Thread: Scroll One: The Birthday Party

Well, this is the first chapter of my novel. It's written in scrolls because it fits better in the world I made up than a chapter does, picture reading this from the typical Japanese scrolls used in the old times.
By the way, the novel has no title yet.

Scroll One: The Birthday Party

I'll go back around 800 years ago, when the prophesy written by my ancestors was accomplished, I was born. The prophesy said that when a purple-eyed female was born, my village would be saved from the claws of darkness, that had been consuming my world little by little. My mom had a hard time giving birth to me, but when I finally gave my first breath, she instantly healed. No one knows why, its one of the mysteries of my powers, but all the persons that were watching this paid more attention to my sparkly purple eyes, rather than my healed mother.

My father decided to hide my destiny from me until I was old enough to understand the future of the earth was lying in my hands. He, as the elder of the village told the villagers never to tell the legends again, everything that had to do with the prophesy vanished, and with the years the prophesy was nothing but a myth that many had forgotten, my father and mother never did, they always kept an eye on me, so I would not find out about it until I was sixteen.
I grew up like any normal child; everyone liked my purple eyes and PURPLE hair, in the beginning, many were scared by my ability to read their minds, as well as the fact that I could talk to animals.
But this was normal, the adults said. “There are many people that are born with these sorts of powers, many have had their own explanations but no one knows for certain.” They said, so after a while everyone got used to it, including me.



“Sheena, wake up sis, happy birthday!” Liz yelled. I lazily opened my eyes and squinted at the light. Elizabeth, my twenty-four year old sister was sitting on my bed. I smiled as I remembered what day it was, twelfth of March, today I was turning sixteen. After giving me a painful hug, Liz ran around the room, rambling on about my birthday party and how she had organized a lot and stuff like that. I sat up in my bed and looked around in my room. It was very pretty, under all the mess that two sisters who know nothing about cleaning could create. It was dimly lit, but the sun filtered slightly through the closed curtains. Everything was made of different types of wood, and it was filled with small and big chests overflowing with clothes, books, accessories, etc. I have to admit it was a very big closet, but we couldn’t keep it tidy and half of the clothes always lay on the floor.
There were many of Liz’s drawings hanging on the walls, mostly pictures of us together, which she drew without us having to model. There was also a big desk filled with Liz’s drawings, papers where I took notes in class, my books and notebooks, quills, ink blobs and dirty ink pots, etc.
“I’m going downstairs, just wait here for a sec, we’re almost done okay?” She said, and with that she disappeared. I sat up on my bed and smiled lightly, as I replayed the previous days’ events on my head; it had been all about my party. I was sick of it really; it wasn’t that big of a deal for me but Flor –my best friend-, Liz and my mother were so exited the birthday could’ve been theirs instead of mine.
I rubbed my eyes and stretched lazily. “It’s early” I thought, slowly sitting up on my bed. I could hear a bird singing, not any bird but the distinct call of the Woodpecker that, despite everything I did to keep it away from my window, kept singing from eight to eight thirty every morning.
“I’ll kill them” I said out loud, I usually say my thoughts out loud for some reason, which never failed to get me in trouble. I am and always have been an irritable person. “Don’t worry guys, she’s reactive.” Flor had put it like this the first time I met her friends, I laughed, but they stared at me, scared out of their guts.
Sitting up on my bed and replaying all my dreams had become a routine, since most of my dreams came true. This morning was filled with daily premonitions, Flor coming over, my birthday party, etc. There was something that bothered me though, one specific image, or scene. First was the faint smell of hazelnut, followed by the slight feeling of entrapment. Finally, a cultured breathy voice strained with pain. “Please stay here” My captor said sweetly, I could barely make out where I was, but the sight of a tree told me I was on the big forest that surrounded my village.
And then everything faded. I spent a few minutes pondering about this vision, but like many others, I could only wait and see what it was about. This one was a bit different though, I was curious about everything the premonition contained. I hopped out of bed with the smell of hazelnut lingering on the back of my mind.

