Thread: "Legacy of Dust and Stone" (Fantasy/Cyberpunk)

Please follow this link to get to the most recent version of chapter 1 and 2!

http://www.writingforums.com/fantasy...ml#post1484503

Also, here is a link to the downloadable ebook which I will keep updating as I edit/add chapters. There are no ads or links or anything else in it other than the story itself and it can be opened with any standard reader (I use mobipocket):

http://avadome.com/d/lodas.prc


EDIT HISTORY
#1: No longer dragging out the details about those news (thx to josh.townley)#2: Completely reworked all three chapters into 2 (see link above)
#3: removed old versions because lots of people just read them instead of the new, completely ignoring my really large hint on top

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It's an intriguing start. I found the style of writing to be quite interesting and it certainly made me want to find out more. My only criticism, though, is that I think you might be leaving out too much and trying to be a bit too mysterious. For example 'Tara could hardly believe her eyes when she watched the news that morning'. That's a good way to catch the reader's interest, but if you don't actually tell us what the news is before too long, it gets annoying. It felt like there was too much being withheld so I didn't really have a clear picture of what was going on.

Originally Posted by josh.townley

It's an intriguing start. I found the style of writing to be quite interesting and it certainly made me want to find out more. My only criticism, though, is that I think you might be leaving out too much and trying to be a bit too mysterious. For example 'Tara could hardly believe her eyes when she watched the news that morning'. That's a good way to catch the reader's interest, but if you don't actually tell us what the news is before too long, it gets annoying. It felt like there was too much being withheld so I didn't really have a clear picture of what was going on.

Thanks for reading and commenting
Good point on that section, I shall change it immediately ^^

So far I really like what you have. The start is interesting and makes me curious for more. You've done a good job establishing an environment and a certain feel to the story without having to force it. I honestly can't find much to critique at this point (I wish i could help more >.<) but am looking forward to seeing what's next.

Originally Posted by Iggy

So far I really like what you have. The start is interesting and makes me curious for more. You've done a good job establishing an environment and a certain feel to the story without having to force it. I honestly can't find much to critique at this point (I wish i could help more >.<) but am looking forward to seeing what's next.

Thanks, Iggy, I'm glad you liked it. I hope you will enjoy the next chapter as well.
Now to go and post that second chapter...

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I love how well write it is, and the style of writing really draws you in. Character design is quite nice, and the idea behind your story is very creative. Keep on writing!

Originally Posted by Nevermore

I love how well write it is, and the style of writing really draws you in. Character design is quite nice, and the idea behind your story is very creative. Keep on writing!

Thanks once more, I hope the next chapter will be to your liking as well

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Fascinating Story. I really enjoy the complexity and the detail you are putting behind your story. After reading the first chapter I had initial trouble understanding what was happening. Maybe it was a lack of detail, but I think it's because a lot of the terms go unexplained, like Meta for example. The following chapters where much better after an explanation was delivered, and that's when I became enthralled by the story. Clever, interesting, and unique. You're getting me to like some of your characters already, like Elza, truly awesome. Very interesting dialogue, Keep it up, will definitely read more.

Again, I love the scene set up for the latest chapter, how you show the characters and world. I'm intrigued as to how you plan to continue from here.

Hi there MadBen,

The idea behind this intrigues me. I love dystopian fiction. It's one of my favorite things to read. Here's my biggest complaint though: I don't know what's going on, and it's not the kind of confusion that makes me want to find out--it's the kind that makes me want to walk away.

What kind of confuses me here is that you start out with an intriguing hook. I don't fully understand it, but it makes me want to keep reading. Cool. Then you introduce a couple different scenarios, and other than Tara's POV, I'm not sure how the rest fit in. Then (and this is one of my biggest pet peeves) you have long, detailed info dumps. The info dumping is bad enough (because you're telling, not showing, and when you do that, you actually push your reader out of the story), but I would think, given the fact that you tell us a whole lot about what's going on, that I would know what's going on. I don't. (Bear in mind, I didn't read the third part. Maybe that explains it all, I don't know, but it's another info dump.)

Other than that, here's a couple technical things I found...

Raril considered finding one of the Primaries and request an explanation,

Requesting

“Most likely, yea.”

Yeah. (And you do that again a paragraph or two later.)

The wind was blowing gently from the east, slowly caressing Tara’s face.

“So you came,” she whispered without turning.

A light chuckle seemed to animate the wind which swirled slightly to form the image of something vaguely human.

“Our promises are binding as is your foolishness it seems.”

“I wish to learn more,” she murmured softly.

“You humans always want to learn more. How pitiful that you do not simply know the world for what it is as we do. Maybe then you would have more respect for it.”

A thought on adverbs here. You use a lot of them. My question is how many of them do you really need? Why have the wind 'gently blowing' when it could be 'fluttering'? Fluttering creates a much better picture, since adverbs are a form of telling, not showing.

Or, 'slowly caressing,' for example, is a case of redundancy. Have you ever caressed someone quickly? Not so much, since a quick caress tends to equate to a rub or a brush.

'Murmuring softly' is also redundant. I challenge you to give me an example of loud murmuring done by a single person.

And throughout your prose, I don't see a single simile or metaphor. These should be used sparingly as well, but a good, solid metaphor is worth a thousand adverbs. Plus it gives you a chance to show off your creative writing skills (but that's why you shouldn't do it too often).

Last but not least, since you're writing dystopian fiction, I simply have to recommend an excellent book in this genre, which balances a lot of the things you're struggling with in this (i.e., showing not telling, while still revealing your backstory and establishing the setting, smooth, concise prose, similes and metaphor, and solid description). It's called Oryx and Crake by Margaret Atwood.

And just so you know, I'm being a harsh critique not because I think this story is a failure, but because I think it has the potential to be a lot better. I like the idea, just not the execution. Keep writing.

I wasn't sure at first, but having read the subsequent sections I have to admit that I'm fascinated. One thing I look out for when weighing up a story or film plot is whether the world created is consistent with itself; does it amount to a complete and convincing creation? I think this certainly does. The level of detail and the complexity of the social/historical mechanics you've built in are wonderful to explore.

I should also add that I personally felt that the narrated sections, where you fill in on the history and run up to your present setting, were not a problem at all. I know it's down to individual taste, but I thought they were a neat, effective and well written way of saying a lot in a short space. I think it worked due to your setting; I can imagine them being narration from a news story or a textbook, and as it's right at the start of the book, that's fine by me.

If I have one criticism it's that the writing occasionally (though mostly in the first section) becomes a little hard to follow and jumps around, but that's something that a fairly basic reworking would sort out. I'm intrigued to find out what happens next and have no trouble imagining this world appearing in print at some point.

Thanks to all of you for your feedback, especially Tiamat10. I am glad that the idea itself seems to be sound and working as intended. I will have to work on a more continuous flow for sure, considering that pretty much everybody was concerned with "jumping back and forth" and I will try to get my hands on that book you mentioned, Tiamat. Now I am considering to actually "go back in time" and create a decent prolog instead of throwing out pieces of narration every chapter or two. There is nothing more fun than trying to raise one's level with the help of good (and thereby somewhat brutal) criticism

very interesting, the style is perfect for what story you have going here. The charaters are beliveable and interesting. I only read the first part so far but i shall read the other 2 parts you have later for sure. Kepp it up.