the cruel reality that is real life, but we don’t realise what is right front of us because, truthfully, normality means safety and comfort. Normality is what ensures we sleep at night and wake up in the morning, fresh as a daisy.
Imagine if all of that was to be ripped out from under you and you were forced away from the normality we claim to hate so much and forced into the world of a Zodiac...


This is aimed at young adults and older people with a vivid imagination, the series of books follow the same group of Zodiacs as their lives change dramtically through each book.

What a Zodiac is will be revealed later!

I find what you are saying in this paragraph intriguing. However, it feels as though I am reading an essay, not a novel. If this is the beginning of your story, start with your story. The questions throughout this paragraph can be added in throughout the remainder of the novel. The characters could ask themselves these questions, etc.

This might just be a personal opinion, but I like stories that begin with action, not philosophy. If you are dead set on keeping this as the opening, then I suggest trimming it down a bit and then jumping into the actual story.

Hi there Iggy,

I have posted the next paragraph for you, I don't really go into action right away but let me know what you think!

KT stood alone in a long corridor that stretched further than the eye could see, eventually breaking off into darkness. He looked in every direction, it was the same every way he looked, doors along the sides of the hall, grey simple doors with a normal looking door knob, completely ordinary. He walked down the hall, his trainers squeaking on the polished and mopped floor, there were no other sounds to accompany him, he walked for what felt like hours and yet the end of the hallway came no closer to him, he considered breaking into a run when one of the grey doors to his left opened and a bright white light engulfed him and his lonely hall. He could hear a whimpering coming from the room but he could not see inside, it was a girl, she needed his help. He stepped forward with a purpose but stalled at the door, the light seemed both welcoming and frightening, he shook his worries off and jumped in head first. He came into a room so white and clean he could not see the walls, he seemed to be surrounded by nothing but white and he was uncertain where the floor ended. He turned to see there was no longer any door and he was now trapped, alone, in this white space.
No.
Not alone.
The whimpering had grown louder and was closer to him, he turned to see, curled up in one of the corners (or so he assumed) of the room, was a girl, about his age, her knees up to her chin, shaking and sobbing uncontrollably. The girl seemed inconsolable but KT knew he had to try, he stepped towards her but every step he took she drifted further away, he quickened his pace as the girl continued to drift even when he stopped approaching her. He broke off into a run and gave chase, sprinting faster and faster, he felt trapped on a treadmill and that somebody was upping the speed, feeling the ground slip out from beneath him he finally stumbled and fell, he fell and fell through the whiteness around him, there seemed to be no bottom but he knew that did not matter, he would know when he reached it, he would know when it was all over and when everything faded to darkness.
KT sat up with a jerk, cold sweat running down his face and dripping down his neck. He pulled his covers to his face and wiped himself off, frustrated. Three nights in a row he had had the exact same dream, the endless corridor, the doors and the girl, then the endless falling until he woke up. The girl was real, he somehow just knew it, he had never seen her face and the only distinctive feature of hers he could see was her light red hair that ran down her back and shielding her face from him. Who was she and why was he dreaming about her? KT knew he would not fall back asleep, turning to check his clock he discovered it to be four in the morning.




I've stopped just shy of revealing too much, do you think this is a better opening? I planned to open all five books with a similar paragraph, as if a character from the book is speaking to the reader but Book Two does not start in this way and so I should probably cut it from the first book, perhaps that paragraph could act as a synopsis/teaser?

I think this is a better opening right off the bat because it includes characters and the beginning of a plot. A few sentences jumped out at me:

He could hear a whimpering coming from the room but he could not see inside, it was a girl, she needed his help.

If he can't see, how can he be positive its a girl? Do you mean it sounded like a girl?

The girl seemed inconsolable but KT knew he had to try, he stepped towards her but every step he took she drifted further away, he quickened his pace as the girl continued to drift even when he stopped approaching her.

This sentence seemed to run-on a bit and might be stronger if you broke it into two or even three sentences instead of just putting commas.

