Thread: The Phoenix Universe - Crimson Eyes

This is the fifth short story in the Phoenix Universe that I've written. It takes place around five years before the beginning of The Phoenix Project.

“Scan Mister Eaves,” Geoff heard as a distant command in his reverie. He came back to reality on the bridge of the Amazon. Captain Anders looked directly at him and many other crewmembers abandoned their work at their appointed stations to watch.

“What?” Geoff Eaves asked in bewilderment. A large collection of smirks appeared across the bridge.

“What are the scan results for the fifth planet?” the Captain demanded again in a frustrated tone.

“Oh!” he exclaimed and checked the results on one of the embedded silver displays at his station. He typed in a few commands and brought up the results. “No life signs, no plant life, and no structures of alien origin.”

“Thank-you, Mister Eaves,” the Captain stated. “Helm, take us to the next planet for survey.”

The rest of the bridge crew returned to their work now that the show was over. The helmsman laid in a course and the small vessel glided on delicate grey wings towards the next planet to be surveyed.

“Mister Eaves, a word with you,” the Captain said.

The thin and tall Geoffrey Eaves stood up from his station and gathered his blond dreadlocks behind his back before he approached the center chair.

“Do you think this is a joke? What did you sign on for?” the Captain asked.

“Come on, sir. All we’re doing is looking for extraterrestrial intelligent life. Have we ever found any?” he asked and lit a tobaccoette cigarette.

“Not on the bridge Mister Eaves,” the Captain said. He took the tobaccoette from his mouth and put it out beneath his boot on the floor. “And no. But you never know.”

“Everyone knows that volunteering for these search missions is an easy five years of cataloguing giant rocks. It’s easy pay for easy work. Why don’t you just relax, Sir?”

“That’s all it is to you. Do you know have any idea how big an event first contact would be?” the Captain asked.

“Alright Captain, my Captain, I get it.”

“Pay attention and try not to get smashed tonight,” the Captain ordered.

“No promises,” Geoff said as he returned to his post.

“I revoked your bar tab at Jungles last night. Don’t bother,” the Captain said.

“Shit!” Geoff exclaimed under his breath as he sat down. “We’ve arrived at the fourth planet,” the helmsman reported from his curved console near the front of the bridge.

“Mister Eaves, begin your scans.”

Geoff complied with the order in his own time and reported after a minute of computations.

“No life signs. No plant life. Wait,” Geoff said and examined the results scrolling across the screen. “There’s a structure! Not of human origin either!”

“You’re sure?” the Captain inquired.

“Yeah, yeah! It’s alien, definitely alien!”

“Tell the launch to get a shuttle ready,” the man in his early sixties said. “Commander Reynolds will take a team of eight to investigate. Mister Eaves,”

“Yes?”
“You’re going with them.”

“Captain, my Captain?” Geoff asked with a scrunched brow.

“It’s time for you to see what we’re out here for. One day you’ll thank me when you’re part of history.”

“I’d rather be part of Happy Hour,” Geoff said under his breath.

“What was that?”

“Nothing. Glad to help sir,” Geoff replied and got up from his seat.

“It’s minus twenty degrees Celsius down there. Dress appropriately, Mister Eaves.”

“Yes Sir,” Geoff replied in dismay. He exited the bridge for the shuttle bay with a stop at the supply department on the way. In ten minutes he appeared in the two storey hangar dressed in a heavy arctic coat and pants for the mission.

Seven similarly dressed people greeted him there. One particularly tall man with Commander’s rank insignia on each arm of his white winter coat stepped forward to greet him.

“Commander Ben Reynolds,” the man said. He was already wearing transparent goggles and a thick scarf to combat the coming cold, keeping Geoff from discerning much in the way of features. “I understand you’ve been assigned to my team. What is your field of expertise?”

“Scans I guess,” Geoff replied.

“Well that should come in handy,” Reynolds responded and turned to the group. “All aboard.”

They boarded a large grey shuttle some ten meters long that would carry them and all the supplies and equipment they would need to the surface. The shuttle left the bay and flew towards a planet that was the color of ice.

“It does have air doesn’t it?” Geoff asked Commander Reynolds in the pilot seat as the round world appeared in the cockpit’s large window.

“Yes, it’s cold but there’s air and the gravity is about point nine Gs if you’re wondering,” Ben Reynolds replied over his shoulder. The planet grew in size out the forward window.

“And I was going to go on a diet.”

The planet became clouds as they flew to the surface and then became a plateau of ice surrounded by cliffs on three sides with a sharp drop at the north end. The shuttle crew’s attention immediately focused in interest on the south cliff where a two storey structure made of silver alloy and glass marred its otherwise rocky surface.

