Thread: "second" newbie

Hi all,
I have plucked up enough courage to post a rough copy of my first chapter, I am looking to write a few books and have the first 3 roughly sketched out (all I have to do is write them). I think the main thing I am lacking is a descriptive imagination and I do struggle with dialogue . I am doing this as a hobby I dont think it will get any further than that, I am open to all criticism or advice anyone is willing to give. Id like to thank anyone who gives thier time to read this
so here goes .........................


Kriel had been sitting over the town for some time, the screams and pleas for mercy that drifted up on the wind ceased some hours before. Dawn was breaking, the morning dew spread across the plain like a blanket of pearls. Kriel admired the scene, the town sat on a slight man made hill. The surrounding area had been cleared to give the inhabitants a clear view, and to make it easier to spot any on coming threats. Not cleared far enough he thought to himself. Kriel imagined the town to have been stormed at dust last evening, with no signs of any resistance he believed the town to have been taken by supprise.
Kriel checked his equipment, loosened his twin short swords strapped either side of his belt, his hunting knife sheathed in his left boot. He then took his cover off his bow, and strung it with ease, which comes with years of practise. He ran his fingers over the fine patterned design carved with expert skill. He knew every curve, twist and detail from memory. The bow was his fathers, the only part of Kriel which showed his true heritage, Kriel was a mixed blood.

Half Elf half human his mousey blond hair and thin strangly beard covered his mixed race facial features and his slightly pointed ears. In truth Kriel didn’t look too abnormal compared to his Human comrades. However Kriel left nothing to chance and preferred to hide his features as best as he could.
To be of mixed race meant death, a treatie signed between the elf and human alliance forbid any kind of intimate relationship between the two races. Which resulted in the death of his family at the hands of the elven clensers, an elite group of soldiers given the duty to scourge the land of any such occurrences.

Kriel snapped out of it and turned his attention the matters at hand, he signalled his men to ready themselves. He placed his helm upon his head, standard issue it was dome shaped with a plain bar down the centre to protect the bridge of his nose and facial features. It had a small piece of chain mail attached at the back to protect the neck. With helm in place, kriel called his sergeant over, He was a broad man, slightly overweight but more brawn than fat. He had thick dark brown hair, with golden brown eyes. He moved with balance, which gave Kriel confidence in him. Looking barley over the age of 25 seasons the man was young, but must have experience to be assigned under the position he currently held. The man’s name came to Kirel
“Asger, you have been in combat before ?”,
“yes, I have been a scout at the great gate for 3 seasons” Asger respectfully replied
“I have encountered orcs on several occasions and have 5 notches on my spear to date”.
Kriel looked up and down at the 18 other men that accompanied them.
“You are one of a few, who has seen combat, I am counting on you to keep these boys in line and their shields tight when the situation arises”.
“Aye, I have been on the wall with these men some time and I believe them all to be up to the challenge ahead” replied Asger.

The sun was creeping up slowly followed by the sweet sound of bird song which comes with spring, Kriel gave the order and the men came to stand in a block formation, five men across and four men deep. The first three rows of men had a mixture of weapons. They ranged from swords, spears and axes, each man had a round wooden shield with an iron boss in the centre. The fourth row of men had bows, they spaced themselves further back than the rest to give themselves room to use their weapons. Kriel took his place at the front of the Colum, arrow notched he led the men at a slow pace towards the town. There was no sign of beast or man along the walls, 5 meters high, they still cast a shadow over the land. The gatehouse loomed over them as they got closer, Kriel could see the gates were wide open and crushed inwards, their first sign of hostility, they approached the gates with caution, the men had formed a tightly knit group each mans shield overlapped then man on his left, creating a firm wall. As they moved into the entrance of the town, a side door of the gate house flung open and a young girl spilled out onto the floor, the front of her dress was ripped open exposing her breasts. She looked up, saw Kriel and screamed.
Her scream was cut short by an axe which crunched into the back of her head, her life blood spilled out onto the muddy entrance collecting in small pools. An orc burst out of the doorway, its bare chest heaving, its body ripped. It was naked apart from an animal skin loin which gave the men a full view of its physical superiority. It ripped its axe from the poor girl’s frail body, looked up and saw the Colum of men.

Kyle!!!!