I was a bit mad at everyone for waking me up early on one of my precious out-of-class days. I stormed out of my room and stopped on my tracks when I walked past a family picture Liz had drawn, one of her best actually, all of us were waving from a huge tree in the middle of the forest. The picture quelled my anger, and I was surprised to find a hint of sadness in me.
I grunted and shook my head, denying any sadness that might have been there. I turned left to stop by the bathroom and slowly opened the door.
If our room was a disaster, our bathroom was a victim of the spirits’ wrath. The combination of hairballs, towels, hairpins, clothes, accessories, gooey vials filled with colorful extracts of plants to make our hair shinier, less greasy, etc. Made the 5 x 5mt bathroom look like what remained from the war between the chaos isles versus the Fire Continent.
I washed my face, staring at myself in the mirror.
“If Flor could see me now” I rolled my eyes and chuckled, imagining all the things my best friend could have to say about my morning image. From between a small mountain of clothes I pulled a towel to dry my face, I did so quickly and then threw the towel back in the pile of clothes. Tying my hair back into a ponytail and brushing the messy fringe out of my eyes, I took the stairs down two at a time.
I opened the door to the kitchen and was jumped at by my family, they yelled happy birthday and shot clumsily wrapped gifts at me.
I opened them over breakfast, carefully examining each. Liz gave me one of her favorite pendants. Since I’d lost my own, it was of her design actually; it consisted of a silver wolf footprint. I slipped it to a black leather string and tied it around my neck. Next was my mother’s, who gave me a very weird coat, or robe or dress that was open in the front.

Whichever it was, I found it pretty. It was light purple, and went down to my knees. The sleeves were big, short and folded backwards on the end, and since the inner part of the robe was white, the ends of the sleeves were of the same color.

I folded the garment and left it on a chair, promising to try it on later. My father, who had remained in the same position –Leaning on his right hand with a nonchalant attitude- handed me a black backpack filled with traveler items, such as detailed map of the ten continents, a compass, an odd-looking horn and a small dagger.
I raised my eyebrows and looked at him, a bit disturbed and confused by my present. Don’t get me wrong I loved it, but still… it was odd.
“Are we… Going somewhere?” I asked curiously. My mom opened her eyes widely and looked at my father, who was looking out the window, completely oblivious of the situation, and then at Liz, who was quite alarmed. She stood up and started pulling me by the arm.
“Of course you are, you’re going to take a shower, Flor will be right over.” My sister said, pushing me up the stairs and into the bathroom before I even had time to try and read their minds to see what was going on.
“Liz- I- What the hell is going on here?” I asked, but she closed the bathroom door and was gone without an answer. I stared at the mirror and frowned, losing myself in thought.
“Maybe it’s just a joke” I concluded, taking my clothes off and untying my hair. “That’s probably it, or maybe we are actually travelling somewhere and I discovered it” I said to myself and hopped into the shower.

I kept saying things like that throughout the entire shower, until someone knocked on the door. “Hey Sheen hurry up I’m bored!” Flor said, and chuckled. I smiled and rinsed my hair quickly.
“Okay, okay” I turned the shower off and quickly dried myself with a towel. “Bored” I repeated as I slipped into a pair of white tights and a long aqua shirt I pulled from under a mountain of clothes.
“Hey Flor, is it cold outside?” I opened the bathroom door and was attacked by my friend. She had red, phased straight hair that reached the back of her neck. She always kept a moss green beret over it, which matched with her slightly baggy pants that went down to her knees. Her pockets were filled with the most random things, which were always useful for some reason. She normally wore a short sleeve shirt with horizontal, red stripes and a “V” neck that revealed a bit more than she’d like, which is why she wore a yellow shirt under it. She was addicted to clothes, but she rarely changed her outfit since she spent her time focused on other people’s clothes. She didn’t wear the same clothes though; she had the same shirts and pants repeated like four times.
Not that I saw any of her, since she had tied something around my eyes. I felt around unconsciously, to avoid crashing into anything. “What is this?” I frowned and clenched my fist.
“Hey, you’re not gonna punch me are you? It’s a surprise, just calm down you animal” Flor said, directing me towards somewhere, possibly my room. I fought the urge of reading her mind to find out, this was simple since Flor was very strict about me reading her mind, and I had a lot of practice.
“Please tell me you didn’t just pick those clothes from in there” Flor said, disgusted. She hated anything that was messy, but she had a special hating place in her heart for my bathroom
“Hey, show a little respect, midget” I teased, stretching my hands out to stop myself from crashing into something. Flor was very short, though she’d never let anyone call her so.
“I’m going to throw you down the stairs if you don’t shut it” My friend stopped walking and pulled my shirt so I would too. “Happy birthday!” She untied the fuchsia shawl and stuffed it in one of her pockets. I squinted at the light coming from the window and walked into my room.
One could tell Flor had been in my room because the second she stepped in she started to compulsively tidy it. She wouldn’t stop until the room was spotless, which normally took a lot of time. She had put all the papers that were scrambled across the floor in a pile over a table, put all the ink pots and quills in a drawer and put all the clothes back into the closet. This was not what called my attention, it was the two pairs of gloves and the black and light purple boots displayed neatly across the floor. My face switched from confusion to anger and finally to surprise.
Everything was so beautiful, I didn’t notice until later how odd it was that they matched with the coat my mother had given me. The boots had black soles with patterns engraved in them; they were starting to put these into all shoes lately, it was supposed to help you walk in rocky places. They reached halfway up my leg and had no lacing; they were made of a synthetic type of light-purple chamois on the outside, since it had no lacing it was smooth all around the boot, it had absolutely no sewing, only a vertical one on the back of the boot, and they ended on a round tip. You put them on by simply slipping your feet into them, they fit perfectly.
The two pairs of gloves were combinable. One pair was black, and made of cotton and elastics, that way when you put them on they shaped to your hand, this pair was to warm your hands.
The other pair was made of purple leather; they didn’t enclose the fingers but left the two final segments free. These were usually worn by workers, to protect their hands.