“The inside of the structure reads at the same temperature as outside,” Reynolds said. “Minus twenty Celsius. Geoff, you’ll come with me to set up a base of operations in there.”

“Me sir?”

“You said you’re good at scanning.”

“I wouldn’t say,” he began.

“You’re the best we have. The others here are biologists, archeologists, and chemists. You’re on my detail. Bring a heating unit and a backpack,” Reynolds commanded.

“Yes, sir.”

The two disembarked from the shuttle once it landed to the body shock of numbing cold only worsened by a thin powder of snow blown by harsh winds across the plateau. They made their way as quickly as possible over the ice and found the dead air within the alien building more agreeable than the bone freezing winds outside.

Geoff and Ben activated the flashlights they carried with them having expected no illumination inside. What they saw in the limited light appeared to be some sort of lobby. Geoff could just make out a small fountain in the room.

“Light cube,” Ben ordered. Geoff produced a small cube from his backpack that was the size of a cue chalk and found a ledge to place it on that would light the room. With a few taps the cube became almost too bright to look at. Geoff removed his backpack and placed it in front of the light to act as a lampshade.

The room now revealed itself. Years of disuse and cold had created a thin layer of permafrost over everything and the grand fountain that once had bubbled with water was now cracked from the expansion of the ice that had frozen inside of it.

“No one’s been here in a while,” Geoff said.

“Quite a long while,” Ben commented. He tapped the ice frozen in a long stream from one of the spouts at the top of the concrete fountain. “Set up the heating unit. This room is our base of operations. We should get started right away.”

Geoff obliged and put the large coil shaped heater in one corner away from the fountain in order to prevent it from melting too quickly. He pressed a button on the top of the coil and in seconds he could feel the heat reaching out from its surface. Ben took off his scarf and goggles to reveal thin light brown hair and eyes.

To their mutual surprise, they heard movement from a room directly behind the main lobby. It was as black as night but they could discern the
sound of a delicate glass vase falling onto its side. They heard its wobble across a surface and then a fall to the floor accompanied by the smash of its delicate shell.

The two sprinted to the dark room with flashlights in hand. Two small spotlights searched the confines of the dark room. It was Ben’s flashlight that found the remnants of what had been a narrow and tall vase of clear glass on the floor. There was a long table next to the wall with a row of identical vases on it.

“How did that happen?” Geoff asked.

“The change in temperature or a crack in the glass. Who knows?” Ben said and turned back to the large lobby. He took out a collapsible desk from the backpack and unfolded it. Soon a four foot high black desk with an embedded monitor stood next to the fountain. Ben turned it on and began to type in commands.

“I think we’re ready. Go and get the rest of the team and tell them to come in.”

Geoff nodded obediently and left the building.

It was only seconds later that Ben heard the familiar sound of a glass vase fall onto its side and roll across a desk in the next room. A moment later he could hear it shatter on the floor. He grabbed his flashlight and returned to the room.

The same vase was broken across the tile but no others had joined it. Ben dismissed the event and returned to the electronic desk.

Again he heard the familiar sound of breaking and again returned to the room and found that there was nothing that had changed. Ben huffed a frustrated sigh and returned to readying the mission parameters.

His skin prickled at the sound of a vase rolling across a desk in the room behind him. Ben shook his head and concentrated on the mission parameters as he heard the crash of fractured glass.

Ben ignored the sound as it played a fifth time in the background. It was if something was teasing him. He chose to ignore it and continued to
examine the goals set for his team.

Then he heard what he could only describe as a crackle of energy followed by the sound of concrete collapsing. The sound was loud, nearly deafening, and came from behind him in the same room. It sounded like the entire space had caved in.

Ben grabbed his flashlight and ran for the doorway only to find that the room was identical in every way to the last time he had seen it. He searched the room a second time with the small spotlight from his torch only to find that nothing had changed. As the flashlight’s beam crossed the far corner, Ben discerned a pair of blood red eyes staring at him.

He whipped the flashlight’s beam back to where the glowing eyes were only to find that the corner was empty. Nothing was there.

Good story and structure, it reads well and I want more. The grammar is a little amateurish at times, but nothing that can't be easily fixed through new drafts. One drawback is that to make this a new episode of Star Trek, all you need to do is put a picture of the Enterprise on the cover. It could use something that sets it apart, something that tells me why this world is unique or why the characters or situation they are in is unique from anything else I've read (the light cube,heat coil and portable desk did that well but a little late I thought) maybe it's fine just as it is, as long as you keep coming up with things that make this world unique. I just didn't like thinking "Star Trek" through most of it, however, I liked how this ended. I want to read more and find out what is really going on in the dark room. Story and structure are great, just needs a little work on grammar and sentence structure and something that really sets it apart. A story this familiar will have to be extremely good and well written to keep my attention, so far it does.