I applaud you, I think it's fantastic. Yes, you may need to polish up on how you describe things and may be on the delivery to give it the impact you are looking for, but, you already know that. I think with more practice and more reading of similar stories they will give you the knowledge you are looking for. I have not even finished anything yet! so what do I know?? As I said previously I am a wimp, as I have not shown anyone (apart from my sister) a page of a story I was writing She never reads books which is why i gave it to her, what will she know ....She thought it was good.....Although the jury's out on that one.
I am sure you will get better advice from other's who have more experience in story telling, but I think it was great, especially the end part where she gets her head chopped! Fab!
That makes me sound a bit rough, but you know what I mean???? I just like things a bit juicy is all.

lol thanks mate, your comments actually make me smile
Its an idea that I have been working on for 5ish years now. I have built my world from the ground up, I have a history timeline, pages on each race involved and a list of characters and their history/background also.With numerous plots with twists and turns I just want to get all my ideas into a gripping story I just fail on the descriptions and find the dialogue so challenging I often bore myself !!. Get what you have typed up any feedback is positive even if you have to rewrite the whole thing at least you will have an idea of what like minded people think of your work and then be able to better yourself

Originally Posted by kyledim

lol thanks mate, your comments actually make me smile
Its an idea that I have been working on for 5ish years now. I have built my world from the ground up, I have a history timeline, pages on each race involved and a list of characters and their history/background also.With numerous plots with twists and turns I just want to get all my ideas into a gripping story I just fail on the descriptions and find the dialogue so challenging I often bore myself !!. Get what you have typed up any feedback is positive even if you have to rewrite the whole thing at least you will have an idea of what like minded people think of your work and then be able to better yourself

You are soo right Mr!!!!!

I will put a cork in the wimp container soon, promise.....then i will bore you with my waffle

Originally Posted by kyledim

Kriel had been sitting over the town for some time, the screams and pleas for mercy that drifted up on the wind ceased some hours before. Dawn was breaking, the morning dew spread across the plain like a blanket of pearls. Kriel admired the scene, the town sat on a slight man-made hill. The surrounding area had been cleared to give the inhabitants a clear view, and to make it easier to spot any oncoming threats. Not cleared far enough he thought to himself.I would perhaps do something to either eliminate interior monologue, or set it apart from the rest of the text. As is it just blends in with the rest. Kriel imagined the town to have been stormed at dust last evening. With no signs of any resistance, he believed the town to have been taken by supprise.
Kriel checked his equipment, loosened his twin short swords strapped either side of his belt, his hunting knife sheathed in his left boot.Doesn't sound right, try: Kriel checked his equipment, loosening his twin short swords strapped to both sides of his belt and his hunting knife sheathed in his left boot. He then took his cover off his bow, and strung it with ease, which came with years of practise. He ran his fingers over the fine patterned design, << not sure about this, but maybe a comma would work here carved with expert skill. He knew every curve, twist and detail from memory. The bow was his father's, the only part of Kriel which showed his true heritage. Kriel was a mixed blood.his true heritage or what he believes to be his true heritage? he's just as much human as he is elf, just a note

Half-Elf half-human his mousey blond hair and thin straggly beard covered his mixed race facial features and his slightly pointed ears. In truth Kriel didn’t look too abnormal compared to his human comrades. However Kriel left nothing to chance and preferred to hide his features as best as he could.
To be of mixed race meant death. A treatie signed between the elf and human alliance forbid any kind of intimate relationship between the two races. It resulted in the death of his family at the hands of the elven cleansers, an elite group of soldiers given the duty to scourge the land of any such occurrences.

Kriel snapped out of itmight help to specify 'it' his trance? his memories? and turned his attention the matters at hand, he signalled I tend to correct British spelling 'errors' a lot, so if you're British, I'm sorry, but I'm used to spelling it signaled his men to ready themselves. He placed his helm upon his head, standard issue it was dome shaped with a plain bar down the centre to protect the bridge of his nose and facial features., it was standard issue, dome shaped with a plain bar down the centre to protect the bridge of his nose and face. It also had a small piece of chain mail attached at the back to protect the neck. With helm in place, Kriel called his sergeant over. He was a broad man, slightly overweight but more brawn than fat. He had thick, dark brown hair, with golden brown eyes. He moved with balance, which gave Kriel confidence in him. Looking barley over the age of twenty-five seasons the man was young, but must have experience to be assigned under the position he currently held. The man’s name came to Kriel
“Asger, you have been in combat before?”,
“Yes. I have been a scout at the great gate for 3 seasons,” Asger respectfully replied. “I have encountered orcs on several occasions and have 5 notches on my spear to date”.
Kriel looked up and down at the eighteen other men that accompanied them.
“You are one of a few who has seen combat. I am counting on you to keep these boys in line and their shields tight when the situation arises”.
“Aye, I have been on the wall with these men some time and I believe them all to be up to the challenge ahead,” replied Asger.

