Thread: Ch. 1 or a Prologue?: A Dream Of White

Hello, Im going to just post the first half of what I have. Let me know if you want more. Enjoy...

Part 1: A Dream Of White

A boy around the age of twelve stood in an empty room filled with brilliant white light.

If one tried to guess how large the room really was, they could not tell. It could be infinitely large or just a small room, thus leaving the mind free to wander off to infinite possibilities.The boy wandered aimlessly around the room with only the sound of his feet echoing around him as he continued forward. He had not walked to far when he stumbled upon a vacant pair of chairs. They were the same brilliant white everything else seemed to appear to be.


“But is this a dream?" he thought to himself as he stared at the chair across from him.

Unfortunately, the boy did not have much time to contemplate this. It seemed that he was not alone in this strange place. In the distance the sound of footsteps echoed toward him. A girl came into view, with the appearance of being close to the same age as the boy, she wore a short white dress, showing just the bottom half of her legs. Her hair, an almost silver color, fell just behind her, a little past shoulder length. Her brilliantly shaded green eyes stuck out against the white background.

The girl smiled gently at the boy and sat in the chair adjacent to him.

“I`m glad to see you are well, and progressing at that.” She spoke coolly and sweetly to him as she closed her eyes and gave a small smirk only to reopen them abruptly.

She stared across the room at the boy and finally gave a half smile after a few moments had passed.

“Well? someone such as yourself… should not stare.” She grinned once more and continued with

“You know, it is not very polite…” Finally, after looking away, breaking his glare at the girl he spoke what was on his mind.

“Do I know you? Where am I? What is this place?” All of his questions seem to flow out of him all at once, preventing the girl from answering just one at a time.

She signed and turned her attention elsewhere, flicking her hair to the side as she did so.

“I half expected you to ask so much, so quickly. Just filled with questions as usual…” She answered, reluctant to answer any of his questions that he had previous asked.

[end]


I realize this could very well be riddled with errors... If you feel the need to point all of them out for me please do so! I encourage constructive criticism!

It's very well done. The suspense and confusion that gives it a mysterious feel. You need to put a few more quotation marks in places like:

Originally Posted by ModernDayMozart

“But is this a dream?" he thought to himself as he stared at the chair across from him.

Otherwise, it's good. I am interested to see where the story is going.

I'm wondering what the scene sounds like. Is there total silence? Does the total absence of sound scare the boy? Do the girl's footsteps have an echo?

Does the scene smell like 'nothing'? Is there a whiff of anything that can give the boy a hint of where he is?

Although saying "a boy no older than twelve" sounds good it is a bit vague and some readers could picture the character as 3 or 7 etc. Instead maybe you could try "a boy around the age of twelve"
The second part of this seems a bit wordy "A girl came into view, with the appearance of being close to the same age as the boy" Consider changing it to "A girl came into view, their ages couldn't of been that far apart."
“I`m glad to see you are well, and progressing at that.” is she a wise old woman in a girls body? She sounds smart.
Consider changing to Third person omniscient, i'd like to get more inside the boys head while he is talking to the girl.
What does the Girl look like? Hair, skin color, eyes, teeth? You don't have to describe all these but a couple defining points of appearance would be nice.
"“I half expected you to ask so much, so quickly. Just filled with questions as usual…” She answered, reluctant to answer any of his questions that he had previous asked." Don't make her sound that unsure get rid of "half" and find another word for "answered" having the same word in the same sentence sounds bad.
Also a name for the boy would be nice, unless you're trying to give him a sense of anonymity.
On the bright side you could go so many ways with this story and it didn't bore me. Good Job.

I feel the frustration of the boy at the end; so many questions unanswered. Good job at keeping the mystery of this strange white room. I am very interested in how he did in fact get to this place or his internal struggle to determine where he was before.

I would suggest one thing that Reynolds29 pointed out:

"She answered, reluctant to answer any of his questions that he had previous asked." : Responded might be a better word to use in place of answered.

Also, part of me wants him to struggle to answer his questions; I want to see him try to remember where he was before. It would be internal conflict that would tell more about him. Could be started briefly at the beginning or you may put it in later. Interested in seeing where this goes.