Originally Posted by Runemancer

Good story and structure, it reads well and I want more. The grammar is a little amateurish at times, but nothing that can't be easily fixed through new drafts. One drawback is that to make this a new episode of Star Trek, all you need to do is put a picture of the Enterprise on the cover. It could use something that sets it apart, something that tells me why this world is unique or why the characters or situation they are in is unique from anything else I've read (the light cube,heat coil and portable desk did that well but a little late I thought) maybe it's fine just as it is, as long as you keep coming up with things that make this world unique. I just didn't like thinking "Star Trek" through most of it, however, I liked how this ended. I want to read more and find out what is really going on in the dark room. Story and structure are great, just needs a little work on grammar and sentence structure and something that really sets it apart. A story this familiar will have to be extremely good and well written to keep my attention, so far it does.

Well, first of all, thank-you for saying you'd want to read more! That's the most important thing for me to hear with any of my stories. I wrote this short story nearly three years ago and haven't gone in with a good grammar pen yet. I will make sure to do that. Of all the critiques I've read of my novels and short stories, you're the first one who compared it to Star Trek! I think I had someone compare my first novel to Star Wars, but that was as close as I ever had to a Star Trek comparison! I think the point is that, although it wasn't immediate, you did see things that separate it from that franchise. If there's a starship and the characters are even vaguely military, there is a tendency for people to think of other established Sci-Fi franchises. I think if you read more, you would definitely see the differences. I decided not to put them in right away, because this is meant to be supplementary material to the novels. This story will one day be part of collection of short stories in the first volume of The Phoenix Universe. As a result, I'm making the assumption that anyone picking up the short story collection will be doing so because they are already familiar with the Phoenix Chronicles. I hope that helps to clarify my choices in presentation, and Thank-you for your insights, Runemancer. I always appreciate an objective eye.

If your goal is for as many people to read your stories as possible you have to follow some rules of readability. Keep in mind that they are going to compare it to what seems familiar so it needs to show its unique quality before readers dismiss it and that a sequel should be able to stand alone. Assuming that everyone has read its predecessor isn't always good. I genuinely like it though, I'm just a tough critic because critiquing relentlessly helps me find flaws in my own writing just as well as when my own stories are harshly critiqued. I really hope you post more.

Runemancer, I think there may have been a misunderstanding here. Let me attempt to clarify: I'm writing a series of seven novels entitled "The Phoenix Chronicles." This is my primary project and what people will be reading first, without question. Once the first two novels have been published, I will likely publish a first volume of short stories based in the Phoenix Universe. This is to be one of those short stories. As a result, this short story will be considered supplementary material that isn't crucial to the series of novels, but will provide some background to fans that want to have it. My intention is for these volumes of short stories to be an optional part of the universe. If people want to pick them up and read them, great, but these volumes of short stories aren't intended to be the "big seller", but more of an afterthought. As a result, they are intended to be read once fans have already read a novel or two and have foreknowledge of the universe. They aren't meant to be standalone.

And don't worry about being a tough critic, my writing partner and I have had a few screaming matches over what would be considered minor details of stories!!! I never take anything personally from him, so don't concern yourself over something like this!

Thanks,

Kris

In my opinion:
The plot is compelling, there are a lot of commas missing, the dialogue tags seem contrived for the most part, the characterization is good, the action is mundane in the 1st half and excellently written in the 2nd half. Also, this particular sentence: {The two disembarked from the shuttle once it landed to the body shock of numbing cold only worsened by a thin powder of snow blown by harsh winds across the plateau} I have read 6 times and I am convinced there are problems with it.

Thanks

It is a very straightforward read, but because of that is not capturing any atmosphere. You have some good characters and the first ship board section is interesting and clever use of dialog gives us an insight into them. Well done. The building sequence just didn't engage me at all. I believe that was because it is just describing events. I guess you are thinking in images, like a film, too much. Writing allows access to all sorts of things vision alone doesn't and good prose will make the most of that. Definite potential and congratulations on the clarity.

jim rose: Thank-you for the comments. I'm glad that you feel the plot is compelling. I will resolve the issues with punctuation and the dialogue tags through the editing process. I know what you mean by that sentence, I'll probably split it up into two sentences.

tunnel: Thank-you for your comments regarding clarity and dialogue. As to "thinking in images", that is how I choose to tell my novels and short stories. I think of it as part of my style and it doesn't always suit everyone. How I choose to write a story and how you choose to write a story are very much a matter of individual approaches. I hope you can respect that our styles will have to differ here!

Thank-you for your comments. I really appreciate them.

Kris Powers