He broke off into a run and gave chase, sprinting faster and faster, he felt trapped on a treadmill and that somebody was upping the speed, feeling the ground slip out from beneath him he finally stumbled and fell, he fell and fell through the whiteness around him, there seemed to be no bottom but he knew that did not matter, he would know when he reached it, he would know when it was all over and when everything faded to darkness.


I feel the same about this one. You could break this into more sentences and it would not only flow better but sound stronger.

My favorite part was actually when he woke up. This was your strongest paragraph in my opinion and piqued my curiosity (the fact that he keeps dreaming about her).

Overall, it could do with a thorough read through for sentence structure and word usage (just to make it stronger), but I like where its headed and would probably read more. Good luck and keep writing!

...and yes, i think the original paragraph, with some tightening up, could possibly serve as a teaser or something along those lines

Thanks Iggy!

I am currently saving money for an editor who can help with things like that but I will run through this chapter once more and see what I can do by myself, thanks again

Made some changes to match with what you suggested, let me know if I adjusted accordingly with what you stated or if I perhaps misunderstood the point,

KT stood alone in a long corridor that stretched further than the eye could see, eventually breaking off into darkness. He looked in every direction, it was the same every way he looked, doors along the sides of the hall, grey simple doors with a normal looking door knob, completely ordinary. He walked down the hall, his trainers squeaking on the polished and mopped floor with no other sounds to accompany him, he walked for what felt like hours and yet the end of the hallway came no closer to him, he considered breaking into a run when one of the grey doors to his left opened and a bright white light engulfed him and his lonely hall. He could hear a whimpering coming from the room but he could not see inside, it sounded like a girl, a girl that needed his help. He stepped forward with a purpose but stalled at the door, the light seemed both welcoming and frightening, he shook his worries off and jumped in head first. He came into a room so white and clean he could not see the walls, he seemed to be surrounded by nothing but white and he was uncertain where the floor ended. He turned to see there was no longer any door and he was now trapped, alone, in this white space.
No.
Not alone.
The whimpering had grown louder and was closer to him, he turned to see, curled up in one of the corners (or so he assumed) of the room, was a girl, about his age, her knees up to her chin, shaking and sobbing uncontrollably. The girl seemed inconsolable but KT knew he had to try. He stepped towards her but every step he took she drifted further away even as he quickened his pace the girl continued to drift further and further away. He broke off into a run and gave chase but felt trapped on a treadmill and that somebody was upping the speed as the girl came no closer to him. He felt the ground slip out from beneath him, he stumbled and fell, he fell through the whiteness around him, there seemed to be no bottom but he knew that did not matter, he would know when he reached it, he would know when it was all over and when everything faded to darkness.
KT sat up with a jerk, cold sweat running down his face and dripping down his neck. He pulled his covers to his face and wiped himself off, frustrated. Three nights in a row he had had the exact same dream, the endless corridor, the doors and the girl, then the endless falling until he woke up. The girl was real, he somehow just knew it, he had never seen her face and the only distinctive feature of hers he could see was her light red hair that ran down her back and shielding her face from him. Who was she and why was he dreaming about her? KT knew he would not fall back asleep, turning to check his clock he discovered it to be four in the morning.


PS: You would be right in thinking I have no life at the moment, this series has just completely taken over my life and I love it!

I think has strong potential, it's just a case of wording to make the reading flow. Where you've put "...grey simple doors with a normal looking door knob, completely ordinary.", you could possibly shorten it to "... anonymous grey doors." The reader will assume the handle is normal and it keeps the pace up. Similarly, with "...his trainers squeaking on the polished and mopped floor with no other sounds to accompany him", you might try "... the squeak of his trainers on the immaculate floor breaking the silence."

The first paragraph of the second chunk you've posted starts every sentence after the first with "He", which gets a little monotonous after a while, and it also has a sentence 67 words long. I know I'm being rather picky here but I generally stick to about 50 words max, or its starts to drag on a little. Usually I would only make an exception when a long sentence was necessary for some effect, and then I would make sure the rhythm of it flowed well. In this case I would put a full stop at "... sounds to accompany him."