"Her hair, an almost silver color, fell just behind her, a little past shoulder length." - "Almost" implies something is between two states. Her hair is between silver and what other color descriptor. Find a way to make that detail a definite, maybe that it is silver and shiny to the point where it reflect the room around her.

Kudos: "She spoke coolly and sweetly to him as she closed her eyes and gave a small smirk only to reopen them abruptly." I find this creepy in a subtle way. It makes me wonder about her true intentions.

I would like to see the rest of it and is the title to your thread asking for input on whether it should be a prologue or a chapter starter or is that just a indicator that you haven't decided just yet?<br>

i enjoyed this concept, but i did not like the uncertainty of the first line: it seems somehow out of place with the idea. Cut the opening line off and re-write a sentence or two and it would be a great opener. perhaps you could even internalize it into the boys inner discussion in some way? He asks himself is it a dream - the uncertainty could perhaps be rolled into that line of conflict?

like to see what happens next

regards

Hello!

I thank all of you you commented and gave me really good advice! You all bring up good questions so to answer a few of them I will give you the rest of What I have wrote thus far. Enjoy! Also, Is it easier to read when I space it out or should I just leave it in paragraph form?


Part 1: Continued

All of his questions seem to flow out of him all at once, preventing the girl from answering just one at a time. She sighed and turned her attention elsewhere, flicking her hair to the side as she did so.

“I expected you to ask so much so quickly. Just filled with questions as usual…” She answered, reluctant to give insight on any of his questions that he had asked.


“However, as for the answer of where you are… Should you not already know this answer? Have you become numb to your own senses? Mind clouded with doubt and misguidance? … Ah but perhaps I speak to soon...” She continued to stare at a point that appeared to the boy as nothing more than pure light. She folded her arms and crossed her legs as she looked back at him. The glare she gave him felt piercing and intimidating to the boy and he quickly looked away.

“Do you not see, that in due time you will have these answers? You will soon realize something of great importance that will change the course of your life forever.”


“And what will that be?” He pressed her still trying to get the answers he looked for out of her.

She closed her eyes and shook her head at him clearly meaning that she was not, and perhaps could not tell him what he desired to know.

“Oh the knowledge left to obtain. Yet still, you will be faced with questions and decisions that you may never fully understand yourself.” She glared once more revealing her brilliant bright green eyes.

Smiling, she continued on after inhaling a long breath of air.

“Know this, you can choose to believe this room is infinitely large or that in fact it is not. You can sit there and the room will change as you see fit. However, you can prove how far it will go physically. That challenge can be overlooked as worthless, insignificant, or pointless. Thus leaving you with a theory of how vast it really is, making the room an infinite number of things.” She explained to him. However, with each passing word he looked more dumbfounded.

“I see…” The girl replied obviously to the look that appeared on his face.

“…I don’t get it.” The boy replied as he reached up and scratched his scalp in a stereotypical confused way.

Determined to get her point a crossed to him she tried explaining it in ways that perhaps the boy would understand. “If one believes they cannot walk in their mind they will not attempt to walk. Therefore they simply will not walk because they do not trust that they can.” She hoped that finally the boy would understand.


“Oh I get it… If I believe I can do something I can do it. But why are you telling me this?”The boy stared deep into her eyes as he smirked finally able to understand where she was coming from.

The girl seemed to light up with joy. “Precisely! You will know in due time. I promise you that.” She said to him still smiling the widest possible, but not intentionally.

“Where are my manors? My name is Arrafina.” She said this with a dash of cheerfulness in her. The words sprang to life as she spoke them.

“Arrafina…” The boy said out loud, with an expression of being slightly dazed. "Well, I`m uh.. Tidus." he blurted out, as he tried to cover up that he liked the sound of the girls name.

“What happens next?” Tidus asked her with a change of expression now to a look of wonder.

“I have told you enough for tonight.” She stood, smiled one last time, and walked away into the light. Tidus watched her disappear with amazement. He listen to the dull quiet echoing footsteps that faded away just as she had done. Once he felt alone he whispered out loud.

