Thread: Story introduction...

I have just started writing a short story. I have only recently started writing stories and am unsure about my style and would really appreciate some advice and input. :0) I feel my writing is very simplistic but that's the stlye I am going for but am unsure if it works.

Anyway, this is my beginning...


(I'm sorry I can't seem to shrink the font.)


Fay stood in front of the large black door. She pushed down the silver handle and pulled the door towards her. She stepped into an enormous rectangular windowless room looking up at the high ceiling. The room was empty. Empty except for one thing. Fay stared at the red cylinder shaped object in the middle of the room. She heard a quiet thud behind her and knew the door had closed. Without looking back, Fay began to walk slowly towards the object. Once she arrived she could see that it was a large red button fixed to the floor in the centre of the room. Fay knew what she had to do. Without hesitation she sat down in front of the button and crossed her legs. Her index finger pressed down until she heard a click. The button sprung back up and the room went black. Blacker than black. A shudder of fear shot through her. She quickly pressed the button again. The button sprung back up but the room remained dark. With an urgency she pressed it again and again and again. Still darkness. Fay stood and turned and ran in the direction of the door with outstretched arms. Her hands collided with the wall. She frantically pawed it. Was there a handle? She remembered opening it with a handle from the outside. Her heart felt as though it might pound right out of her chest. She stopped. And breathed. Then she felt hot air rush into her ear followed by the words ‘hello Fay.’ She screamed. And shot up in bed.

Oh dear it looked huge before i posted it. Ok i'll try that again...


Fay stood in front of the large black door. She pushed down the silver handle and pulled the door towards her. She stepped into an enormous rectangular windowless room looking up at the high ceiling. The room was empty. Empty except for one thing. Fay stared at the red cylinder shaped object in the middle of the room. She heard a quiet thud behind her and knew the door had closed. Without looking back, Fay began to walk slowly towards the object. Once she arrived she could see that it was a large red button fixed to the floor in the centre of the room. Fay knew what she had to do. Without hesitation she sat down in front of the button and crossed her legs. Her index finger pressed down until she heard a click. The button sprung back up and the room went black. Blacker than black. A shudder of fear shot through her. She quickly pressed the button again. The button sprung back up but the room remained dark. With an urgency she pressed it again and again and again. Still darkness. Fay stood and turned and ran in the direction of the door with outstretched arms. Her hands collided with the wall. She frantically pawed it. Was there a handle? She remembered opening it with a handle from the outside. Her heart felt as though it might pound right out of her chest. She stopped. And breathed. Then she felt hot air rush into her ear followed by the words ‘hello Fay.’ She screamed. And shot up in bed.

Hi Tiger Lily

I'd split this section into two:

Fay stood in front of the large black door. She pushed down the silver handle and pulled the door towards her. She stepped into an enormous rectangular windowless room looking up at the high ceiling. The room was empty. Empty except for one thing. Fay stared at the red cylinder shaped object in the middle of the room. She heard a quiet thud behind her and knew the door had closed. Without looking back, Fay began to walk slowly towards the object. Once she arrived she could see that it was a large red button fixed to the floor in the centre of the room. Fay knew what she had to do. Without hesitation she sat down in front of the button and crossed her legs. Her index finger pressed down until she heard a click. The button sprung back up and the room went black. Blacker than black. A shudder of fear shot through her. She quickly pressed the button again. The button sprung back up but the room remained dark. With an urgency she pressed it again and again and again. Still darkness. Fay stood and turned and ran in the direction of the door with outstretched arms. Her hands collided with the wall. She frantically pawed it. Was there a handle? She remembered opening it with a handle from the outside. Her heart felt as though it might pound right out of her chest. She stopped. And breathed. Then she felt hot air rush into her ear followed by the words ‘hello Fay.’ She screamed. And shot up in bed.


I think the story starts when the red ends, and the bold begins. At the beginning we see her standing in front of a large, black door which has a silver handle, and beyond the door is a large, windowless, high-ceilinged, empty room. She walked slowly. She used her index finger. She sat cross-legged. I wonder if everything needs to be described like this, for it reads a little forced, like trying too hard to be descriptive.

I think it's possible to rewrite the whole intro without losing the drama and suspense, without altering the story, and yet make it more concise.

There's certainly drama at the end there, and a touch of creepiness too, which is good I think, in the context of this story.

Hope some of this helps.

Scott.

Hi ya,

Although the suspense is good, I couldn’t get away from the, she did this, she did that. You may consider;

Stepping into the vast windowless room, made her feel uneasy, compounded by the high ceiling.

Or

Stepping into a vast, windowless rectangular room, she looked up at the high ceiling. This though kinda leaves you hanging, she looked up, why?

I don’t know if the room being rectangular is important, and you may want to drop it. You will see I’ve dropped one of the three syllable words to avoid it sounding too clunky.

Overall, a good start to your literary world.

Steve

I agree with both Scott and Steve. When writing a story you don't need to write down every single detail of what they're doing. People are generally good at drawing simple conclusions so that you don't have to spell out everything. You can have a character walk into a bathroom and next mention that she's lounging in a nice hot bath and I guarantee that most people know that the tub was already filled earlier (or by someone else) or that it happened while the character was doing something else. It's only when talking about things that the majority of readers aren't familiar with that you need the long drawn out explanations. Tom Clancy's books are so thick because what he writes about isn't familiar to the bulk of his readers so he's got to explain everything in great detail.

Thank you for all your feedback. To be honest I have always wanted to write but have only recently started so I think i have a lot of things to work on. Also, I have been reading a lot of an author who includes a lot of description so myabe I have picked up a bad habit. lol. Thank you for your feedback. I agree with the fact that I have included a lot of beginnings with 'she' and it reads repetatively. I appreciate your comments.

xxx

Originally Posted by Tiger Lily

Oh dear it looked huge before i posted it. Ok i'll try that again...


Fay stood in front of the large black door. She pushed down the silver handle and pulled the door towards her. She stepped into an enormous rectangular windowless room looking up at the high ceiling. The room was empty. Empty except for one thing. Fay stared at the red cylinder shaped object in the middle of the room. She heard a quiet thud behind her and knew the door had closed. Without looking back, Fay began to walk slowly towards the object. Once she arrived she could see that it was a large red button fixed to the floor in the centre of the room. Fay knew what she had to do. Without hesitation she sat down in front of the button and crossed her legs. Her index finger pressed down until she heard a click. The button sprung back up and the room went black. Blacker than black. A shudder of fear shot through her. She quickly pressed the button again. The button sprung back up but the room remained dark. With an urgency she pressed it again and again and again. Still darkness. Fay stood and turned and ran in the direction of the door with outstretched arms. Her hands collided with the wall. She frantically pawed it. Was there a handle? She remembered opening it with a handle from the outside. Her heart felt as though it might pound right out of her chest. She stopped. And breathed. Then she felt hot air rush into her ear followed by the words ‘hello Fay.’ She screamed. And shot up in bed.

I feel like you're telling too little. "Fay stared at the red cylinder-shaped object in the middle of the room" could be "A strange cylindrical artifact which glimmered with the shade of blood stole Fay's attention."

Another example would be "Fay knew what she had to do." Instead, it could be "The strangest sensation of knowing possessed Fay, and she felt, with pressing urgency, that she should press the button".

Little things like that make a big difference. But that's just my take. Anybody else have any other ideas.