After closely examining the garments, which were very modern by the way, I turned to Flor, beaming.
“Do you like them?” She asked, leaning against the frame of the door and spinning her beret on one hand.
“I love them!” I said, standing up and hugging her. “I need to ask, why all the travel gear?” I inquired, already sitting on my bed and trying out the boots. They were so comfortable it seemed surreal.
“No idea, your mom just told me to get you something useful to travel.” She really didn’t know, I unconsciously took a peek on her head and found nothing. She punched me on the arm and scowled at me. “Don’t do that, I would never lie to you” She said, lowering her head.
“Sorry, I’m just too curious” I found the black backpack and the coat on the back of Liz’s chair. I showed the contents of the backpack to Flor, she squinted and examined them carefully, trying to figure out why they had given me this. Next was the coat, which she probed with her expert eye for fashion.
“Travelling, it’ll protect you from the sun and the cold. Plus it won’t suffocate you if it’s too hot.” She concluded, but then she caught eye of something else and she immersed herself into the coat, comparing different parts of it. I watched her curiously as she creased her brow and smiled, marvelled.
“Sheena, there’s stitching.” She exclaimed, ruffling in her pockets until she pulled out a small magnifying glass. She put it over seven different spots, but then she found more subtle ones and immersed herself again.
It turns out the coat had been stitched over more than a hundred times, there were small stitches that were barely noticeable, and some big ones, Flor deduced the previous owner of the garment had been attacked several times by different creatures. Don’t ask me, I have no idea how she came to that conclusion.
The hairs on the back of my head stood up, and a chill crept down my spine. I did not have a good feeling about any of this.

After examining the coat, Flor scolded me for wearing the clothes I found on the bathroom and pulled out a pink, long shirt and black pants.

The rest of the day was a blur of guests, gifts, cake, cards, greetings, “Happy Birthday’s”, small talk and more odd hints of the big secret my family was hiding from me.
Despite my repeated attempts to read my family’s mind when they appeared not to be shielding, they didn’t drop their defences throughout the day.
When night came, everybody from the village came to my house and we had a party, a bunch of friends played MUSIC while we danced and talked, I danced so much my legs hurt.

Flor left when dawn was breaking, between everything that had happened, I didn’t get the chance to tell her about the premonition of the hazelnut guy.
I dropped myself on the bed; my hair had absorbed the smell of pipe smoke and now all I could smell was that. I curled up under the blankets, not even bothering to take my stinky clothes off.
“Scoot over” Liz said, slipping inside my bed. I wiggled sideways to make space for her; I was so tired I drifted to sleep without making a single comment on anything, which would have been the case.

Sorry in advance, but my complimentary response is going to be a lot shorter than my critical one. That's just the way my mind works; it's easier for me to focus on the bad than the good. Don't take that as a strike against your story, though.

Anyway, let's start with the good. The story itself isn't too bad. Your descriptions are good, your characterization works well, and your attention to detail shows (I especially liked the "spinning her beret on one hand" line). You set up the rest of the (unwritten) story reasonably well, and I'm intrigued just enough to probably read the next scroll once you finish it.

However, there was one thing that distracted me throughout the passage: your comma use. It's just not good at all. Consider the line, "I’m going downstairs, just wait here for a sec, we’re almost done okay?" Those are three distinct thoughts, or, if you want to get technical, they're three pairs of subjects and verbs (with an implied subject of "you" in the second sentence). The easiest solution would be to break it up into three sentences. I'm a semicolon guy, though, so my edit would look more like, "I'm going downstairs. Just wait here for a sec; we're almost done, okay?" Another error of a different sort occurs in the line, "Elizabeth, my twenty-four year old sister was sitting on my bed." There should be a comma after the word "sister." The core sentence is "Elizabeth was sitting on my bed," so the inserted detail should be enclosed by commas (if that makes sense).