“She only answered one of my questions… this is all just strange.” He frowned and headed off in the opposite direction not really knowing where he was going or how he could leave…

[end]

This time I had a bit of time so I tried to correct all of my errors. Im sure I didnt catch all of them so bare with me! This is after all my VERY first rough draft.

Part 2: The Palace Of Tranquility, Land of The Divinity


A woman Stood Silent in a room as pure white as a sheet. Just like the room Tidus seemed to hopelessly explore, but the only noticeable difference was a balcony with a grand view. Different colored stars shined in the dark distance along with several vast nebulae`s that seem to shimmer amongst the background. The pure white balcony seemed almost unnatural compared to the view. As for the woman, she wore a white dress like Arrafina. Yet she was clearly much older.

Off in the distance footsteps once again resonated throughout the room and towards the balcony. Arrafina appeared from the bright white background, barely noticeable due to her pale skin and flowing white dress. She causally approached the other woman and stopped just behind her. The woman did not turn or acknowledge any change but continued to stare off into the view before her.

“So? What is your report Arrafina?” The woman asked still not breaking her stance or stare of the nebulae`s before her.

“He is only a child…” Arrafina responded looking wearily at her company.

“Yes, That bit I have gathered. So are you my dear Arrafina, If I am not mistaken.” Finally the woman tore herself from the balconies view and gave Arrafina a small smirk.


“Are you sure it must be him that must go through this my lady.” Arrafina had asked with a clearly noticeable questioning look.

“Are you doubting my abilities Arrafina?” The lady questioned in a raised tone. She slightly raised her eyebrow and stared at Arrafina.

“Do you question my senses? You know all too well, why this must be done! Understand that you cannot allow this doubt to fill you with misunderstanding.” The lady proclaimed as she turned back to the starry backdrop.

“I… Understand…I…” Arrafina spoke quietly, but was quickly interrupted by the woman.

“Have I not taught you doubt can lead to fear and uncertainty? More Importantly, it will cause you to mistrust your senses.”

Arrafina lowered her head and nodded in understanding. She continued to stare at her feet as she brushed her hair behind her ear.

“He is that of a strong heart… I can sense courage and he has a good soul.. It is very likely I can mold him for what he is destined to become.” She said this almost without life in the words she spoke as she continued to stare at the pure white floor beneath her tiny feet.

“Yes, that sounds promising.” The lady announced to Arrafina whiling wearing a half smirk on her pale white face.

“Hear me out Arrafina… Continue to fill yourself with doubt and I will be forced to reassign you.” The lady had now turned to Arrafina and took her hand and gently lifted Arrafina`s face so that they were starring eye to eye.

She remained in this position as she continued.

“I’m sure someone else would be most joyous of the opportunity as I am giving you… You must prove to me, as well as the counsel, that tasks such as these come natural and that you are finally worthy.” As she finished explaining this she removed her hand from underneath Arrafina`s chin and now Arrafina accompanied her in starring off into the spacey landscape before them.

“I will not let you down my lady.” Arrafina announced confidently.

“Very well. As for your doubt… It must be done. The balance must remain intact. I am sure of it that you can feel what is to come.” They exchanged a moment of glares at each other.

“I can feel it a little… yes..” Arrafina responded breaking the silence between them.

“For what is darkness without light? Only darkness causes fear, panic, and confusion. Only light ultimately leads to the creation of darkness. One cannot exist without the other. You know this as well as I do. For it has been taught to you and you stand before me with this knowledge.” The lady gently ran her fingers through Arrafina`s hair as Arrafina closed her eyes. The woman had the look and attitude that she was caring for her daughter when she looked down at Arrafina.

“Now go and rest… you will soon need your strength.” Arrafina gave a small bow and airily said

“Thank you, Rana, My lady.” She turned to walk into the white background once more disappearing into the brightness. Rana Smiled and turned to look at the stars once more.


[End]

its now 2:37am here... I think I need sleep. If you want I will go over the basics of what the story is generally about. If you have any questions just let me know. I think I will provide a more details about the world of Tidus and Arrafina. For now I just dont know where I want to go with the story.

SJMetts The title is I havent really decided what I want to do with it yet. It could be interrupted as a very very short story as well. Thank you for you detailed input I really am thankful!

