Thread: H.E.A.E.I.B. Chapter 42: Survival Of The Fittest (Violence and Language)

Chapter 42: Survival of the fittest!
The machine guns are heard outside.
"They're attacking from the northern side! We've got two of our five remaining soldiers there!" The captain said to her.
A tree explodes outside and crashes into the ruins. The captain throws Samantha a 9mm pistol. She checks if there's ammo inside. The captain takes out his weapons and charges towards the sounds of the machine guns.
The sound of yelling became louder as if someone raised the volume. Sounds of gunshots are being fired across the night sky. Then a sound of a huge explosion comes from the northern side. Samantha leaves the room that she slept in and enters the ruined corridor. The remaining three soldiers run past her and continue running towards the northern area.
She stands there in the dark looking around. sounds of footsteps running towards come closer and closer. Out of the darkness ran four soldiers and the captain. They all stop in front of her.
"Shit! They've breached the barricades that we've set! We must defend ourselves!" He said quickly to everyone.
He kicks a door off the hinges that leads to a field which leads to the other side of the ruins .
"Everyone, let's go!" He orders.
All of them run across the field to the other side as if they were being chased. The captain kicks another door off the hinges and everyone hurries inside. There was a stairway towards the towers and another corridor leads towards a bedroom. The captain faces the remaining soldier.
"The four of you, set up the remaining machine guns!" He orders and the faces Samantha. "Samantha, I want you to go and hide inside the bedroom."
The soldiers run up the stair while Samantha runs into the room and closes the door behind her. The enemy can be heard shouting in the field they just went through. The captain faces the doorway and fires out at them. The soldiers reach the towers and set up the machine guns quickly. They start to fire across the field at the enemy that is on the field and those that stepped out on the other side.
The captain picks up the door and bolts it up back in place. The machine guns continued to kill the Russians. Then a couple of rockets appear in the distance. The captain hears something coming and begins to run. Two of the soldiers jump down the stairs. The towers explode on impact killing the remaining soldiers up there. The debris blocks up the stairs.
"Shit! We can't get back up there. Most of the good weapons are there!" First soldier shouts in anger.
"What do we do now?" The second soldier asks.
"Follow me." The captain replies.
The three of them run into the bedroom where Samantha is hiding.
"You two, cover the door. Once the enemy breaks through, kill as many as you can before they kill you." The Captain orders. The two of them nod in anguish and shut the door. The two soldiers take out hand grenades, pull of the pins and throw it into the staircase.
The grenades explode, sending the door into the field. Sounds of humans in pain echo into the corridor. Then, someone throws a smoke grenade inside the corridor and it slowly fills up the corridor with white smoke. The two soldiers start to fire into the smoke. Some bullets hit the enemy and they fire back at the two. One of the bullets trikes one of the soldiers into the head while another another shot the other one through the neck.
"Oh my god! We're going to die! " Samantha panics.
The captain looks around the room quickly. The door explodes and two Russians enter the room. Samantha crawls into a corner while The Captain kills them. More and more soldiers appear inside the room. The captain continues to kill them and eventually runs out of ammo. He throws the empty gun aside and the Russians advance on him, punching and kicking him everywhere. Small metallic pieces start falling off of him as he gets punched. He gets kicked so hard that he skids next to Samantha. Then the enemy soldiers take out their weapons. She covers her face. Shots are heard. A white flash of light covers the room and then silence.
"Am I dead?" She thought to herself.

The grammatical quality is generally good, though there are a few issues with jumping from present to past tense, though that's not too intrusive. I feel that the plot and actions of the soldiers are sound in principal but glossed over extremely rapidly for a scene that seems to me to be fairly important to the plot (though this is the only part I've read).

I think the main issue I have is with the writing style, which reads like a basic description of a video game. In other words, I don't feel in any way part of the action, though the sheer rapidity of the delivery creates a kind of battlefield disorientation, which helps. The descriptions come off as rather emotionless and distant. Line spacing or indentation would make it a little easier to read on screen too, though I think the thing could be quite compelling if you can introduce a little more immersion and detail without sacrificing the fast pace.

Originally Posted by Higurro

The grammatical quality is generally good, though there are a few issues with jumping from present to past tense, though that's not too intrusive. I feel that the plot and actions of the soldiers are sound in principal but glossed over extremely rapidly for a scene that seems to me to be fairly important to the plot (though this is the only part I've read).

I think the main issue I have is with the writing style, which reads like a basic description of a video game. In other words, I don't feel in any way part of the action, though the sheer rapidity of the delivery creates a kind of battlefield disorientation, which helps. The descriptions come off as rather emotionless and distant. Line spacing or indentation would make it a little easier to read on screen too, though I think the thing could be quite compelling if you can introduce a little more immersion and detail without sacrificing the fast pace.

Thanks.