To help avoid this sort of thing, try reading your work out loud. Any time you come to a full stop, put a period there. Any time you would pause briefly, put a comma in instead. Don't feel bad about writing in short sentences, either. If you're not sure whether to use a comma or a period, go for the latter. You can join short sentences later.

Hopefully all this helps you out. It's really not a bad piece at all, and the fact that I focused so much on your grammar doesn't detract at all from the quality of the rest of the work. Fix those errors and keep writing!

Thanks for taking the time to read it! I'd rather you focus on the bad parts, I've had so many people read this and give no constructive feedback at all that I really just want to know how to make it better, if you read the next one feel free to be as harsh as you'd like.
I know my comma use is awful so thanks for taking the time to correct it. I totally get where you're coming from with that and for the next scroll I'll read it out loud first.
The next chapter gets better in my opinion since the story starts unwinding and I'm pretty proud of the story itself, not so much with the writing though.
Thanks again!

The "bad parts" are what you want, so I will offer my thoughts. Other than the serious need for basic editing for sentence structure and punctuation, one thing jumped out at me.

You gave it all away in the very first part. Much better to let her be born with purple eyes and be able to do some unusual things first, and LATER hint at the myth, little by little, perhaps. Then, when she turns 16, have her parents fill her in on the rest of the truth, or, better yet, her losg lost grandmother. So the parents did not even know, and it was granny who gave her the special outfit, not her mom and sister. Much better to let the readers wonder about her eyes and abilities for a while so they can formulate guesses and get INVOLVED with the tale. That's what makes it fun. Otherwise it reads like a documentary.

I was just about to post a reply a few minutes ago, when we had a power cut and I lost it all. How annoying!

Anyway, I agree with what Phyllis has just said about giving away too much in the beginning. Especially as it is from her point of view and she doesn't know the full story herself yet. I also think you need to make your opening much stronger, and you need some sort of hook to grab the reader's attention very early on, which I don't think you've got yet.

I found it to be a bit too long and 'waffly'. There was a lot said, but probably only about half of it really contributed to the progression of the story. You might want to go through line by line and make sure you're not spending too much time on things that don't really matter.

One part that bothered me a bit was when you described the boots:

it had absolutely no sewing, only a vertical one on the back of the boot, and they ended on a round tip. You put them on by simply slipping your feet into them, they fit perfectly.

'only a vertical one on the back' is a bad choice of words as it isn't very clear. Do you mean a seam on the back? If so, the term 'absolutely no sewing' would be wrong. Also, how does she know they fit perfectly when she hasn't tried them on? Do you mean that they perfectly fit anyone that wears them? If so you need to be clearer about this, too.

On the whole, though, I like the characters, and it sounds like there is a great adventure ahead for them. I look forward to seeing where the story goes.

I don't want to be too repetitive, but I agree with the fact that you gave away too much with the opening paragraph. Since the story is from Sheena's pov, I think the reader should learn about the prophecy as she does. By telling us all about it right away, you've taken away from the feeling of suspense and curiosity that Sheena is feeling throughout the first scroll. The main character has enough unique qualities that you can focus on (her eyes, reading minds, etch.) in order to make the reader want to continue.

Another reccomendation I have is that perhaps you should discuss the dream she had sooner in the scroll. For me, this would be a decent hook and pique my curiosity and would also lead right into her premonition abilities.

I do like the fact that you're very descriptive, but in some cases it needs clearing up (like the boot example that josh mentioned), and it gets a bit wordy. I definitley think you have a good story developing here and am interested to read more. The characters seem genuine and interesting (i especially liked the interaction between Sheena and Flor, and think you did a good job showing us their relationship). Good luck and I hope to see more.

Thanks guys!

I agree with the fact that I gave too much away. I guess I rushed through the idea in order to get readers to understand right away but I get now that that's not the idea.. To be honest the idea of her knowing the prophesy beforehand comes from the fact that this is actually a racconto, and when the story gets to when she's having this flashback, the story continues. I'll definitely clear that up.
About the boot description, I totally agree. I was going for something else when I wrote it since I had the boots in my head and just crappily got through the description. I see how this needs to be fixed though.
Iggy, thanks for the idea about the dream, I agree with you 100%. That way I can just delete the first two paragraphs, start with the dream and skip to the waking up.

Thank you all! This really helped. I'll apply all you've told me to the next scroll and have it up asap!