My final point might sound trivial, but it's worth considering as a detail. You describe her hair as "light red", which in my books is pink, which I don't think you meant. Apart from that I like it, and it's really just a case of flow. I find reading out loud what I've written helps with that, and I agree with Iggy that the final part where he wakes up is the best bit. Hope that helps.

Higurro, it is funny you mention that, when the girl is described once more, I describe her hair as being 'almost pink in colour', the stage where it isn't red but it isn't brown and the girl, who you will meet, isn't one to be described as 'strawberry blonde', I have reposted below:

KT stood alone in a long corridor that stretched further than the eye could see, eventually breaking off into darkness. He looked in every direction, it was the same every way he looked, doors along the sides of the hall, grey simple doors. As he walked down the hall, his trainers squeaked on the polished floor, breaking the silence, he walked for what felt like hours and yet the end of the hallway came no closer to him, KT considered breaking into a run when one of the grey doors to his left opened and a bright white light engulfed him and the lonely hall. He could hear a whimpering coming from the room but he could not see inside, it sounded like a girl, a girl that needed his help. Purposefully he stepped forward but stalled at the door, the light seemed both welcoming and frightening but he shook his worries off and jumped in head first coming out into a room so white and clean he could not see the walls, he seemed to be surrounded by nothing but white and he was uncertain where the floor ended. Turning to see there was no longer any door he felt trapped, alone, in this white space.
No.
Not alone.
The whimpering had grown louder and was closer to him, curled up in one of the corners (or so he assumed) of the room, was a girl, about his age, her knees up to her chin, shaking and sobbing uncontrollably. He stepped towards her but every step he took she drifted further away even as he quickened his pace the girl continued to drift further and further away. He broke off into a run and gave chase but felt trapped on a treadmill and that somebody was upping the speed as the girl came no closer to him. He felt the ground slip out from beneath him, he stumbled and fell, he fell through the whiteness around him, there seemed to be no bottom but he knew that did not matter, he would know when he reached it, he would know when it was all over and when everything faded to darkness.
KT sat up with a jerk, cold sweat running down his face and dripping down his neck. He pulled his covers to his face and wiped himself off, frustrated. Three nights in a row he had had the exact same dream, the endless corridor, the doors and the girl, then the endless falling until he woke up. The girl was real, he somehow just knew it, he had never seen her face and the only distinctive feature of hers he could see was her light red hair that ran down her back and shielding her face from him. Who was she and why was he dreaming about her? KT knew he would not fall back asleep, turning to check his clock he discovered it to be four in the morning.

Hi GWJ Baird.
I actually liked the first little philosophical introduction that you wrote. I felt it set me up for the following part by putting me in the right frame of mind, if that makes sense. It could use some polishing, and be made to fit together with the next section a bit better, though. While I did like the second paragraph you put up, I think your grammar needs work, and you could be a bit more creative with your descriptions, which tended to get a bit repetitive, even in this short section. I found you used a lot of commas where a semi colon would have been more appropriate, or even a new sentence.

KT stood alone in a long corridor that stretched further than the eye could see, eventually breaking off into darkness. He looked in every direction, it was the same every way he looked

I was a bit confused by this. Is he just in a single corridor, or at some kind of junction? "every way he looked" implies that there are more directions to look, rather than just in front and behind.

KT considered breaking into a run when one of the grey doors to his left opened and a bright white light engulfed him and the lonely hall

I thought this was ambiguous. At first read, I thought it was the burst of white light that made him consider breaking into a run. Perhaps consider rewording it to make it a bit clearer.

I think the idea of the Zodiacs is good, and that hooked me nicely. I was a bit disappointed by the following dream sequence, which I thought was a little cliche. I would put in a little bit more about the Zodiacs before too long, or you might risk losing that hook.
I'm looking forward to seeing a bit more to see where it goes.

Thanks Josh!

