Thread: Pony's new fella

REWRITE IN PROGRESS
Thanks for feedback folks
DEAD THREAD

Funny. You carried me through to the end. A couple of spelling problems - minors should be miners and wierd is actually spelled weird. But I enjoyed it.

Take care,

JohnB

Thank you very much for your input JohnB. I appreciate it.

I thought this was very witty,well paced and readable. The only thing that put me off slightly was the title, in fact.

Fun read! Reminds me a little of Barbarella.

Originally Posted by jim rose

Pony's New Fella



Thressa was not just bleak, it was a dead world with only squirms too small to see and translucent angelias shimmering above the sterile gray earth. The sort of place that very dull people might find serene. Pony Allison deplored it. She found serenity as boring as old secrets and she was most definitely not a dull person. But two years had passed without obesity, insanity, or suicide, so she supposed she might make it two more to finish out her tour.

The thing was: she missed actual human sex.

She had been hoodwinked into going to Thressa. Well, winked anyway. That recruiter back on Mars winked one of his bloodshot green eyes and switched on a half-sultry voice when his tale of horny starship crews rolled through those crusty purpled lips. "Oh, you'll get laid," he had declared lasciviously. "You'll get laid so much you won't ever want to come back."

I stopped reading after the first few errors.

The first sentence, while not technically a run-on, is awkward. It is full of terms and and descriptions apparently chosen to be obtuse. Not the least of these is distracting descriptions is the very first word. "Thressa" is too much like "Theresa", and makes the reader unnecessarily shift from thinking about a person to a place.

The second sentence is a fragment.

The second, one sentence paragraph: "She" is supposed to be capitalized, as it follows a colon.

The second sentence in the third paragraph is also a fragment.

I stopped there, not wanting to finish. Good luck with that.

Winston:

Originally Posted by Winston

The first sentence, while not technically a run-on, is awkward. It is full of terms and and descriptions apparently chosen to be obtuse. Not the least of these is distracting descriptions is the very first word. "Thressa" is too much like "Theresa", and makes the reader unnecessarily shift from thinking about a person to a place.

The second sentence is a fragment.

The second, one sentence paragraph: "She" is supposed to be capitalized, as it follows a colon.

The second sentence in the third paragraph is also a fragment.

I stopped there, not wanting to finish. Good luck with that.

The first sentence is not awkward; the terms and descriptions were not chosen to be (you used the term obtuse which means stupid and makes no sense, so I assume you meant obsure, which means unclear) obscure, nor are they obscure; the terms and definitions are adroitly revealed in the context, including the name Thressa.

I don't THINK the 2nd sentence is a fragment, but I very well could be wrong; nonetheless if it is a fragment it is a meaningless observation since it fits, works well, and is perfectly understandable.

Words immediately following colons are not capitalized, this is an incorrect observation.

The second sentence in the third paragraph is a fragment, but it fits, works well, and is perfectly understandable; this is a meaningless observation.