The sun was creepingcreeped<< I think the tense was off here up slowly followed by the sweet sound of bird song which comes with spring. Kriel gave the order and the men came to stand in a block formation: five men across and four men deep. The first three rows of men had a mixture of weapons. They ranged from swords, spears and axes, each man had a round wooden shield with an iron boss in the centre. somehow I think these sentences should be combined in some way and split in another. Try - The first three rows of men had a mixture of weapons ranging from swords, spears and axes. Each man had a round wooden shield with an iron boss in the centre.(I didn't know that definition of boss, I had to look it up, yay for learning new words!)(once again, British version of center, I'm leaning toward the fact that you're from the UK)The fourth row of men had bows. They spaced themselves further back than the rest to give themselves room to use their weapons. Kriel took his place at the front of the ColumIs this misspelled purposefully? I saw it again further down. column is the right way. Arrow notched, he led the men at a slow pace towards the town. There was no sign of beast or man along the walls. Five meters high, they still cast a shadow over the land. The gatehouse loomed over them as they got closer. Kriel could see the gates were wide open and crushed inwards, their first sign of hostility. They approached the gates with caution. The men had formed a tightly knit group where each man's shield overlapped the man on his left, creating a firm wall. As they moved into the entrance of the town, a side door of the gate house flung open and a young girl spilled out onto the floor. The front of her dress was ripped open exposing her breasts. She looked up, saw Kriel, and screamed.
Her scream was cut short by an axe which crunchedI don't think of an axe as 'crunching' into the back of her head, her life blood spilled out onto the muddy entrance collecting in small pools. An orc burst out of the doorway, its bare chest heaving, its body ripped. It was naked apart from an animal skin loin which that gave the men a full view of its physical superiority. It ripped its axe from the poor girl’s frail body, looked up, and saw the Colum2nd time of men.

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I thought it was pretty good, but you definitely had quite a lot of grammatical errors. I was feeling nice today and did a rundown for you. Green are highlights of areas I would change with teal suggestions next to them. Red are outright corrections, usually grammatical or spelling mistakes.

I would definitely add more 'flavor' text to the conversation though. About the only thing you had going for it was when he looked the troops over.

You also have a big tendency to run on sentences, all I did was show you the points where you did run on by changing commas to periods, if you want to make compound sentences, you'll have to do the legwork.

thank you for going to the trouble of doing this for me, It was a rough draft and with your help I have re done it now think my main problem will be finding someone who has the time to look over my work and edit it slightly for me. Thank you again !

I agree with the things Razzazzika suggested, and as there's already been such a specific critique I'll not add my own, beyond suggesting that your description of the orc at the end is too modern; specifically, if I read it correctly, you said it's got a ripped body. Modern-day slang for muscled bodies may not sit well in the setting, was my thinking.

Hey Atys,
thank you for taking time to read my work, I agree with what you are saying. This is something I will have to look into, do you have any suggestions as how to make it sound better and maybe add some atmosphere ? (I believe its lacking)

It sounds like you have a good story laid out, but your execution does need a little work. In the beginning I got a little confused with Kriel's intentions. It sounded almost as if he was attacking or looting the city, but it was already demolished? Also later in the story it seems like you want a bit more suspense, so it would be nice to add in a few small details to set the scene. Sights, smells, emotions, etc. For example, "Even an experienced soldier like Kriel felt apprehension as he entered the broken gates. His own heartbeat sounded like war drums in his ears, beating in rhythm with the creaking of his soldiers' armor and the crackle of burning homes around him. A side door of a house flung open in front of them and the smell of burning flesh made Kriel cringe. A young girl spilled through the door onto the street..."
What's great about story telling is that you can take a whole paragraph to describe a single second of action. Time has little meaning. In short, focus on the emotion you want to communicate. Looking good, and I hope to learn more about the world you have created. You remind me a lot of Terry Brooks. I'm not sure if you have read his books, but I think you would enjoy them and it would help your writing. Good work and keep it up.