Zodiacs are explained in the next few paragraphs, as I said I am having to save up at the moment for assistance with the grammatical edits,

What I tried to suggest with the 'breaking off into darkness' line was to suggest that KT could see it was a long corridor but the end was shrouded in darkness, I think I shall change that to 'stretched into darkness' and take out the 'further than the eye can see' comment,

As for the descriptions, my first readers were some friends who had to have some of the descriptions explained so I changed it to be simpler, I will go back over that once more,

And yes, reading that sentence regarding KT running, I can see how ambigous that can be so I think I will change it to 'KT considered breaking off into a run until one of the doors crashed open, stopping him in his tracks and engulfing him in light'

And thank you regarding the comments about my initial intro, I still have it saved but removed from the introduction, with some tweaking I am certainly going to find a place for it

Think I might put the next section up which includes an explanation on Zodiacs, so this is where I either lose you guys or make you stay, (be kind!) please note that the grammatical errors are something I am aware of and can already see in the pasted text below thanks to what has already been pointed out to me from the above


“Great,” he mumbled, stumbling out of his bed and to the bathroom across the hall. He turned the light on and immediately regretted it, his eyes burning as they attempted to adjust to the sudden brightness. He shuffled his way to the mirror above the sink, checking his own reflection as he did so. At the age of seventeen he was past the more awkward stage of puberty; his voice had settled in a mid pitch, not too high and not too low, he still had acne across his forehead but they were mostly covered by his brown fringe that stopped shy above his left eye. In his own opinion he was an average looking guy, he wasn’t by any means the best looking but he wasn’t offensive to the eye. Right now he was pale and slightly shaken, he hadn’t slept much the last few nights as he was continuously being disturbed by his dream and so there were black bags under his eyes, he looked like he had been roughed up several times. He ran the tap and splashed some water into his face, the ice cold water was a shock to his system and it took a lot for him to not cry out slightly. He dabbed his face dry with a nearby teal coloured towel and tiptoed out the bathroom and downstairs as not to disturb his family. He lived with both his parents, his mother Terri Thomas, while a doting mother was not one of his favourite people. He was known as KT outside the family home but to his mother he was Kitten, his birth name. Terri Thomas was under the impression that she would have a baby girl when she fell pregnant with KT and so decided on the name Kitten, when KT was born, evidently not a girl, she refused to change the name, despite the expert opinions of two doctors and seven nurses, not to mention the protests of her husband Patrick. Patrick Thomas was every bit the stereotypical dad, he was the main breadwinner in the family, he drank beer, he lived for his days off and he hated his job, he was a postman. He did what he did to give his family a comfortable lifestyle and he doted on them like the devoted father he was, even though at times he was the disciplinary of the parents, he was also referred to as the ‘cool’ one, the Thomas children would usually turn to him when their mother refused their requests. KT was not the only child to the Mr and Mrs Thomas, nor was he the firstborn, that distinction went to Riley. Aged at eighteen he was pretty decent for a teenager and as an older brother, he was in every night, shut up alone in his room, something that Mr Thomas pondered about every night, worried for his sons social life and that Mrs Thomas repeatedly voiced her gratitude that he was inside and not ‘out on the streets or god knows where else’. Riley was a kind big brother but was childlike to the extent that KT was often mistaken for the eldest, it didn’t bother him as far as KT knew and if it did he wasn’t very vocal about it. He seemed quite content to hibernate in his bedroom with as little attention as possible. The youngest of the Thomas children was very much the opposite, Terra, the sweet, endearing, butter wouldn’t melt, baby of the Thomas family. Not quite as close in age with her brothers, Terra was eleven years old and in her first year of the ‘big school’ which she loved. Really loved. She was, for want of a better term, spoiled in her early years and this did not set her up well for future friendships, used to getting her own way she had trouble accepting the act of sharing into her repertoire and was not well liked by many at school, this mixed with her ‘better than you’ approach to school work which did not earn her much respect, a necessary component of any successful school life. KT had trouble liking her at times and although he could never run out of love, he disliked her very much so. KT found his way into the living room, he didn’t turn on any lights, his eyes having grown used to the darkness, he instead made his way to the window, staring out onto the street of Croft Avenue where they resided, the streetlights lit the road in an eerie orange glow but KT could see that dawn would arise soon, the sky not as dark as it was when he went to bed the night before. No other houses that he could see were lit up and showed no signs of life, it seemed only he was restless. He fell into the couch, succumbing to the comfortable leather and switched on the black television across from him. The effect was sudden, the sound blared into the deathly silent living room and easily travelled upstairs, KT hurriedly struggled to hit the mute as one hand covered his ear, the other ear pressed down on his shoulder, he eventually jumped and pointed the remote at the TV like he was brandishing a gun and finally silenced the widescreen beast. He remained frozen as he listened for sound from above alerting him to his parents awakening, after long, painful minutes he was satisfied nobody was roused by his raucous and opted to enjoy a safe and silent bowl of cereal. He turned to leave when a whooshing sound, like something flying past his ear at high speed burst into the silence with a blast of wind, making him shiver at the cold, still dressed in just a vest and shorts. He spun around, jumping to see Terra standing behind him, her arms crossed and her face set, dressed in her purple, kitten pyjamas. Her blond hair braided in a plait down her back, her baby blue eyes were narrowed in silent fury at KT.
“You woke me,” she said, her face furious.
“Sorry,” KT offered a heartfelt apology, complete with shrug, “mum isn’t going to be happy you teleported in the house again,” he warned her, acknowledging her sudden appearance. Terra, like the rest of the Thomas family, was a Zodiac, KT could remember his parents sitting him and his siblings down to discuss exactly what this meant and of the potential power within each of them. Although the powers were not hereditary, rather it was a matter of choice. Those with power, Zodiacs, were in fact human hosts to a star entity from the sky that bonded with a human sentient on a metaphysical level, those who were one with a Star were granted these weird and wonderful abilities and you could be chosen at any time by a Star. Nobody knew why, only that it had been occurring for several millennia, before time itself.

