Thread: Recently rewritten- Alannian and the Sword of Azallyan

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Very emotional (but that may be because I'm just a big softy at heart).
I noticed minor things like
"You can't catch me!" Nyrel exclaimed as she turned to ran.
I believe it should be 'turned to run' or 'turned and ran', but I'm not an expert on such matters.

I felt it moved quickly, and built a nice sense of suspense.
I can't wait to read more.

Thank you Moostafus for taking the time to read it. It's still a rough draft. I am rewriting the whole 90k novel and I only started two weeks ago.

Good Luck!

Okay, the painfully honest truth here is that this still needs a lot of work. Your dialogue is solid, your handling of childish emotions good.

Your desciption utterly lacking.

In a high fantasy story as this one appears to be, one has to realize that a sigificant part of what one has to do in writing the story is inform the reader of how the world looks. If it was a "low" fantasy story, you could get away with spare description more easily, as the reader's mind could probably fill in a lot of the gaps given information about the location of events.

In high fantasy, this little loophole is plugged up. The world is one entirely of the writer's imgination, and the writer has- HAS- to get what it looks like, smells like, feels like across to the reader.

This needs description- badly- to tell us what the city is like, what the house is like, what the sheets on the bed feel like. Do that, and you've got something.

Also, I feel I must ask if this is one of those things where chapter 2 will skip ahead about fifteen years? Just curious.

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