-MDM

Originally Posted by patskywriter

I'm wondering what the scene sounds like. Is there total silence? Does the total absence of sound scare the boy? Do the girl's footsteps have an echo?

Does the scene smell like 'nothing'? Is there a whiff of anything that can give the boy a hint of where he is?

You raise a VERY good point actually I never really thought of it in terms of it like that. I think as the story continues on I will keep this in mind. Thank you for your comment!

While I haven't read everything you've posted so far, by now I've read the majority. My only advice would be less use of 'whiles' and such: find ways to make it flow.
For example:

“Yes, that sounds promising.” The lady announced to Arrafina whiling wearing a half smirk on her pale white face.

I'd personally change it to:
The lady half-smirked. "Yes, that sounds promising," she announced to Arrafina
or
"Yes, that sounds promising," the lady announced to Arrafina, a half-smirk playing around her mouth.

Or something like that. You could also combine some of your sentences. Such as:

Her hair, an almost silver color, fell just behind her, a little past shoulder length. Her brilliantly shaded green eyes stuck out against the white background.

I, personally, would change to:

Her pale face, dominated by brilliant green eyes, was framed by almost-silver, shoulder length hair.

A bit shorter, may not be what you're going for (we each have our own style), but it gets this point across and leaves a bit more room. I'd finish my above with something like:

The contrast between her eyes and the glaring white of the room was startling.

Or whatever. I could give other examples, but we all need to learn our own way and who knows? You may just conclude I'm a crackpot, and then what's the finger-strain for? XD lol, I joke.
But very intriguing so far, you have a brilliant mind for mystery. Looking forward to more!

Hmm i am not overly a fan of the writing style, but that is just me. For me that style doesn't give me enough to visualize the world/charaters/story etc. Not to say that others won't get into it, just for me the style was/is to plain. Other then that it makes for a decent prologue, though there could be abit more to it to help draw people in more, it seems pretty vague and you got to hope that the first thing people read you want ti to catch their attention right away. Keep it up!

Hi, MordernDayMozart

I feel drawn into this world of endless possibilities constrained only by the limits of imagination. The concept is good but somewhat vague as to where this might be taking me. As a reader if this is to succeed, pretty soon I’m going to a need some direction, or an expatiation as to why this is happening.
The girl is being tested and the boy an instrument to what I don’t know.

As you admit early days so the spelling, grammar, punctuation, phrasing can all be dealt with under subsequent re-edits.

QDOS

I really love the way you did description, especially the set up in the first chapter. It gives the reader a lot of room to think or imagine the setting you've described without going too far into unnecessary details.

There are many, many things that could be improved upon, but I'd say the biggest ones are: show, don't tell, and use stronger verbs.

A few examples: '“…I don’t get it.” The boy replied as he reached up and scratched his scalp in a stereotypical confused way."

Eliminate the bold part. The boy is saying he doesn't get it and scratching his head. It is strongly shown that he is confused and doesn't need to be stated. "A stereotypical confused way" is a subjective and somewhat boring description. I encourage you to go through your entire story and remove unnecessary language, such as this.

"Arrafina lowered her head and nodded in understanding" Again, you're showing that she understands by letting us "see"her nod her head. Don't tell us that she understands. Show, don't tell.


Secondly, I would go through and look for every adverb, and when applicable, remove it and use a stronger verb. Brilliantly, finally, suddenly, gently, hopelessly, wearily, etc. Most of them can be removed for a tighter, stronger story with better language.

"...but was quickly interrupted by the woman." It is already implied that when you interrupt someone it is happening quickly or suddenly. This is an instance where you can just remove the adverb and your story will be instantly improved. I would even remove "by the woman."

And lastly, I'd say that I was a bit distracted by the use of certain words and phrases: "Finally," "appeared to," "seemed to," "seemed to appear," etc. It's just really vague and wordy. It's usually not necessary to tell us what something seems to be. Just tell us what it is or what it looks like. It is already implied that we are looking through your character's eyes and seeing or experiencing something from his vantage. Instead of saying something like "It seemed that he was not alone in this strange place," just write that he was not alone.