Good work with this next section. There are the same sort of grammatical errors here and there, but I didn't notice as many. I thought the descriptions were good, and it was a great introduction to the main character and his life. I thought the little twist at the end was very nicely played. It was a bit hard to read all in one big chunk like that, but it held my attention all the same. Maybe in future try to break it into paragraphs, and put one line of space between them.
I have a couple of notes:

KT had trouble liking her at times and although he could never run out of love, he disliked her very much so

I didn't like this sentence. It might be more effective as something like: "Although he could never run out of love for his little sister, there were times when he had trouble liking her."
Also, you say that Terra 'really loves' her new school, but then we find that not many people there like her or respect her. So why does she like it? Is she just oblivious to their dislike and off in her own little world?

staring out onto the street of Croft Avenue where they resided

I don't think you need to say 'where they resided' as that is assumed knowledge.

finally silenced the widescreen beast

I really enjoyed this line.

Overall, it could still use a little bit more polish, but it's coming along really well.

Thank you Josh,

I don't mean it as she loves that particular school, she just loves schools and brands any such hate and name calling as jealousy for her teacher's pet routine,

And I feel that my description of KT and Terra's relationship is a little too harsh so will change accordingly

Also, the reason for lumping it all together is because I have a seperate file to be sent to the editors who have requested that I divide the text in double line spacing and have seperate 'scenes' if you will seperated via asterix,

All will be polished up shortly

I found it all quite intriguing. I could imagine young adults going for it. I agree with others about the first paragraph being too philosophical and I reckon it may need to be ditched. Better to start with the dream paragraph (providing the dream he is having is actually relevent to the story in a big way).

You spend a lot of time introducing the family to the reader and I wondered if it would be better to do this gradually? Talk about terra when she teleports downstairs perhaps, then the next day introduce the parents. Anyway it looks like it has good potential and would be an interesting saga. Its a good start.